I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Oh bambi-well you know how I said the green eyed monster came out last night, you do not want to know what happened. I ended up going to bed at 6am. My sister had tried to plan a holiday to visit old friends, ( One of whom used to come here and visit her and was a milionaire but a shady character) Children all over the world....anyway,,,Nikki (my sister) she ranf in a bit of a statee.........Pedro(her ex boyfriend that she lived with in bacelonia for about 5yrs) hung himself. Hes died.

Meanwhile, my partner has gone golfing...I told him last night"Ill only sign those papers on agreement that you will give me a date of when you are leaving!!!" His response was Hmpfh!!!!!and (sh*t ........almost ran out the room -she knows my game!!!) WEll yes buddy...thought of it a while,,,,even that alone ( in my eyes , is just more torture!)


I feel over last night, banged my hed and hurt my ribs..when I breathe in , it hurts to breathe, but hink its just bruising so I will be ok.

On the subject of foot pain-can they operate and not chop it off..My toe is white and I am so used to now having pain from it..ithink acht weel just live with it, the op willl be toooooo painful, and the rest!!!!)

Its funny, im not in a mood to be going out today, the girls were dragged about so much y esterday that they want a day in...I am finding citalopram makes your facila hair grow quicker...I virtually have to pluck my eyebrows every day...ouch !!! My ribs hurt...I d better go get the girls lunch...Yeah...Id live in a caravan, tent before giving them up.....They are both lovely chums...and they arethe best... ive really hurt my rib cae heckThis is sore!!!! Its just constant(whats next!!!!)

I hae a blck eye!!!Just looked at my hairy eyebrow and realised...ive a black eye. I only walloped my haead of the corner of a table...but then I looked and Ive bruising up my back....He didnt touch me last night ( sure of it) so whats a l this??Oh I must just be tired-and a bit shocked. My sister lives in the other side of scotland,,,and really she needs epeople around her, not to be on her own. Shes bllaiming herslelf...which in a way annoyed me...the geezer had children ..ok they were scattered all over the world because he was another prick that had no relf respect..for himself or woman(sorry, but god I mglad I never loved him!!!!!!) Yuck-men are disgusting!!!My ribs are getting sorere, what have I done???

Bambi, this is sore!!! My ribs, I keep catching myself, cant cough , cant laugh , cant movve, but not in broken bone agony I dont think. Its getting worse as the day is goingon. This is the strange thing, I cant stop thinking about my sister etc and him hanging himself. i think he probably did it a while ago and nikki ( my sister ) has just found out as she was hyper after finishing teaching and probably fancied going to barcelonia for a bvreak. Usually, Id have that gut ache feeling and so on, i dont have that...you know that grieving pain...I dont have that -and that wierd!!!!

I cant even get changed, watching the forgotten toys and the incredibles with the kids. ears are still the same, ee is nipping and cant movemy body for physical pain ( what a numpty!!!) I dont even know how i did it...I was really tired by the end of last night...and I thik I enede up being a nasty b***h to my sister...sayinggulp"we all have issues and ..oh no...I was such a b***h , but its partly the truth...she phones every night and huffs if you dont speak to her for more than an hour and listen to her about how her day has been.......I find it exhausting...its likeshell ditch you one minute and then be a clingon the next, bit like my mum really. Hope she doesnt find this....as I am worried about her at the moment anyway, im going to lie down and see if I can get rid of this pain.I dont really want to go get help for it as it will make me look worse. so ill try and ge over it myself What an id**t!!!!but ouch!!!!

its sore to breathe in, its sore to cough, and I cant move very well? has my lung colapsed??? Ok, this is nto good, as I am going really dizzy now too, cant even get dressed too sore-there are no bruises or anyhting, so knowing me it will be nothing, it will be me overreacting to nothing as perusual,,,,ok...If it gets worse ill ring NHs24.This is nt funny....first day of the childrens holidays...argh!!!

Managed to get girls tead, alex my eldest chummed me( she wanted a fudge doghnut) so pain isnt that bad,,,managed to get dressed. alex said "I dont want to move mummy ....he can just go ...and your not just my mummy your my best friend" awe i wish, I wish I could give her so much more!!!He, ( my ex) saidYour sister cant come here, shes not coming here, to wind you up and then use you all over again and SHES NOT STAYING IN MY HOUSE" :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S I got abbit choked, my sister practically an ano, is a lovely woman and she loves my girls shed actually be a great help, if shes managed o get out of bed today Ill be surprised. i better ring her and check shes ok, It must ( I kmow) be a real shocker to the system..Iv had a couple of friends previous who have taken their lives and one hung himself, one broke his neck and suffered for 2 weeks before dying, another threw himself down a cople of stairs, and a good friend of mine starved herself...so I do know a little bit about how she must be feeling, but Im not her, so I dont really Anyway, better go get the girls their dinner.

I dont know. I bought the paper and read a case ....The gilr had (lucky for her ) Dna evedience...I dont have these..and then I do more crazy things like fall, or wack my face of a table..so that when I say I whacked myself of a table, I did actually do it...but then theres so what and hwen has he done what he has done/did over and over......Till I turn purple.....until I stop brething..I have to protect my children...sod me..hes done this thing..like a child theres nothing for tea..and Im going out tonight ...blah blah blah...well go enjoy your dates you skanky man!!!!!! The other thing is...he , the manipulator, him whose going out, well pooor pooor woman!!!!I wish I had the evidence...all I get is Katy is distressed because of him...then him saying Im mental and I make it up wANKER!!!!!!!

Hi Katy: It sounds like you have either cracked your rib or broken one. You really need to go to the doctors over it and have them check out your head and back too. It is VERY painful and you will probably need to be wrapped tight. Don't leave that OK? It's nothing to do with what's going on with you - I hope you ARE telling me the truth about him not doing this!!! IF you can't remember just tell the doctors the absolute truth, you can't remember why this happend OK? Don't make up something that would excuse just a little trip!!! As you have learnt, keeping things from the doctor can be detrimental to you. You know this could even have something to do with you feeling wobbily!!! So as LONG as this isn't from him, because honest hon - IF he had anything to do with this at all, you HAVE to report him. No more hiding him OK?

The truth Bambi is I havent got a clue how it happened. When I got up this mornig ...it was ouch!!! And have I got make up on or is that a black eye? Its is now, its gone very black...just on the eyelid..I dont have a panda eye as I had before.

I dont think Ive broken a rib or cracked a rib, its chronic though...it could just be pulled muscle. I dont know.

My sister has calmed down, she cant even remeber me being a b***h and she understood when I told he what i had said/ She also conversed with my (ex) "Are you moving out ?" His answer: "yes" So there you have it..he will go..I just need to stay calm. i know exactly what he will try to do...Ishould take a photograph of his empties , jus t to prove hes a drinker too!

He left me in tears today , as I havent got a clue as to what is wrong with my side. and my daughter Alex, shes so loving...she even said ( the poor poor girl ) Said, "mummy , if you and daddy do split, I hope you find another...that makes you happy ..and that will love you...then she said..you are a lovely intelligent preety person" shes nine years old! I just wis things could have been different for their sakes.

Its not going to look good , going to the solicitor with a black eye either! I cant beliee what a state Im in..so nervy and worried, yet want to do better. sweat is pouring of off e, and Ive been peeing total yelllow dribbles...My neck is sore feeling bruised too...I dont get how the back of my neck is sore....that doesnt make sense!! Anyway, ive dribbled on to you enough about my problems. i hope you are doing sound, and pls keep in touch I really appreciate your caring words!

You sound terrible!!!! What the hell has happened. If you have bruises that you can't account for you need to get TOTALLY checked out hon! A cracked rib can happen VERY easily, usually from falling on something hard! STOP BEING SO BLOODY STUBBORN WOMAN!!!! ;-) o.O XD Go to the doctors, ALL of the symptoms you have been having could totally match up! PLUS IF he did something while you were asleep - grasping at straws here - they will now too. So just be open with them and get some treatment OK?

And do something else for me, give those girls a kiss and a cuddle for me!!! What a pair of SWEETHEARTS!!! Bless their cotton socks!!! Out of the mouth of babes heh?

And my name is Dawn! They only used Bambi in the 80's!!!!! LOL ;-) XD AWWH The 80's what a great time!!!! - your too young for that though!

So get to the bloody doctor woman and get wrapped up and checked out! OK?

Hi Dawn-well, I am much better today! I slept on it and ribs arent hurting so much-but my eye looks terrible!

So tired of everything/ he even asked me"how is you eye?" I responded with this; "What do you care?"

I guess its turning on its side that sorre, ,,,no no, I mean the abuse is coming right back at him , right now, I guess Ive sunk right down to his level! though dont worry, I shant beat him - damn!!! I certainly dont have the physical strengh , nevermind the wind power, sorry will power(Full of wind at the moment)..Oh and now I sound like something out of "Death Of a Salesamnn!)..Hm, right, on the subjects of the 80s..they were my childhood years, i remeber them well, I have a truly good memeory when it comes to that part of my life, i dont really know why,,,but I still feel like that little girl sometimes....I know people often say..god was that me? Well, that the thing with me, I cant change! Ive tried over and over, but I apologise for things that I dont even do...I apologise for things I do do and I apolgise on others behaviour. I have never had confidence, Ive always been behind,,,and never forget the "Katy tries hard but has great difficulty"Im tired of who I am..My primary years torture me,,,,My mum and dad fought all the time, yet that house is the only place and time in mylife where I ever felt secure....i felt like I was at HOME! Even when I was young , my sister and I , we would get up and SCREAM at our parents to stop fighting...Pls stop fighting....they used to fight physically with one another..i remeber my dad viciously going through taps that had gone missing,,, and wondering where they had gone and thentheyd be a screaming match "YOuve leant them to him"nd of theyd go into the kitchen...mum would use knives and dad would be screaming the odds at her !!! That went on for years, yet the paradox is, its the only time in my life or my sisters life that we saw our parents , laughing , really genuinely laughing and really loving each other...Their is a very fine line between love/hate-isnt there?

I was very spoiled by my dad, god aI was terrible! I used to make him get up at allhours of the morning to tape "the care bears" hed even do that . Though, my dad had a temper when I WAS a child a bad temper, and even though mum was teaching and he was a self employed designer and mum would come home and cook tea and dad would slag her cooking off

Yet, I was a true daddys girl..my dad always stuck up for me when mum took one of her tnatrums. My mum is very OCd, even twirls her hair...her standards are high,,and I could never reach them......though the 80s were good, sometimes they were my most fondest years, most simplest..god Im dribbling again ( im not I mean waffling) anyway, Dawn, I better go take the girls to the sing park!!Take car, my ribs are much better todayso not sure what it is, Still tender, but not like yesterday Thank god!!..Take care of you and thanks again for just being a great friend!!!

OMG-went to the swing partk and people are looking at me like o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O I feel like this :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ Cant stop thinking about what my sister is going through...ribs still sore but reckon its just muscle pain and eye has gone blacer, but its not too bad looks like a little black eyeshaddow. Oh well, kids played for a while...I burst out crying-donr really know why, maybe because of the way my ex is...I look back on everything and the realisation that hes never treated e right...I mean,,I was young and thought that "this was it" How naive could I have been ??????I should have left him 2 months into the realtionship...Oh Ill try not to think too much...its getting me down...I dont think my partner touched me regading ym injusuries I do thik I was just shocked by my sister and fell over....just imbalanced and tired..I still cant believe whats happened!!! I cant stop thinking about the fact he had a 10 yr old , its so sad so sad.

Avoiding the neighbour...he calls me "asbo".... XD XD

Oh dear ...my eye is so black....erm, going to buy some purple eyeshadow for the other one-its the only solution!!!. This is the 4th black eye of this year,,,or fieve depending on how you count the last 2...incredible really , no wonder people thinkim being battered CONSTNTLY! This is the thing, I do injure myself a lot, bump into things , dropthings on my head anyway, I guess that why this relationship has gone the way it has....but your right, physical injury is nothing compared with the mental torture, and I just wish iy could be seen. In fact when my partner did lay into me, I cried the whole day the next day , That was a New year, and cried and cried...he just sat and cuddled the children...But i wasnt crying about the fact that hed hurt me, I was crying as I could not understand how "this could be love"...I kept it quiet, but it was difficult as dad had rung to wish me a Happy new Year and there I was on the kitchen floor sobbing my eyes out!!! Thank god hes said the HE WIL GO though, thanjkk goodness...but I think he will probably dissapear, I think he will make child maintenace a real struggle for me, and everything will be as hard as possible...his form of revenenge if i get the legal custody of my children. That the ice cream man again !!!! Ridiculous........60p per cone so it doesnt seem that much to the children, but its getting impossible..the tantrums If I say "No" its annoying.

Ive managed to put on a bit of weight , which is maybe a good thing.....yup I now weigh 8stone 10pounds 8-| 8-| before I was just eight stone.

The only explanation s that I fell over the kitchen table.probably tripped over the stool that he made...crappie blue stool, thats bugged me for life...then I tried putting cover up on, and my eye is so stinging

Ok LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!! >;) 8-| >;) GO TO THE BLOODY DOCTORS WOMAN!!!!!!

People don't hurt themselves like you have and don't have a clue how it's happened!!! Something went on that you have either had a complete black out and passed out! OR he did something and your mind has stopped it again. GO TO THE DOCTORS WOMAN!!!!

Anyway, the more I read about your life the more you and I are alike, your parents brought back such "FOND ;-) 8-| " memories for me!!! I too was dady's and grandads little girl, got ANYTHING I wanted. I loved it, but my mom was VERY jealous of that, and made my life a living hell! LONG story. So this is why I get you so much! I understand your thought process, I understand why you do and say what you do. It all fits - for me - like a disturbed jigsaw puzzle!! When I talk to my ffriends who have never experienced what I have experienced, they are sympthetic, but they usually look like this :O o.O :$ :'( BUT my girls who KNOW that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you hear someone shout. We don't have to say a word! I'ts like an imaginarey invisible sign on our chests saying "Yep I know!!!" It's a badge of honor of surviving also a badge of despair and war wounds!!! So GO TO the BLOODY DOCTOR!!! I am worried if you've hurt you eye and ribs. Show them ALL the bruises! And I BET he's worried. I have this feeling Katy and I don't like it! That's why I need you to go and get seen by professionals OK?

To get seen by a doctor just now, Id have to go to A and E and I dont think its that bad!! Even if he had done it ( which I dont think he did) I dont really care, as forme its not a patch on all the other stuff! i get why you say go to the docotrs- I get that. I may go on monday morning, but not right now!! My black eye is even more black..its a true black eye and no foundation will cover it, so tried putting purple eyeshaddow on the other one and "alex said"wheres my mummy gone?"Oh dear.....Im wondering if the pain in my ribs is to do wiht an ulcer...as I feel like Ive a hole in my ribs.

My eldest used to be "daddys girl "too, shes not just now-but worried...as When my dad left i always felt like my mum and sister were ganging up on me. My mum and sister also had a lot more in common...they could both draw and paint....Nikki got the highest in Scotland when she sat her higher art.......I got a crappie B ( which didnt look good for my mum who was an art teacher)But yes,alot of my resentment to my mum is due to her preference over my sister and I. Ive got a very big love /hate relationship with my mum. I hate her telling me what to do, surprising me out the blue, yet whenshe got sick, I reallly worried and really realised that she only does these things for me as she does love me, whether she says it or not, and even though she lives in her own wee word now, I still love her.I guess its"You only get one mum" and lke you say, I caught myself today doing the very smae thing my mum did to me...and yo go argh!!!!Its strange though as now I can laugh about my mum...and her behaviour....like me just now, shed sit a t a knitting machine..ad i can still hear that grinding noise in my head, night after night..crunch ..crinch you know the machines I mena?? And then shed get really annoyed as she lost a thread 8-| Thats all you hear form her..oh sweary word and crinch crunch on that machine...and then thered be dad....he used to cuddle me on the couch and nIkki would go to mum. When I look back on it, I think perhaps mum is still angry wih the way I turned up into the world, and all the grief I caused her, and the fact she had PND and used to stuff me in drawers due to my constant crying.....Yep I was just difficult from birth! 8-|