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My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. When we moved off the college (he originally transferred to be with me), things just went totally downhill. We broke up for a week, but he then told me he couldn't be without me and he loved me too much to let me go, and he wanted to work things out. That was almost two months ago, and we're still "just seeing each other" without the title. However, EVERYONE knows we are together... I never initiate conversations for no reason. I only text him or call him if i need something. He, however, always texts me first. I just can't shake the feeling that he's just with me because he doesn't want to hurt me or doesn't want to see me with anyone else. Sometimes us "doing our own thing" comes up in conversation, and he'll joke about it, but if i get serious about it he dismisses the topic immediately. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else and honestly I can see us having a future together. We hang out almost everyday, but I just get this vibe that he's not into me anymore. I don't know...Is it time for me to move on? Or is this just a phase in our relationship. HELPPP:/


There are some mixed messages here: 'I never initiate conversations' vs 'I love him more than I've loved anyone', 'I can see us having a future together'. That, by the way, means very little - it's the bit that follows: and this is what it looks like.

He always texts you first, you hang out almost every day, but you feel he's not into you anymore.

So we've got a woman who thinks he's the one but can't be bothered to start a conversation, and doesn't trust that he's really into her.


You say you broke up for a week, but who really broke up with whom?

You seem to be under the illusion that this really matters. If you were so utterly comfortable and joyful, and clear about the importance of one to the other, we wouldn't be having this conversation. If, like my best friend, you have a beautiful partner at university, split and get on with life, then reconnect in your early forties, then have kids (we're now 50, and yes, you will - god willing -live to be that old), then you could say thank you, we're clearly not experienced enough to know if this is what we want (and by the time you are, you'll be old, so there's definitely a catch-22 here), so since it's clearly not going to hurt us, why don't we get on with life and if I see you in, oh, say ten or twenty years it might be fun.

Meantime, you go out, get a career - check out Tea Leone, Family Man - have grown up kids, and then say, gee, I wonder how my friend x is doing, start all over, all you can eat love-in for the rest of your life.

Or, you can stay with him, keep staying with him, stay with him some more, not be entirely sure, but stay with him just in case.

As I said, if you were sure either way, we wouldn't be having this 'conversation' so how do you deal with not sure?

Try it out - in your head, forget the 'wedding, harmony, bliss', any guy in a tux that cleans up ok can fit that scenario. Invent some challenging ones: you go to Israel to live on a kibbutz. 'Mike' (x is well, so short) is with you. It's hot, you're sweaty, you hate the work but you love the people. How's Mike handling it? Maybe he's in his element and this is so not for you.

You're in the South of France, you're a successful international attorney. Mike is a struggling author, do you respect him or is he a liability at your cocktail parties?

You get pregnant, you quit college, you try to go it alone but all you get is a job in a diner. Mike shows up one day, droopy eyed, ready to care for you. Do you launch yourself into his arms, or give him a bagel and tell him please, get a life (Like Shatner did to Trekkies - money made him take it back!)

You get the idea: forget the cliches, work in some grit, some angst, some joy: not 'can we be happy together' but 'here's me in life, scenario 110, scene 3: and then Mike walks in and...??? how do you feel.


And here's the other side: ask yourself what you get out of Mike. What does he get out of you?

Is it easier to have him as a friend and not have to bother making your own phone calls?
Does he make you laugh, feel special?
Does he hit the spot in bed (let's be brutal).
Is it just easier than not having someone in your life?

What does he get?
He thinks he's in love, obviously, or did when you broke up.
Tip: you want to see dysfunctional, google bobbit.
Was he a successful social animal before meeting you, or has he finally found someone that will talk to him (though not call him)?
Do your girlfriends think he's hot, or wonder why your bother?
Worse, do they think you're perfect for each other, but not for them?

Be brutal with yourself: not cruel, not demeaning, just insightful: know yourself, and make an informed guess as to him.

Bottom line: we wouldn't etc. If you want someone else to tell you what to do, well, your approximately 8 years past the point where nature thought they'd given you everything possible to confront life, including personal responsibility, and the freedom to make your own choices.

Make a choice: make an irrational choice: hell, make an outrageous choice.

'You know, Mike, I've realised one of the things I'm concerned about is that I don't feel I know enough to judge how well you're doing in the sack. I'm thinking, I can either ask three of my girlfriends over to assess your performance; or I can ask three of your mates; or I could film us together; or, you know what, let's keep it simple, I'm just going to sleep with a few other guys, see how they do.'

You will rapidly find out a lot about yourself and him if you try this.

If he likes the idea of your girlfriends and shows it, a) he's a guy, b) he's an id**t. He's going to have to do better than that if he's trying to fool you that you're the one. Of course, c) the idea so pains him that he cries, gets angry, or does something to reassure you you're special.

If he likes the idea of the boyfriends, well...

If he doesn't, cries, etc, again, good to know.

If he likes the video, congratulations, you'll be on the internet with or without the permission soon enough.

And sleeping around, see how you feel, see how he feels.

Outrageous? Stupid? Dumb. Great: we've identified some things you do or do not want out of life.

Unwilling to try it out as a question, knowing you're never going to go through with it?

Fair enough.

Basically, I'm not going to tell you what to do. You're an adult. And if mundane thinking about a mundane life is leaving you indecisive, get out there, think out of the box, and start exploring - in your head - before you start exploring out in the world, with or without him.

Hint: if you don't change, the next partner will seem just as uninspiring as this one, or - if it's your fear he's uninspired by you - the next one won't be into you either, or the next, because until you change, they won't.


Us Girls not starting conversations is usually our way of seeing if the guy is really into us. We don't want to be the one to start a conversation and be annoying to him. So, if he texts us at least gives us a little hope because he obviously wants to talk to us.



1. Us Girls is not going to:

- find your partner,
- pay your education
- earn your money
- pay for your children
- pay for their education
- pay for your holidays

Us Girls are going to be getting on with their life, making their own choices, as you obviously are not.

You're on your own when it comes to making a decision: Us Girls may have a drink with you, share your stories, give your advice, but Us Girls will equally talk about you behind your back (no, really) when they have a successful career and wonder, whatever happened to y, you know, she was so, like, dizzy, never could make her mind up...

2. Do you seriously believe it is better for him?

- if you're that compassionate, you're pretty unique: most women (especially after the 100th or 1000th guy chatting to them, hoping you're the one) develop a killer look, or capacity to ignore guys that feels like - to you - might be equivalent to walking in to prom night having believed your Us Girls friends when they said it was casual, come in your jeans and sneakers.

3. If you're relying on Nokia to prove he loves you, nature and the human race are in deep sh*t.

- I mean, please, get real: you're 18+, women (and I use the word advisedly, vs an US(A) (sic) girl) everywhere else in the world are five, seven, ten years into their 'career' as an adult, and you're relying on Nokia instead of your brain, your senses?

4. If that is your considered reply to a sh*t load of material, a single comment on Us Girls texting, then we're out of here.

- Legally Blonde was cute: but you're an 18+ college student. That's your entire 'analysis' of what's going on inside your head?

Next stop: book store. Start reading, start learning, because your life is the only one you've got.