I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Sorry, but (doh!) Iam stupid! He has been asking the girls"what kind of nonsense has mummy been feeding your heads?"

My eldest just stated"No mummy, he wants you to leave, alone"

She said"thats not going to hppen?"

Ive said "Of course-not". No matter what Ill never leave them!

Then she states:"Mummy , he will try to win you back!"

This is coming from a 9 year old. Thats bad duty and YES, APPLICATION has gone delivered. I had to get it weighed(for postage purposes!

I even find it so hurtful, that my children are hurting-ITS NOT FAIR!

Anyway, we will see what happens from here, i mscared, but glad I am (I think I am -doing the right thing) Im so scared. he did have me in a forget and forgive place today. he kaept asking if I was okay. It was really strange! (Dawn, dont let me fall for it-because in a few weeks time, I could be back in e and a with unexplained injuries, please dont let me forget!) its all to easy , when people are so clever minded! Dont let me forget, I cant forget, I want forget, its not convienet! There , reminded myself-sorry to bleat on , like a total blck sheep but argh!! Whats going on with me?

Ive also put bags of weight on-dont know where its come form and look really old in the mirror!

Anyway, times pass, hope your well and Ill look forward to hearing from you.

PS-I read some of that essay and in someways yes, its true!

Read back several posts where I stated that you WILL fall for it again! IF he knows that the letter is gone, and that you ARE back in control he will move up his actions - including being nicey nicey! He's been seeing other women! I think he is planning all this Katy! Remember what I told you at the beginning? He can't be a prick 24/7 it will get to him too! He's uping his game Katy, that's all, I'm just worried about his reaction when he knows it's not working! PROMISE me to keeep on the down low, and calm and IF he looses it WHATSOVER you phone those police as fast as possible! Don't take 1 more thing OK? The kids are starting to be used by him! So it's up to you to stop it! Just act calm cool, and keep them out of it! I know your house is upside down right now, but it is like your life right now right? It's a bit upside down and topsy turvey and they are digging things out and ripping things out, so things can be nice and bright and fresh start! Same thing with your life! This will be a little painful for a bit and a bit scary but there will be a new start in a new place and the kids don't have to be used anymore! And you will be in control and un afraid of the shadows and the steps on the stairs! Like I have said honey, I STILL fall to the ground when I hear screaming or shouting! And I just WORRY so much about your girls growing up with that! And becoming another child with "Learned Helplessness Syndrome!" It's funny you know, when I hear of someone or see someone abused I could actually blow a casket!! I have NO problem in ripping someone apart regarding their treatment of others, but when it comes to myself and especially if they are calous and abusive I'm a little girl sitting on top of the stairs covering my sisters ears!!! Weird heh?

Anyway, take the good when it happens, but just don't fall! Like I said before Katy - I will say it again - Even if you still love him and want him in your life, doesn't mean its a dead done deal when you move out, it just means it's on your terms and IF you want him at all! You can't make that decision when they are right next to you, it is too overwhelming! You guys need this, even though I can't stand this guy - obviously - there has to be something human about him for you to have fallen in love with him and had 2 children with him! So he can't be ALL bad ALL the time! That said - the 10% he is a normal decent human being, does NOT take away from all the Physical, Mental, Emotional Abuse he has given you throughout the years! INCLUDING raping you! Not only physically but mentally! He has taken your essensce away! He has made you doubt being who you are supposed to be! He has made you - already hurt - into a more hurt human being! He knows what buttons to push to send you over the edge, and does - who the hell does that!? Jealous, mean and lonely people that's who!

So be careful OK?

Wah!!!!!!!!!!This is a nightmare. Theres nowhere to sit, t/gas fire has been ripped put, and now have bricks and a gapping whole in my living room, which is the only room in use. but the guys seem to be doing an okay job.

Im full of wind from not being able to go to the lou

We all have to sit in the living room , adn its a nightmare. Hes driving me mad! Ive been in tears so many times and stomach is well sore!

Cats terrified and hid! Anyway, hope to speak sooon, Katy

Is it possible I could be PmT? I feeel like I am , everything positive is turning in to a negative-EVERYTHING! Also sinuses and rash has got worse. I thought it was getting better, but nope -it back!

I think Ii am panicin and just dont know whats up with me-havent a clue what is the mastter with me?

At work today I had o stop my self from buying more clothes-I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE CLOTHING!!!!!!

tHERES a big hole thats been cut out our kitchen wall!!!.....Then I lost it because they awill be painting the kitchen magnolia....Everyones kitchen will be pINTED MAGNOLIA...Cant they just paint it white. I detest magnolia...went mental about that. Cant I just buy them a tin of white paine instead!! Then he starts, "Magnolias good, and just so fed up-what a spoilt cow -eh? I mean its not like we pay a penny , not one cent for it. How ungrateful can oneperson be,.......? Thats not me!!!!!!

You remember when I said you might have an allergy to something int he house? I know a LOT of what you are experiencing is anixety and panic, BUT if you are allergic to something in the house and they are ripping it out, then you will have the same symptoms even more so! Constipation, rash, stuffy nose, irritability, PMS symptoms etc.!

Just know that this will be over soon, just take it easy for awhile OK! Can you go to your moms - o.O 8-| - or somewhere else?!

I wouldn't want Magnolia either - but it is supposed to be a relaxing color !!! ;-) XD And anyway hopefully you wont have to look at it too much longer! Who knows your new kitchen could be a lovely lime green color with Red Dots!!!! XD XD XD XD o.O

Try and go out as much as possible and get some fresh air - just incase its the house making you sick!

And you DO NOT need anymore clothes - that's just a control thing! Things are out of control right now, so you need to buy something that makes you feel back in control!

My stomach is like a melon now, Im really irritable and cant get enough space. My ktchen reminds me of my bedsit, smelly and only bits of kitchen in it and the smell...what is that smell????

Anyway, we all had to have takeaway ( that was fun) and looked up new kitchen to prove I have taste and then ate dinner, Cat has gone mad. but theres too much chaos . i want to sleep!

Actually, on closer inspection-OUR NEW BOILER SYSTEM IS AMAZING o.O WE HAVE NO WATER TANK, YET HOT WATER ALL THE TIME. THATS FAB!! Im just in an anxious state, worrying that Ill regret my decision on the kitchen I chose-but hey thats only becayse my taste was stiffled by you know who-so Im starting to look forward!

Moreso, if the kids can adapt to all this-they can adapt to whatever happens later-so thats good news!

My sinusue are bad, and ican feel me growling-Im just on tender hooks at the moment!

YOu know that saying "a tidy house, helps bring about a tidy mind: Hmm well if you were to seee this place, youd fully understand my mind,

Ive put on the beef while this has gone on -I didnt want to eat, but just felt really agitated, ate some and then lay down for a bit-I could feel the blood boil inside me!

Anyway, thank you -Dawn for listening-I know others , that simply could not be botherd,I think you are a marvel for putting up with me and sending you huge hugs from me. ill get through-even if it kills me!

Take care of you!

"what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger" I made that up do you like it? ;-) XD

My cousin in Wales has that same system of constant water, I don't understand how it works actually! But it's far better than waiting for hours to take a bath! Like we had to when we went to England 5 years ago!!

We are in the same boat right now, we are thinking of selling our house and moving into a rental, because we are SO in debt! This way we will be debt free, It's hard though! My youngest, Connor, is really upset about this, as am I! But we have to do what's best right?!

So just know that all fo this Chaos will soon be over! In ALL ways! And I LOVE talking to you, even though you drive me NUTS not listening to me! But heh! That's what sisters from other misters are about aren't they?!!!! ;-)

Hi Dawn-well I am really tired!!!! Its amazing what those men have done today! The kitchem is nearly in, but weve no sink (yet!) but it looks amazing!!! We also got new toilets with the economical flushes that you push down (there fabby)

My home is almost starting to lokk how I wanted it to-but like you say, its not reprieve from the rest.

The benefits agnecy have contacted me, and Ive and interview about this tomorrow :$

Im totally constipated and its making me really moodie. ( Ishould be happy)I am happy-with the way the flat is starting to look. Problem though, Ive his siter coming over, and its as if I dont exist!

If people knew how well we are being looked after, no one would buy!

Its just that I have this thinking ( if only he cuold tret me differently , I dbe different!) Anyway, enough about me!

Sorry to hear about your debt problems, Ive now accummulated som emyself. I guess, you are right ..In the end we do whats right-thats all we can do.

Anyway, Im going for a little nap, as I got very little sleep last ight and feeling a bit sick.

Hope your ok, take care!

Hi Dawn- how are you today???

ok, went to the doctors- told him some stuff. Got flixonase for sinuses. Ive used it, but so far no different.

Get this-you must be working on me, as I felt the anger in me boil over this morning. I got a grilling interview ( though the chap was nice to me by the end of it-and yes , I cried during it too)

I was a tad nervous this morning, and grabbed appointment letter, and asked him when he was leaving. Do you know what he said???I bet you do? "He said"You have created this situation - Its you that wants it" OmG, this morning was not the morning to pull my hair. I was angry to as i felt I had been walked over by his sister and father, who took in therer stride to turn up at my childrens bedtime and talk nonsense for 2 hours. My children wouldnt go to bed- Im exhausted today.

Asides from al that , its funny how I work, yes I explained some things to my Doctor about why this started and why its gone a bit pear shaped etc etc......anyway now, dont tlaugh but he said, YOu rnot perfect blah blah blah" Im looking thinking -what does he mean im not perfect, I am so, perfect is imperfect and imperfect is perfect 8-| Okay :-D but b****r -yeah , on no, Im an alcoholic)God thats bad!!!!!)

Okay, after all that , mums coming over now, to inspect the kitchen -no doubt shell get all pickie.

!hour and 20 mins grilling in benefitts agency. i just told the guy quite a bit, at thae start , honestly he was so well put up this front as though...I am cement-then by the end of it-I am all right reallly, soorrry got to go -mums herer take care

Ok, "what doesnt kill me will make me stronger!!!!".Yeah!!!!!!

Mums been over, kitchen is nearly finished and it looks (sorry for this , but it looks!)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweesssssoooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmE! o.O o.O o.O o.O Right, Im fighting for this place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Ive sneezed quite a bit out my nose and feel a wee bit relieved already, but feel cold, and sore. Also a rash has come up on my chest-it wasnt there earlier, maybe just nerves.

Whacked foot off box, and screamed the workmen out :$ (Didnt really) ...scream the workmen out.

Anyway..I feel a bit flat today-feel like theres no point anyway.

So what did the benefits guy have to say? Have your heard from housing?
And by the way I am VERY proud of you for making that appointment!!! I was hoping you would!!!

Having my own anxiety issues right now, my oldest and dearest friend is getting married tommorrow, so we went today to get manicures and pedicures! I have been a mess about this ALL week! I have this terrible scar on my forehead, and where the surgeon made the incision it has stopped my hair from growing there so I have a part = where I wanted bangs, so you can see the scar a mile away! And my girlfriend has the sexiest sister alive!!!! She's a millionaire and THANK GOD paid for ALL our Mans and Peds!!! Now I have to get an outfit, I have barely ate all week, the problem is this! My girlfreind and her family are scrapbookers, they take pictures of EVERYTHING!!! and post it on Facebook!!!!! So I've been photographed ALL day and will be again tommorrow! My girl knows that I have a REAL problem with how I look right now! so I'm really nervous about tommorrow! It's AWFUL!!! But I HAVE to do this for my girl!! She's been my rock and my closest confidant throughout my life! And without her I would have crawled away into a hole a LONG time ago!

So that is why I am VERY proud of you today, because I KNOW it is hard for you! BUT you ARE doing it honey! So keep on OK!

Hi , thats something!!! Atrue friend will want you to be happy for her and want your acceptance on what shes doing.Thats more important than any money in the world or getting photos done and showing them off on facebook. I kinda resent facebbok for that..Its like a sow off tool ( sometimes o.O LOOK HOW SUCCESSFUL OR HOW WELL I HAVE DONE). Im honest on facebook, friends are good for both good and the bad, so when the fan hits the fryer, a true friend will hold you up and hang on . So Dawn, your scar may look bad to you- its your scar , your pain, your anxiety. ( and no one can say, "its nothing, its something to you, an issue a fear that flks will notice, and plus the issue of why you have it -but I bet you anything in this world and I know this want help, but I bet you that your scar is not as bad as YOU think it is, but its your scar, its bad to you. You know when you buy a new pair of shoes , and you fall and scrape them or you trip, or youve a new handbag and something falls off it. All you do is focus on the fault, and forget about how good it is.Others dont notice the disaster thats happened before you, but you do , cause you worked for it, you saved up , it was your pride and joy-then something happened to damage it. Others dont notice, as they are usually looking at their own damage. So I hope this makes you feel better-DONT FOCUS ON YOUR SCAR. They fade , or become a part of our character overtime, Learn to love it-its your and no one else will have one like it. hey , I have a massive scar, down the side of my face-hah-I idnt know you had to get seuchars right away if you ripped open(oh well another learning curve) Okay, I hope I havent said anything out here to offend you.

Im loaded with something yuck!!!.. Maybe caught it at the doctors -I dont know, but just a cold, but stomach has gone lopey and fell through 3 pairs of pyjammas last night-not pretty! thank god the workies arent around today to see me-what a state!!!

Ive never had a pedicure or a manicure in my life. in fact i cant standnail varnish-its makes me feel dirty-i just like to sniff it!!!!My toe on my foot is really throbbing too, but nail polish , gives me the neebe jeebees, like egss do too. Richards dad didnt know I was sacred of eggs, theres something about themm, I dont know what isit is, but I hate looking at them I hate the smell of them and they make me boke. Youd think at my age I would have got over this by now. Ive always been like this, I dont know anyone else who freaks in the face of an egg-but yes-I doI freak..My mum used to try and feed me them -and et over my woooos, that just nmade me worse. A bit like kidney as well-cant eat that(shiver, boke!!!) When i was youner I used to fear crabs -big toime-you couldnt get me on a beach, and flying was a massive thing-huh- how did I get on that subject?

The guy in the bnefits place, has said that Ill probably NOT be entitled to income support-that if I could up my hours to 16 hours a week, then I may be entitled to working family tax credits, and that I should ring ctcs ( sorry child tax credits) in the meantime, to keep me covered. He seemed to understand, but its the -Ihes acting like nothing is happening problem -is a problem!!! Theyve said theyll review the situation in a month. Im worried about it!!!

My sister has totally 8-| fo rher new boyfriend-but im happy for her-she deserves something good to happen, ( though it makes me scared) Ill be on my own orever now.

I dont know if flixonase is making me feel this way. its a bit coincidental but as soon as I took it, this cold started-but sneezed loads out and its a bitof a relief.

Thats another thing, ex goes out his way to cook eggs and makes me clean them , their dishes etc.
On that point though , the workmen made a marvelous job on my kitche. I think I have good taste-quite proud that it turned out as good as it did. I know it sounds stupid, but i dont feel that this was support"YOu chose it, so you BETTER like it"What does that make me say to him in my head of course. I dont wna tthe children screaming it around the streets "it rhymns with Duck Op. Thanks but I shal comend myself for having such good taste, ( shame its not in the man department XD )

Anyway, DONT WORRY ABOUT YOUR SCAR, its making you feel self conscious, but others want notice, theyve their own rips, bangs and bumps to hide-SO DONT woryy-and plus I know its like ( thats okay for youto say so -you dont have it!) But Honestly.Ive dyed my hair bright orange and been really self conscious about it, Ive lost my 2 front teeth and had to give a presentation on Politics( with a lisp o.O ) peolpe either go OmG- tooth thing, or wtf is that on my arm..or so an so has put on a bit of beef, but whats that curve hanging over my bellie ? o.O Its as its yours, just like as this situation is mine.

Okay, dawn I hope I dont sound patrionising here, I know youll know all this anyway-who doesnt? but Ijust wanted to make yo u feel a bit better a bout it and so you ccan look forward to your frineds wedding, and stand proud. ENJOYIT!!!

Anyway, hope to hear form you soon, kiddie shave a centenary party with the brownies, so got to dash/ take carem, and have a great day with your friend!

Hmmm-Im loaded with something.I feel awful, ended up having 2 bottles of lucozade to keep me going.

Ok, its a kitchen-thats all it is and if I get offered another place=ill take it!

Its making him more comfortable- and he said yesterday"Its all my own making", " I caused this, I am the creator of this sitution" See, this is when I think eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk, its him that really needs the hhelp he cant see it fo r his nose or something-he thinks this normal-then I feel sorry for him.

Hi hn, been up all night-not feeelingwell! hes not come home - I just dont know where I stand here!!!Its late , nearly 3am, I have earache. Its not that I am waitining up for him-or am !? I am confused? I want to go to bed and sleep, but too scared!!!!!!!!!