I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hello - is anyone there? Dawn, are you ok?

anyway, not having a good time-pills arent strong enough.(who sounds like a druggie now?0 feling down. Going to try the old hair cut thing today see if it helps.

Workies have not returned and we still have no shower,Place is filthy, Im tired, Kids are demanding and hes still in his bed.

I keep having really bad nightmares. Really bad nightmares. Last night I was dodging a boat anchor for hours, heart racing and then running around throwing the thing myself -eird!

Anyway, really hope your ok:I hope nothing has happened - or maybe your taking a break, or perhaps your PC has shut down. Im gonna switch mine off for a bit.Driving me bnnanas. Got to go, take care, truly hop eyour ok

Hi hon! IT's been a rough couple of days, I have to have another surgery!!!! 8-| :-S And my eldest son got in a fight with some Lebanese Gang!!!!!!!! So God knows what's going to happen with him! I'm EXHAUSTED!!!!

He wants to go for couples counselling, so he looks like he tried something and it was YOU that didn't! Actually if you go, you should bring up ALL the physical and violent things he has done, then it's on record! Men don't like loosing control!

Anyword from the housing? Also stop reading about side effects and stuff! I told you that you can read anything into what you are taking, your mind is creating this reaction, because you are an alcoholic and don't want to stop drinking! You HAVE to start thinking this as your life saver Katy! And stop thinking of it as something that will destroy your life, you are responsible for not drinking, not the drug! YOU! The drug is just the consequence IF you drink! It all comes down to having a new reality! This wasn't a reward for you, this was an escape for you! I suppose you can look at it as a reward in that way, but it's not, it will end your life quicker, and you could actually end up loosing everything, if he can prove that you are an alcoholic!!!!! So STOP thinking about it as a negative, think of it as another step up to a better life for you and the girls!

The surgery-is it for your head again? The sooner they do it, the sooner youll be better!! (That alone sounds exhausting!) Your son-is he ok? What onn earth? o.O

Its good to hear form you. Im feeling really lonely thse days and I am struggling to take my medication and reap the benefits of NOT drinking......I get so upset when he doesnt react to my moves. He just is not taking me seriously!

Ive not yet heard from Housing-think they may take sometime, but I am hoping that if they do offer us a place:then hell be the wiser man and move ( but to be honest , I doubt that he will!).

I went out today-went to a hairdressers. The woman gave me a fringe-Im slowly getting used to it. It covers up a multitude of sins, ( including my scar down my left eye, so I am a bit happy with it-though its very white!!! the hairdresser was telling me what to do-go to the housing asociation and discuss it with them-face to face. She told me I was gorgeous and Id have no problem getting a man XD The thing is, I dont want a man-not for a very long time after this!

Ive had children over , and the place has been dwarfed-(ie ) snow white stuff everywhere-ontop of all the things that are supposed to be in the kitchen .I cant fond anything, and keep triping up over things-as they land unexpectedly before my feet-wah!!! Then I get bad tempered. I am still craving a drink, still, and even if I take the baclofen....I still seem to want one...but hey its only been a few days-I am struggling though , really toiling with it...I was thinking about upping the dose of baclofen , but saying as Ive got some weird rash up my spine-I shant!

Anyway, Im sorry to hear about all your problem, ( but its good to hear from you). I spoke to my boss about stuff as well, shes been really supportive, and as Im working I want touch a drop of anything with alcohol in it-so want to though-I wish( an I know its just addiction) but Id love to be free of it for some time and then go out partying with a few friends.

Im finding it hard to get out-as hes on night shifts again.

Anyway-enough about me. Hope your surgery goes well. Hopefully it want be as invasive as the last lot.Stay strong dawn-youll get through. And tell your boy-no more fighting( even if it is a good release) God Id -oh nevermind!!! Take care, and Im glad to hear from you.

ok, Firstly, there is this man at ,y work-hes about to leave-but he know I like him-big style! Dawn- woulnt wish to force anything on him-but at least to stay in touch-Iknow he has a girfriend. I do not want to diturb him-that way.So heres hopjng, hes too young anywa-but hes a magic wee soul! Hes the only guy I c ould say"Look hun Ive f222ued up again'and hed cover it .Illiss him for that, plus his pers0000onality!\Anyw\y, dream on! carry on!

Maybe , perhaps, one day!

"theres a limit, too you youre care, alimit to your love:..................like a water flowinf in slow motion: a map with no ocean?????Only I can save me! There is no limit/////to my looooooooooooooovvvvveeeeeeeeee?

You do not want to know what jkinda state I was in last night-You can probably tell ( I was bad). I was -sod the bottle-drink a box. I dont know -I must still be half gone. I feel really fat and terrible today-thought I was going to chuck at work, holding it in, and everytime I coughed I was sure I was going to throw up..Im wondering whether i should ring the drinks nurse and tell her-Im still drinking-I cant do it-lifes to dull without it. id rather be clueless to all worries, and puking on my own vomit sounds like a great idea, as a) Ill still be half gone, B0 I want feel it as bad, and C) I dont have to worry about the torturious diseaese that are for us. Im fed up with being told I just have anxiety-I cant knock it on its head. Im a bloody full- but life just doesnt seem worth it.

I creaked my neck last night too, and cant cross roads without great difficulty.

Im not sure about the haircut today.

Cant believe I wrote about that guy at my work on here :$ But erm, hes lovely , just a bit too young ( damn!)

Do you think I should pester the drink s nurse and ask her just for a bit of motivation to get on the right track. I cant go on like this, but I cant seem to change my behaviour. Im just a foolish, dumb alcocoholic, and if I am drinking due to anxiety ( thats a pathetic excuse-especially as I have 2 gorgeous gals). I just cant see a way out .

Im sure my periods due too.One of my boobs has swoollen up and has hard lumps n it-you can move them though I think-thinking about going to get an xray on them (Oh no!) but I cant stop wrrying that Im going to get Breast cancer, but then I dont care if Iam going to carry on drinking . I cant handle a night off the drink , nevermind a night on the drink.Im sad!

Apart from me, I hope you are having a better day. Workmen everywhere here, so cant even get to the kettle to make a coffee.

Hi Dawn-well im not so great-but hey- no ne seems t o be these days. I want to curl up in a ball and just simply disolve! Sorry, I know youre having a really hard time yourself, and I truly hope you get better soon!

Im just no good. Im am a walking failure! Im extremley tired tonight...I am fed up with me though-Im failing at tackling my alcohol addiction and wondering if I should go on antabuse. Sometimes what you fear the mos is for the best!

I know Im an alcoholic, and I know Ive failed in my mission to be the respectful woman I wished for-but like I say, everything seems so dul, unworthy, empty, even boring, without it. I yearn for my mum just to accept that I am a messy pudding, and to accpet that I am what I am.

Ive never quite made the grade a student she wanted, yet I aint stupid either-but I do think people judge me as Im penis eyed, especially when tired or under the weather. its a good tool in away, you can tell if I m ill by looking at the straightness of my eyes.Sorry, im blething, its just I found an old photo today of me when I was 4 , just after my first eye op-its amazing how stright my eyes look!..Ive trained myself to rember where things are- but not to actually see them as such. When I was younger the eye doctor used to say that I had an amazing ability to see well out my eye that doesnt work, but I cant use ut-and to me thats got to be something to do with the way my brain works.

Anyway-sometimes-dont you just eel blessed by your children? . They overwhelm me sometimes. I love my gals! Anyway, ill stop rambling, hope your okay. Sorry for being such a silly cow/mare-but I cant , i simply cant deal with how I feel!

You know what? You are just going through a change and no matter how old we are we want our parents to accept us and love us! I am 45 and when my dad talks to me like I'm stupid I could burst into tears!!! I NEVER got how my mom treated me and how she couldn't accept me, but before she died we made ammends! I have always questioned if I'm actually a good person, due to being called "Evil" and "Hateful" And being told "I wish you were dead!" I went to a doctors study group tonight, because of this frickin rare disorder I have! So there was ALL these pictures of me with the cancer and during surger and after I felt like c**p! I looked like it too! The betrayal of our parents NEVER leaves us, what CAN and SHOULD change is how WE view ourselves! You and I are GREAT moms, friends, daughters, and I would say wives! What we are also is door mats! You feel like a door mat, act like a door mat, and are treated like a door mat, BECAUSE we think we deserve it! He and your family have made you feel like this incomplete little girl! And now it is up to you to decide once and for all that you AREN'T a little gil anymore you are a GROWN Woman! Who has had enough of being treated so badly!

I think you should go on the antabuse, each time you "fail" - for lack of a better word, you feel worse about yourself! Just like when I try and diet and then all of a sudden I'm eating a Dairy Milk Bar! It tastes SO good, but then all I want to do is puke it up, because I failed AGAIN! BUT if there was a pill that made me sick as soon as I took 1 bite of a Dairy Milk Bar, Then this urge would pass really quickly! I was an alcoholic for years Katy - WELL before being a drug addict! I GET addiction, for escape and partnership! But once you body has had enough it will slap you silly! I can't drink now, because my liver is so overwhelmed it makes me puke within an hour! So now I would rather be sober and NOT vomiting then drinking and vomiting!!! You WILL be the same I promise, you just need help and incentive! You aren;t saying anything new to myself or any other addict reading this!

I dont know! iTS more like a breakdown than a change-my fringe looks dreadul, sinuses have flared up(that will be the wine then) Been in an absolutely awful mood. Oh and eaten like a pig. went to the lou and ah yeah thats whats wrong 8-|

I snapped at ex this morning. he ende up saying "kepp your mouth shut". I was being a bit bad- Im sick of this situsation , sick of it.

Yeah-I still have a toltal love.hate thing with my mum ,and I find her incredibly bossie and controlling, and such a hypocrit! ( what an un grateful cow I am) But its true!!!

I had such an urge to spend more money on clothes today-but colleagues spoke me out of it. Thankfully, Ive beccas birthday coming up. Shes going to be 7. Its seems like yesterday that my sister was holiding my pants and I was wheeled to a room...and they said"push: so I did, 15 minutes later, there she was, all perfectly cute, and snuggled up with me right away.. I cant believe shes nearly 7. I guess ill feel the same when shes 37.

I ve forgotten to take my pills, I find it harder to take them before work , , but found myself crying outside work this mornin, an couldnt stop..Id even lost my balance, but found comfort by putting paper up at my left eye and blocking the vision out entirly made eveything fine.

I put mascara on my eyes this morning and theyve puffed up and are really itchy.

Ive spent today planning on how to dissapear with my children. Im seriously thinking this is my best option.

Anyway, Im going to go for a lie down, Im feeling sluggish after al the food Ive eaten!

Hope youre good, keep in touch, and most of all take care.

Oh dear, 2 hours later -Im up!!! What a lazy mooooo!

Hi dawn. Ive a period from H e ll...Have you ever noticed how HE and HE LL (Minus the space) are so alike!

Anyway, its Friday again, and I am going to REBEL AGAINST what I know I do on a Frdiay, and what I should be doing. I e-I am going to stick with these pills.no more drinks thatnks. Anyway, Ive got to find an orthodontist for Alex tomorrow. The poor girl is going through so many changes-I cant keep up!

The thing is , on Baclofen I look completely stones, and must admit feel abit too.

Also eating lotas and lots of sugar-to the point where I want be needing a dentist but fale teeth

I cant help but feel that I am replacing one drug with another right now-so how does that work? ( Its ok, if I get addicted I can always buy it off the net 8-| -only joking. That will be all the es Ive had today E numbers I mean. So much sugar

Mums coming over. Shes all ready annoying me, and Ive not seen her yet :$ Why does everything have to be on her terms? Im a mum too, but I hope I dont do this-i hope I reason with my children!Make compromise.

My head has gone numb, Ive changed my clothing 3xs today-just so dissatisfied with me, and not sure about this haircut. Think I look a bit like a puaper. Hes annoying me, Its total Period joys. Who needs hormones?

OK, Ive slipped up on my drinking-it deosnt mean I have to go on antabuse- does it? I mena Im a lot better than wht I was-is that a start-or am I fooling myself,?And If I were so good, I wouldnt be scared to take antabuse anyway-would you agree?

iM beginning to think its my only option, as this abstinence thing isnt happening , not totally so thats not absitinenece, and therefor Im failing my patient responsibilities.Sorry, Im off to pick the gals up and in such a bad mood, Im going to swear at the toilet wall before I go. Hope your ok, youve gone all quiet again! Ive been reading someof your stuff though, and boy , you are one busy bust bee, not like me a big lazy clout! Id better go before I start swearing in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

Did you know if , as a shop assistant , you swear outloud on the shop floor you can incur a 2 week paid suspension XD What an idea!Im gona prtend Ive tourettes! XD XD XD XD

Oh dawn- where are yoy? I really need you -I know your having a hard time yourself-but you know what s happened-you can guess on it.Ive already been sick and curled up on couch with Becca. Cant believe shes gona be 7 in 11 days.

Her words"Did daddy make you do that?"

Whats worse was "No he didnt". Face has all puffed up , hair has gone curly and my legs ache and not been able to get my butt of the couch, even getting a hot drink is such an effort, everything is so achey, Im just so glad Ive my period

Oh, I think Im gonna be sick again.

I made him take alex to the orthodontist as I cant get my head clear, never mind walk.

The phone keeps ringing. Im supposed to be going to my mums, but forgot my dad was coming over. Ive ignored the phone, not answering, and going to curl up and look blankly at the tv screen. Im even thinking about doing me in-theres no getting out.

He said Ive totally missunderstood everything.

Right, going now, I need to be sick.

Hope your ok. ( I know this wiill pass!) But i dont know what to think.Ive no self -respect leftt.

\hey Dawn- I hope your okay-Im a little bit worried for you-youve been so quiet and I know youve a heart of gold and just simply want to help others, that why Im concerned about you. I truly hop eyour okay. the rest f this message is just for my diary.

OKay, I felt ill today-not ill sickie ill, but couldnt move ill. dad turned up out the blue. he sees me and my partner and hes telling me along with mum-that -we should go to relate. half of me thinks-they truly will never understand. the other half of me thinks, maybe I should give it a go. Ive never been able to speak openly with my partner about how I feel, not unless I have a drink inside. Im scared too-not because he scares me, but because, Icannot actually deal with the way i see myself.

I spoke to him last night"how am I supposed to forgive you?" and he said"youve interpreted it all wrong-it was an act of pure passion, Katy youve put me through hell and back, but Im still here for you" I dont know what to think. Is this more manipulation? or is this character trying to make an effort? Then I said "simple affection would be good" so this is why Ive felt guilty today-i got drunk last night so I could be more open with him, we did clear a few things up....Im feeling really bad, as I am still finding I have feelings for him. We didnt get intimate-but we cuddled and I slept in my old bedroom with him.

On Frdiay a cpn that Id been seeing has managed to get some money for me-just a little amount, but every penny helps , If I go alone-but from what I feel, I am to scared too, feel guilty for clipping on him, and worse still, still seem to have some feelings for him. I do think hes trying to change, and I do think its worth maybe a go. Dawn, Im scared to trust him again, Im scared ill fall back and feel lie i did before-but I know the children adore him, and mayb eit could work-is that crzy of me to think so.

Also, when he described what he has done to me-he sees it as a total act of passion-it makes me scared too, but at the smae time I guess I can understand. am I just whimping ? is thi s how life is? Are all men like this?Is this the way to show affection?

On the intimate side-god almighty I must have been extremly pissed, as now hes shaved off all my pubes, I dont even remeber him doing so-just know I dont , and so therefor he did, and now scratchy and sore.

If we do the relate thing, which he has agreed to, then maybe itd help-but now Im in a tie-Im going to talk to my boss and see if I can get my hours upgraded, and then sort out the benefits. it must look like fraud to them-its not intentional -but hes making no moves to move. and a good friend of mine once said yes, he cannot se the damage, but he still loves you-maybe she has a point-me, im too confused to work any of it out!

Ok, diary over. Night night foks. take care

This site is amazing! I am good today (Yeah!) Though very very tense-and really worried about this lump thing-its not going!

Otherwise, I dont know, maybe as I love autumn, I dont know -but I am in a good mood.

I want something to eat , but nothing seems to hit the buttons. also Im sleepy.

Hope your okay Dawn

Why does this have to happen? Im having a lazy day-watching dvds on laptop etc, and my heart starts to run off, I feel like somone is suffocating me, I cant breathe....I was thinking this before....yeah Im an alcoholic, my problem is I just have to accept the truth of it...it makes me sad, selfishly dissapointed. Lets face it, the harsh reality is that.

before it was..yeah ive got a problem, but oh well nevermind, Now its Ive got a problem so bloody well deal with it, or die.

I guess if I hadnt had children , I wouldnt wish for a better me, In fact Id probably down a bottle of codka duting the day and saty up an dparty all through the night, so that will be them ...my little lifesavers...and some!

Okay, right this is complicated. Partner -whatever, thinks hes back in my life now, and I think Im going to die. I now feeel guilty. He says, "Ive missunderstaood him"....wait though...has he forgoten what he did-yes....he couldnt remeber in the first place.....but in a way thats why I think ...we all do silly things when drunk...I mean I once climbed a horse in Glasgo....drunk...In fact I was so drunk I couldnt get back down. The police came and I pretended I was a tourist and that I didnt speak a word....of english. They helped me down and erm...let me go. God they could have got me for breech of the piece. Anyway....my point was...if my partner had turned round and accused me of the things I have accused him off, Id never forgive him ( If I were innocent), but then he states Im sick. Now i am stuck.......Limbo land. nothing makes sense-am I sick??? he says that I put on a straight rooted face when seeing professionals, that I am so manipulative theyll never know the true Katy, and therefor ill never get the help i need. Then this sounds rational , as it is irational to feel like youre being suffocated, it is irrational not to be able to go through turning doors, it is irational to cuddle lamposts, it is irational to not be able to walk down corridors, It is pure madness to drink an entire box of wine and think youll be fine at work the next day, all these things are irrational. It is irrational not to be able to eat 3 meals a day, to think one will be enough , its irational not want to spen d time with my mum , because I find her controlling and fear going home,Its now become an actual fear...and there is no reason for it.

Ive always felt though that home was like living a lie. though it isnt, but something truly weird is going on in my head, and everyone says im fine , i dont feel fine. Its irational to want to hurt yoursel, I dont want to feel pain, I just want to feel alive. That im an important person, that I have something to give to others.

Alex has a bad chesty coughand is curled up. There watching a dvd,

I dont get it...Is it me????????