First of all, I just want to say that I started college off this year with a self-destructive attitude.
I came to the dorms from a dysfunctional family environment at home, and so I didn't realize it at the time, but I was super anxious.
Then I was introduced to partying- I'm 18 and never drank alcohol before- but I started to go out of control on the weekends. I can't even count how many times I've blacked out.
Come the end of fall I started having massive panic attacks. I think I might of had a psychotic breakdown? I was insanely depressed, and irrational, and thought I was dying every day.
During winter break I just stayed in bed crying, and my parents thought I was being dramatic. They didn't understand the racing thoughts and lack of appetite, unable to go to sleep, and numbness I started to feel.
I started cutting my arm because I was angry with myself. It was like a punishment.
Then I sort of started forcing myself to snap out of it (not drinking for that month helped too I guess). Come January I was still very scared, and irrationally frightened, but I never told anyone because it was slowly getting better.
I started going out again, and was doing a lot better; until I almost died last month and my roommates had to take me to the hospital; I had to tell my parents the next day, cause I needed their insurance, but I didn't tell them I almost died, just that I didn't feel good. The truth is, I don't even remember being in the hospital for the entire duration of the night. I remember leaving it in the morning, but not being there; which is crazy, cause my roommates said I was awake (but when I talked to them I would say random things).
Before that night I had been having rough times at home, and I think subconsciously I was trying to hurt myself with the alcohol.
I just feel confused and lost ): I'm having irrational fears creep up on me again, like what if I have brain damage from that crazy night of blacking out?
I don't know what to do anymore or where to go from here, because I feel like no one really believes me when I start talking about these problems.
And that's because I don't "look" like that kind of girl. I laugh and force a smile and put make-up on in front of people, but in my room I'll have breakdowns and cry.
I'm just scared. And lately since that incident I haven't been attending class, and I'm pretty sure I'm failing.
And I feel like a failure. And I've been cutting more.
And I'm pretty sure my parents hate me.
Everything just feels so hopeless, and I get a surreal feeling sometimes like I'm in a dream because I don't go to sleep until like 4 in the morning. And it makes me get a lot of anxiety all over again.
I just keep this all bottled up, I haven't told anyone this, and I don't even know who I could tell all this too.
I don't want to die, but if I can't control my alcohol, and even subconsciously want to blackout sometimes because I want to hurt myself, I'm really scared for my future and I just don't know what to do.