I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

There's another lady I've been talking too on here, I believe she has PTD too. And the weird thing is, she has an inner ear problem and balance problem too!!!! Isn't that weird? I checked out all the websites for Anxiety Disorders, this symptom is not mentioned. But the rest of yours and hers are though.

Like I said before hon, he can't be nasty all the time, it will do him in too. So just accept the nice times, and enjoy the help. Like I have stated, just work on yourself 1st THEN you can deal with all the other stuff. And you will feel clearer and more on top of things. We need drugs and herbs for pain right? If you broke your arm, would you say "Why do I need drugs to help me?" Of course not! Same thing, your brain is hurting, you need too help it recover.

Your not old for crying out loud! I'm 44, have breasts that hit my knees when I take off my bra!!! o.O My husband roles on them in the middle of the night!!!! I haven't a clue what my natural hair color is!!! My "Natural" white highlights are taking over! And I can sweat like a pig at the click of my fingers!!!! ;-) XD ;-) Oh and don't even get me started about my "Fat Flap!!!" LOL

So don't worry about "What if......." It WILL be hard too trust, but if you drink a whole case of "WHOOPASS!!!" you WILL be stronger. Start saying it Out loud! "I AM WOMAN!, GET READY FOR A WHOLE CASE OF WHOOPASS!!!!!!!" o.O ;-) XD It's just the way you think about it? Just like my addiction too pills, you are addicted too not believing or thinking about yourself! So as I cut down on my pills each day, you have too increase your positive self speak! You have too say, OK I'm not Giselle, but I'm not Marty Feldman either!!!!, Ok I might have love handles, but I don't have a fat flap!!!!!!!!!!!! OK I might have an anxiety disorder, but I am not a member of the BNP!!! - Are you?!!! ;-) XD o.O

It's time for the DIVA, The WARRIOR, The AMAZON, The GODDESS! Too come out, and TOTALLY take over your life. Let "Katy Whoopass" Get out and get her life back!! I hope I don't sound flip, I'm just really pumped - I bet you can't tell! I want my enthusiasm for change too rub off on you and others on here. I'm not a women's libber - by ANY means - I Couldn't burn my bra I would be arrestted!!! o.O ;-) XD But I do believe in bringing back our inner strength. There is NOTHING more dangerous than a mother animal protecting her children. And that should now include protecting herself too. A female Grizzly would NEVER allow her mate to beat her down, and we have too be that way too right? Does this sound daft?

That does not sound daft in the slightest! Ive been reflecting on everything(ie) the way in which he has treated me, even when so called good times were apparent. When I look back. I realise No!!!! Ive made the right decision..Its just fear that consumes me.

Your enthusiasm does brush off. You remind me of a really very good friend I had at uni....Ive not spoken to her in a while, infact Ive tried hard to get back in touch, but cant find her. She was almost like my twin sister, we even used to get asked "are yousisters" i think its just because we spent so much time together. We drifted apart , for a while, then got back in touch...I remeber her saying to me...and this is a good 5 years ago " Katy, I am seeing things I dont lke!" I remeber thinking-what do you mean? Why? I just could not see any of it! When I look back I think...would you want your daughters to be treated in this way?,,,then I think NO! Absolutely not!

So whether it be an incredibly slow (polite ) break up, it will happen....I need time to heal before moving on...Ive slept pretty much most of today. im a bit concerned as I keep twitching.It even wakes me up!Like, my legs jerk, and thats it I wake. ive done that for some time, but too scared to even say to a doctor , I twtich.

I am scared to even mention this, but then I think well.Ive had blood tests over and over..I am exhausting for my gps surgery..so just leave it alone.I also hope that I want have to return , I hope that this is all the boost I need, and that I can mange without drugs.

The children, they know whats up, they know...and it makes it worse. they are annoyed at daddy for hanging around 9 well so theyve said) it winds mummy up is their words

Remember one of the symptoms is twitching? Everytime something physicall happens to you take a look at the symptoms. Then you know you aren't barmy!!!! You DO need drugs - for now anyway - You can't go on and off these things by the way. They can play HAVOC with your health if you do that. Seratonin drugs can take upto 12 weeks to really take affect. I felt great after 2 weeks on Cymbalta, but that isn't everyone. I changed several drugs before really feeling "normal" on these.

It's the fear of the unknown that is grabbing you, same with anyone else. 5 years ago when your girlfriend said that, you weren't ready too hear it! Its that simple!

Im even scared to write it....but I feel good this morning :-D

Though , finding the strangest things going through my head.......when Alex was 3 weeks old....his words "Just DO your job properly!" :$ :$ Ok, probably not abuse, but sure showed signs of it!!!!In my head...as i cant say it out loud...I am like some one( and i dont mean any offence to anyone who has tourettes) but in my head its like argh!!wanker...all the time.

I am getting to the stage where its ...and his standards and behaviour has driven so mad...that I may ake the option and leave this place with the girls. he may have rights ( as his name is on the birth certificate)...but if this case wre to be taken to any court..i have alll the witnesses..my mum, my dad, my sister, my ex sister in law, my firends, even a cpn...(even if i have been guilty of the odd wee glass of wine.

I used to find it sould destroying that I wuld /could hurt him. Now, really , I know I can be a great mum, not this one....I mean...I can feel me coming back, boy im ot only angry ( but not going to direct that out in any physical manner) I am really determined to sho wthis piece of you know what, what he is about. If i was a prison officer Id bang him up. he does men no credit, just debit!!!!!

Thinking about eveything!!! This is something I really do not want to do , and is something my children do not want me to do....but I am thinking about declaring myself homeless as he wont budge....hes not helping my mentality , and Ive been sweating so much this morning...and just really anxious about this whole sitution. dad rang, doped up on morphene, and said...he will go...just give it time. I am running out of patience.

Hes not given me a single penny this month ( nothing really new there) Not ought food in, not helped pay for any of the kids school trips, just caused havoc , mes and mental torture for me to scrape myself of lamposts, brick walls and buildings.

What really bothers me is ...where we ( my girls and i could end up) ...we could end up in a real dive with bullies outside, throwing things through letterboxes, smashing in windows and running about with crow bars, and as soon as others ( strangers fathom out its 3 girls on their own......thats well scary....dont people get that .?? Thats why i get so FURIOUS with people saying to me...just pack and leave...its not that clear cut and i aint that stupid. I might not be that safe with him hangng around, but at least i know I am in a safe area, and the girls they know all the neighbours , the neighbours even know he want budge...and think its dreadful...even in the case if i were just extremley unhapy ...and no abuse had ben documented. Ive ben extremly unhappy with him (noticably so 0 for a good 3 and half years....se this is why I am scared to leave, but thinking about it!

Still waitintg , waiting waiting to ghear from his solicitor. Its the smae old argument...he says"Ill only go if you sign those forms"...Im reflecting on something my solicitor said///"That really it would not make a jot of difference.: But I know this guy and I know that he is a malicious quiet manipulator.....I need the law on my side, so I am thinking /wondering if the lawyer could write up an agreement that would secure me to signing this agreement...just for my own carzy head.....(ie) ill only sign if he does this...and sees them ( set dates) and pays blah blah...and takes responsibility and PROVIDES!!!!! Its back to square one o.O Tired!

Hon - DO NOT DECLARE YOURSELF HOMELESS! - You need to get your self well enough 1st, THEN you can deal with him. If he is being fine right now, don't poke the bear!!!!!!!! Just take it as it is - for now - get better then deal with it. Also if your homeless we can't talk anymore :'( :-( Then what will I do with my day?!!!!! SERIOUSLY I know you haven't taken my advice before - stubborn old bat!!! ;-) XD - BUT if you don't take this advice I WILL call up RADIO 1 and say it for all of Britain too hear "KATY DON'T DECLARE YOURSELF HOMELESS!" >;) >;) XD I will you know!!! Just too add a bit more too your anxiety!!!!! ;-) XD STOP thinking about him - I know he's there, but STOP! And START thinking about yourself - DAMN IT WOMAN!! I can't get anymore "White Highlights" Help me Katy by helping yourself!!!

PLUS how the heck did you get your Gold member status!!!!? ;-) XD XD Yet I'm still a lowly "SUPORTER"!!!

Haha-on the radio....claim to fame!!!

Went out today to get fathers day card, and birthday card...streets were just a bit wobbily and people giving me the odd o.O o.O o.O look!!!

I shant be declaring myself homeless RIGHT NOW! You are right....its just i guess I dont see myself as being ill..I guess Im used to being in somesort of brain malfunction status...and the wierdest part for me..is I CANT stop sleeping...and its not like I go into REm...I just wake up not realising ive drifted off ( whoops)

My dad made me giggle today.. he was all doped up on morphene and he kept telling the medics he was in agony and they kept telling him off ..."Youve had enough" XD XD Then the docs and nurses kept asking if o.O "He had his own notes" XD XD XD XD yeah dad, hid them up his gown ( not!!!!!!) and then looked like somesort of drug smuggler!!!! he was on the phone for ages,,,just calming me down and asking if I wre taking my pills...I was like yes,dad I took this one but I aint taking the other one...you know me"an addicto"....oh dear!!!!

Watched coraline with the gilrs...and the neighbours children and the others neighbours children......it was VERY good! Weird..though dad comented who I was sounding shaky and "did I have asthma"? Maybe it was the morphene XD XD

I dont know Bambi-i think a supporter is higher up than a gold meber some how0 i dont know how I am a gold member, i dont even know what that is?

Tallking about foot pain...my foot is worse then ever, Hmm, not sure about intervention anymore.

There just has to be someway around all of this..Half of me cant even be bothered splitting up with him....its easier..then the other half of me thinksd...for god sake, I only have one chance at this...and Im not doing very well. Like my dad said though, not that many woman of 33 years would take the tiime out to raise 2 children and have a degree hidden away....nce one...but i do know now that nowadays its more common than not..so didnt really work..and cant find a firgging thing...i need to top it up but as I got a 2;2 which is almost a fail in that discipline ,,,theres little i can do...been googling techniques thogh..some are quite interesting, but I dont even think Ill get a look in n this city. Competition is too high..Im thinking perhaps If I get into a course , Ill be more focused and improving my future prospects, want have tim eto think about him and then ( oh dream on katy) oh I dont know Im all over the place today ...one minute ok, the next sleeping and the next Grrrr!!!!! Maybe Im PMTd....Okay, I want declare myslef homeless, yet 8)

Went out to get daughter and streets all wobbily....do you think its my eyes?????/I am sure its somesort of something going on from my sinuses and it clogging my nose, my ears and my eyes are getting infecyed......

Oh talking about hair dye.....what a mwesssssss!!! Mine is......my highlights went yellow, so I thenhad to put a mud like rinse thoru it...and now it looks o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ o.O why do all the children insist on coming to my house????????/their like cats...one niff of pizza and zooooooooommm...is so and so in?????

Try too imagine this OK? Last week I went to this foo foo salon too get highlights. Well I looked like a bloody pumpkin with lemon highlights, you know it's bad when people just do this o.O o.O So I went back and they put in a toner, so then I looked like an orange with daffodil highlights! They called it blonde!!! The cheeky little cow at the reception with WHITE highlights said "Well did you ask for cool or warm?" I said "Neither, but I'll tell ya what I didn't ask for and thats bloody orange highlights!!!!!!!" >:( >:( I said too her, "What did you ask for sugar?!!!!" In not a nice way. So they didn't do anything and I left, because I didn't want to get arressted for bodily assault, especially with hair like that!!!! ;-) XD XD

So 2 days later I was heading up too see my girlfriends, and I couldn't go like that, so I bought 2 hair dyes, both with their own highlights in it. I bought a darker blonde and a swiss blonde. So i put the darker one in, and I kinda liked it. I asked my boys and they just did the "ERRRR!!!!!! %-) %-) " So I thought - I'll add the Swiss highlights, so after leaving them in for 2 hours because I wanted REALLY blonde highlights, I took off my towel and VOILA!!!! ORANGE FLIPPIN HAIR!!! I started laughing - you know that laugh when you don't know weather to cry or laugh!? My husband said, "Well that's 2 hours you'll never get back!!!!" While I was doing the "Highilights" I decided to use my 2 year old spray tan kit - notice the words 2 years old!!!!!!! - I of course being British - didn't read the instructions. And just sprayed away. I remembered to rub in on my arms, but TOTALLY forgot about my legs!!!!!!!!!!!!! o.O o.O So in the morning I woke to find my ORANGE HAIR!!!! My blotchy DARK brown neck chest, one arm, my LIGHT brown other arm and top of one hand! And the DARKEST BROWN run stains down my leg!!!! I looked like I had pooped myself!!! XD XD o.O XD XD XD o.O :$ My fingers looked like I had smoked for 60 years, 1 knuckle looked like I hadn't used toilet paper!!!!!!!!!! XD XD o.O I tell ya Katy!!!! I think I could have started a trend, All I kept thinking is "PLEASE DON'T LET AN OLD BOYFRIEND OF MINE SEE ME!!!!!!!"

I looked like I should be in a "SPECIAL" home!!!!! If you know what I mean?! All I needed was a pair of knee highs, a skirt too small, one eyebrow and rotten teeth and they could have put me on $10 corner!!!!!!!! - CHEAP Prositute areas in our downtown!!!!!! ;-) XD ;-) o.O Actually come too think of it I do need groceries LOL XD XD XD ;-)

So sister of the yellow moon head, you aren't the only one!!!!

Hahahhahahahaha!!!!Sounds just like me!!!! cant help you wither.....as pretty much like you ...I igore the instructions...carry on regardless...i did mine the other way around...put pure peroxide in my hair after a sun- in episode o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ ...the peroxide went blotchy and I had yellow bits and whits bits....I left it for a couple of days :-| Its oing to fall out....and did the same as you ....went for the fake tan...fogetting of course to wash your hands and letting it dry in ALL blotchy and Oh my god ...you should have seen the eyebrows....andyway...one day at work with those devastsating lights on my head.....it looked very yellow and black roots.....worse than any pigoen could do...though that has happened to me before ( and not too lon ago)...so then I thought...it cant get any worse...went for the old ash mud blonde...and now its like ok colour but worzel wouldnt get a llok in....I have found a great fake tan from the body shop...its only meant for the face...and then i used this bloddy gel stuu...and the stuff gets stuck between your fingers and it does look like you wiped your bum without bog roll XD XD XD XD XD and if you dare smoke...well its the best excuse for covering up the finger nicotine stains!!!

My ex was going througha file...and found this thin......RECOR OF CONVERSATION........."katy and I have discussed opening accounts. as of yet, Katy hasnt opened one. We have gone thorugh the features and BENEFITS of the card and discussed how to approach customers on the shopfloor. Katy unesrtands that thi is part of her job and will make it her main focus" XD XD XD XD XD XD XD No wonder I left that place.........from a company called "monsoon" and they targeted students and the vulnerable...i rage...I evena rgued the case at a metting...saying this is outrageous and whne I suinged up for this job there was no pressure....only a fair trade policy....so where are you coming from??? The befits of an account card...yes get one of these and the interest will grow despite the benefits f gaining point so you can but more and then get more debt with the 19% apr....This argument still really annoys me....and this was just before I sat a maths exam ...got an A and mum was really sick and ex was being a true fanny....THIS is dated 20/0207......really annoying.....Children had a slepover with neighbours......Its fathers day......oh I forgot...I bout my dad this birthday card..it was see through so he could still watch the telly while he read it...hes demanded a pair of socks....Eff offf............darn your own...I mean really he never even got me a birthday card..so eff off...you aint getting a penny from me...and and and he eats the food I buy in.....Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

when I said hes demanding a pair of socks....my ex is, not my dad..just read that and though (doh!0

Im leaking form all areas...ears running, eyes watering and you should have seen the o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O python that feel out my nose....ewwwww yuck!!!!!!!

My hoover blew up on me...smoke eveywhere and pants cant afford a new one and this place needs cleaned!!!!



I went out with y little girl today...her happines was my distraction..She can be really very bubbily, bt shes only 6 Poor we gal...I got a little wobbily but wasnt to o bad.so going out again.

My ex , he really annoying me. its back to the original argument..."Ill go if you sign these papers" SO Im thinking about just signing them ...im sure my lawyer said "it wouldnt make a jot of difference" Im sure he said that...but if Ive to sign them I want my lawyer to be the witness, and an agrrement , signed by my ex and the lawyer stating exactly what date he is to move out!!! So that i can sort my stuff out

( that sounds far to easy and I cant imagine him being that easy)

See, I could sign these papers, he could trun on me and say "I have evry right to live here" hes already cut me off fincially and the only reason weve been able to get through this monath was due to an extrapayment from the childrens tax credits, 9 which means they misss out too)

Managed an Ice cream cone so far today, and some fizzy juice owww how healthy. Ex wants me to buy a chicken so that we can make it last..I dontnmind doing that for the girls,,,but just to really annoy him im going to buy a salad tooo and even may put avocado in it...wonder if it will be enough to anatagonise him.....or I could cut the peppers up into tiny little pieces

Took a break from ironing o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O Yes so sedate i can iron!!!!

Im sure my boobs have grown on all these pills...I dont like big boobs!

Dont know what Im going to do about the hoover situation.

Rang dad and hes sounds really sick!!! hes taking morphene every hour, and that just cant be good for your system ,,,,

Went out again with Becca and it was ok,,,still wobbily though, but at least I can go out now!!!!

Hope your ok....I cant wait till the time again I can just walk alone and feel no fear or aything,,,and I cant wait until this is over.


right going to finish (yawn ironing) Most others find it therapuetic...nope not me..its a bloody waist of time!!!!