Your right. Its the Old forbidden fruits thing-isnt it? Well, i took the last dosage-Im managing ok, a bit sweaty though-and a bit bored!
Your right about this mucus thing too- I was hoping that the Flixonase stuff the doctor prescribed would help sort thigns out-but if its an alergy to wine-ill soon be able to deduct that one from the list!
The housing situation-Ive not heard a thing. I might try and arrange an interview with the housing officer. I must admit I love the new kitchen and for the first time ever I could probably have friends over without being totally ashamed of how I live-just mad though-how materialistic can I be? My good friend has been over a few times, so its not that bad-just still camping out from all the rennovating thats ben going on. ( but Im trying to get my head round that nonsense-its just material-nothing more nothing less: but I also hold back when I hold Becca and she says things , for instance"Whats more important, blah blah blah, or family?" I just cuddle her and tell her EVERYTHING WILL BE OK, we will always love you , no matter what happens!
You know when you smell fresh alcohol on someones breath-like I did today, I wanted to throw up! Its my biggest enemy but has been my best friend for a while now! It makes me more social, it makes me more able-thats aprt from when Iam bumping into things ( ha ha)-but in the mornings theres no telling if your going to chuck, how bad the mood will be, how tired your going to be, and hopefully, eventually, I want have things humming around my head-al the things people have said to me, hopefully Ill gain back some self respect.Plus I want be worried about getting the sack because I drink, though Ill worry about that anyway.(Its always there, my first job-I was 14, a waitress...I fell over and smashed a few dinners-it was a bit of a sight and eneded up getting sacked. i wailed all the way home- thinking my dad would be furious) The funny thing was , he wasnt , more annoyed about how I hadnt been given a chance. Gosh, I will go on!
Im probably sweating because of the lack of alcohol, not the pill stuff-I just need to get through it. Carry on, do it!
I dont think Im depresed anymore, , I know I am uptight though, but I am going to be fine. I am getting anxious about having to take tis stuff though-and what if I do happen to slip up,, have some wine on Friday, will I be sick?( i dont think its worth experimenting-if I try I want be able to turn it around, but I cant be truly happy yet Grrrr!!!! I want wine! Do you think its just boredom??? I beginning to wonder if clean living is just boring and I like to live on the edge a bot-well I took that a bit too far!!! Ok, Im loosing it, might just hit the hay, Tv is rubbish Do I reallly need this stuff?Could I not just sober it alone? Hmmm-not so sure.
Anyway, Im off tomorrow so I will try and arrange that appointment with housing, I think speaking with my housing officer face to face might be beneficial.Ill be able to find out whats available ( hopefully-and take it from there. The thing is, from now on and until I get out of this situation I dont see a future. i feel totally stuck , and as I am scared about being on my own again, and fully pledged responsible for my children-Im terrified\! but I ned to get over it and move on!!!
Anyway, I hope your all right- sorry for moaning on and on and on.I just need to get a move on! Take care of you, and thanks for listening to me!
Your right about this mucus thing too- I was hoping that the Flixonase stuff the doctor prescribed would help sort thigns out-but if its an alergy to wine-ill soon be able to deduct that one from the list!
The housing situation-Ive not heard a thing. I might try and arrange an interview with the housing officer. I must admit I love the new kitchen and for the first time ever I could probably have friends over without being totally ashamed of how I live-just mad though-how materialistic can I be? My good friend has been over a few times, so its not that bad-just still camping out from all the rennovating thats ben going on. ( but Im trying to get my head round that nonsense-its just material-nothing more nothing less: but I also hold back when I hold Becca and she says things , for instance"Whats more important, blah blah blah, or family?" I just cuddle her and tell her EVERYTHING WILL BE OK, we will always love you , no matter what happens!
You know when you smell fresh alcohol on someones breath-like I did today, I wanted to throw up! Its my biggest enemy but has been my best friend for a while now! It makes me more social, it makes me more able-thats aprt from when Iam bumping into things ( ha ha)-but in the mornings theres no telling if your going to chuck, how bad the mood will be, how tired your going to be, and hopefully, eventually, I want have things humming around my head-al the things people have said to me, hopefully Ill gain back some self respect.Plus I want be worried about getting the sack because I drink, though Ill worry about that anyway.(Its always there, my first job-I was 14, a waitress...I fell over and smashed a few dinners-it was a bit of a sight and eneded up getting sacked. i wailed all the way home- thinking my dad would be furious) The funny thing was , he wasnt , more annoyed about how I hadnt been given a chance. Gosh, I will go on!
Im probably sweating because of the lack of alcohol, not the pill stuff-I just need to get through it. Carry on, do it!
I dont think Im depresed anymore, , I know I am uptight though, but I am going to be fine. I am getting anxious about having to take tis stuff though-and what if I do happen to slip up,, have some wine on Friday, will I be sick?( i dont think its worth experimenting-if I try I want be able to turn it around, but I cant be truly happy yet Grrrr!!!! I want wine! Do you think its just boredom??? I beginning to wonder if clean living is just boring and I like to live on the edge a bot-well I took that a bit too far!!! Ok, Im loosing it, might just hit the hay, Tv is rubbish Do I reallly need this stuff?Could I not just sober it alone? Hmmm-not so sure.
Anyway, Im off tomorrow so I will try and arrange that appointment with housing, I think speaking with my housing officer face to face might be beneficial.Ill be able to find out whats available ( hopefully-and take it from there. The thing is, from now on and until I get out of this situation I dont see a future. i feel totally stuck , and as I am scared about being on my own again, and fully pledged responsible for my children-Im terrified\! but I ned to get over it and move on!!!
Anyway, I hope your all right- sorry for moaning on and on and on.I just need to get a move on! Take care of you, and thanks for listening to me!
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This stuff is weird! Ok-went to bed about 11pm. Managed to get to sleep about midnight(whoop whop) Had a completely awful nightmare about a baby swallowing a toy that was alive and biting everyone. The baby swallows it, and turns into an evil monser . Veins are popping out its head and, it starts to suffocate. Anyway, right, this guy comes along and asks"do you need help there?" (Dooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!)Cant remeber the rest , but truly strange .
Ex came home 2am. Woke me up, staggering about the place, and stood in the hallway, looking through my door way with his hands on his hips. I pretended to sleep. He carried on clattering around the house-I couldnt get bck to sleep, but felt ok. Felt lke I was at my mums before this nightmare started!(well that how I feel)
Bit crabbie this morning. Alittle bit snappie with the children. Not taken citalopram yet ( wondering if I really need it!)
Anyway, hope your all right
Any Ideas what I could do in the evenings to stop me being bored!! Please dont say housework
Throats really itchy, but sinuses feel a bit better
Listening to Golden brown.
painters and decorators are on their way.
Ok, so bored-what you up to???????
Ex came home 2am. Woke me up, staggering about the place, and stood in the hallway, looking through my door way with his hands on his hips. I pretended to sleep. He carried on clattering around the house-I couldnt get bck to sleep, but felt ok. Felt lke I was at my mums before this nightmare started!(well that how I feel)
Bit crabbie this morning. Alittle bit snappie with the children. Not taken citalopram yet ( wondering if I really need it!)
Anyway, hope your all right
Any Ideas what I could do in the evenings to stop me being bored!! Please dont say housework
Throats really itchy, but sinuses feel a bit better
Listening to Golden brown.
painters and decorators are on their way.
Ok, so bored-what you up to???????
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Right-Im just leaving to go to the Housing association.
Dawn-i am definately doing the right thing??? I was thinking, perhaps if things hadnt have happened in my past then perhaps I wouldnt feel so strong about what he did/does-or is that just mad, and me using the children , as Im scard of change??? Do you think its not to late for relationship counselling-or do you think a leopard never change their spots????
Okay, Ill shut up now, Id better go, before I change my mind again!
Dawn-i am definately doing the right thing??? I was thinking, perhaps if things hadnt have happened in my past then perhaps I wouldnt feel so strong about what he did/does-or is that just mad, and me using the children , as Im scard of change??? Do you think its not to late for relationship counselling-or do you think a leopard never change their spots????
Okay, Ill shut up now, Id better go, before I change my mind again!
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Hmmm- couldnt get appointment , so filled in another application, and handed it in at the door.
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having a bad afternoon. Went a walk, mum came over, I cried when she left, took some baclofen-went to bed. Children hom nd I am stuggling. Throats sore and skin itchy. How long will it take to work?????????????????????????????/
I know this will pass-so I know I will be ok. Just feel a bit c**p at the moment!
I know this will pass-so I know I will be ok. Just feel a bit c**p at the moment!
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I think it would be awesome if you started hanging out with your friends again and reconnecting, tell him you are going out and he has to watch the girls and just go somewhere - with no booze - like a coffee shop or something! and just be a regular person, because IF you ever move out, then you will need to start seeing your friends again. When my husband and I split, I hadn't gone out with my buddies in years, so I knew I had to reconect so I did, and when my husband and I got back, I STILL go out with my girls! So you need that in your life!
What concerns me is what did he want, staggering around!? And also it's the middle of the bloody week and he's pissed and doesn't come home till 2:00am what about his job?! He HAS moved on, and what you are experiencing right now is "Oh I should get him back!" Because it's now the forbidden fruit thing isn't it? He's off with someone else, and you want to prove to yourself that YOU still have it! I GET that like you wouldn't believe honey! BUT I also know what it feels like after you hook up! It is SOUL DETROYING!! In EVERY way! I was GUTTED, I coulnd't get clean, I must have had 20 showers in a row! And I even threw up! I just wanted to prove that I still had it! I didn't want him - after what he did, I just wanted to show him what he was missing! That's it!!! But the price I paid wasn't worth it! Because all I kept thinking about is, You @$%^er!!! You were with her and NOW me!!!!!!!!!!!? "So You've got the best of both worlds you bastard!!!" It was AWFUL!! He thought it was great and that he didn't have to do one more bit of work, because "I broke" So DONT do it honey! Think of ALL the terrible stuff he has done to you and WILL continue to do! He has ZERO respect for you hon! And you HAVE to have respect for yourself! I think I have told you before what my husband and guy friends have said about wives who say they are leaving if you do this or that again and don't!!!!? They loose ALL respect for you! When I left my husband he though"WOW she did it, she really meant it!" I had a little baby Katy!!!! But I could NOT continue being SHOT down and treated like I was nothing! And neither should you!
Do you love him Katy! HIM!! Alone! Not the old c**p about "Well I will always love him because he's the father of my children!" Do you actually even LIKE him as a person? THAT's the question! Not about your past, or your history, it's about how HE makes you feel!!! PERIOD!
What concerns me is what did he want, staggering around!? And also it's the middle of the bloody week and he's pissed and doesn't come home till 2:00am what about his job?! He HAS moved on, and what you are experiencing right now is "Oh I should get him back!" Because it's now the forbidden fruit thing isn't it? He's off with someone else, and you want to prove to yourself that YOU still have it! I GET that like you wouldn't believe honey! BUT I also know what it feels like after you hook up! It is SOUL DETROYING!! In EVERY way! I was GUTTED, I coulnd't get clean, I must have had 20 showers in a row! And I even threw up! I just wanted to prove that I still had it! I didn't want him - after what he did, I just wanted to show him what he was missing! That's it!!! But the price I paid wasn't worth it! Because all I kept thinking about is, You @$%^er!!! You were with her and NOW me!!!!!!!!!!!? "So You've got the best of both worlds you bastard!!!" It was AWFUL!! He thought it was great and that he didn't have to do one more bit of work, because "I broke" So DONT do it honey! Think of ALL the terrible stuff he has done to you and WILL continue to do! He has ZERO respect for you hon! And you HAVE to have respect for yourself! I think I have told you before what my husband and guy friends have said about wives who say they are leaving if you do this or that again and don't!!!!? They loose ALL respect for you! When I left my husband he though"WOW she did it, she really meant it!" I had a little baby Katy!!!! But I could NOT continue being SHOT down and treated like I was nothing! And neither should you!
Do you love him Katy! HIM!! Alone! Not the old c**p about "Well I will always love him because he's the father of my children!" Do you actually even LIKE him as a person? THAT's the question! Not about your past, or your history, it's about how HE makes you feel!!! PERIOD!
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I dont think I love him, lke Im suppoesed to love him, like a partner-however that maybe. As you know h eknows me too well though. Ill never forget him saying"I cant ttell you, youd use it against us!" I remebr thinking what a strange thing for someone to say, especially when theyve put all their trust into (well me) you. But thats what has happened , I put all my trust into him ( in my younger years -i guess- and hes used it against me. Obviously , someone must have doe that to him at somepoint , otherwise why would he say it?
I managed my second night off (No alcohol) I feel a bit better-physically...Though, last night woke at 245, and didnt get back to sleep until 6am this morning. I had to go to bed early as he was sitting sipping wine, acting as if nothing was happening. I n fact, worse-he was going on about the redecorating etc-I think-why do you care, if your leaving ( obviusly he isnt going to). I find it depressing too. its now a nice home for the children, Its comfy and cosey and the children are settled. There we have boom bang.....he might as well wear a tshirt that reads...."Mind the gapp-between my ears"...Sorry I think Il just add that on to his one that reads."Mind the Gap"
I know im no angel and typing here, and if I get caught -god forbid-but I dont feel guilty for it. It was over the day he decided I was his property. his vibrator, punch bag and cleaner. I now just feel and dispair-I know my dad was protective over me as a child-is this why? Are all the male species like this?..I also think Im not ever going to be a fancieful for a guy, (ie) I dont think Ive ever had a successful relationship, and I thik I feel intimidated by men now-to the point-I need a drink as its the only way you will get me to speak nevermind get any sense out of me. What a cycle? Drink to gain confidence , then get so drunk, theres was no point just to end up at square one again ( doh!) Thta doesnt work1
Hmmmm, I seemed to have gained weight on my top half and my bottom half has lost some. Put a skirt on this morning and its well baggie, but put a bra on and .....push then up and squeeze them out-whats happening to my body?
Girls are good. I am a bit worried about Alex-shes coming home with BO, and is growing really fast. also she does this thing, blanks us if we ask her to do anything remottely responsible. In the bath last night, she has developed boobies( just little ones) . Could she be starting puberty as early as aged 9- or is she just stressed, putting on weight and sweating? Should I talk to her about it? Is it too early. I was 15 before I really started anything remotely womanly Its not possible is it? God I hope this plcae is hard to find!!!!!!
My sinuses have cleared up a bit
So far the only down side is i get No Fun!!!! and a little agitated-or rather incapble of talkingat night time, plus alittle twitchy and itchy skin-but even though its Friday, I feel like I can break this cycle
h, Ive not had a shower in ages and the electrician cant find the parts. i
I was thinking that perhaps as I cant see hm being allowed to stay here, that I could write a letter to my Mp, explaining the circumstances- it would just be so much easier for eveyrone if he would just go. i think he doesnt think I mean it-Im too easy to break down...like I can try and be cold and a nasty b***h, and more often I think I am a nasty b***h, but other times I break down , and start talking too easily, making life for him too easy-argh!!!!Why can t i jsut go to the police? Why cant they just arrest him/ Why do I have to either wait for andother few blows before i will phone them? Why cant they just re house him. Haklf the pronlem is hes a lazy Bastard!!! If 2 kids and a woman ( whne happy) was not enough motivation to get a house-then doing it alone , aint going to motivate him -is it? He aint going to move, but I want to make him move. I could give him a really fatyy dinner ( saying as hes high cholestral) Fingers crossed and hope it works----oh dear back to the "Dont asay anything, theyll use it aginst you"...Im only joking. I know I shouldnt, but the girls, they love hteryre daddy, so thats not a losss I really desire.Hmpfph!
Anyway, id better skedaddle-Ive a kids party to help out at, and where is my shower-i need a shower!!!!!
Take care, and than ks for listening to my moaning on ( again!)
I managed my second night off (No alcohol) I feel a bit better-physically...Though, last night woke at 245, and didnt get back to sleep until 6am this morning. I had to go to bed early as he was sitting sipping wine, acting as if nothing was happening. I n fact, worse-he was going on about the redecorating etc-I think-why do you care, if your leaving ( obviusly he isnt going to). I find it depressing too. its now a nice home for the children, Its comfy and cosey and the children are settled. There we have boom bang.....he might as well wear a tshirt that reads...."Mind the gapp-between my ears"...Sorry I think Il just add that on to his one that reads."Mind the Gap"
I know im no angel and typing here, and if I get caught -god forbid-but I dont feel guilty for it. It was over the day he decided I was his property. his vibrator, punch bag and cleaner. I now just feel and dispair-I know my dad was protective over me as a child-is this why? Are all the male species like this?..I also think Im not ever going to be a fancieful for a guy, (ie) I dont think Ive ever had a successful relationship, and I thik I feel intimidated by men now-to the point-I need a drink as its the only way you will get me to speak nevermind get any sense out of me. What a cycle? Drink to gain confidence , then get so drunk, theres was no point just to end up at square one again ( doh!) Thta doesnt work1
Hmmmm, I seemed to have gained weight on my top half and my bottom half has lost some. Put a skirt on this morning and its well baggie, but put a bra on and .....push then up and squeeze them out-whats happening to my body?
Girls are good. I am a bit worried about Alex-shes coming home with BO, and is growing really fast. also she does this thing, blanks us if we ask her to do anything remottely responsible. In the bath last night, she has developed boobies( just little ones) . Could she be starting puberty as early as aged 9- or is she just stressed, putting on weight and sweating? Should I talk to her about it? Is it too early. I was 15 before I really started anything remotely womanly Its not possible is it? God I hope this plcae is hard to find!!!!!!
My sinuses have cleared up a bit
So far the only down side is i get No Fun!!!! and a little agitated-or rather incapble of talkingat night time, plus alittle twitchy and itchy skin-but even though its Friday, I feel like I can break this cycle
h, Ive not had a shower in ages and the electrician cant find the parts. i
I was thinking that perhaps as I cant see hm being allowed to stay here, that I could write a letter to my Mp, explaining the circumstances- it would just be so much easier for eveyrone if he would just go. i think he doesnt think I mean it-Im too easy to break down...like I can try and be cold and a nasty b***h, and more often I think I am a nasty b***h, but other times I break down , and start talking too easily, making life for him too easy-argh!!!!Why can t i jsut go to the police? Why cant they just arrest him/ Why do I have to either wait for andother few blows before i will phone them? Why cant they just re house him. Haklf the pronlem is hes a lazy Bastard!!! If 2 kids and a woman ( whne happy) was not enough motivation to get a house-then doing it alone , aint going to motivate him -is it? He aint going to move, but I want to make him move. I could give him a really fatyy dinner ( saying as hes high cholestral) Fingers crossed and hope it works----oh dear back to the "Dont asay anything, theyll use it aginst you"...Im only joking. I know I shouldnt, but the girls, they love hteryre daddy, so thats not a losss I really desire.Hmpfph!
Anyway, id better skedaddle-Ive a kids party to help out at, and where is my shower-i need a shower!!!!!
Take care, and than ks for listening to my moaning on ( again!)
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Today was a bit hectic. Ive got this really strange feeling-as though Im just not in control of anything yet-its driving me mad! I want to have fun..some fun - but cant seem to find it!
I knew id find tonight a struggle.I am , but Im ok.
I saw the drinks nurse today and in away sh epout me at ease a bit-again-its only a little anxiety. I guess I am starting to believe thats all I have, though cant help but feel theres something more happening. Anyway, she was great, and trying to give me more options on how tochange my thinking -it works for a little bit, but theres a huge part of me that wants to escape BIG TIME!!
The thing is , I know I can put my children first and I can! But I cant help the creeps from popping into my head from time to time, and its a real what was that-feeling, feeling like Im going mad-totaly insane, and its too much to even mention it to others that seem normal-do I make any sense? Is that just alcohol withdrawal causing this? i should really have mentioned it-but felt fine at the time, so didnt bother, Plus it feels like a huge effort to state everything down-and in a short space of time, and when I know and have seen others with reall problems.Oh dear here i go again. i gues it will pass. maybe it is just coming off the alcohol-whatever it is its not helping my messed head. hes not helping either, One big grumpy messy buger-when did the students move in?
Anyway, let it wash over me..its nothing really , it will pass.
Maybe its the new drug?
Anyway, i hope your ok and having a good weekend. i might take the girls out tomorrow to the zoo, or the pictures if the weathers nice, or get a few friends together and go for a picnic. anyway, hope your good and have a good weekend
I knew id find tonight a struggle.I am , but Im ok.
I saw the drinks nurse today and in away sh epout me at ease a bit-again-its only a little anxiety. I guess I am starting to believe thats all I have, though cant help but feel theres something more happening. Anyway, she was great, and trying to give me more options on how tochange my thinking -it works for a little bit, but theres a huge part of me that wants to escape BIG TIME!!
The thing is , I know I can put my children first and I can! But I cant help the creeps from popping into my head from time to time, and its a real what was that-feeling, feeling like Im going mad-totaly insane, and its too much to even mention it to others that seem normal-do I make any sense? Is that just alcohol withdrawal causing this? i should really have mentioned it-but felt fine at the time, so didnt bother, Plus it feels like a huge effort to state everything down-and in a short space of time, and when I know and have seen others with reall problems.Oh dear here i go again. i gues it will pass. maybe it is just coming off the alcohol-whatever it is its not helping my messed head. hes not helping either, One big grumpy messy buger-when did the students move in?
Anyway, let it wash over me..its nothing really , it will pass.
Maybe its the new drug?
Anyway, i hope your ok and having a good weekend. i might take the girls out tomorrow to the zoo, or the pictures if the weathers nice, or get a few friends together and go for a picnic. anyway, hope your good and have a good weekend
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Yes Alex could be in puberty! It is happening that early! Actually my god Daughter started growing boobs at 9 and had her period at 10!!!!! It is happening more and more - I personally believe its all the dam hormones we ingest!!
I told you he would start drinking more around you! It's just mind over matter Katy! Just get out there, with your friends and the kids and don't do one damn thing for him! Make it that he has a bed and that's it!!! Don't push him or go out of your way to ACT like it, but just subtley and he might just leave! If you bring it up, he wont!
Booze and drugs are temporary escapes, the problems are still there, and sometimes even worse! It's not about putting the kids first Katy, it's about putting you first! Without taking care of you, you can't be there for the kids right?
anyway, had a LONG day today, I will talk to you tommorrow!
I told you he would start drinking more around you! It's just mind over matter Katy! Just get out there, with your friends and the kids and don't do one damn thing for him! Make it that he has a bed and that's it!!! Don't push him or go out of your way to ACT like it, but just subtley and he might just leave! If you bring it up, he wont!
Booze and drugs are temporary escapes, the problems are still there, and sometimes even worse! It's not about putting the kids first Katy, it's about putting you first! Without taking care of you, you can't be there for the kids right?
anyway, had a LONG day today, I will talk to you tommorrow!
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Morning dawn-oh well-I realy struggled last night. (Please dont tell) but I ended up having a glass of red wine -just 1, so I shant beat myself up about it. It didnt do anything different-thank god, except I started to eat like a mad person.Yes, ( It was 1030 pm and I ate 1 curry, I wrap, and then had a can of juice) Mind you, I hadnt eaten very much all day, just some of the kids sweets and a few biscuits.I should be the die of a house -really!!!
He, him , God I wish I could come up with a good name for Bllllluuuuhhhh! He had one bottle of wine and a few beers, watched as I ate and kept asking question, like "are you sure you only have a bit of anxiety?", Continued with"Katy, youve got smething else going on....whatever it is, ( he says) your eating disorder tops them all) PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfff!!!!.....Like a mad person...I sing Noddy in my head.
This morning he got up and makes hmself breakfat .Ive fed the kids, but still wondering about in my pyjammas. Ive got no money until Monday so our day is limited. becca is like me, could hapily spend a million pounds in a day and not think anything of it. She had my day planned out with my visa card , and wanted to spen it on "G Force stuff" Argh!!! Thats me staying as far as possible away from any Disney store . Anyway, lost the thread. he has no intention of doing anything....(doh-repeat, playback , repeat) Ok, I stupidly open my mouth-and say something about the situation....like pls tidy up....I know its a mess, but ...followed by....(whoops) what do you care, Ill be leaving anyway, and taking the children with me-youll have no control" ( What a b***h 8-| ) he sys:"WELLL SEEE" Well, I cant see pal ( In my head) But I can still see a damn sight better than you ( and hes 10 years nearly) older than me. Does he expect to win back my affections...what does he expect to happen? Why idsh e hanging around? cant he see what he ssodoing? i just dont get it?
Anyway, On that note...( the weekends are the hardest for me) Most my friends spend time with their families , doing things with their hubbies etc andor with new born babaies or getting married...( me, Ive done that.had the babies,in fallen out with him...ok, right..Its just i see an altogether calmer, better set of more mature parents than myself...I see me, as being ( stil ) a young imature parent struggling to the ends to cope and people judging me...as though I fell preganant when I was 14 or something...Im just a walking failure.
Ok, on the turn side of things, before I go down that what fuoolish girl Ive been, and no wonder I like a drink...ok, Im not going to go back...Im going to look forward and make life enejoyable for my best friends-my childre.
Im making a few goals for next week. i hope my mum rfriends and work colleague friends will help. If I have 2 nights off...from family life ( do you think thats abit much??) ! night , we could go watch a film. !) Night we could go sking...\Then in 2 weeks time I should have saved enough money to get a hair cut.....One saturday...in that time I need to take children out and get their winter coats.
Oh Yeah, I think that Psychiatric nurse really is helpful. She said somehting about choosing something to do....regards with studying etc....but she said something about doing something i enjoyed doing ( That idea...studying has always meant hard graft for me.....and a struggle) So that ENJOY rthing.....weird o.O . She did mention something about Art Therapy...I was thinking yeah....amazing job, amazing career,..Ineed something like that to kee me going...and I guess once youve found something like that, ( sorry once I have) then Ill be able to meet others with the same interests)maybe.
I guess its working. She was trying to make my fututre seem a little more exciting, and I guess id closed my thinking on my fututre. i guess Id shut down, saw him and then saw No fututre....even thinking about doing myself in...( that sometimes catches up with me) but No No, even just having Becca beside me...shes so cute . shes lost her 2 front teeth and is enjoying the gap. Awe -her baby teeth were so perfect...I want tom ake a neclace with them....wera them round my neck. I want though, that look a bit weird.
Anyway, I think Im allready getting better.
Hope your good, take care
He, him , God I wish I could come up with a good name for Bllllluuuuhhhh! He had one bottle of wine and a few beers, watched as I ate and kept asking question, like "are you sure you only have a bit of anxiety?", Continued with"Katy, youve got smething else going on....whatever it is, ( he says) your eating disorder tops them all) PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFfff!!!!.....Like a mad person...I sing Noddy in my head.
This morning he got up and makes hmself breakfat .Ive fed the kids, but still wondering about in my pyjammas. Ive got no money until Monday so our day is limited. becca is like me, could hapily spend a million pounds in a day and not think anything of it. She had my day planned out with my visa card , and wanted to spen it on "G Force stuff" Argh!!! Thats me staying as far as possible away from any Disney store . Anyway, lost the thread. he has no intention of doing anything....(doh-repeat, playback , repeat) Ok, I stupidly open my mouth-and say something about the situation....like pls tidy up....I know its a mess, but ...followed by....(whoops) what do you care, Ill be leaving anyway, and taking the children with me-youll have no control" ( What a b***h 8-| ) he sys:"WELLL SEEE" Well, I cant see pal ( In my head) But I can still see a damn sight better than you ( and hes 10 years nearly) older than me. Does he expect to win back my affections...what does he expect to happen? Why idsh e hanging around? cant he see what he ssodoing? i just dont get it?
Anyway, On that note...( the weekends are the hardest for me) Most my friends spend time with their families , doing things with their hubbies etc andor with new born babaies or getting married...( me, Ive done that.had the babies,in fallen out with him...ok, right..Its just i see an altogether calmer, better set of more mature parents than myself...I see me, as being ( stil ) a young imature parent struggling to the ends to cope and people judging me...as though I fell preganant when I was 14 or something...Im just a walking failure.
Ok, on the turn side of things, before I go down that what fuoolish girl Ive been, and no wonder I like a drink...ok, Im not going to go back...Im going to look forward and make life enejoyable for my best friends-my childre.
Im making a few goals for next week. i hope my mum rfriends and work colleague friends will help. If I have 2 nights off...from family life ( do you think thats abit much??) ! night , we could go watch a film. !) Night we could go sking...\Then in 2 weeks time I should have saved enough money to get a hair cut.....One saturday...in that time I need to take children out and get their winter coats.
Oh Yeah, I think that Psychiatric nurse really is helpful. She said somehting about choosing something to do....regards with studying etc....but she said something about doing something i enjoyed doing ( That idea...studying has always meant hard graft for me.....and a struggle) So that ENJOY rthing.....weird o.O . She did mention something about Art Therapy...I was thinking yeah....amazing job, amazing career,..Ineed something like that to kee me going...and I guess once youve found something like that, ( sorry once I have) then Ill be able to meet others with the same interests)maybe.
I guess its working. She was trying to make my fututre seem a little more exciting, and I guess id closed my thinking on my fututre. i guess Id shut down, saw him and then saw No fututre....even thinking about doing myself in...( that sometimes catches up with me) but No No, even just having Becca beside me...shes so cute . shes lost her 2 front teeth and is enjoying the gap. Awe -her baby teeth were so perfect...I want tom ake a neclace with them....wera them round my neck. I want though, that look a bit weird.
Anyway, I think Im allready getting better.
Hope your good, take care
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Maybe its this, before , i used to really valuse that intimate thing that humans do-no wI hate it. Now its a tool to hurt people.
In relation to something some people have asked me-"Do youfeel safe at home?" aanswer no-he always asks "whats wrong with you anyway" dare I answer its a big argument..He denies everything..He just did it just now, and all I end up looking att is the way he moves his body. I find him so threatening...So I ran here instaed of scremaing and crying - hope you dont mind. Its ok, he leaving for work and want be bakc till later.My stomach spirals out of control when he does this...and I want to scream and cry-I cant get my head round him-that his behaviour is acceptable, and I cant get my head round lagalitities. I mean,,,,you have to just wait on the crime to happen , and if that doesnt shake you up enough, then report it and then go through another war. The law is sh*t. My lawyer was no use anyway...I mean yeah every argument has 2 sides, and I think he just though t I wa sa looney and the case was boring as I was not gettting physically thumped about. I hate even walking past that building now, as I cant believe theres not more that can be donw.idf someone had done this to me, anyone else, had done this to me in the street i would probably have reported it
See, I dont htink he comes close to the equation of being a sex attacker or anything...it just the way he sees me, like a posession of his, a part ogf him, that he can hate. That doesnt have to hang around with him24/7 in fact I never was really alowed out with him and his friends.hed never hold my hand in the stret or anything.Why couldnt i see it before??Now hes wound me back up...why do I let him have so much poer over me? Why does he? and why does it still hurt?
Sorry, I thought iI was getting stringer. :'(
In relation to something some people have asked me-"Do youfeel safe at home?" aanswer no-he always asks "whats wrong with you anyway" dare I answer its a big argument..He denies everything..He just did it just now, and all I end up looking att is the way he moves his body. I find him so threatening...So I ran here instaed of scremaing and crying - hope you dont mind. Its ok, he leaving for work and want be bakc till later.My stomach spirals out of control when he does this...and I want to scream and cry-I cant get my head round him-that his behaviour is acceptable, and I cant get my head round lagalitities. I mean,,,,you have to just wait on the crime to happen , and if that doesnt shake you up enough, then report it and then go through another war. The law is sh*t. My lawyer was no use anyway...I mean yeah every argument has 2 sides, and I think he just though t I wa sa looney and the case was boring as I was not gettting physically thumped about. I hate even walking past that building now, as I cant believe theres not more that can be donw.idf someone had done this to me, anyone else, had done this to me in the street i would probably have reported it
See, I dont htink he comes close to the equation of being a sex attacker or anything...it just the way he sees me, like a posession of his, a part ogf him, that he can hate. That doesnt have to hang around with him24/7 in fact I never was really alowed out with him and his friends.hed never hold my hand in the stret or anything.Why couldnt i see it before??Now hes wound me back up...why do I let him have so much poer over me? Why does he? and why does it still hurt?
Sorry, I thought iI was getting stringer. :'(
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OK, Just had a bath. he left for work, so thought Im having a clean. going to get kids to help tidy for a bit. Anyway, I put fake tan on my arms which now feel as rough as a cats tongue, and is singing like crazy...Then my cat..I think he can feel pain...honestly when my toe throbs he sniffs and licks, and when im all itchy , he sniffs too. See my cat protects me, he doesnt jump on me, as though my head was a big massive cat nip. I think he was trying to protect me that night-awe-i love my moggie.
Anyway, id better get on!
Anyway, id better get on!
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Dawn- are you there? Is everything ok?
Im all confused.. ex wants to go to relate (couples counseling) I dont know what to do!
Im all confused.. ex wants to go to relate (couples counseling) I dont know what to do!
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Thats such a silly idea-grrr! Now Im anry for even tinking this could be fixed. Ive just taken a dose of Baclofen and feeling a bit weird!!! I just read too that there is an increased incidence of ovarian cysts due to the ingestion of Baclofen. ( well thats not good news for me , considering every female on my mums side has had them!) gee- and 1%-5% of the female population taking it will develop these-what?????? o.O o.O Google google please be wrong!
I was only trying to find out if shivering was a symptom, as everytime I take it , i go shivery, andget ear pain ( not badly though). Anyway, I wish the electricians would put pur shower back in-I cant wash my hair properly in a bath!!!!
I wanted t o go out today-go and book a haircut-my hair is a mess!!! Im thinking about a fringe and a big cut. i wear my hair like Im still 12, well im not I am 33 and need some style!
I know this sounds really bad, but I cant see me getting through this week without wanting a reward. We shall see...like before I used to just use a Friday night for a small (ha ha) glass of wine.I would like to do that. I know , it my way of talking and having some fun, but I know I ned to find other ways.
My eyebrows are too close together.
Cleaned the kitchen today ( lol). Was going to take a photograph. Actually, ok
have you gone somewhere dawn and not told me? Where are you???? Its me -your really annoying sister 8-| Where is everyone,? Im feeling lonely.
I was only trying to find out if shivering was a symptom, as everytime I take it , i go shivery, andget ear pain ( not badly though). Anyway, I wish the electricians would put pur shower back in-I cant wash my hair properly in a bath!!!!
I wanted t o go out today-go and book a haircut-my hair is a mess!!! Im thinking about a fringe and a big cut. i wear my hair like Im still 12, well im not I am 33 and need some style!
I know this sounds really bad, but I cant see me getting through this week without wanting a reward. We shall see...like before I used to just use a Friday night for a small (ha ha) glass of wine.I would like to do that. I know , it my way of talking and having some fun, but I know I ned to find other ways.
My eyebrows are too close together.
Cleaned the kitchen today ( lol). Was going to take a photograph. Actually, ok
have you gone somewhere dawn and not told me? Where are you???? Its me -your really annoying sister 8-| Where is everyone,? Im feeling lonely.
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Right, everytime i take that pill, I get really cold, and then have to pea, and my urine has gone orange. Plus keep getting a niggling pain above my hip-am I just being paranoid, or what?
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