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Wow and I thought I was the only one... I have been married for 12 years this Sat. He is a wonderful man when he is happy, so much fun, great with the kids, hard worker, loving.... But when he is down or depressed or somthing does not go his way he is silent and withdrawn, and gets pissed about everything, unreasonable, hipocritical, just mean and rude.. The diffrence between me and the other women that posted is I am the bread winner in the house I make two time what he does... But I love him when he is happy, and i keep thinking that I am a b***h sometime and he does not leave me... I work alot and he does not leave me... But his down depressed time is getting more and more, and there is no reason for it.. He has everything a man could want.. House, two great kids, atv's, UTV, RV, cars, drums, everything.. but he is still not happy, and it is not a once in a while thing the down time is not more than the highs.. At one point I told him he had to get help, he was on meds for about a year and it was great!!!! He was level, down were still there but the lasted maybe a day, and he did not attack us, he was just in a bad mood.. But he said the med affected his creativity and he did not like them and has been off of them for about 3 years.. The first year was ok we workedreally hard on noticing the triggers and controlling them.. But now it seems that it is my fault, and I am the one that need to change to not trigger him or just deal withthe swings and cater to him when he is down to not start the out of control sprial.. I find my self worring if what I am doing or saying will piss him off, always worrying about his reaction.. I don't want to feel like this, marrage should not be like this.. If he make plans and for some reason something come up to change them he is pissed for the whole day or days.. He will mope around feeling sorry for himself, I don't know why he has everything he could ever want and never works overtime.. He comes first ALL THE TIME, if not we have to deal with a temper tanturm.. I just don't know what to do........ I REALLY LOVE HIM, when he is HIM... I am not saying I am perfect i created some of this, I am a control freak. I have always handled the bills, and the appointments and stuff but really.. I always think of him and my kids first, I work all the time to help pay for all the stuff, I never get things for me.. But then I get sind remarks when he is having a day about not having any money to get what ever he wants that day, or that I am always working and never availbe to spen time with him, or why did I not get something he need me to do done... But at some point if he really cared about ME, he would see all I do and all my stress and try to help me, and appreciate what I do and not point out what I didn't. He would see all he has and feel lucky and try to help with our life and family more.. I am trying to stop controlling everything and pass some of the family stuff to him but I get attitube and then I fell like he is unhappy and I want to make him happy... But, he should want me to be happy and not put me in this place, I am trying... I could go on and on... I just don't know if it is me or him that has the issue, I need to grow a back bone and dela with the fact that I cannot make him happy all the time and contiune to be happy my self and if he doesn't like me this way then, we should move on... Right??

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Hint: it would have been a little easier to read if you'd put in a break for a paragraph once in a while, but we got there.

Basically you say it all in the first few lines: 'He has everything a man could want.. House, two great kids, atv's, UTV, RV, cars, drums, everything' No, those are things that, maybe, a woman might want. They are things that some men might like to have if they perceive themselves as a family man, but I'm afraid the cliche is essentially true: a woman is fulfilled bya child, a man by a career.

From what you describe, he has no purpose in life, and without purpose, people fade into depression. Without passion and purpose, he's effectively moving though life as a child, bored and distracted (way too familiar, I can assure you). With passion and purpose, it shouldn't matter if he's earning or not, ultimately, the passion will keep him energised and happy. The tricky thing is however, that society (and women, despite the hype to the contrary) still project that a man pays: the fact that you've elected to not do it that way doesn't change decades of conditioning.

I don't frankly suggest that you try to make him the earner in some bizarre Stepford Wives remake. You've handled 90% (99%?) of your life, you're sorted, you've got the kids. If he's not happy, and you're not happy with him being unhappy, then it's hardly working is it?

It's not for me to say what you should do: only what you may wish to consider. When you're 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, what do you want to look back upon? If this isn't it, something's going to have to change: if he's not willing to, it's down to you: the nature of that change need not be separation, but then again, you're not obliged to live in misery with him either. It's just choices, life, choices and life.
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