I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Oh dear dawn- I ended up sleep walking last night-got up at 4am ( apparently) and put soup on-I cant remeber doing it o.O I packed the soup with poppy seed read( something my grandad used to do 0 and heated it. I got ex up-and he looked o.O :O -what you doing??????????/..me half sleeping apparently grunted and said "eating"

Then as I ate, I had a very big sleep , and everything aches. i look really old and t-this is the thing-I keep thinking back-then to have I waisted the last 10 years of my life feelings? To my friend who died who used to go to M and s and buy nothing for lunch, yet was extremly pretty, extremle clever and extremly sensitive and compassionater towards others...oh and she was extremley funny.It sort of sunk in my stomach and I felt so alone and so reliving the past-am I reliving my past? I get down about how I ve now waisted so much time-then I get angry about how I am waisting my time thinking about how Ive waisted my time. Then that makes my stomach take a dive and I dont/cant eat. honestly when people say they have no appetite, they mean they cant chew , swallow as its painful, and they mean there stomach is in the pitts of despair...thats not just no appetite, thats feling unloved, to feeling alone to feeling whats the point-yet I m not suicidal anymoe- Ive been spending far toom uch time with my litle ones to wish that for them, and ignoring him ( which is a huge thing for me) I just used to let him wind me up so much- also how did he get to me ? How did he manage to do that? I think it was hm taking the children, taking the childre away , tellling me I am a c**p at this an that and so forth, and then saying that Ive never been more confident than I am now. and then me ...me stupid old me believeing things that he said , believeing him ,believing, I am having a nervous breakdown

Last night I was thinking about how impossible it will be to actually seperate, so I have to sort my bnefits out, sort my bursary out, student loan etc, I have to get my referees together, i have to sort this out. hes just going to have to be more dispensible-afteerall he should just be too glad I chose him to be father of my children -ii dont care if I am ugly fat too thin, stupid thick have a penis eyes, have the rest and say stupid things al the time I dont care he still should be damn well greatful to me for having his children and ...I love my children and I am greatful to them for delighting me with their presence and being clever enough to understand and stand by me.

Honestly, their great -brilliant in fact, In fact i couldnt have lovelier children if I tried-oh Im going back to bed, I cant do this anymore, I cant think about it- in fact, i think I need some time to sleep

I dont want to think aout sleeping, I dont want to thinkanymore-but thats just it-Id never be sefish enough to do myself in, and leave my children behind, but I cnat explain these feelings.it is like a block inside me, and then someone will say something to me, and Il just cry..theyll look o.O I get :$ Then come out of the lou and crack a joke, face white , eyes puffy. I dont care anymore, I dont care about thtat, thats me thats how I am how ive always been. Why did my dad sya this to me when i was little"No one cries for no reason"....its not no reason, its just oversensitivity....followed by "you cry too much" well heeeeeeelllllooooooooo...why did they not pick up in it...I cried from the womb, and the only one to get me to shut up propperly was my grandad...by giving me half a spoonfu l of whisky 8-| :-D Huh-hey IT DID me no harm!!!!!!!

Hm -so far Ive done nothing except play on email, play on email again, look up journals on just about anything.

I sat for 2 hours at least gagging, thinknig I was gonna be sick sat around that white tunnel, renching, nothin would come up. also cant breath. The more I read the more I think, Ive not been told the right things. Though see this is manic-clinicains etc have stopped diagnosing people(????) ok, so what are they there and what are they treating and surely a person has the right to know, and sometimes pigeonholing can be a good thing-though I dont like it

Ive a lump under my left eye that I canwiggle-its like having a wobbily tooth.

Awe dear, now started to e-mail my tutors. Ive forgotten what avoidance camn be like-just keep playing with squeezy things. Ive an urge to do a beck and squeeze some moisturisers out all over the place so I can get that squeeze thing away....Awe dear Ive gone mad again. Think Ill go watch a film, im not working today.

I could do my dissertation on GAD and the incidence of BAD, ( Nope , thats boring too

I could do it on Pmt and hrt

or, dyslexia and its ongoing effects, consequences of late diagnosis or no diagnosis

I could do it on ...why do I go to Tescos and spend forty pound instead of 1`0?

Why do I shop too much? Ok , why do people shop tto much?

Why are woman so addicted to buying shoes-do men have the same afflictions? hormones perhaps????/
Perfume

How to kill a woman slowly ..........

Ok, I could do it on pants and how often do they get washed.

Socks? Yeah how often do you throw out socks due to them being odd?

as you can tell -im bored. His father here and not comning out my roomm.

How to look young in your 70s.

Oh talking about that. When I should my doctor something. he said its better treated now than when you are 70. I just thought I cant imagine living that long. Ive always thought and stil think I am going to die young. woman do in my family-it doesnt matter how many times you see a doc.

Oh what to do! Im ight go get googling agaiin-why am i so indecisive?
Underwear
Beer
wine
fags
heroine
cocaine
How often do you wash your bed clothes? :-D

Done nothing except googled the difference between GAD and Bipolar 11, ( doh!) there aint much difference, played on facebook, listening to him and his dad argue, still feeling bluh!!! Good thing is im not drinking ( ever again!0Too much to do now, Hope your all right -your very quiet again!

Everytime i cough i think I am going to throw up its horrid!

Great! (Not!) Combi boiler broke, and I have a strange nipping sensaton in my side.

What a day!

Went to work, Felt fine. left work-started to walk, then thought ( oh oh Im gonna puke). held it in-got to a bus....had to sit with head between legs...got off bus...Felt really bad, trying to vomit -nothing happens, then Cant breathe-girl walks past me "are you alll right" Then before I know it I am on the ground. I have someone jacket on me and a paramedic appears...Im fine now -thanks!!..Then man points out-look shes a big rash on her...Oh..Get home, cant walk as shaking so much -get in partner sees the state of me. He makes melie down. Just up out of bed now, and thinking what happened?

Oh anyway, I rang the doctors-as Im ok now, its probably nothing.

I now feel like im in a time warp and im never going to get out-I feel like Ive emptied my guts up-but havent. How you doing ? Ex said it was as though I was in shock..i feel like Ive been crying for ages but Ive not.

It was mad- and aI always feel guilty for waisting these peoples time when theres nothing real going on.

Hope your all right-im going to bed to watch a movie-I think im just tired.

Well I feel sick. My skin is green, and I cannot eat.maybe its a bug-but euch!!!

That reminds me, if you say to a paremdic that you have been in contact with omeone with swine flu=do they just leave you lying on the streets-just curious?

Had another panic at about 930 whilst watching tv-( i just dont get it). iVe been in bed all day practiaclly and still and its not like I can get a grip of my breathing as before...but I should be able.....then its so short , I cant stand, I start to shake and thne fall and then pins and needles and then I am top speed gasping for air..The thing is i cant feel the pain in my chest as I cant feel my arms or my legs..


Now I am bloody well too good to be true-which is good, but how the heck did that hapen? I mean, I never had the sh*t Im going to colapse feeling or anxious or wobilly ( o no im going to loose my balance) it was more like, uh huh , im going to have to lie down as I feel like im having a fit-though I wasnt

By the time that paramedci got to me, those folks with me had calmed me down-though it was the young man who said"did you have that before"?' Its this-I cant breathe through my nose-then I find it hard to swallow, then hard to gasp the air in, so then start to ( thi sis gross) regurgitate flame from nose to mouth to spit it out so that I could maybe brethe through that...That doesnt work and thn i feel sick...mybe its the Im going to be sick..I normally hypervent when puking.

I should just go and eat anapple a day .

I can be so thickel at times though. The paramedic says "do you want to go to hospital" I say ( thinking ( who does - doh!?)So reply"No!"No way, ill either think im dying or worry that I am waisting their time.Once I said that I stood, -honestly a peice of very wobbily jelly was more steady than I, but they watched as i jelied off home..Well it was embarassing , especially when I said "Yes, i have had this before; :$ o.O

That man in my house thinks its exhaustion-but if I were tired Id sleep

I am so sick of feeling this way that I will do anything now to get out of it. It is horrible because it seems so real and is so scary but it isnt real -I finnd that hard to deal with,

My children are both a bit run-down too, so I dont know something is definately around our door.

I am dizzy now, but that could ust be that baclofen stuff

Anyway, i hope your doing good, I cant leep as I cant work out anythingnbut i am better than I wasa month ago. Right, must go try and get sleep

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMm-I have a sore neck today, and I cant seem to brethe very well, but better than yestereday. Its getting to a point where I am going to have to get this checked - I dont want to go through thta agian.

I hope your well-Ive not heard from you.

I was up all night rubbing daughters back as everytime she coughed it was as though she was going to be sick. exactly what Ive got,-Im sure its somesort of viral thing...nothing too mega!

Anyway, I do hope to hear from you soon.

Holy Cow Katy! Why didn't you let them take you to the hospital? It sounds like you AND the girls are sick again! Maybe it's the flu or the Swine Flu! Have you thought about that Katy? You sound SO sick - I have NEVER heard of SUCH sickness joined with Anixety! But I know that as soon as you go to the doctors you will be fine, becasue this is what seems to happen. EVERYTIME you get sick enough to call him, subconsciously you make it go away!!! I really am at a loss why you do this! But if the kids are sick too, then don't you think that there is something else going on? Call the doctor and see if all 3 of you can get in to see him right away! Perhaps you didn't want them to take you to the hospital, because you are worried that they will diagnose you and keep you in there for a little while OR - this sounds crazy, but I'm thinking of it more and more - that you DON'T want to get fixed or feel better!

what I have thought for a long time is that you have some sort of a Self Sabotage Mental Illness - as in not asking or getting help below is a file about Sabotaging Ones Medical Care!

http://archfami.highwire.org/cgi/content/abstract/6/6/583

http://www.soulwork.net/sw_articles_eng/self_sabotage.htm

I think - as I stated before - that EVERY time you get close to changing your present life - in a positive way - you STOP! And become sicker than a dog and refuse getting help or telling the truth! Check these 2 out! I feel that you are not ready to go forward with these courses Katy! how can you get control on that, when you are SO out of control with your anxiety and stress - not to mention your physical illness's! You haven't even got him sorted out yet! You CAN'T take on so much that you destroy yourself in the mean time! I know you wont follow my advice, but I think you need professional counselling, and get things in order, before you keep piling on and on more stuff, that you are not mentally/emotionally/physically able to handle right now! This is a normal thing for someone who is having such a hard time - by the way - you are trying to prove to yourself that you CAN do ALL of this! But you Can't! I was hoping you could, but it's too much! You don't have a supportive husband, you are basically a single mom, with a medical condition. So HOW can you find the time, without ALL the walls falling in!?

Ok! Dawn- i understand what you are saying!..I think at the moment I am floating about a no mans land, worrying about finances, and comuting, and how to look after my children.

I had a particularyly bad day today. I did take my medication-im not sure if I took the same dose of baclofen as I had done the previous night-so unsure about that. Anyway, tis getting colder. I felt fine ( again ) this morning...even kept a lid on the things that make me mad! Ok-so give both girls a hug-alexs mouth is sore, and puffy and bleeding-she just got fitted with a brace-I think teeth imperfections are perfections. They are unique to us-so why does she have to go through all this pain and agony. And as for that orthodontist .boy...If I hear that phrase"it doesnt hurt-thats not sore, as aaaalex yelps in agony-Ill be whacking and saying "well was that sore you stupid m***n!" really angers me. Then Alex looked at me and her lip is caught in the piece of metal-do , do these people know what they are doing to my gal??????????????????????

Ive told her to remove it , if it gets any worse-but shes now got a bee in her bonet about having straight perfect teeth-which might be something that will never happen. How can they tell when shes not yet got all her adult teeeth???

I know I dont have swine flu-I cant have it, I am not sneezing or feverish.....having siad that....oh whoops I forgot my long winded boring boring story that I was telling you

Ok-so I was sitting at the bus stop and I felt this shiver go down my spine, but the shiver wouldnt vanish , as normal, so I felt really cold. The took a breath in , and couldnt quite get it all the way down, felt even more cold. Thinking, no no no this is not going to happen. By the time the bus arrived, I knew something was up. This time I didnt feel sick , I just felt I couldnt breathe, the entire journey I had my head in between my knees, trying to get breathing again, pins and needles shot through me, and my hands stated to spasm so much that I couldnt move them to shake the pins and needles away..My chest strated to get so tight, and my breathing got worse. the bus was busy busy-and noone botherd. I shaking managead of the bloody bus, but looked up .I couldnt walk for my legs were trembling and I was freezing, sat down, managed to calm myself. treid to walk out from the bus stop.I felt so weak I truned round and sat back down..I thought-Ill just rest, until this passes, but no, I started to sweat , loads of sweat dripping of me, I could even smeel the BO ( yuck!) and then the breathing again....Calmed down, but crying by now, and whispering "help me, someone pls help me" Across the road were loads of people, I tried to ask so many for help-they just alaughed and one woman said "Hello". by thhis time Ive taken my body warmer off, and my cardigan, I had dropped everything as I couldnt hol things anymore. Again, I try to et across the road. this is now 45 minutes later formm getting off the bus. I try walking, everything is moving. I couldnt stop the movement so wince back to the bus stop thingy. Then cry somemore, and notice I am freezing cold. Luckily, an older woman walks by and I manage the word out"Can you help me get across the road, Pls?' She takes me acroos the orad and into the shopping mall. Im still feling really wobily and really weak and thinking wtf is worng with me-there was absolutely nothing to trigger it-nothing! I manage half the length of the corridor and then it all starts again. By this tim a man in the stall asks if I need hlep. he call security.The man in the blue jacket sat me down , tried to get me to focus, rings my work, someone comes down-I was so relieved to see a familiar feace. I shake still beathing like a mad woman. They give me a glass of water. boss rings my doctors for me, we wait till cover comes for the shop and then, I calm down ( wey hey!) I feel fine and want to do my shift but boss wnat let me, she takes me to the bus stop . I get home and sleep for hours.

Eventually, I ring the doctors, and Im told to make a quick appointment for tomorrow mornig. Hmm, thinknig -not sure-but I never want to re live this again so wil go!

Im supposed to go to a class tomorro-but realised that 2 of the courses I cant do only take up one day of the week( In clas) which saves money on comuting and so forth. In a way I felt really dragged down, Like a flash in time, and feeling like all those years havent passed, yet they have and I feel like a heavy weigh twas on me-what have I done with my life?

I think Ill just have to manage my time carefully and I do have the back up of my mum -so thats a help!

Im enthusiastic about the course though-last weeks seminar was about (Cap) I dont know why they dont call it c**p care/risk assesment programme-it would be easier to remeber-dont you think?

Anyway-all this nonsense about me, and Ive not asked you onece how you are-how are you? Whats happening with your therapies etc? More importantly healthwise are you ok?

Part of me convinced me I had asthma-I think thats why o got so out of hand. I have sinistitus and a tiny touch of excema-anxiety and therefore thought-perhaps its not anxiety , perhaps this could be asthmas. But apparently its not-no one thinks anyway. I just thought it might explain the chaest pain and why my neck felt tight at the time-and why I was weak after them and then it all starts up again-yet rationally I can normally deal with it. mad -eh?

Anyway-its good to hear form yoyu- i hope your ok, its been a while!

Hi Dawn-Ive come to vent again!

I knew hed make this impossible for me. I had asked him at the start of the week if hed lend me my travel fairs-now its an issue!

Now, my mum hasnt carried out her full promise either, and the only person to truly look after the children is me-and now I feel like no one is special enough to be deserving enough to look after my children , but then my neck chokes and I think Ill never get out this trap.

After everything, it makes me even more angry-and it totally reveals the truth to me.

This is the thing, on talking to folks about this-I go dizzy-why do I do that? In fact sometimes I get so bad I just want to vomit or shut my eyes and go to sleep

Its weird though-before I came home I was feeling chirpy-I decided to test myself by walking on the straight gaps between the pavements to make a perfect straight line, pretending it was a tipe rope...when I fall off, its because I strain thinking about trying to stay on, but realxed I can do it. Is everyone like this-or just me? that not concentrating -is it?So if you think about things too much they become a problem, best not to think at all is my advice ( ok , maybe a little)

My back s still sore and after speaking to mr I am boss, its got soreer-sod it Ill use my visa and beg my mum -better go, take care for now, Katy

awe dear-I can be just a bit too cheeky!

Okay, right, he is being a complete and utter b@@@@@@@@d!!!!!!!!! He doesnt do anything-I am actualy wondering if Alex thinks this"when is mummy going to do something about it" Honestly, his elderly dad comes first and we all get shunted aside-its not that I disslike this man-its just whay can we not all be apart of the picture togethrer( mind you its a bit late for that now!)

I stayed up for a bit last night.Anyway, walked through to the kitchen. I heard this...hughieeeeeeeeeee noise...I thought-whats that %-) and then realised Becca was being sick, so been up pretty much most the night with herhurling spewing and coughing. Shes not so bad now-but I am tired! And feeling the nausea-but I think thats from all the drugs Im taking-im sure it is. Everytime I take the citalopram, I have to gag and cough and lock myslef in the lou renching till it passes. Why has that got worse?

Okay, as soon as becca sued her load-I had a total reaction.and thank god we have 2 lous. So wondering....the night before I had that really bad panic attack on wednesday i had been on the bog the entire night-do you think it could be connected???? Sorry but I guess im looking for something else as I cant believe I am getting this again, and 2 Id rather believe I had something on me thank think I am loosing it completely. Though the doctors say its anxiety...so no going looking for anything else...honestly Ive gone through it with me........even thinking..having my children up at my gps looks bad on my files as it makes me look like an even more anxious person..omg , what a cycle?

Mums coming this afternoon to look after Becca. Ive told her what hes been like.. Honestly he is so stingy and so so. I dont know...i look back on my life and think about an ex that proposed to me...honestly I kick myslef.. he was such a loovely guy, but quiet and intenes,...I wanted someone to make me laugh, not make me even more serious, so I said no, now I am wishing I had damn well said yes!!!

I am feeling a bit better about things, as my references are now in for my course so my unconditional will soon arrive, so I can apply for more debt ( woop woop) ..but soon as I get this I can also sort out childcare costs, benefits and turn the picture around. I am preying that he ...him , man thing that should no longer be a man thing should and will just pea off, as hes getting pissed off with me, as I am starting to change and I can feel me changing, For instance, i was sitting with the girls in theor room , last night and thinking, ( wey hey!) I should nt do too much of that ) okay , I god thats a stupid word thinking...if we dont think wed be dead...okiay rightthis thought came to me...im there mother and they truly need me, and , looked at the clothes horsse, yes...that thing that I used to speak to on numerous occasion intoxicated...yes, started to speak to it again...Please can you hang his boxers up correctly...( efff offf!) Sorry but he used to ( still does) nit pick at things,,, yet does sod all about them himself...Dont hang them like that...God damn Id only be too content if sometone throw the washing on the flippin clothes horse and oput tit away ( even if it were crinkled up in drawers ) i would not be complaining or dare to criticise or move to strike...eff offf, p*****f I am there mum and you you undeserving man ( sotrry this should be at thi but if I said this I may loose sioight in my other eye so just venting herer) yes,,,so anyway this undeserving thing....needs to go pick on someone his own age, IQ, EQ, , shoe size, size and anal fixtures....But, thanks for the train fair that I had to virtually crawl into his bed for-id be a richer prostitute!!!!!okay, id better go see becca, grrrrr!

Hope your okay, just had to let , spew it out....grrr! That programme "criminal justice is ringing bells in my ears" the only thing is and probably is just as well, out kitchen knifes would not cut through a piece of sausage nevermind his thick skin!!! b***h or what!!!!!!+ME!

Did you or Becca go to the doctors? If this happens to you again, I want you to be taken to the hospital! I truly think Becca has the flu! You have to be REALY careful! Had a week from hell!!! So I will keep it short on my end, take it easy hon!