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I'm not sure what to do.  My boyfriend of 3 years has been suffering from depression for quite a while now because of hating his job.  It's really long hours and high stress levels, often travelling away from home to work, and he's been looked over for promotion 2 years in a row despite practically killing himself working so hard.  The depression has interfered in our relationship for ages ... he works long hours so we hardly see each other, but then when he has time away from work he's so tired and stressed that he doesn't feel up to doing anything, and he never wanted to have sex because he says the stress killed his sex drive.

I kept trying to address the problems in the relationship but everytime I did it ended up in a fight and the outcome was that he told me nothing would ever change until he got a new job, so I just needed to give him space to do his cv.  I tried doing this ... I struggled cos we didn't see each other all week and then not the weekend either if he needed space to do the cv and then not the next week either ... etc. and the thing was that he was so stressed that he wouldn't actually get the cv done during these weekends of space, he would just waste his time playing computer games and things, so it felt totally pointless to me.

I was also incredibly sexually frustrated to the point that I couldn't even sleep.  It went down to once a month, then once every two months, and then eventually we went nine months without anything.  And it's not like I wasn't trying ... I'd put on sexy lingerie and things, but he'd always reject me and then we'd both end up feeling worse cos he felt guilty and I felt undesirable and stuff.  It got to the point that he told me I could go sleep with someone else to satisfy myself and just not tell him about it ... I didn't do that and I told him that I wouldn't because I didn't want anyone else, but that's how bad it was, the stress had apparently killed his sex drive so much that he would rather I cheated on him than sleep with me himself.

During one particularly big argument, he told me that he was feeling suicidal.  This hurt me a lot ... my mother suffers from manic depression and has tried to commit suicide several times, so in one way it destroyed me to know someone else I loved was going the same way, but in another way I felt like I was well-placed to help him.  So I stopped trying to do anything for me, stopped trying to sleep with him, gave him all the space he wanted, offered to help with his cv, and talked him into seeing a doctor about the depression.  The doctor put him on anti-depressants and suggested therapy but he refused cos he says talking about it doesn't help him.

While I was giving him the space he wanted to do his cv, it turns out he started flirting with another girl from work and staying behind to work late with her.  He went to the office on one weekend when I'd gone away to give him space to finish his cv, and he ended up spending the day with her and then going back to his and drinking and then sleeping with her.  He says he regretted it, but he continued flirting with her by text after this for about 6 weeks behind my back, even changing her name in his phone so I wouldn't get suspicious if I saw it.  They met up again, although didn't sleep together more than that one time, but they'd also made plans to go to gigs together in future and stuff as well.

I found the texts just before Christmas and realised what had happened.  He still tried to deny it at first when I confronted him, but after we had it out, he explained that he had been feeling confused for ages about us because he still loved me but wasn't sure if he was still in love with me, because he just felt numb, not just about us but about everything in his life, because of the depression.  He understood that that wasn't an excuse, and he said how awful he felt and that he'll never speak to her again, and wants to give us another try.  We spent Christmas together trying to talk it through and agreed to give it a chance, although I didn't know if I could get past it.

He was supportive for about the first 6 weeks, but I'm really struggling still and now he's getting annoyed that I won't drop the subject.  He's still really stressed and depressed about work and says he can't handle stress at the weekends with me as well.  I feel like I'm the only one fighting to make it work and he's just "seeing how things go" and still isn't even sure what he wants.  He said over Christmas that the "in love" feeling was coming back, cos we were away from work stress, and so he felt more confident that it was only the work depression making him feel that way and he was committed to changing his situation because it had shown him how good it could be.

But since we got back and he's back at work it's all going back into routine.  He's rejecting me in bed again, sometimes because of the work stress and exhaustion, and other times because he says me making comments about his cheating puts him out of the mood so he needs me to not talk about it to allow us to really move on.  He's finally finished the cv but isn't agreeing to go to any interviews or anything so it doesn't seem like a real commitment to change.  But whenever I say that he tells me I need to be patient.  I'm scared though ... his job has such long hours and working away frequently and stuff, and if he's still doing all of that with her, how long can he conceivably carry on not talking to her?  She's still gonna be in his life.

I only agreed to give this another chance on the agreement that he was leaving his job, so she'd be completely out of his life, but now I'm getting really impatient because that doesn't seem to be happening ... I don't feel like I can begin to trust him again while he's still working with her all the time, but he gets angry if I even talk about it now so I don't know what to do.  Does it sound like I'm an id**t and he doesn't really want to change and make this work?  Or am I just being impatient and unreasonable expecting it to have changed by now already?  Should I be over it already and not need reassurance anymore?


no you are not an id**t it really seems like you love the guy. and honestly the whole cheating thing like you are a good one because if my boyfriend cheated on me hes done. there is no excuse for it. if you can cheat on someone you dont really love them. i dont care what the excuse may be, its not love. then he had the nerve to continue to talk to her after he swore he regretted it. hunny hes not sorry he did it hes sorry he got caught. i dont want it to seem like im coming down on you but really you deserve better. if he is under so much stress maybe he doesnt need a relationship right now. im not saying you are the cause of his stress but maybe he doesnt need something adding to his issues. maybe yall should take a break. n speaking or any kind of contact and no seeing each other for two weeks. att he end of those two weeks see how you two feel about your situation and if there are doubts anywhere in one of your minds then maybe spliting up is the best thing for the two of you. but i can tell you if someone cheats and they know they got away with it then they will cheat again because now they know they can get away with it. i personally think maybe you guys should end it because hes not treating you right. i understand hes stressed, my boyfriend has the same issue but he still makes time for me to show me he cares and to assure me im important to him and his life. right now me and him are in two different towns an hour away with know way to see each other and he works from 5 am to 8pm but right before he hits the bed he will text me saying he loves me, misses me, and wishes me a good night. even when we are in the same town i  get laid by him even after his long day. he makes sure he is able to see me after a long day even though i live in a dorm 15 minutes from his house. try the two weeks thing ans see where you two stand at the end of those two weeks. it helped with me and my current bf and we couldnt be stronger. but also if you two discover there are any doubts maybe its best to break up. just my opinion


No, you're not an id**t.  You're a woman who's unsure about your boyfriend's behavior.

I'm going to be honest.  I don't know if this relationship is healthy for you any longer.  He's very depressed and not doing much to help himself, he's ignoring you, and he's cheated.  Not only that, it sounds like he may not be completely honest about his cheating.

Ask yourself if being in this relationship is what you still need and want.  It may be more beneficial for you to move on.  (I'm not trying to make the decision for you.)

If you were me, I would give him an ultimatum.  Either he gets a new job and/or does something more to handle his depression, or I'm gone.  I would give him a month.

If that's something you're going to do, stick to your guns.  Politely and calmly tell him your feelings and your wishes.  If he has anything to say, listen.  However, if you truly feel that a big difference in the relationship is required for it to work, stick to that.  If after a time things still haven't changed, don't say one thing and then do another.  That's not healthy for either of you.

Now's the time to think about what's healthy for YOU.


my first boyfriend cheated on me with my own twin sister... )':