Sorry if this is long but please i need some advice
My boyfriends father passed away when he was 10 and his parents got divorced before that he use to tell me how upset he would get when his mom and dad fought in front of him and when he saw his dad hurt his mom, he never went for help or spoke to anyone about it
When we met he was partying going out, and would send me sms like I feel so empty you wont understand not even the alcohol would fill it...
but we got together and he decided that he wanted to be with me and we had the most awesome, in love great stunning relationship we did so much together was sooo in love went on our road trips, did crazy cocktail evenings at home or our scrabble evenings at home it was incredible he said he loves me and everyone all my friends could see how crazy he was about me and how crazy i was about him we use to celebrate our anniveraries every month at a different restaurant and all in all it was just amazing... then we had a fight in the beginning after dating for 4 months, i got upset becuase he kept on flirting with girls and then he got upset but he got so upset that he got in his car and left we tried to phone him we tried to look for him and 4 hours later found him in a 24 hour restaurant he was UPSET he was ranting and raving about how can a pretty girl like you be so full of sh*t and I cant believe it I only pulled out the chair for the woman i did nothing else and then he got even more upset and took a plate and smashed it against the wall, then we payed for the plate and left when we got home he was crying i held him and he was crying like a baby and i held him and asked him what is wrong what is hurting you so badly and he said that he does not know... later still crying i just held him and he said he does not know what he wants anymore. so the next morning he left for work and i got an sms to say that he will bring me the cleaning lady the next morning but he wants us to break up so i asked why and he just said that it will be better that way.
so i did not hear from him until the next morning when he brought in the lady to come and clean the flat. He was tired and bushed he went to lie on the couch just starring into nothing with tear in his eyes then he went to the room and slept while we were cleaning the flat, I took the lady home later that day and when I returned to the flat he just woke up and said he had to leave now he was so distant and cold so he left then 45 min later he sms me to say hey are you at home I quickly want to come and do your fishtank’s pump for you, so I sms him and said yes I am at home he came back and was alive and happy and slaps me on my bum and are all different he fixed up the tank and realized he needs a new pump so told me he will get one the next day.
So he kissed me goodbye and left. The next day he sms to say he is going to do the pump for me he bought a new one and I told him that is fine but I am not at home but he is more than welcome to do it… then later he asked me where I am and I said well I am on my way home are you still there when I got there he sms me to say he had to leave to go and get dressed for his sister bday party and will I come with him so I said yes sure I will go so we went we had seafood with his sisters birthday and when we finished he walked me to my car and I turned around and said well what is going on here now are we broken up or what and he said he doesn’t know how do you know how can you be sure this is the right one how don’t you know there is someone better out there so I told him if that is how you feel fine but its either off or on between us then he said well lets just see how it goes and I told him I am not going to be stringed along and I am sure he can understand that that he should please just give me an answer. So he said yes ok we together and then everything went back to normal and it was awesome even better than before it was great lovely and it was like that for a few months again then one day we were just irritated with each other I was irriteated he was getting irritated with me and then starting sayings things like see we cant even see eye to eye how can we waist anymore of each others time this is not going to work you know what this is over I want to be single I don’t want this relationship anymore it just does not feel right anymore I don’t feel the same anymore and dropped me off and got in his car and left. The next day I got an sms to say he feels his fire is out and dead he feels that he is soo tired of putting up a happy go lucky sharrade in front of all the people. So I left it and did not hear from him for a week.
He sms after a week to say that he is coming to my house the Saturday to come and bring me neon’s fishies for my fish tank so I just said cool ok so he came around and he put my fishies in and then asked me if I want to go and do something and I said yes sure and we headed off to the beach and bang we where back together and things was awesome and great and we moved in together he moved in with me and it was awesome we were so in love he showered me with presents and did so much for us around the house and it was great we were in love talked about marriage and getting married and this carried on for a long time and then boom we went to a braai he started drinking and he changed then 2 other woman walked into the room and he changed even more he spend the whole night chatting to them like I am not even in the room and then to top it off when I wanted to leave he told me that I am a drunk $%#$ so I told him nicely firstly that is not the way to speak to me and I feel that you are not attentive to me I am here with you at a braai and I would rather want to go home than sit here all by myself watching how you think you are a boy in a toy store showing off and doing whatever you are doing it is not nice for me so I got in my car and left….
He never came home that night when I phoned him the following morning he went off about how could I get in my car and left and if I just stayed everything would have been fine and we would have gone home and that was that that everyone was drinking and partying and that he told everyone and in front of everyone told well if this is why she got in her car and left and if these girls are the reason why she left then it’s over between us and grabbed the girl and kissed her in front of all his friends and got in his car and drove 500km none stop and told me so I kissed her I kissed her so I cheated on you as well so deal with that information and do with what you want to with it. That was the Sunday. On the Monday I could only speak to him and told him that I am sorry for my part of it but what happened to him and then he just told me that he loves me he does not know what to say he just need some head space to sort out his feelings. So I left it the week continued he still slept in our bed and he still acted as if we where together.
After a week he went out and came back home and I asked him if we can chat about things and he went off “there is nothing to talk about, I don’t feel the same way this is not how I pictured our future that is not how I pictured my future, and its killing me inside I know what I am giving up and it is tearing me inside I know what I am throwing away, but I will rather start with someone new than have to do damage control I am tired of damage control and I don’t do complicated and this is now complicated, and I am moving out and that is what I set my mind to do and that is what I have decided to do. So I left it the week he slept in the spare room and the Saturday morning acted as if nothing is wrong is playful with me and loving and kind and went to fetch his trailer started packing stuff so I confronted him and said ok well are you sure this is what you want to do and then he went off crying and said “ I don’t know if I want this suburban life of ours, yes there is never a dull moment and yes we have our odd complications and yes I wont ever find anyone that does the things you do but is it worth it is it really worth it, I am tired of the healthy living and I am tired of this and that and that I just feel something is missing and I feel dead and that I don’t even feel hurt by what I am doing I feel hurt because I know what this relationship means to you but I don’t know if I can love you for the rest of my life and I don’t know if I am just stubborn or emotionally low right now but that Is how I feel and its not you it was not like that from the beginning and that I am making myself unhappy its not you you are awesome
So I left him to walk. There is still stuff at my house his big two fish tanks are still at my house and I don’t speak to him or sms him I just answer his sms when he sms me wich are odd attention seeking ones really but this Saturday he sms me to ask me what am I doing and can he come over and bring me some neon fishies and I was like ya sure and he came over walked into my door kissed me and spend 4 hours there just lingering in the house starring at the fish tanks cleaning pumps and fish thanks then walking around … then asked me what I will be doing for the rest of the day and I did not realy answer him and then he invited me to come and have a braai at his moms house. When I got to his moms house he never told her that he invited me! So I just left it had supper ate and said thank you he kissed me goodbye and I went home. Then to top it off I saw him last night in a club with his new found friend, she was a friend of his that he knew before they used to hang out and party a lot. But he acted as if he is not hurt at all! He seemed to be on top of the world hopping around greeting people and acting as if he owns the place… My heart broke!!!
I don’t know what to do I am sorry if this is long but I really really need advice is he bipolar, borderline? He says that other people take meds for their problems he has to just sort them out himself...Is he even thinking what he is doing? I mean is there something wrong with him? will he come back the person that I know? I am extremely confused!
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Hi LillyLee,
I've read your post and it's obvious you needed to chat to someone. You're not just here to find out what's wrong with your boyfriend, but also to vent. I really hope you're feeling better after writing; sometimes getting it out can help immensely. Do you keep a journal or diary? It's a good way to unravel what's going on in the ol' brain!
Firstly, you don't say how old you are or how long you & your boyf have been together. After reading your post, I wonder if perhaps you need to think hard about whether you want to be in such an erratic, drama-filled relationship.
Secondly, to answer your questions; it's tricky. Mental health disorders do not come in black & white barcoded packages- they're messy, complicated and darn confusing, most of the time! Your boyfriends behaviour certainly sounds like someone with mental health issues and by what you've told us about his background, it's very possible that he has either borderline personality disorder or bi-polar (or both- which would be a co-morbid disorder). The two disorders are very similar and show similar characteristics, but there are a couple of differences, such as onset ages and certain precursors. Another difference between them is the response to medication. Bi-polar disorder is related to fluctuating brain chemicals (serotonin & dopamine to name a couple) and can be stabilised/managed with treatment. However, borderline personality disorder doesn't necessarily respond to medication in the same way. While some characteristics of a personality disorder can be controlled with medication, mood won't be stabilised long-term with pills.
No matter- whatever the diagnosis, medication is usually the first step in trying to get treatment to stabilise mood and behaviours. If he suspects that he needs help- or is willing to admit it- then it is up to him to see a doctor and start on a course of medication.
There are other methods of managing mood disorders, such as diet changes, exercise routines, financial & time planning- generally, living a healthy, balanced life; taking part in regular relaxation sessions, etc, etc. It sounds boring to some people, but there is a big connection between the mind & the body. Keep the physical part of life sorted and the mental part is easy to live with!
Also- if your boyfriend is set on self-help, look up C.B.T (cognitive behavioural therapy). This would include learning strategies for mood management.
Or if he's really determined to sort his head- go for a combination of all three: see a doctor, change things in his lifestyle (i.e; changed things in his diet, cut out alcohol (& drugs, if he dabbles)- that's the worse thing to do when you have a mood disorder!) and go for C.B.T.
C.B.T has a good success rate for bi-polar disorder, but it's not greatly successful for borderline personality disorders, although it can help manage some negative behaviours with a personality disorder; p.d's are a little more 'ingrained' than a mood disorder.
Whatever happens, I hope it all turns out well for you.
V
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Hi Violet_Ivy Thank you for your response and yes I think i just wanted to vent and get it all out and sure i do feel better after writing it all out. i feel so confused we have been dating a year and 8 months and he is 31 and I am turning 33 i started keeping a journal this week about how i feel what is taking me up and down as some of his stuff is still home so here and there he sms or comes around to come and see his stuff and each time it is a different behaviour so i kind of stopped that now to make sure i am not at home just so that i dont read into every little behaviour of his otherwise i feel that i am analyzing everything wich confuses me more as there is no constant behaviour but does not matter what happens he has to go and seek help otherwise i dont see how this will work for me, neither for him in the long run thank you for your advice and help i will go and read up some more about it x L
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Hi Lost What happened between you guys are you still together now? How did you find out he was screwing others on the side all the time? Is he diagnosed with any bipolar or borderline issues?
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I am going thru the same issue! My bf and I have been together 7 months. In the last 3 weeks, we have not seen each other. He is experiencing some type of mental health issues and it hurts so bad. I asked him via text message if he still wanted to be together and he was non responsive. 3 months prior he pulled the same c**p. He is constantly sleeping for hurs on end. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't hold his hand while he is gnu thru these issues. I guess for now I will stand back and we how he reacts. I am afraid to move on or date anyone else. It just sucks.
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