I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

It's because he gives you mixed messages! He doesn't care what you think, and he definitely doesn't care that it was HE who started this all going! He doesn't do self analysis!

Just got home from the wedding, it was LOVELY! I just kept smiling and when I saw my girl up there and she was crying and then we were hugging after everything didn't matter anymore. So we had TONNES of pictures taken together, and I even had one with my husband and kids! It has been YEARS I really mean that YEARS since we had a family picture together, I'm thinking 12 years!!!!!!!!! It was always me who was taking the pictures!!! So I'm pretty proud of myself right now!!! I'm glad I pulled it together! It's always better than what you dread isn't it!!! ?

Anyway, don't worry about him, just take control of you and the girls, he can go you know where! Did you mention to the doctor about allergies?

Hi Dawn- that brill news about the wedding, ( wish I had seen it) and Photographs as well!

Ive a photo of me in the kitchen ( he took it) and I look disgusting!!! hate it.

Anyway, I eventually slept -he woke me up when he came home. It was about 7am this morningand I know that that was not work related. But do you know something-I dont feel gutted or anything. I dont feel!

Hes now apparently gone to work. i dont believe it-you know when I first starting seeing him-I dont know why I didnt see it(how blind was I)..Ok, Im not that pretty, Ive a pear shape figure, and I cant truly write, ad a huge nose that could ( oh, I cant even be bothered-that will never change!)

Ive his bloody rude father coming round today....and I get well hes old and got to see his grand kids(fair enough), dont mind me syndrome.

I didnt ask the doctor about allergies. Id been in his office lone enough, I mean Im sitting there crying about the bad taste I have in men, and there could be someone in the waiting room dying, Id di tell him about my sinuses and got given flixonase. I dont know if it gave me a cold, or if its just a cold ive had-dont know but one side of my nose is unblocked and ears have been popping mad, and have found a way to sneeze powerfully. In fact any more power and i perhaps could shoot him out the flat Hah

o.O

Theres something else on mymind-but i cant write it here, as others may read and see, so I cant..God thats like the old.."whats wrong with you thing" and the person truns round and responds with "nothing" argh-didnt mean it like that at all.

Anyway, got to go rn the children a bath.

Take care of you.

Hi dawn. Something is going on.

Hes not at work-also slammed front door on leaving and chipped the new kitchen

Oh dearStill going hot then cold, but feeling a bit better-do you think hes moving ou? Or do you think hes been arrested for something?Or has he gone to work and is just not answering the phones?

Ive a meeting a t work tonight, which is good , it gets me out the houes.

Then Omg, maybe its his dad-whatever is goig on, someting is going down

Hmmm, girls have had their baths. my 9 year old -well she eats like a horse, and Ive noticed that she seems to be putting weight on quickly-I worry as I dont want herto end up 18 stone but then again shes thin. The other one is small and skinny with long blonde hair and the cheekiest osf smiles.

Alex spoke to me for a good while last night.she said this"Mummy, I know hes hurt you, I know he has" o.O and then she said"You have to make you happy mum-yes, I love daddy, but I love you too"...Honestly alex is nearly my height, she too is choked with the cold, and shes so pretty. She also has got her first boyfriend( They starrt young o.O )he seems really nice, and he tells her she looks pretty and they play football together...so they are really just chums, but I love it, and I love how she seems to have a lot of self respect ( without much effort) I also love how she talks to me about things -doesnt go in a huff, but kust comes out with them. Shes just a brilliant kid( with brains too!). Anyway, Im a bit dissapointed that she knows more than I thought she did, but I guess they always do. Its funny, as my younger one, well its like shecant do the simple things like do her buckles or buttons, or wipe her rear end, but yet its almost las if she is reading business pages behind your back. Shell suddenly say something really complex. I think shes a bit like me that way, ( al ot prettier though ad cuter) but her mind runs before it can walk .

I suppose I should go get close on.

No I am not sitting here naked ( thats weird) No Im still in my pyjammas

Im worried now-whats going on?

Ok-still not got dressed. he came home-with nothing but I was at work etc etc etc. But it doesnt make sense as the festival finished and he stated before that his shifts were going to get easier not harder. Anyway, I thought i was feeling better but so hot now , and throat sore. GGGgrrrrrrrrr!Also just got really utight at him/ Told him to grow up(God did I say that) ranted off about all the debt thats accumulated since the day he stated hed leave. The debt the inland revenue people the housing situation, me in a blind panic.hes stating that I created all the debt(propbably did not help so he is not taking responsibility for the left over overdraft from our joint account. Ill need to phone them now(again) Thats just going to end up getting both him and I black listed. So Ive got that to sort-then phone child tax credits , and the rest. This is just getting worse. really I need to MOVE!!!!!

I cant believe Ive had bruises etc, he has done everythingyet thinks itsnormal and carries on a snormal, and doesnt think - not for a minute about any of it. Im in tears half the timeor more 75% of the time, Perhaps if he had cared from the beginnning that would have helped me and then maybe the couples counselling would have worked-but now- to me it all seems so unreasonable! The guy from the benefits agency asked why I couldnt get an interdict on him."I dont have enough evidence!"Itsd not as easy as that either.....I cant tell folks whats been going on, then to prove it 8-| I told my solicitor as well what had happened ( well 1 little incident) i dont think he was a great man really, in fact, gone off solicitors completely...all he ever seemd to say was"hes got rights" Uh huh, AND SO HAVE IBloody MOVE. thats all people say....really annoys me too, as I got this place in the first instance, he didnt even want tomove out that smelly rentaed flat that I kept getting sick in

Anyway, it just angers me and Ive got to find an ok place to live as if its horrible ill be even more angry towards him ( I know that sounds really materialistic) When I decided not to be materialistic, I ended up in a bedsit and so on. Got to go

My throats gone all itchy( i need a scratching post!)..Ok, i asked him "when ya gona go?" he asks"When you gonna get help for all your medical conditions?". Ok, so get help, and so on....JUST DO IT FOR THE GIRLS...I now have Michael Jackson spinning in my head.....right k, really not feeling well, and his coment winds me up-but thats what hes good at. On the same note, at least I know he cant touch me just now-so i dont know, I think I fear him alone at night, not anymore, so perhaps just have a no shouting policy

Ive put on tons of weight-some of my clothes arent fitting me anymore-whats happened ?

Oh i dont know-Im really nervous about going out today. Ive got to go to work.

Anyway, that wedding sounded fun! Gosh, the weddings Ive been at, wll you normally find me hiding under a table by the end of them! I remeber my dads wedding-it was so funny. they both got so nervous they forgot the rings-or someone forgot the rings. then as it was my 18th the following day-my sister and I sat in the lous drinking their champagne.. It was a lovely wedding though. They didnt get married in a church either but a glass house In Galsgow.

Nothings making any sense. Im on my own now, and just worry worry worry-cant even get it together to unpack boxes in the kitchen. Im looking at my little ziggy ( a toy i had as a child) Ive never thought about it before-but how subliminal is this He wears a top which says:"Prisoner Of love".

Anyway, youll probably be exhausted after that big event yesterday, so take it easy and take care.

Hi dawn-Im feeling really sick today-cant breathe!!!

Im worried about tomorow - what if I cant talk about what Iam supposed to?.

You can feel al the lumpy bits under my eyes!

Becca was sent home from school -ill!

Kitchen tiler has just left and painters have ran way as they ripped the vinyl flooring ( which now has to be replaced!) Honeslty, its not that bad, but erm,,,ex is being all nice and acting if nothing will ever happen

This is a right burpy cold...........and dont mention the happenings at the other end.

so you and Becca are still sick? Go to the doctors Katy - with Becca! You both have something going on! Could be the flu or a bad infection!

What's going on tommorrow? WRITE IT ALL DOWN Katy!!! EVERYTHING!! Don't leave anything out, and if you can't say it, hand him/her the paper! If you don't you wont be able to go back and redo it!

Of course he's acting nice, he was just all night doing God knows what with whom! He's living the high life right now honey! He's screwing around, whil you make his dinneres and clean his dishes and wash his clothes! Like I said honey, keep this up and there will be SO many men lined up to take his place!!! Who wouldn't sign up for that? Home cooked meals, children taken care of, being allowed to bring over friends and family and still have them being welcomed, and then you can talk to that person like a dog! And still get a bit on the side!!!

I really don't get you suffering physically so much and don't say things to the doctor!!! This isn't about anything mental Katy! This is a bloody infection for crying out loud! If it was mental, why would Becca have similar problems?!!! COME ON!!! Get you both checked out!

Also DO NOT "forget" anything tommorrow - like I said write EVERYTHING down, and hand it over! Also IF you ever do get yourself and your daughter to the doctors, tell him that it has been mentioned to you that you have allergies and see what he says! Stop acting like you are wasting his time, and he thinks it's all in your head! This isn't all in your head, your bloody sick! If I hadn't gone to the doctors, the cancer would have grown into my skull Katy!!!!!! o.O So ENOUGH of not getting treated!

Hi dawn-how are you?

Ok, so I saw the Dr today - must admit i got a bit nervous in the waiting room ( esepcially after watching another woman-who didnt seem herself, whatsoever!).

Oh , I had a huge panic attack-could not find my citalopram tabs and thought the workies had done a runner with them and were going to sell them in the nightclubs as Es XD but Phew!!!! Found them!

Im not feeling well though, its like a cold thats trapped inside me, as though my nose should be running all the time-but nothing is coming out!

Ive got my Baclofen tabs now, but Im too scared to take them tonight-Ive been told to take just half a pill tonight with no booze. Bit worried about it-working tomorrow and worried it will make me exhausted or if I have an attack!

Ive got the drinks nurse again on Friday-honestly , I need a bus pass!

Flats still in the middle of getting reformed- hes stilll acting as if nothing is ever gong to change, The whole thing makes my system want to shut down from people. Im not sure anyone understadands-I know YOU do, but I worry as when I open my mouth and blurt it all out-it soesnt sound real. In fact thats what i did today, I just blurted it out, didnt even cry-The dr looked like this o.O but Im sure he was thinking this :-S :-S :-S :-S :-S 8-| about me( I dont know!)I can honestly its the first time Ive blurted my stuff out and not broke down-I think I git an odd false sense of security talking to him-dont know-but then thinking he thinks Im mad!

The questions he asked were all alcohol related-of course I wanted to query If Id be more prone to get MS on this stuff, He ruled that one out fairly quickly!

I dont know what to do about my situation-mum seems to think we could trun things around and make it work. The problem being is he can still make me laugh despite everything-but I cant forget-let alone forgive-does that make sense? then another part of me thinks awe the children- I cant break their hearts!

Im still taking that Flixonase stuff for my sinuses and today I heard something crack, so maybe its starting to work, but I feel like I am swallowing my phlegm back the way , down my throat and its a yuck taste in the mouth-so then I blow my nose and clear stuff , sometimes bloody stuff comes out -its gross, but when a good one comes out Im ljumping up and down and want to show people the evidence(gross-eh?!)

i feel though, that my drink problem didnt seem that big to that Psychiatrist which gave me a sense of hope.
We sahll see how it goes. friday night will be a biggie to get through!

Anyway, Feeling a bit hopeful and a bit determined now.

Hope you aer well! take care.

Did you bring up questions about being allergic? And what kind of things did you tell him?

I completely forgot to mention aleergies and things.

Scared of taking th is med!

Ok, took it. sweating and feeling woozey- is thi sgoig to work? Also , everthing looks bright, brightly coloured and its hurting my eyes

Im not sure about this baclofe. So far face has gone pale, throat incredibly itchy, lips tingly, and slept for 2 hours. Tried going out but felt wobbily-came home slept , and woke myself twitching my left leg - so not sur about this one!

Ex has gone out, Probably with his new @@@@@@#. Im supposed to take another half tab tonight-but when I snapped the tablet in half, -it wasnt quiye half, and the other part is a bigger dosage.

Its not taking the edge of my craving away yet, maybe thats still to come, Im sitting here thinking -I want wine-but as I am in my pyjammas, and so are the girls you will be pleased to note that I am starting the total abstinence.

Dawn , he still states"its me with the mental health issues and it is me that needs to do the growing up" Im fed up!

You know when you go to the dentist and they say "don't move your tongue!" or an xray and they say "don't move!"? And all you want to do is move your tongue and start moving all over the place? Well its the same with you and these pills! You will NOT be having this reaction from the pills, just from your anxiety about it! And it will take a bit to start working! BUT I am VERY proud of you for doing this, you are showing your girls and him and your family just how strong you really are! So good on ya kid!!!

Just be prepared for him to try and sabotage you with this OK? \Just like if you are on a diet and he would bring in a chocolate bar! The same thing WILL happen with the drinking, as it goes against his case of "She's an alcoholic, and crazy etc" You DONT need a drink Katy! You just want one because they have told you not to! It's an animal instinct thing! Totally normal!

Why would you forget to talk about the possibility of allergies? You must not believe that they are related? Do you think ALL of what you are physically suffering with IS ANXIETY?!!!! It isn't! I have had MAJOR anxiety for years Katy! I KNOW what anxiety can do, and giving you mucus from your nose, eyes and ears is NOT one of the symptoms!

The wobbily bits and twitching IS a symptom, but not actual mucus! So anyway, I can't keep taking up time trying to get you to ask for help with this! It's FRUSTRATING as hell!!!! So if you want to suffer with all of this STUFFED UP nose and ears and eyes then so be it!!

Of course he says its you! He can't do self analysis at all! And it DOES NOT MATTER what he thinks or says! He will NEVER change! What's going on with the housing! I have asked you a couple of times, but you haven't mentioned it!! You DID send the papers right?!!!!!!