I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

aweeeeeeee, hi Bambi.....so confused. I am a bit more anxious now that youve said he could trun it all and he could take the kids and file for residency order. Im in panic mode again...yes that floor looked well like a wobbily swimming pool, also cant breathe out my nose, AT ALL.....Ho many more pythons???????? Honestly I cant eat as I cant breathe...I have to open my mouth half way between chews for all to see!!! Im painting a lovely picture of me -eh?????

Talking about the way i thik I look and the way i feel, my daughter asked me yesterday "How many boyfriends did you have before you met daddy?"...On a count possibly 3......she cheered me up .....she said"Mummy I find that hard to believe, your so pretty" o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O :$ :$ Well, I was a bit shcoked by that, then again biasms are in families, as I think both my children are beatuiful, even if theyve not cleaned their hair or brushed there teeth.

I do need to speak to my lawyer, Im going to go back through some of the things you have said to me. then am I just lazy, then I think god, I cant be bothered...or is that these pills? These have taken their time to start on my system....I started to really feel ok today, behaving myself, and like thats good for you, that bad for you, and really wanting to give my children a lot more

Hey bambi- Im really frightened!!! Just by his laxidaseical approach! Whats he doing?Whats he up to? Why is he buying me things? Why Is he being polite? etc!

Ive not been able to eat tonight, and Ive had (shhh1) dont tell on me-some wine! I just hurt-like"this isnt happening"My ears are watering , eyes watering and throat really itchy, finding it hard to breathe through my nose!

Sometimes, I think, sometimes, I think, maybe I have made it up-but PLS believe me, it is a way of blocking the truth out! I never wanted this for my children! I wanted it to be a good life for them..and today all those feelings were made worse by daddy cuddling on the couch...Right in your face, THEY NEED HIM!!!

On the other side of things, they dot need me, finding things tough, finding it really tough to carrry this throw!!I wanted things to be PERFECT!!! for us to get married, for us to live a fine life--thats just mad! But today , i was looking back on how we met andhow things were good and when they were good, they were, but I know now whats he is capable off , I now he can swich like a lightswitch , that too terrifies me. Ive lost all my confidence , all anything I ever had. Im lost when I look in the mirror, iseee an ol person trying to dress up young!

I know, really there is no excusing what he has done to me, but at the same time, I am no angel! Lets face it, here Is eveidence! The phone keeps ringing and I really do not want to speak to anyone...Im not even feeling tired drained or emotional-just numb!! I do not know what to make of things, -and I feel like I have huge trust isses with every human. I curled up today on my bed and my big fat cat cuddled me...it was a warm feeling..Like he knew I was down and wanted to fill the gap..as though I was epecting in away..I know that sounds weird, btut his purring sent me to sleep, and I sleppt , then woke up in a panic!! sh*t, school run -work but it was only ten to five. I dont know what to do-iam still thinking, perhaps we could go to realte and discuss my /his issues, before moving further! Though deep down , id still be lying to myself,,,,so do I continue despit the heaviness in my head? do i cnontinue regardless of how my children feel?? So confused!

Actually Katy all you have done on here is talk! You have stated what the truth is and IF he wants to ever open that can of worms, he could find himself with a whole case of whoop ass!!!!!!! So I really doubt he wants to turn the spotlight on himself. I REALLY REALLY don't want to frighten you about anything to do with the kids Katy. I just want you to listen to me, like I've said before I'm over all of the struggles you are in the middle. I have studied people ALL my life, I know when someone is going to flick their hair, I know what a two sided sword a tongue can be. I GET people and their behaviours. So that along with what I have personally gone through in my life, I kind of know what's going to happen next. Or have a reasonable idea of what might happen. So I am just worried that he has himself a good lawyer and they strike before you do. You have SO many things going through your head and he hasn't - ;-) 8-| . So he has that time to be coniving. BUT women are WAY more coniving than men, and that is what you have to let out of your system and bring it forward. I just answered another lady's post about her abusive ex and if you read it Katy I think this is TOTALLY you! And I think you can actually get more help if this is proven for you - it's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - And I've always thought you have this. If you have doctors and lawyers that agree you can get the help you need and it will be documented.

http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Looked that up-im not convinced that what has happened to me IS THAT TRAUMATIC!!!!

Oh sh*t, received letter form the bank (ex) tried to put the overdraft into 2 seperate names, but instead the bank have just shut down our accoun, claiming we have no agreed overdarft limit and now we are being charged left right and centre.

Im an id**t for not freezing it, but hes a n id**t for trying to do this and then not communicating and now this...and worse,, he hasnt paid any houselhold bills. I used to pay these direct debit everymonth for yrs, but he took them when I lost my previous job.

anyway, im babysitting tonight for a friend which is good as it gets me out :-D :-D

I dont know this citalopram stuff makes me think :-D o.O XD about to behave mayself-how to look after myself etc-but its keeping me awake and people are giving me strange looks o.O :$ what drugs is she on??

Hi Katy: There not looking at you thinking "What drugs is she on?!" They are probably thinking "Why does she have orange hair!!!!?" ;-) XD XD

I disagree with you - yes I know ;-) - I do think what you have been through is trauma! - It doesn't have to be a physical war, but you have been attacked, he has done and put you things that your "fight or flight" response has not been so strong. Many women and children who have been in abusive relationships have these symptoms.

Since you have a joint account, you can't do something without the others approval. He's a dummy so don't worry too much about that. So go into the bank and ask for a seperate account. Do everything like a single parent from now on OK? Get him off as much paperwork as possible. Good luck with babysitting!

Hi bambi-how are you?

I had a good night looking after my friends children.it went well. Absolutely lovely children. They were both really well behaved....though I did have to watch Lord of the rings over and over..but it was good, and I relisation that I do WANT more for my own children. Totlly think thats my point. Weve(him andI ) have been living like student flatmates for far too long-and the reality 9 although many couples do it) just is nto good for them ( the children0..

My ears are starting to feel like they are fool of cotton wool again!! 2 people at my work have reported the same sinus/ear touble, so just wondering if its a combination thats made me hug lamposts for the last month or so. I dont know. I actually do not think my partner (ex) a dummie...itd be so much eeasier if he were!

I guess, when I meet a happy couple, ( or who seem that way0 or a couple that speak to each other in an affection manner, I think, god id like that!!! To be honest though, I am exhausted and right now want to go get that ear stuff from the chemist.

Ill sort the bank thing out. I have too(probably and hopefully I can freeze it until further notice) Its another debacle that the solicitor might have to address for me. (hes still be charming to me) and it makes me want to culr up and die..it makes me feel more guilty for ripping the family apart. I know how much my children adore him!

Actually here in Canada I know TONNES of people with the same inner ear issue!! It came usually after they had a cold or a sinus thing - that could explain your SNAKE too!!! Remember when I said you might have Vertigo? That is fluid behind the ear drum - so that would explain a LOT of things wouldn't it? So ask the doctor to check your ears, a few things you can do for it is this - put a hairdryer on warm and low and blow inside the ear drum. 2. Put a hot water bottle on it - with towel inbetween of course 3. Gently tray an blow your nose while holding it 4. warm up some garlic oil and put a couple of drops into your ear and then put cotton wool into it too. To keep it warm and not air/germs getting in.

I LOVE Lord of the Rings!!! I have a 6ft cut out of Strider/Aarogon downstairs!!! HONEST TO GOD!!! I kiss him everytime I'm doing the laundry!!! I LOVE doing the laundry!!!!! ;-) XD o.O Hey you've got lamposts I've got Veggo Mortsen!!!! LOVE HIM!!!

I know you still feel guilty, the thing is Katy is this - he IS moving this along, behind your back - and this doesn't stop your relationship with him or the kids. It's just what you need right now. He will still be in their lives and yours - how much you want it to be of course! So don't think this is the end of it all because it's not. It's just the end of your feeling this way, you can't heal and get over the things while he is around you right?

Bambi XD XD XD XD XD You love doing the laundry???? I like it when its warm and you can hang the clothes outside, you dont have to iron and they smell mmuch fresher, but during the winter...dont go there!!!!

Ive been up and about, helped kide get ready for their final day at school, ( reminds me Ive to get beccas teacher a card and flowers) and anyway, then ex stated hed take the girls up the road.....Im feeling quite dopey or something-dont know...its shifting now, ...but was lying down thinking about all the bad things I have done,,the struggles I have to even clean this place at times, and the disorganised mess it is...Im thinking squnt, .anxiety.adhd.-bipolar.schizoid effective diorder :-S 8-| Then, thikning.....Nope!!!!!Youve been tested for dyslexia...erm 27 years ago :$ :$ :$ :$ and you passed , so its not that!But I was thiking, the other day at work, one of the girls -did this 8-| 8-| 8-| when i couldnt find something in the stock room, see I dont have or use my left eye much ( even though it can look fine) so other people dont get it.I miss things in strange ways, as its so difficult to explain how I see things, but then I get really frustrated and when someone does that. 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| thing, I want to :-P and swear, but instead,,,,she keeps doing it and I still carrying talking to her as if shes a friend. I dont think she even means it in a nsty way, I thikn its more like o.O o.O o.O o.O o.O (Duh!) How can you miss that????????So, how come shes got a degree(Duh!) and children and then I go back to , perhaps I do have a learning challenge??? Well, iI have anyway , regardless, life without him, life with my children, life without uncontrollable drinking and being able to relax, and looking forward to a brighter future. But then , Insecure, where has my confidence, pull yourself together for you lovely children...what are you doingperson speaks to me???Then tummy starts with the nerves, then self torture for being such a crazy selfish middle aged cow!!!!Argh!!!

Erm A 6ft cut out of Strider...Im going to check it out---though too tall for me 8-| XD XD XD XD Hmmm, Id better go..at least i can start living like you say I can....He talks to me like everything is noraml, and it eats me up, but thats his gift so hush be polite ( me) dont cry, dont worry , dont care what hes up to , if he has another woman, which i wouldnt be surprise at-i thiknunless the man is with the right one, woman are doomed, or is that just due to experiences that ive had??? Id better go....definately can feel fluid between ears and cannot shift it...maybe if I put the hairdryer on my ears my brain cell might fall out the other ear...then I want have to :-|

Argh!!! Solicitor just called, appointment cancelled-actualy the way i feel -acht well, whats the rush!!! Ive made the decision!

Oh God-i dont want to go back here! Bambi- Im in that place that I hate-you know when the day seems so long, and yes, i took my medication last night before going to bed, and I know I should take it in the morning, but I can just cope better with it by taking it at night. Now that my solicitor has cancelled, Im thinking and wondering what it would be like to be a successful solicitor and what kind of things they get up to, and thinkinggod, what have I done? and feel really down, maybe its because I went out gotcard, flowers jellie babaies for teacher nad couldnt see Becca as his dad wanted to collect them. i dont mind really , could do withthe break -as long as the girls are fine with it-thats ok.

Id quite like to take them a way on a break , just the three of us, to see if its be good. Im sure we would have fun, but ultimately there will be there doom of (I misss daddy) I cant handle that feeling right now!

I should really shift my bottom and get it to the benefits office1

Thats another thing he took my housing appplicatin form ( thinking it was his) Filled it out and lost it!

had to go get my childs bike, and thinking....your right, hes slowling this down so he gets it his way and so I thik its not going to happen so no money wrries and then I wl be totally disorganised .Help! The thing is , I cant apply for most benefits until hes gone and I have some form of proof to say hes gone. Right thats it-ill try the hairdryer........ill catch the one and only brain cell and put it back in....by the wasy, I do get why you like doing your laundry !!!!! XD XD XD XD

Actually I was just putting a lot of your symptoms together here, you have a bad eye and an inner ear problem that could really explain why you are so "wobbily" have that checked out! I'm going to do laundry!!!! ;-) XD

Oh well, I hope you dont do toomuch laundry-youll get a sore mouth!!!!

Really gutted and angry-yes Im really angry and going to put cotton wool in my ears and then shout!!!!!! i had a dentist appointment, so that I could at least try a bit of this :-D ...and he took the kids out I didnt have a clue where they were and he has just got back. Its put me in a foul mood , like no on would kknow!!!!! >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) >;) Then my sister rang me completely out of the planet , completely pissed 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8-| 8) XD XD As it was her last day of term...and she was FREE!!! I am jealous!!!!!!

Anyway, no end to it...and really just full of complete anger.....hmmmm, migh tdo some more washing. huh!! found a new find , that bold lavender gel, smeells a treat, even though its been lovely here today-couldnt be bthered sun bathing Just how lazy ami ?0 ? o.O XD The doctors allready checked my ears out-NOTHING!!!, and my eyes have been like this since day dot 8-| 8-|

hey bambi-have you finished the laundry yet? XD Okay, this is whats annoying-hes driving me mental-i feel like I cant cope as a mum , as when he does bring them back i so filled with anger-not aimed at my children, but with him. Does that make any sense?Then I cant cope with the children ( which is totally unfair-then tonight had this thought, maybe I just had children too young and I should just leave the family home for hi to get on with it. its not the first time Ive thought this-and it isnt the second either, but then I get annoyed as I miss them so so so much! I also know that respect lies with me...(ie) if I ask them to do something, they tend to Okay it takes a few tellings, but eventually we get there.Then when I think of life on my own, I think of only one thought and you dont want to know what that is.

Then I think, well maybe he thinks the same 8-| But then I think, he never deserved it,, then I think no, thats my depressive attitude talking....When I was at the dentist I couldnt help but think how painful it would be if I have to get my deformed toe chopped, but I think I might. its been s sore lately ( again0 all the paddings has made my cross over toes worse, and totally painful!!!

I wish I was my sister, alone and free, and successful!

NO you dont! think of the word you said describing your sister ! ALONE!!! You have 2 gorgeous girls who LOVE you!!! So don't ever be envious of someone without kids OK?!!!!!!

Now about your toe, you can get that operated on - it is AMAZIING how you and I are alike - I have wonky toes I had to have them operated on and they are fine now!!! So don't get it cut off, you wont be able to wear sandals!!!! ;-) XD

I know you're angry hon, and I know it can be overwhelming and take over every aspect of your life! Been there done that, still now again raises it's :-S head!!! Just take it for what it is OK? He's trying to show the world that he is a good dad! And like I said before, who knows if he is true or not! Maybe he realizes just how much he could loose with continuing to be a jerk! Or is it that he doesn't want the girls to hate him? Or is it his lawyer telling him to do so. Either way THAT doesn't matter, just take it for what it is!!! The more you react to it and let it get to you, the more problems it could create. Men and women are as different as chalk and cheese. It takes a GREAT man to apologize and most men don't! Like I've said before I WATCH people, I always have. IF you see a woman and man trip this is how the woman acts, she looks back irritated and upset!! A man will trip and keep on running - showing no embarrassment and keeps on running - taking a little jog after as though he MEANT to do it!!! XD It's hilarious!! If a man didn't have a penis and a woman a vajayjay! I don't see ANY reason why we should be together!!!!! XD 8-| ;-) :-D I have several friends who are lesbians, and I TOTALLY get that! As does every woman I know!! They don't get us and our emotional rollercoasters, and we don't get them and their inability to respond!!

Just take of what you NEED to take care of hon, get out and about get a tan. Smell that lavendar, go out with friends while he's out with the kids. Go out yourself with them, start living life as a single person with a roommate. And when the lawyer is back get that rolling. Get more forms so he can't loose them or "forget" Just act and pretend as much as you can, and I promise I promise I promise you will start believing how you are!! You know if you tell a lie long enough, you can't remember what the truth is? Well this is the same. It's hard to put on a mask of happiness, but eventually the mask WILL absorb into you. Over here, they even have laughing therapy and smiling therapy. If you smile or laugh it IMMEDIATELY releases seratonin, even if your faking it. Try it! I'm off to do 1 pair of socks for laundry!!!! ;-) XD XD