I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Gosh, Farrel fawcett and Michael jackson all in the one week!!!

Okay, discussing things this morning with friends. Theyve said"Wait!" try this first-tell him "there is no going back , and help each other out o.O (ie) Instead of finding you and the girls a flat-find him one" Deep down I am thinking yup, yup (sarcasm0 yup....then what???????in my head I am thinking what ...then break his legs a nd move him in :-D :-D :-D :$ ...Still, it is the more rational mature snsieble way of handling things..So this I will try first...If he says"No" blah blah blha, not until youve signed these papers blah blah blha.....ill sign the papers....discused things with family and Ive a hiuge case against him( If it were to go to court , I have witnesses of his behvaiour...where the mental abuse is concerned and the financial abuse) so thats a help....where the physical abuse is concerned ( i realy dont care0 and where the other stuff -which makes me want to spit nails, get stitched up ....Mind you that could be bad for my plan to meet a gorgeous handsome millionaire"dad said, theres millions of them, there must be on nice one for you"(Hmmm, must have been the morphene :-D :-D :-D Oh dear, im all sarcastic this morningeven thinkingbaout messing up my flat so mum can moan at me and entertain me.....Thank you for aying your proud of me, but this is such a whirlwind...Ill give him this weekend to help come up with somesort of agreement, he knows this cant be good for th echildren...If he carries on ...Oh I dont know....Ill put a time limit on helping to get him out...he has till next Thursady....and if theres ben no agreement I will drag my fat butt to see my housing Officer.

Hmmm, still thinking. Its just really no good.I got back in touch with my solicitor after several conversations with my family about these papers that he wants me to sin. I really do not want to uproot my children , but Im scared at signing these papers as he can be cunning and devious , but I think these papers are fair and I really dont have to worry, ( not really) ....at least then I am trying every avenue and not hurting the kids moreso , because Im scared to do something. Ive managed to make an appointment with my solicitor for the end of next week.

My parenter was being extremley nice to my mum and my mum got really baffled by it.Like I said to my mum ( and I couldnt believe that I said it) I said"No one treats me like that and gets away with it-no one!!!! She said, "good stick to your guns then" and then extreme guilt...my little girls and am I the one actually hurting him/them??? and Sometimes i still cant believe that I have mental issues with an alcohol problem-and that makes my guilt worse.

Ok, Bambi, i am extrenley concerned. ive been thinking.(dont think thats a good idea at all!) But I am thinking, if my solicitor says its okay to sign these forms, and its safe to do so despite my previous records, then I will go ahead and do so! However, I am concerned at how sneaky my partner can be......hes simply sneaky, like youve said, but if this went all the way , to court and if he did try to b****r off with our children, then Id have a huge case on my hands against him, so maybe my fear is just driven by anxiety. At the same time, I told my ex ( perhaps should have not) what I was thinking. (ie) "You have stated you will leave, if I sign these papers".so I need that verbal agreement in writing. Ok, so he gets it easier to fight as a daddy, but hey there are things he has not documented about his own behaviour, that he has denied ever having hurt me, that and the rest-does that make any sense?

Still, if needs be, and if he sticks his heals in after Ive agreed to his deal, and he does not goooooooooooooooo, then I will make means to move me and the children out.I am worried thoug, cause if the courts do have to find my medical records, they will recognise that I have abused myself and alcohol, which does not help my case, Though in the same tone, Ive gone for help and I am trying to help myself and my family out by making moves-does that make sense? I mean he can treat me and my family in what way , howwever he wants, but , they are not stupid, and even my dad read the paper that you did, and stated , itd be fine to sign these. I just dont understand why he would feel insecure about me letting him see the children. maybe as the solicitors letter, although not a word of a lie was harsh, but hey in return his was probably true to , and thats why its so vicious , as the truth and reality really hurts!

The way I read the document is that this is MORE for the kids than it is for the parents. IF the court rules it is NOT in the best interest of the children to see him then they wont. But if you guys come to an agreement then they wont meddle. NOW about the residency agreement, you HAVE to have that in there. I read it and I want you to have your lawyer put that in. It will be you and the children living at this place. Has your ex ever mentioned the residency agreement? I think if you lawyer could do up a paper along with the residency clause stating something like this. "Due to ongoing mental and financial abuse from Mr. ..........., my client requests that she be given residency with their children and that Mr. ........ must leave the residence forthwith"!

It is a c**p shoot right now, BUT I think if you talk to him in a CALM adult manner and say this "OK! ........ obviously this is the end of it, and it's time for us both to move on!, of course I still want you to be in the kids lives - you are their father - but obviously we can no longer live together! I will DEFINITELY sign those papers, but I have also asked my lawyer to add the residency clause to it too, stating that I will be the Primary caregiver and will be living here with the kids, and because of our past together you will need to leave here immediately! I am sure you don't want to stay here, or want me to take you to court about this and for me to tell the courts what has happened, and neither do I! I just want us to go our seperate ways, you to see the kids and for us to get on with our lives and try to remain on good terms! I have been in a bad way - as you know - but that is because I didn't want to tell everyone what has been going on with us, and was unsure what would happen next, but I am fine now, I've stopped drinking, and am totally capable of taking it from here, So the way I see it - to cover both of us of course ( 8-| ) is for me to sign the papers after you leave! Because it is yours and my lawyers hands I WILL NOT and CANNOT renig on that And I wont for the kids sake, I want us to have a good relationship and be a family as much as possible, but we can't do that together! I'm sure you agree with me and this can't continue, if I became sick over all of this, I'm sure you ahve too right? ( 8-| ) so lets get this done once and for all for the kids sake 1st and yours and my sake 2nd OK? Thanks to you bringing up that I have been having a hard time of it mentally, it has made me wake up get my act together, reach out for help from social services and and realize that enough is enough, and I hope that you don't make me go to court and bring up all our dirty laundry, including what I have said to my doctors and social services - Do you? So let's call it a day OK!!!!!!!!"

So what do you think about the above!? Remember smile and smile, yes sir no sir three friggin bags full sir!!!!! ;-) XD If he flips, don't join him and just take the high high high road. WHEN you keep it even, it will shake him a bit and make him think "She is fine!!! I could be in trouble here" It 's best to be passive aggresive - you threathen him without him knowing it. Saying, I'm good now and you don't want me to ratch this up do you?!!!! Things like that! What do you think!

Scared,but,ill give it a go ! Cant sleep for over thinking,but hey thats life!! i was a fool to get in this sitution,\I wi;lldo something for them to revcover it,tootired,forgot totkae pill, but iwillbe something nirmal one day!

Hey Bambi-Ok, taking your advice on board. I wont let him get to me-Ive got to a point where i think Men are weird!!!!! I mean why do women bleed? (Doh!).Anyway, I colapsed last night-i dont really know why, id eaten and things , so dont know why that happened-but otherwise-im fine! I can honestly say I FEEL FINE!!!Not like me hahahahha-but yeah , feeling good. I going to re read your pst and keep me in tip top shape :-D :-D Thank you Bambi!

WellBambi-he threatened to take the children out today. Theyve had ENOUGH!!!! They said "No -daddy , we want to stay with mummy" Probem is though I am so sore, my stomach is not sore , in fact more a blubbery mass lying on top of m,e, but every ther limb in body aches, like ive ran a marathon. Anyway, mantally I think Im ok, sort of thinking..."this is nt happening to me-and so what if it is" and "worse has happened-just i cant be bothered gfighting anymore" I dont give a stuff about what others think, i dont care I really do not car. i need a bloody hoover and its racking m yhead in. I feel like a fat mass with liquid in her ears, I feel like at totally irresponsible old fool!..I ook back and think maybe , maybe I should not have complained, maybe maybe I should have kept my gob shut, I should have....mind you,it didnt show its ugly head until I was back in the workplace again... Id go to work, Id cry , howl ball, -dont even know what I was doing, didnt even care, just wanted help....Id do my shift some how or another, theyd put up with me, even help me...but then b***h about me, or look down their noses on me, well fine...I had to go home , recover 2 children from a mess, and get organised for their school the next day. That went on for yrs,,and he he wouldnt do a thing apart from drink drink and then drink....and then rant about some politiacal episode on the news.....

Weve not had consented sex for years, thank god...I wonder what itd be like to be loved like that without having to be completely intoxicated -actually to be honest from what I recall that all seems like too much effort id rather go drinking a bottle of winthan that thing...some people do that,,,, and they dont get called up by maangement"Your stinking of bluh!!!!" whereas I get You semlll like a bottle of wine...well I am one....oh and finding it hard to open my curtains today...Children, theyre ok, they are actually giving me toivation to get up....Alex said"Come on mum lets chuck his clothes out the window-itll be fun" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D :-D mE.....im depersonifying!!!!!!!!! 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-|

I think i should copy cut and paste some of your posts and take them to my solicitor....and maybe a doctor...... I have just had a o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ :$ moment!!!! My partner came home with a sheepskin rug for me o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O WHY?????? (Thanks very much-really kind :-D ) and out of PURE desperation borrowed the neighbours hoover OmG, OMG OMG did I swear!!!! yes casually along hoovering....ex takes the hoover off of me and carries on.....the bloody thing switches of......NO life in the old sucker XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD Im swearing, hes swearin and were both swearing....thats 2 hooovers...and swearing and swearing , using the f word.....anyway, after lots of ooooooooooffffffffssssss and so on....the instructions read"idf a blockage tis hoover will switch itself off......." so emptied the dust in the bin and half an hour later of sweat a tears......theres life...phe ppheeeeew!!!!!!! This is he thing .....now I feel incredibly guilty, for being so mean......He says"he bought it for my sore feet , so I get up in the morning.......well, i dont know hooover me up, spit me out to do it all again the next day....

Everything youve said , by the way, abot the residency order-can i do that??????????????????????????????? Verbally thats what hes agreeing to do....but its not the veral stuuu ......this time, it is a case of "Actions speak louder then words"

Ok hon!!!! I think this has been too much, I was worried about this sending you back too much. OK take a breather from all of this and on Monday you need to go see the doctor. You can't do this right now! You know that old expression "If you're arguing about the toothpaste, it's not the toothpaste!"? So in your case TODAY it's not about the vacuum, it's about your emotional and mental state. This IS too much right now. And that's why you passed out last night, it was getting too close and too much for you. So just take a day off of thinking about anything serious OK? And lets get you some help, because you obviously need it to help you. ALSO are you drinking at all?

Bambi-im all right. Just slept all day today...Im ok....I dont know-talk about making life easy on yourself!!!!!! Why has he bought me a rug??????Why????????????Do you know hes bought meI I thought it was3 things initially, but realised its 4 things...A dyson, a hairdryer, a ps2 for when I was expecting, and a sheepskin rugWhy????????????????????????????????????????????WEIRDOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!and....no I dont think I need a breather, Im ok, I can walk outside I am ok. Its ok, my own mum used to pass out all the time when stressed, its ok,,, just genetic!!!!!I didnt have wine, i had a champagne truffle o.O A chocolate thing....cant remeber if I ate my tea...i dont remeber eating a tea, but I had eaten a luinch...oh anyway........I have a friend on facebook, that I used to be close to, shes asked if I want to met up with her to discuss things..Shes a lawyer herself, so knows more about things than I do...so glad shes helping me out. Though in my lawyers defencem aybe ive not communicated with him very well, or knowing me i will have missed out the important stuff!!!!!

Katy! Passing out is not "NORMAL" it is your brain shutting down, it is NOT genetic. It is a total outright panic/anxiety attack! When your brain gets so overwhelmed with things it can shut down, just like if you keep hitting the enter key on the computer it will eventually stop working. Same thing!!! Don't worry why he is buying you these things, it doesn't change anything, he might be doing it because he got it cheap, he might be doing it so he can show to his lawyer that he is trying, etc. etc. doesn't matter.

It is true that you haven't been open with your lawyer or your doctor, but I want you to listen to your body. I think we are pushing her too much! I really do, and that's why you can't remember if you had tea and you passed out!!! And that you are starting to feel bad about yourself again. You say you're OK, but this isn't what you are "saying"! I'm glad to hear you haven't drank anything, and DON'T OK? It wont help you with your medications, and he will document it too. Speaking of medications, are you taking them?

Hi Bambi, im on a chillli high...had some verma@@@@ (dont know how to spel that ) but it was so hot with spice, that i now have floaters flying in my eyes!!! Yes I still take the citalopram, take it at night time, as it still makes me feel sick, and ive finished the 2mgs of diazepam, I took one a day, instead of the 3 that I was intitally suppose totake for a week ( whoops!) There finished and I think I am ok...dont know about that chillissoup though....talk about floaters.....It was so so spicy, and believe me I can eat chillies by the dozen. Children are gaving fish and chipstonight...I must admit-I wouldnt mind some vino...One minute im down to earth and thiking nothing is ever that bad . Then Michael jackson died. its like another thing , its like that was the year when so and so passed away and when mummy and daddy split and ........... I have thriller drilling a hole in my a;llready spaced out head. I dont htink im in that bad a state, nothings wrong, I dont feel sad, like i was before, though that comes and goes, and my stomach settled down...well not since that chilli soup chinese stuff...I think my tongue has swollen up!!! i dont like how Michael jackson is the BI legend though, and ot much really in comaroson is mentioned about farah Fawcett. I am starting to worry about signing these forms, and why would he buy me a rug-he needs every penny to move out? and why would he do that when I had cost him 80 pounds in legal fees last month, and aparently it was a birthdya present ( HUh?)

I know you don't usually listen to me about medical stuff BUT this you HAVE to! DO NOT STOP the Citalopram or Diazepam!!!!!! It is VERY VERY dangerous to stop these. If you get an upset stomach with the Citalopram take it with some bread. You HAVE to take the amount they perscribe you. IF you don't it will be on your medical record that you are "Non Compliant!" This is HUGE, it says to the medical and possible legal community that your are not following perscribed medical treatment or advice. And because of you already been flagged as "Mentally Ill and a Alcoholic" by his lawyer, this will only enable them to have a stronger case. In fact - in most western countries - IF you are noted as being NON COMPLIANT you can actually loose your doctor. He/She can sign you off! PLUS this is very bad for your physical self and mental self to not follow the directions. If I didn't follow my perscribed medication I would be in a mess! And I want to be like I am now, not like I was before. You not following the perscribed amount has just made me realize why you have had a little relapse. Clonazepam and Cymbalta have saved my life LITERALLY! And without them I don't know if I could have kept what I have - INCLUDING my children and my home! Because you are still in the middle of this and I am at the end, you cannot see the importance of this! I have hoped that I have made you see as clearly as possible what could happen!

Ok, Im hearing you LOUD AND CLEAR! hECK! Ihadnt even thought about it like that before. Thats not good news at all.

Im trying my best!!! My doctor has gone on holiday-and Im just dispairing as I cant go through all this with another. Some of the doctors seem so young, so cleverm and have everything going for them, in away that makes me shut down and not talk the truth. i can be more open wiith my own Gp as he saw me through pregnancies and things...I just can talk to him better, I guess I have more faith in him that way, but I hadnt looked at it like that before. Right, he gave me 5mgs of diazepam for emrgency useage, Ive only ever taken one....im scared of the stuff, as I know I have an addictive personality, and I certainly do not want to be hooked on valium-do you get me?

I believe your supposed to take citalopram in the morning, but it makes me far to forgetful to work on, thats why I take it at night, plus sometimes I feel like I shouldnt be taking it. Sometimes I think theres nothing wrong with me, that I dont really need it.OK, Bambi-ill try and be a good girl, but its hard to comply when it also makes me feel like vomiting every 5 minutes-though on citalopram, I am even calmer about throwing up than my usual self.

hes been really great to me again-and I wonder - am i doing the right thing-or have i been in a mental state for so long I cant see the good for the bad? having contradicted myself there, I see that, that I cant forgive him..I cant forgive him for even his denial. In away, i wish I couls, I wish I could to benefit the children too.

Ive just watched an episode of casualty, and one of the doctors is il with a brain tumour. This is the thing, i have well a friend that grew up with me..hes just turned 30 and has an inoperable brain tumour that hes been toldd willl inevitably turn malignant.That makes me want to put a knife through my heart so I dont feel guilty for my self pity and behviour.

On the better side of things, Ive been thinking...look Katy , everyone knows now, your dad, your mum , your sister, your firends....and Ive done that for a reason-though I am terrified of not bein g able to cope, r him taking the children.I never realised that Gps and docotors could do that-im in this way over my head. I think ( oh here comes an opinion) Im going to have to slow my anxiety down, take time to consider all options and consequences...I cant risk hurting my children aor even loosing them.Really, i dont even think that should be a concern of mine, but it is. Like you have stated , hes sneaky. Im at a loss..i can take citalopram stnight though-cant I? im sure the doctor will be ok about the diazepam-will he? heck Im realy worried now!

Hi If it makes you foggy perhaps take it at night! I take Clonazepam and Cymbalta at night, if I took them in the day I couldn't drive or anything like that. Phone your pharmacy, I don't think it should matter really. I'm trying to remember when I took Cialopram I think I took 2 one in the morning and one at night! I don't like being foggy, my doctor gave me a pill for the shakes called clonadine I am supposed to take it in the day but I can't so I take it at night. The way I see it is this, IF you are supposed to take 1 pill a day of anything - other than if it is TOTALLY stated of course - then it doesn't matter if it's a night or in the day. Because if it makes you dizzy or foggy then take it at night to help you get some sleep.

You know somehting, I understand totally about you being comfortable with your doctor, BUT that said sometimes a new set of eyes looking at you and listening to you can put another idea forward! Also you NEVER know what they are going through personally do you? You might think that they have everything going for them but they might just be keeping it all together for works sake! i understand about the addictive personality, that is why I got hooked on Opiates and thus all these bloody problems! BUT I know I don't feel addicted to these, I just started listening to my body and tell my angel of a doctor EVERY time I feel like I might be getting a problem with a certain drug. So he has been great about it. You and I are SO similar, I remember when I thought "Oh I can cut these 2 pills out now, I am feeling good - all the while I am feeling this way because i'm on them 8-| ;-) - so I decided to go off them. and within 1 day WHAM!! I was on the floor crawling and crying to my bedroom - I am DEATHLY afraid of the dark!!! So I had an all out panic attack, and had to beg my husband to go and get my pills and water really quickly. Also at Christmas I was SO sick with the stomach flu, couldn't keep anything down. So after 2 days of not taking ANYTHING I had one of the worst attacks I've ever had, I knew I HAD to take my medications even if i threw them up, or I would be taken to hospital I couldn't breathe etc. So I took them, they stayed down - thank God and I could finally get some sleep. Due to MANY issues througout my life, I might have to be on these forever I don't know and you know what I don't care. I laugh, I function, I go out now - went out with one of my girlfriends for lunch yesterday, and that is ALL from how these drugs have helped me. I am a pretty solid person, VERY opinated, an open book and if you don't like what your read - keep on walking (this is my phylosophy). So when I am not like that I could actually burst into tears, because I am not myself. So don't think of it as being mental or weak or silly or daft, it's not - it's just like taking an asprin for a headache. You and I and millions of people suffer from anxiety so why shouldn't we take an "asprin" right?

I am not a believer in drugs really - funny heh? o.O - But I have tried many different therapies, natural, hypnotherapy, brain relaxing etc. - and they didn't work for ME! I have SEVER anxiety so I know that I could actually pass out and have what is only described as a heart attack if I didn't help myself. So that is the same way you have to think about it too. I don't even think about it now, I just have my blue box, I take my pills when I'm supposed to. If I go away I take my pills with me. And I am fine!

When you are feeling better, you will view the relationship differently. As i did with my husband - a year ago my husband and I were this close to divorcing - I hated him and myself. My kids were miserable, and we were too. He took them on holidays and I stayed home. He came home a different man and was really trying! I went to my doctors told him how bad it was, he put me on Cymbalta and I am back to my normal self and my house is solid right now - KNOCK ON WOOD!!!. So it MIGHT be the same with you, I have a lot of resentment for how my husband has treated me, but I now take each day for what it is. You never know how you will feel till you are fine in yourself!