I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hi bambi-in away its a relied( no offence) to hear, that you are like me!!I do not like how my partner is behaving at the moment and i feel a bit crippled ( thats the honest truth!) i cant look at him ...when I see his head...i just think( sick!!!!)I know I cant live with him, even if he does help me out onow and again, part of him helping me has a totalkonock on effesct that flattens me to the ground, In fact...I dont know..I just feel aso achey and sore today...The other night, I put it down to havin gmy ladies fashions , not eating and talikng drugs...and i think thats all made me worse, so I not that bad.. Im oki even think Ive put a few pounds on, instead of loosing them..im back at work tomorrow. i will use work as a tool to monitor my behaviour....The last time i went////iwas " i find that coment patreuninsing"''Likw who do you think you are?????"I can work the till, Im only human, and mistakes will be made by all...and thats the best way to learn....I wanted to end it with...F****** offf.............just cause you can count, but then I ende upsaying"sorry, im feeling really sensitive!"Then he said ...."dont use the till" I said "Look pal if yousaw me yesterday, youd think I was a different person".....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And, i get fed up with the put downs, and the she cant do...so i wont do and the ..i dont feel weell, get the children to school and still manage to get myself there on time....whats there pathetic excuse for being late??????It really winds me up...and all that I do is MANAGING....sometimes..I get really fed up with being knock ed to the floor by everyone...and then mum saying :Dont let yourself be a victim:: Ok ay mum I want but then could you too just stop telling me how to breathe and telling me how to live my life and can I have Michael Jackson Oxygen ....I can t breathe!!! Im so confuse Bambi, so confused.....opiats look like a great idea for me just now!!!!!!! Sorry, but I tld my partner things that had happened to me yrs ago previous...he semed to gforget......the fist time..although it wasnt the first time I felt low..I told him he said"That says nothing for me.....that makes me look really bad"................Not only that, but last year he asked me EXACTLY what happened in that bedsit: i went through it ALL with him again. Every painful breath, dont know why I did, maybe it emphasised exactly why I hurt with his ways of dealing with me and his issues...but it was just playing into his hands..DONT BE A VICTIM???????Problem is, I dont know how not to be a victim

.....and if I get "that "he has rights too" Il scream back ;;;Oh I and whys that then???????Cause he doesnt know where to shove his third leg???????he has rights, my children have rights, I have rights...so come on how can 1 person have all the rights and be aloowed to carry on regardless, he clsoes the door on me ...he thinks "let her rot" ..he tries to take the children away, theyve had enough of being told where to go and what to do because HE wants to..."ive said "stay here, dont let him tell you what to do....you dont need to go out all day every day, they have school theyve had enough of him and is ways"'they come to me and tell me.....alex is extremly annoyed...its not ebven about their wants....its al circled around him...and its upsetting my children!

IHATE HIM........ god !!!!!!! He wnated to go swimming with my children and his dad. The kids didnt even wnat to go...The younger one did eventually , then the older one...well she just didnt , but the younger one was"Im not going unless you come alex" tears , everything the works.....I want go swimming with him and his father..I cant bear the thought of them seein any slightest part of my body..A body which I wish...oh nevermind.....so then I state"This is really starting to effect the children " he states..I know katy -this is what youve done and this is your making and your causing all this...and the children lave me in tears and both cuddle me""Right now I feel sick..Is it my making??? Who does he think he his...??? You know , he cut the chord of my second child from me...I wish he hadnt..I wish id kept it like a lead...Bastard...Hes trying to take my children, he mentally torturing me with my own flesh and blood .

Me and the girls went shopping the other day. We had a lovely time, Alex is so grown up .I got her a new jacket and 2 new tops.....she looks great and shes very very tal....the younger one, shes still girlie which is lovely and she got a dress and a jumper...and we chatted about everything...even their friends...and I loved it...But I hate this!!!!!!! I find it mean crule torture......Id happily go swimming with them, but not him :-(

I need to get mwe and the girls out this situation FAST!!!! I need to do it!!! This man is a manipulative lying lazy vicious wish his will y would just fall off...in the most painful way possible. I hate him...I dont wnat him in my house...I think my solicitor ir RIGHT ( ie) he doesnt deserve to torture me, and use my children as a go between...hye doesnt need to take my children OUT all the time.....they need a abreak from us ...toooo... and Im hgoing to go for a walk....he is a reall effing I hate him....he owesd me money when I think about it...I am living of my chiltrrens child tax credit and my small part time pay....thats it...thats what m,e and the girls are living offf....and he thinks hes skint and doesnt effing buy them a thing...he doesnt clean up ....he just need to look at me and I want to vomit.....Whwen I calysooed on friday,,,I wished Id died, so I dont have to watch this, feel this, see this on my children...they are my lovely children and no matter what now theyll be hurting...I hate him...he needs to go...i ...I m not going to say what I would love to do to him..I keepp hoping that nmaybe theyll be an accident and it will be all over ( hhorrible for the girls though) but thats how my head is thinkning. The I think ,,,,maybe hes not that bad, Im always goingt o think naegativelty about men, anyway..always...it sdoesnt matter if i was stalked sexually assualted by that man, this man whoever, it doesnt matter, it doesnt maytter , my dad is barely around, I am am 33 yr old woman struggling to asurvive,,,,,but it dfdoesnt matter. It doesnt matter that I camoe from a huge posh mr poshs house whoch never felt like home becuuase mum moved us out our home, die to our dad apparently beating her up....hmmmm , seee this is the thing,,,,who the f**k do you believe,,,and who cares it doesnt matter, i dont care who believes me anymore....I really dont, i dont give a monkeys tuppenec about it..i dont care.....I only care that my children WILL BE okay,,,they will be...I am there mother ansd I adore them..no one hurts them....and if anyone hurt them theyll have me to deal with...and sorry I want let things drop lightly...I hate him really relly hate him...I hate the way he walks around in clothes that I got him,,,,but that aint much I hate how he is just a pig..He piles dishes up and says...do them a th the end of the day.....he never takes the rubbish out...hes not touched mwee...kicked or done anything to me in ages,,,thats good I guess... actually nah..I wish hed beat me up again . I wish hed almost kill me....just do it...do everything and I WILL telll ..And then there him trying to snitch on me....saying shes this and that I suffer from anxiety and its all because of the creatures that have 3rd legs and dont know where to shove them...becusase Id love to be a surgeon and chop them all off!! Right, sorry, phew...Feel a bit better now...okay going for a walk....blodd pressure has hit the roof!!!!

I need to take a depp breathe...ignore ignore ignore ingnore him!!! I hate him....He doesnt seem to realise that people do just drop down dead, and thats it over...you cant go back and re live...its not a bloddy dress rehearshal....so why treat me like this?????????? I want my children homw with me...so we could at leats chat!!!!!!!Instead Im left feeeling extremly angry. HE IS NOT GETTING ACCESS TO MY CHILDREN 24/7!!!!!!!In fact ill sihgn everything...he works shitty shifts so he want be able to keep up with seeing them properly ...Sorry and I know this seems ungrateful, but I met this man when I was 21, just after finishing my degreee, just after being stalked, just after loosing my grandad, and my step gran, ...god only know swhat I saw...actually I know exactly what it was..he was funny, Everything made me laugh and that he tuerned everything I thought around so I was altother a more relaxed person....and now...well erm oh ill go and do the dishes then and tidy the girls room

Bambi-this is really reallly hard!!!!! I mean hes being polite. he found a cheap hoover in lidls so we have gone halfers on it! But this is just it-I want be able to afford these things and really how the hell do I sort the furniture etc out....everything apart gfrom the flatscreen ...fridge freezer, and washing machin e( lol) Itd be funny if I went on and on an enedless list....anyway, I know they are all material items a, dn I know this and hes done that ...and I am thinking..I know I have moments of total hate for this man, but also if we can be polite perhaps we could just carry on living like student mates. I dont know-does that sound totally irational????????/

Re read some of my messages. What a b***h I am !!!!! \Whats happening to me???? Maybe i cant do this right now-can i??? It doesnt matter what anyone else says to me...Im not ready physically/or mentally to go throw with this-ami?

Hi there, im just wondering if there is a relationship between eye squints and anxiety????Ive had 2 eye operations to realign my eyes, when I am sicj, distrsssed or tired, i squint People , others-well in my opinion they do judge,they think that the brain is not functioning and so therefor this person lacks intelligence. That i dont thin k is fair. I as a child had 2 eye ops, one on my left eye when I was 4, and then again whe I was eleven ( on both eyes) recently , ive been shking my head abnormally due to my eyes shaking....I do this when in full concentration or sometimes, I do it when relaxing. people coment , "Your shaking your head" its not right. do you think its all in the package? Ive broken my email in box

Ok I'm going to do one of these o.O :O o.O There! By the way shaking or any eye or facial movement is part of anxiety!

What i've read on Scottish law is this, the law states that the Childrens needs have to be met 1st and foremost, so that means you WILL get the Washer/Dryer, vacuum, tables, plates cups, etc. not sure about the flat screen tv - don't think that's an essential ;-) But the rest yes! On the parental agreement you set the times on paper, and they have to be followed, it cannot be whenever he feels like it or you feel like it. So like I said before, right now he is playing the injured party and doesn't want people to see the real him. So for now he will say he wants to see the kids mon, tues, wed, thurs, friday, sat, sun!! You know and I do that WILL fall by the wayside after the spotlight is off! I know right now you are up and down, but I do think IF you can, get this moving forward and get that Residecny Order in place! With the provisio that he has to be gone by certain date. In fact - like I said before - tell him calmly that he has to move before you sign the papers. And that you will have a letter drawn up for both your lawyer and his lawyer stating that this WILL happen after he leaves. I think that is the best thing right now. AFTER he is gone, then you can start clearing out all the clutter and figuring out if you even want him in your life at all. Because once that paper is signed, you can have him stick to it to the T or be more leniant.

I can't remember if you have ever had counselling for being attacked. I don't think you have and you really need to hon. You have a LOT of pent up hurt and anger. This has NOTHING to do with whats going on right now - except for his continued abuse of you - but I think you going to a group or individual counselling would be a great thing for you!

So get intouch with the lawyer tommorrow, and have him draw up something legal about setting YOUR rules for this! You are in charge of this not him. That's when you get the angriest is when he has made the 1st move, so YOU make this move!

Good morning Bambi!!! Listening to Michael jackson ( ll). Read the paper about him and broken ribs (etc) The media are arses..Surely if youve had a cardiac arrest , they have to break your ribs?????

Im in a realy good mood this morning -right ow!!!! Like Im completely pissed - thankfully im not!!!i dont know though, Ive been snubbing people...which I never do-but pants, it made me feel better! Like, mum jibbereing on about what a good job Neil did to Tarbet floors and blah blah//"right mum , ive really got to go get the girls to bed" Oh silence...long pause and then "ok then bye" Black or white its brill!

anyway, beter sign of and get my giddy butt to work!

Heck -Bambi- it was like I was out of control!!!!! Boss said "do this""" and then asked if I could EVEN do that ( blah blah blah) and then me.....ME turned round and said (DOH!!!!!!!!) ...TO MY boss and Ihe looked o.O , I looked :$ ....aand then carried on. Kept saying stupid things all day.......and Omg even laughing at myself on my own.

Then , an as I am just thinking I am ok-I can barely walk home, and climbing the walls to get to the school to get the girls. Got there, and then the younger one wanting to play with lots of children. Ive not eaten anything yet , and i cant think what id like.

then I go back to the , perhaps he could saty here, and itd be easier for the children and make financial arrangements...cause after reading your last message, my partner WILL NOT LEAVE UNTIL I have signed and written up that contract...Im scared illl sign and he still want go...or he will go. Im incredibly worried about these things as finacially there is going to be problems..And i am a dotty person when it comes to paperwork..In fact i struggle to pair socks o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O Its sock hell!!!!!!


What the ...something yuck...something just came out my nose,,,,another python-sorry, thats so yuck,..yeah, so him playing inkured soldier is working and draining me to what am i goign to do ? To what should I do? To what the h am I doing? and to sh*t how the hell do i improve things/

Ru taking ALL of your medications? IF you are, I think you need to go and get checked out by your doc, I think you either need to be changed or increased etc. If this continues, you might loose your job!!!!!!!!!! So you need to get that checked into OK?

Now have you talked to the lawyer about the residential order? And about YOU getting a document up for him to sign? Stating that "On the -- of July, 2009, Mr. so and so must vacate the residence of Ms. Katy so and so at 123 Skip to my loo gardens, Scotland! And that on the -- of July, 2009 - day after - the Parental Agreement form will be signed by Mr. So and So and Ms. Katy So and so!" Then you can get the lawyer to do up a seperate Residential Order for yourself and the kids - and he doesn't have to know a THING about it!

The way he has been sneaky Katy, makes me truly believe that he might do the 2nd strike as well as the 1st. When I stated several weeks ago I was worried that he might bring up your mental illness and the drinking - he did it. NOW I am worried that HE will apply for the residencial order and do what I'm telling you to. IF that happens I don't think you will have a leg to stand on!!! So you need to get this moving before he does OK? Also remember EVERYTHING out in the open about him with your doctor and the lawyer. HE has with his about you! And now it is your time!

Hi bambi-i dont see my lawyer until Friday. I am taking my medication...I dont really know what I should be and how I should be taking the emergency diazepam though-hmmmm!!! I also have incredibly bad thrush...its so so uncomfy I get it lots but when Iam stressed it decides to itch like mad! Oh god- do I have to put that on the internet o.O :-D See, Im having one of those-I dont care days, ...i think its something to do with the medication as i think ( life is too short -on it, and that , dont give me c**p or ill show you the other side of my gemini character-so there!!!!

I hate that when you put a tampon in anda pube gets caught, its flipping sore!!! Your right though-I need to watch my behaviour-I do tend to take out on the wrong thing and cut my nose off to despite my face. Sorry, Im going al graphic on you and being grtesque!!!

I did find my boss a bit insulting-like can you EVEN DO THAT?? Its like that"Thats good FOR YOUKATY!!" Remark..Okay your last message Ill re write out and ask my lawyer-if I can actually do this?

Things at home, well he hides in our old bedroom watching tv, thers no communication andI havent got a clue when hes working and its good in one way, I get peace, but in another way it makes me wory. I know you say he can turn the tables, but do I not at the moment , by law hold the MOST rights, so if he did that and it ended up incourt, surely Im safe here???My cpn has written a letter to my lawyer stating its only anxiety, which in a sense is a god send, as maybe he tought I was something else , so wasnt prepared to believe the stuff that came out my mouth.

Bambi, I really do apprecaiate your help, and time and patience and clarity..Ive none of these things at the moment...I go from "dont let it get you down" to states of complete"maybe i should just...." I want be telling him this, or anyone ele, but if I loose my children to him , I will do something to myself that will be ireplacable........I will. I would have done anything for them...lived in a toilet just to be wwith them so well, if the last resort happend, I will let it happen-it just more c**p for them to deal with.

My friend phoned me and asked me to babysit, do you know-I was flattered!!

Listening to Michael Jackson....do you think he knew all his life he was going to die young? if you listen to his lyrics-it makes you wonder!!!

yeah I just need to direct the Duh!) thing at me and my drinking and at him and his behaviour. The citalopram makes me feel nauseated, so it stops me from being REALLY BAD!! But I think it makes me a bit hyper sometimes, saying crrazy things , but at least ican laugh about my sillly behaviour.......like did someone throw up...is that what that design is about???I get sad from time to time, yo know when your tummy aches as everyting is hurting, that comes and goes now, but I realise I am not as tearful as I was and think this pill is a god send.it helps me to keep calm around the children too, as I am so anxious I get impatient with their girly ways, young ways...though dont get me wrong I was a difficult child myself....god, I put my parents through hell..yes, I did, I always had to have my milk warm in my cereal and dare they put too much, Id cry. I was terrible, and if they said something worng or that I didnt like id cry and hold it in me and not speak, huffy bairn that I was..anyway, Im jibbering now...Ill go back and get some info from that last message you sent me. I knwothat if it came to court, I know that my children would not only NEED me, but WANT ME< and just by getting that far on, shows what a TOTALLY horrible creature he is.

Ok today I have visualized a snake coming out of your bloody nose!!!! Thrush - God knows where being itchy! and a pube being caught in your tampon!!!!!!!!!! :O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O ;-) What the heck!!!!!?!!!! Do you guys have this in Scotland WTMI - Way to much information?!!!! LOL


Anyway back to your insanity - ;-) Ask the doctor for Clonazepam or Cebalta! Those work really well for me, I haven't had a break with them at all. I am constantly the same and don't feel over the top about anything - even my road rage has gone!!!!!

It's the male authority thing and anyone that makes you feel inferiour WILL get it, because the main culprits NEVER got it like they should. You WONT loose your children, as long as you take care of yourself and give them a good upbringing so don't worry about that OK? Get in charge and 15 steps ahead OK?

Hi bambi-im o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O as he has got up, and said "ill take the kids to school today!" o.O o.O ...Im thinking ok...I mean my daughters 9 and the other one 6 -how is a couple of weeks of him doing the school run going to change anything, also its taken me to crawling around buildings , cllinging onto lamposts, etc, before him helping...but although I am feeling like dopey today..I keep having to tell myself to relax...I cant relax -not without a struggle.

Im goignto have to post less here, in case this is used against me too.

Sorry about the way too much info :$ yesterday. Right, better go do the dishes, slap some make up on...(if I can be bothered) I am worried about his next strike as he says"see ya later Katy" More of a tone , im going to get you...tone, or is that me over worrying? anyway, better zoom-take care1