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k i have a great boyfriend, he has never done anything wrong to me. but my last boyfriend was a penis, cheating on me, looking at porn instead of having sex with me, and looking/ staring at other girls all the time. now its been over ayear since we have been broken up. and i have found a new man, but i have problems letting go of the past, trying not to think that all men are the same. i have problems trusting him when he goes to work, or goes out with friends. i never use to be like this..never use to worry so much..i dont want to be that kind of girlfriend. espicially when he has not done anything to make me lose his trust. and i dont know how to change. how to get all those bad thoughts out of my mind when i am waiting for him to get home. i get lost in my mind, i want to get out of this horrible thinking, what should i do? seek professional help? try to change myself? i just need some advice.

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typical woman - down on men - or am I just generalising?

If you're smart enough to see and know what you're doing, then you're smart enough to figure this out.

Bottom line: you are going to be just as prejudiced as every other man and woman out there, all your life, the rest of your life.

Now the only question is, what prejudices would you like to have, and what prejudices aren't helping you?

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Basically what we need to do here is some mind-f**king, because right now what's in your mind is causing your frustration and distress, so we need to mangle and confuse that certainty you have that all men are sh*ts, even though a large proportion of the female population would agree with you, but there I go, just generalising again.

In terms of strategy, professional help, etc., it's never irrational to discuss issues, seek solutions, or advice that may assist, such as posting this question, so sure, by all means do so. You can start out just trying to learn, and end up teaching: either formally, by becoming a lecturer, author, counsellor, therapist; or informally, by just having successful relationships.

You may be frustrated, unless you're the Dalai Lama, with people and relationships for the rest of your life. In fact, you may also participate in a classic S curve - or normal distribution - ignorant (relatively) now, frustrated, but optimistic; growing confident and successful by your thirties, and experienced and bitter in your middle to old age. Look around you.

So by all means enquire, learn and grow, and I hope you have a / some / many successful relationships (not just partners, but in all areas of life) out of it.

Hint: check out the new age or personal development sections of your local bookstore. Try not to buy into (too much) the cynical.

Finally, a few thoughts/hints/comments about men (and maybe some balancing opinions from 'our' side of the fence)

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Your ex may have been a dork with raging hormone syndrome, but you may as well know, all men want sex, pretty much all the time, pretty much with anyone: we just get used to the fact that it's not available, and as long as there's at least one person in the world that finds us attractive, that kind of mellows us, to the point that we can enjoy and appreciate the emotional rewards as well as the physical.

If you think drivers don't notice a full T-shirt in summer - in fact, they've even noticed accident rates go up because of it.

Thing is, we think it's easy for you: every man wants you, what's the difficulty? Our problem is finding a woman we not only want to sleep with, but actually like, who likes us, who doesn't mind our driving, god forbid enjoys hanging out with us and likes fishing , flying, skiing, whatever it is we do.

For our part, look at the average thirty-something male: attached, married, working to pay for his wife and kids, his hobbies long gone or set aside, and all his money going into his family. Doesn't that seem kind of loyal and reasonable to you?

So the question is: how to navigate from hormones raging, to settled harmony. If you're lucky, you find a guy that thinks he's lucky to find you, appreciate and celebrate that fact, and take it from there.

Men are dogs: take your pick: rottweiler or poodle? You may like a poodle, german shepherd maybe, but there's plenty out there that go for the rottweiler, come back, swear all men are bastards, and go out and pick the rottweiler again.

Now, if last time you picked a rottweiler, and this time a german shepherd, why would you expect one to behave like the other?

Every man has the capacity to stray, be unfaithfful (and no, watching porn isn't being unfaithful - though watching porn when you're turned on is bizarre) and every woman has the capacity to turn into a legs-closed-take-the-money-the-house-everything and see him back out on the street.

Whether he does, or you do, is largely down to negotiation: each and every day, are you noticing the good things, or living in fear of the bad things.

Nice poster: if you love something set it free: if it's yours, it'll come back, if it doesn't, it never was.
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wow, thank you really appreciate hearing from someone else. outsiders perspective. always helps. :-)
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My pleasure. You sound sincere and rationale, and lucky too - your current guy seems nice and really into you. Good luck.
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