I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

I cant take this anymore. I have Nikki telling me all this tuff, I dread my mum riniging me and telling em about carpets and wall damage from her rented acco. I am burning up and side is so sore, but it is getting better, so I do think i will be ok.Im doing to you (Dawn) exactly what my sister does to me...Im draining you..I can see it, Itds not even intentional...its just how I feel!

My sister called me telling me how much Pedro wanted her, and that her love for him was genuing , his bestfriend Pedros, explained how there were money chasers at the funeral and of wht they though of this indecent men. He killed himself 2 months ago. Nikki knew exactly how he would do it-thats alll he spoke of for years, about how many different ways he could take his life.. Its so so so sad. My sister had even saved him,yet, there relationship was the same as the one I am in right now. he used to do horrible things to her,,, but not regarding the sex issues that I have-that in there case was more the opposite. the whole thing, even though I didnt know him that well, makes me cry! And been shaking today..why are men so hard? My partner just stated that my sister i sjust a "user" and thats why I am in this place. I dont believe him, Nikki kept me going through a lot, and shes the only one that knows what our childhood was like.

Anyway, If i still feel like this on Monday , Ill go to the docs, if I am ok, Ill just let it go....Ive a solicitors appointment on Monday also, so Ill just see how I am..I just dont want to go back to cuddiling lamposts. Some of the things my eldest has been saying is shocking. My ex bought the youngest a magazine and didnt think to get alex anything...shes really hurt by it. I know that sounds daft, but its not, its just unfair! anyway. ill give you some peace and go , take care, Im so glad Ive met a chum that I can write to and that doesnt judge me......its better than any psychiatrist/counselling. Thanks again dawn! take care, Katy

If you were draining me Katy I wouldn't even answer you! I just want you to get help that's all. I REALLY don't have a good feeling about your injuries. I think you're blocking out something, and that's why I don't want you to cover it up, either physically with makeup or making UP another excuse! IF he did this or not, it HAS to be documented. What happens if it IS from him? And you didn't report it or even have it written down? What concerns me is this, after all of our conversations the times where things have been PHYSICAL for you - such as the "cat" you forget what happened. That is trauma of some sort! I don't think you are doing this to yourself at all! I think he is doing it and you shut down. And IF you are falling over because of your wobbilly inner ear, or dizziness isn't it time to get sorted out with it? If a doctor saw you right now! Not in 2 days, he/she would document everything and send you for tests, because not remembering how you got horrific injuries is NOT right! This isn't like when you get a bruise on your leg and you think "when did I get that?!" this is MAJORLY different. And wouldn't someone in the house have noticed you falling over and coming a right thump?!!!! Something smells here Katy. And it's time to get it out! I'm just talking about saying the truth, that you didn't remember. Even to myself - who doesn't have any PHD's, I know this isn't right! Did he ask where you got this from?

ehyw-its hair wyer!!Im hurting-nikki-she needs ne at the moment! I need a doc tosign me off so Ican be withher

Whats going on?!

Sorry bambi- my sister is in a mess. Im thinking about going to A and e and getting these ribs checked-though I dotn think its that bad! But somethings wrong! My sister -she wouldnt stop , on the phone to her all night and shes in a bad way!!!

Ex is taking the girls out swimming, and I am my useless self

I cant cope with my kiddies at the moment-they are so clueless to lthis and I dont want them to know. Im tired! Im tired of everything!!!Everything is a mess, its a mess and I dont know where to start!! I think I forgot to take my pill last night and Im really dizzy today, really dissy...Im not suicidal or anything like that, just see no point! I mean I couldnt really feel more guilty for bringing my cildren into this world right now. Sorry Dawn, im going back to bed..ill tidy later. Im a mess!

Theres no bruising on my rib cage but been in agony with it..I cant breathe in properly and its really sore to cough. Apparently though nothing can be done for cracked or bruised ribs so Ill not bother with a trip to the xray department..I dont think Id be able to deal with all their questions...and this time, I definately think it was my own doing..The thing is i have a (not that you really want to know) but I want to cough,and I cant.. Surely i would have outer bruising had I done anything serious, even burping is painful ok...going to try and have a shower and try some make up.

Anyway, rang mum and explained what happened , not that Ireally know anything by fact anyway,she said theres no point in going to A and E , theyll just send you away for ribs-but its so sore, and tried t og o for a walk and every step was ouch!!!! What have I don????

hey Dawn, im feeling better!! I just occasionally catch that pain, but its not so bad, I figure it will only be a little inside bruising or something, as I m sure Id be the proper martr to the case if it were anything else. i think as well, -it couldnt have been him.as it must have happened very early hours, as it was /must have been at least 5 am /6am before I went to bed, and I must have done this in between saying good bye to my sister and trying to get some water....I also found that I must have fallen on the bucket and dust pan and brush, as the dustpan is broken :$ 8-| This just makes me fall into the death and carnage at his fingertips...it makes me look like a bad mother again , and as I hurt, it makes me look even fmore feeble, and Bon Bon my cat has eaten some streamers...I thought we had mice, but no the cat has eaten streamers and they are hanging out his rear end. Yuck!!!

Kids are painting a cat bowl for them ...oh its so kiddie like.

Mum offered me my old grandads house to live, but weighing it upI Its on Loch Lomond and it is lovely -but its a small village and it would be a huge change for the girls, Plus theres the added problem of me not beeing able to drive due to my eyes..Plus I wouldnt be able to study, and also Id be at my mums duty..(If you kniow what I mean0On the good side though, id be safe , the girls would settle to it, but I really need to think this through!

ok, youre right, could hardly walk the children to the park and even soreon sitting, even burping is soreIn fact my entire left side feels sore!

Kids were great though, and had a lovely time with them. I love my girls, the one good thing about all of this is, im not suicidal...I went through a patch of wanting to top myself last year. Now I think , god thats the last thing I should be thinking about and what a waist of time...though I still do silly things to myself ( ocassionally) But nothing as before.

I think i willl take you advice and see a coc tomorrow, even if just to get this recorded..I mean why did he not hear the bump...but then again, I dont think in fact I didnt even know I had a black eye until i looked in the mirror.I dont recollect hurting myself. Its weird. almost like this place is haunted.

Ok you! I'm a bit upset! Why did you say "(not that you really want to know)"? I hope you aren't getting the feeling that I'm fed up with you or something like that? If I have said anything - OTHER than my bloody frustration with you not taking my advice ;-) XD - that was NOT my intention. Also they can do something for your ribs, they can take an xray and bandage them up. IF you haven't bruised on the outside sometimes its really bad for there not to be an outside sign of a physical truama. Such as if you really bang your head and there is no bump when there should be, it means that there is swelling inside instead of out. And that's BAD!!! So I really want you to go get checked up on! And it HAS to be documented hon! I don't know for sure, but I think he might have done this to you!!! And you are blacking it out. For you to be SO hurt Katy and not remember any of it also makes me worried about any brain damage too! If you think about it, you have had several black eyes, you are dizzy, you have a bad eye etc. It could be from a bruising on the brain or something like that. And if this swine has hit you in the head before your are twice as likely to have brain damage. You know what hon, this could explain a TONNE of stuff! So PLEASE go to the A & E - what is that a hospital? And they could actually even test you further, more than waiting for your doc to send you to the specialists for these tests. If you mention to them EVERYTHING about the black outs and the dizzy spells, and this is documented - his case against you goes right out the window!!!! Actually IF it turns out to be something to do with the physical brain and not the mental brain, then whatever he HAS done to you will FINALLY go against him - without you doing a darn thing!!!! Something IS going on hon! And perhaps they could finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

A friend of mine used to get punched in the head by her "husband" they found a clot on her brain and told the "man" that if he hit her again, they would permanently take the children away from him. And he would be charged with domestic battery by the police and the crown prosecuters office! So WHAM no more hitting her!!! He makes me sick, couldn't control himself when it was just her threatening him, but no problem when he might go to jail!

Sorry bambi/Dawn-I didint mean to upset you! I have the solicitors this afternoon, and then I may go get checked. iwa nt be able to message till later, My sister will think Im being rude I will try though! Ribs not so bad today....cant help but think I ust fell over. Anyway, you never have given me the impression you were fed up with me, its not that, its my feelings, that I am fed up of me.rather than you, if you get me. Really worried about the solicitors-its not going to look good showing up with a black eye...sorry bambi/dawn Ive got to go, thats my children coming home. Take care and hope to speak soon.

Totally understand, I asked a friend of mine once "You're fed up of me aren't you?!!!! :'( " She said "NO!, you're fed up of you!" Which was and is true. It doesn't look bad you showing up to the solicitor with a black eye, ALL of this has to be investigated Katy. And the more people that know about the problems you have had and are having, the more people can help you and the more it will be documented. Good luck and I hope to hear from you later on!

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmpfph!!!! This is an awful situation!!!! Went to the solicitors after finding out that he has cancelled all bill payments. The solicitor has advised me to take the children and find alternative accomodation. As, it is the safest thing for me to do. Well, as I have my childrens security at hear, I begged to differ, and requested him to write back to my exs solicitor to draw up an agreement that I will sign these papers when he tells me what day he is going. Ok, I can do this, yet he still does not have to leave this accomodation, even if the aggreement is signed and sealed. So as my CpN had suggested, Ill follow through her plan, that I should have donea month ago.The good thing is that i can get this done. My sister is going to help me get to the places required to get the help and benefits. So thats a great help. Ill have to prove that I am living as a single parent here, to clean up the bill mess, Ill have to reapply for other housing, just in case, and have everything set up.

My argument is that, I loose nothing by signing these papers, tThats the truth of it....if it goes as far as court I have all my family mebers, I have woman aid reports, I have , well i dont know if I will have , but going to ask, the back up of my doctor ( hmm, not sure about that though)and I have my daughters requesting that we dont move out from here. If it is brought up that I have mental health problem and a drink problem thats exasperated each other...ill just fire back with the he has exasperated all my problems by every sense of abuse...i have others too who could support me on this. further to this, when I drank, or if i drink, i don not get so abloaterated that I cant function, by any mean or form.

Right now, I feel very frieghtened and angry at the system. I feel very raw , vulnerable, and anxious about getting all of this done.

OF course you do hon! Did you go to the doctors? I REALLY want you to hon, and I will tell you why later OK? I NEED you to do this and have some pictures taken of yourself - by the doctors. EVERYONE needs to know what's going on with you. I still think he's behind this and it needs to get out in the open. IF it can be proven that the bruises are either from him directly or indirectly - such as he pushed you or tripped you etc. Then he has NOTHING! And that's what he should have. He's a sneaky b****r Katy! Going to see the lawyer, his doctor, trying to close the account, not paying the bills etc. And now it's time for warrior Katy to come out and say "LOOK at me right now! I don't know how I got these bruises but I need your help in determining IF my ex did this" ANY doctor or nurse worth her salt, will be able to tell if he has done this to you. As far as I'm concerned, after all of our talks and the things you ahve told me, I am sure that you have SUFFERED greatly by him and his hands. And because of your past and the feelings about yourself, you have hidden it. No more hiding Katy! I know me pushing you can get you a bit panicky. But he needs to be taken to the mat for what he HAS done, and what he MIGHT have done. And if/when you go to court, if it is documented about his abuse, he wont have a bloody leg to stand on. I don't trust him Katy at ALL! But I want you to trust me about getting medical help. I truly truly think that you have had some brain trauma or at least psycological trauma. So go to the doctors OK?

And yes you can get this done, you have several people already helping you and giving you advice, now you just need your doctor onside and his advice too OK!?

Hi dawn, well, im not feeling great today. My sister broke down last night and I ended up consoling her. What a mess shes in!!!!!Today, I m just going to concentrate on the housework. We got our boiler checked today and our gas fire has now beem condemned!!!Ive not bee to the doctors yet, I dont really want to go, i just dont want this to be happening. iIm tired, lonely, in fact, i could honestly say, i am again having suicidal thoughts. But, Ill not act on them..I love my children even though they seem like hard workMy sister said I should just go straight to the police-whetther hea has done this to me or not, is irrelevant as hes been so abusive in other ways, she and my mum are witnsses. My soliciotr is c**p...I mean U turn up with a black eye-it doesnt get mentionged and he continues to tell me I should upset my children by moving-though he will lhave experienced these cases time and time again+ its a legal aid case+theres no proving him, so therefor its just treated as a marital.couple seperation! In my partners bedroom, he has the empty boxes for the flatscreen tv, the channel changer box and the new hoover,,,,Grrr!!! Ouch!!! So low today!!!