5 Ways In Which Your Cheating Spouse Thinks They’re James Bond (But Why They Are Pretty Pathetic)

Cheating is, to the cheater, clandestine and exciting — just like being a spy! “They always know,” your unfaithful partner or spouse has heard people say about cheating, perhaps millions of times. It is no surprise, then, that they feel just a little bit, well, smug, when they start that affair and you seemingly actually don’t know yet.

As the affair goes on, your cheating spouse may begin to feel like they’re some kind of real-life James Bond. They get the secrecy, they get the sex, they get the sense of glamor. As the affair goes on, they may even become cocky about the whole thing, relaxed in the perceived knowledge that you’re too stupid to ever find out what they are up to.

1. They Have A Convincing Cover Story

Undercover Metropolitan Police officer Bob Lambert built up an elaborate cover story to infiltrate social justice groups in the 1980s. Besides building up an extensive reputation within the groups he gathered intel on, he started a relationship with “a fellow activist”, and even had a child with her — all while being married to someone else “in real life”. He took on a job as a gardener to explain lengthy absences, and told the woman who loved him that his father was in a nursing home suffering from dementia, and was “too far gone” for a visit from him to be worthwhile.

(Usually, I say, because a friend’s neighbor was recently visited by a man who first spent time loitering outside their house, and when my friend inquired, the man answered that he was there to visit “his girlfriend” — pointing to the house of her married neighbor!)

Cheaters may make a habit of going on business trips, especially easy for some self-employed professions, suddenly take up a new and very involved hobby that you’re not invited to or would find very boring, or begin to spend a lot of time with friends. Some even go as far as to post pictures of their visit to their friend or their time with their hobby group on social media (even if they were only there for 10 minutes, spending the other hours with their lover), to prove they were really there. Taking up jogging or walking is another excellent cheating cover. “Working late” may just be the oldest cover story in the book. It still works. Until it doesn’t.

READ My Partner has Cheated on me - I Want to Save our Relationship

How do you know if your partner is really doing what they say they are doing? Short of hiring a private detective, you need to know that if your intuition is telling you something’s up, it almost always is. That is, you have a little private detective in your brain already, telling you, even if your conscious brain is resisting the notion, that something isn’t right. You can further inform that intuition of yours by asking questions about who else was at their hobby, what route they took on their jog, how they spent their nights on that business trip, and so on. Of course they’ll lie if they’re cheating, but they’ll feel awkward and like they’re about to be caught as they do so, and you — already knowing your partner — will gain a better idea of whether or not they are lying.

You could also try calling them while they’re away. If they don’t answer where they usually do, that’s a sign in itself. If they answer but you hear weird things in the background that make it sound like they are not where they are supposed to be, that’s more info for you.

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2. Erasing Physical Traces

Cheating partners rightfully suspect that you would be able to smell traces of an affair (another person) on them. This is why cheaters tend to take showers immediately after meeting their lovers. (It’s also why saying you are working out is a great cover story: who wouldn’t want a shower after a sweaty workout? If your partner is having an affair in a different city or country, it’s also natural for them to take showers after they get off a plane.) Because they may feel awkward letting their affair buddy know that they’re trying to remove all those pheromones, your partner may not shower at the hotel or wherever else they are meeting.

What can you do here? Well, how about see if they’re up for showering together with you? If this is something you do sometimes and they say no, that tells something.

3. No Debriefing For You!

The most spy-like cheaters make sure they never communicate with their partner in crime by phone, email or message; they’ll keep to oral agreements instead. Many, however, are more obvious than that. They’ll delete their emails and messages and/or suddenly (or gradually) become more secretive with their “personal information”. They might think that does the job, but they are actually sending subtle signals that scream: “Check me!”

Maybe their phone and email was always open for you to see before, but now they watch those things like a hawk. Maybe they panic when you rush to answer their phone. Maybe they engage in weird conversations that they pretend are with their best friend, but they’re acting rather nervously. Maybe they’ve changed their e-banking passwords or are suddenly making a lot of cash withdrawals.

You don’t have to find hotel receipts to be suspicious, though you may find those too.

4. The Partner You Knew Has Gone “Missing In Action”

Cheating is wrong. Many cheaters feel guilty, and even those who don’t want to cover their tracks. This tends to result in awkward behavior. They may shower you with gifts, attention, initiate sex more often, or spend more time with your kids to alleviate weird feelings. They may also withdraw, shying away from your touch and being emotionally absent even when they’re not actually out spending time with their lover.

Non-cheating spouses might be depressed, happy, having a midlife crisis or whatever else, but if your intuition is telling you their behavior could point to cheating — probably the case if you are reading this — that in itself tells you something’s up. Weird behavior in combination with cheating suspicions? Those are alarm bells, alright!

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5. They’re Hiding Things (Literally)

The “other person” might have been sold the story that your partner is going to dump you and start a new life with them (rarely their actual plan). In what they think is a long-term relationship, the other person might be doing what people in new relationships sometimes do: giving your partner gifts. Finding weird things, whether you’re talking dirty lingerie, books, or other trinkets hidden and then finding your partner gets awkward while trying to explain how they got there is a red flag for sure.

The Bottom Line

Once you start suspecting that your partner is cheating, it is quite likely to come out in some way. At the end of the day, just asking your partner whether they’re sleeping around is a perfectly valid option. They may lie (in which case you may know) or they may break down and tell you the truth. Though your cheating spouse may feel like James Bond, chances are they’re not actually trained in withstanding interrogations and you’ll be able to glean valuable information from simply having a conversation.