I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Im freaked a bit by this Dawn- "Someone called DAWN"? What is going on?

I dont know-im feeling really really tired, but think that normal for no sleep-I dont really feel ill, so thinking about cancelling my docs appointment. I dont want to be worried about going.

I looked at those 35 symptoms-lol Ive 34 of them. What ,whoever you are ( now) trying to tell me? That Im an early menopuase case?

I dont think so-though theres only 2 females in our family that havent had ovarian cysts-yeah so why baclofen? i read rats grew them and that it was a side effect?

I dont know, I thought my course would act as a good mental distraction, and teach me more on the way.

well-I dont know-maybe its somesort of blip! Not sure, i kinda forgot others can read these.(One big whoopsee!). Anyway, really nervy tonight and flashing lights in my left eye!

Hope you are okay Dawn?

Dafty!!! I was talking about me!!!!! IT was ME - that told you that you were in premenopause!!! Thus the someone called "Dawn" !!! LOL So you crossed off 34 of the 35 but still don't think you have it heh!!!!!? SHEESH!!! I tell ya, what do you think you have then?

Phew Dawn-you had me worried! I did think that it was you -but got a bot freaked.

Well, if you were my mother you would have smacked my bottom the hardest smack ever!

I got up this smorning-got kids to shool, and then thoughs , I should really cancel my appointment with the doctor as I was still mangled from last night. You know who had come home with a box of wine and had started to drink at 5pm, so I joined in at about 730pm, and carried on drinking through till 11am-I didnt realise how much I had drank!

So it didnt look too good-not one bit.

Anyway, saw the doctor, he thinks ive iritable bowel or something, and Omg , im worried now.

You know what though, I think the main reason I drink is for a bit of confidence. its not anything other than that. I reallly think that.Ive always ben an emotional wreck anyway-but sober I dont have comfidence. See, sober I would never have locked him out of the house, I would be too scared to do something like that. Sober , I dont speak my mind, I dont say whats on the tip of my tongue. Drunk-well, you cant get me to shut up

Anyway, i thin I am going to have to go down the antabuse road now, as my behaviour ( alone) will be damaging for my girls. Theyll think its ok to drink , or mummy doesnt/didnt care about us enough, so we can drink. ( I guess I think that about my own parents-they didnt care about us enough) I dont want to be like them, and if social services do bang on our door , I want to be the person I need to be. At the moment I feel like a true sh*t mum, this morning after coming form the doc, I cried al the way home , and thats another thing, pissed , i can confidentaly walk in the streets-and have a face onme , that s I take no sh*t, ( well thats when your not leaking out your eyes, and someone has to follow on behind with a mop!) That neighbour spoke to me for about 30 minutes . hes got sad cause the clocks changed, and a big chest infection if ever I saw one. we were talking about the sober indivduals the tea totallers, and the fact that inleith you can go to a pub dream about something, and someone will bargain to get you it.....Mental!

I was planning on starting my eassy today, but im in too much of a state. Si going to gut out kids room. Oh-why am I such an iidiot? I was thinking how bad that is, turning up at your docs and reeking-its really bad, and then having th cheap shot to cry about it-god have mercy! ( not that im religious!) if theres life after death , I want to cme back as my cat or as one of those little dogs with the droopey ears and the big eyes. Id never pick to be human ever again( not that I did!) Thats the thing, when I got home , i was thinking -why did I have to survie? Could I not have died in infancy ? why did they bother keeping me breathing ? Im a misfit, i cant even drive a car, illok like a freak and feel totaly incompetent at eveything I do , so much so , that I dont do it. Hmm Dawn, Ive been reading over some of your messages from before, some of what you have said, so clever, but hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know, its like hes crwaling under my skin, every turn, every effort to get out, hes got me, and like some sort of fungal infectioncrawls beneath what can be seen/ Anyway, I better go clean the girls rom. ive been in bed since having gon eout . I need to sleep , but couldnt so I just lay thinking things over.. I am doing the right thing-this isnt working, so I am doing the right thing for my girls. dawn , im really scared, Im really scared that im going to loose my girls. if he takes them and gets custody, i will die, I mean I will die

its funny, I get really upset thinking about them, there wee cute faces, and I can see the babies in them evetytime I look ,I also a lot of my aunt in Alex, and Becca, god shes hard work, but she puts herself down a lot "I cnt do this, Im rubbish " but im right bedide her saying no look your brilliant. Its driving me mad, but I know I did the same, though shes a lot brighter than I ever was. Shes the kinda girl that reads busines pages quietly tucked up in bed, while what we seeis this wee cute playful thing, that likes being babied. Oh anyway, talking about them I better go.

hope your all right. i feel like sh*t! 9 but hey have no sympathy -I did it myself!)

Hey -how are you?

Om really not myself-nothing is lifting me ?

Im worried. When my mum had a massive ovarian cyst -she too was told it was IBS.

Im okay-looking forward to my day-out tomorrow.This essay I have to do is really worrying me, what ive written so far has to just be deleted.I know that now. I need to draft it out first and then re vamp on pc.

The strange thing is-in an odd way-I know he means well! But, I think If i go back to being man and wife-it will all just happen again! Do you know where I am coming from. I jusr feel loaded with guilt! Not to forget fear, self loathing, and anger.

Bambi , im sad, i have far more respect for an anorexic, than I do for an alcohlic, yet I am an alcoholic. I guess its the same-its a way of coping-but its not the smae either-is it?

Anyway, 2010 is approaching-I intend to no longe be an alcoholic, but maybe someone with a lighter load.anyway, im waffling.

I was thinking-maybe I should tell my course coordinator about this situation-maybe it would help-I dontknow. My course is all I have going for me. i love my children dearly , agonisinly so, I mean -when I watched my bosses arguing-I like them both-I felt in turmoil -the hoover couldnt get loud enough and it reminded of my mum and dad, but hey they couldnt get physical -and I knew that.

Im going to my mums this weekend so want belogging on till sunday. its my mums birthday and I reallly have to go.Ive not been home in yonks-dreading it, but in another way lookig forward to it.

Hope your good, take care and keep n touch

Hi dawn-Im supposed to be in a seminar on spss. i couldnt stomach it. Last week i went and call me oversensitive, but this went round my head"I didnt tell you to do that" well my god, ill be using those words a lot. i didnt tell you to whack me one, blah blah blah. anyway, I mfeeling c**p, Im going to go through later, se if I can access the library and go to oone class ( how pathetic am I?0

Becks is off with a cold, puffy eyes and just a little under the weather I just want to stay at home and cuddle her.

Im looking at my box of citalopram-and I dont want them, I cant be bothered fighting nausea.

Illok c**p!

Im sort of getting to the end.Ive had enough. Id ont know. I think I might dissapear for a bit. im feeling realy paranoid about everything

last night i ahd a dream about roslynd ( god) shouldnt put her name here. She was giving me a huge row on "look, if I could have children I would have, and you need to stop it!@ I know i do , but where are you?

Anyway, , Id better go!

Hi dawn. How are you?

Well, I managed on the train-sat down, and then things started to get to me-thinking about how I used to be-thinking about-where this is going, why is he never going to take me seriously? What is he planning? and maybe he feels the same about loosing the children? I couldnt stop , my thoughts just rambled.I was in a state, tears flowing out of me endlessly. One girl was staring at me, and then I eralised how bad it must have looked so managed to pull myself together. Got there, and you would never know what had been going on-though I rambled through pretty much most of today.

The seminar was on violence, and agression and sexual agression etc-I felt as though they were all talking about me so dodidnt say a thing

Anyway, Ive got loads to do but im too tired to hack any of it.

Its funny i got my martic card, and Ive been comparing it with my old one. I look so rough!

I then bumped into the girl that had said theres this course here , try phoning, She was so shocked when I walked in the msc room(. it was hilarious! So we had a good chat and played on the pcs for a bit-got nothing done

I cant help but think this:

right, I feel like Im in a trap. I mean, the children are at a good school( that was down to me and a few good contacts).

This house is our home and its comfortable , but most of all its all my children know as home( irrelevant though to what Ive got to say.

okay, I cant help think back to the night I locked him out-I did it for loads off reasons, more than anyone could imagine, but I did it to try and teach him a leson, to try and say "look no more"You cant treat me like this, carry on treating me like this and get everything and anything you want from me, and my family. There was tha, but theres this niggling thing in my head. Right, its been several months, His letter received from my solicitor stated about him threatening molesatation-which was even a kind way of putting it. Now , If a guy had any self respect any whatsoever, theyd never forgive a woman for arguing that.Theyd run a mile. ( Well thats how I see it) but the truth is in the pudding-he thinks I miss understood...How can ou missunderstand the "NO WAY"GET OFF ME..... its another actual fact, whether or not he could have been capable, but the threat, violence and metheds of coercion were there.Plus the fact he knew my history , he knew /knows how sensitive I am about body matters. Why-god damn it-was this not enough to get an interdict? (oh, because theres no proof, no proof, and I lay quiet about it for months)

Thats not why I came here though , to rant about history , I came here to state hes quietly trying to drive me out. He wants me out.Making me feel like an unfit mum, and its working to an extent. but I know thas exactly wht hes doing. if he doesnt get his way -whats he going to do to me?

I seriously think my life will be endangered if I walk out the front door with the girls.As the girls are so precious to him. Its something I wanted to bring up in class today-but couldnt cause I thought theyd read through it-but if you know that all hes after is sex or something that he wants at that given time-yet , deep down I know he doesnt truthfully care. if he truthfully cared for me , he would have walked and joint custody may have been sought. because hes not walked im sure hes up to something.I remeber having a conversation with my sister in law once stated that there was a psychopathic gene in the family. i can quite believe it. i can believe it. i sdo know that he sgrew up with men that had absolutely no respect for woman. Women feet are small to fit next to the sink, If you met mr charming youd probably think Im off my nut, and yes while my doctor states theres no point looking for whose fault it is , it hasnt worked. I feel a need to be told im doing the right thing for my childrens sake let alone mine, I feel i have to have that, but yes i do understand why also his gp would say that to me.he hasnt been able to defend himself. i totally get that.Everyone has a righ too, not just that if i was out before someon who had an anxious mhi, I would wonder how much of it was true or if it was their anxiety taking over, driving them out-but thats just it-yes I am an anxious person anyway, (doh!) but id never wish to hurt anyone-i wish in away that hed go for help, that he could see what he is doing wrong.he cant see it .

Sometimes I see the little boy in him, and I feel guilty for saying all this, for belittling him, putting him down, sometimes I even feel guilty for depriving him from his children ( if that ever happens) i feel guilty no matter what way I turn, and extremly guilty for the girls sakes. everyone that I have spoken to, about any of this agree that he should just leave, he want, and it makes me wonder-hes not taking me seriously because his precious children will see what kind of man he is-if we all have to go-do you understand what im trying to say here? but I still feel guilty for hurting him, and its not because I want him to love me as before, its not that, i just never want to hurt anyone, but then considering all I did and im sorry, whilst it was bad, in comparison to the things hes done to me, it was nothing. The police officer I spoke to , whether it came out gobble dee guck, did seem to understand, but whilst i was intoxicated, next door the police officer interviewing him will have got shes an alcoholic with mh problems, so its a minefiled.

Even though i was stinking at the gps the other day, and even although ive behaved perhaps irrationally, I think in retrospect, I could have done so much more. the good thing, and even although its no laughing matter is that perhaps social services will help us rather than zap the children away. My children are well sounded at their school, both are popular and have a very satisfactory attendance, and are looked after-okay we have days where toothpaste on there tops has been heard of-but isnt that a good sign-at least I make sure they have cleanish teeth.

If it had been me that had called the police on me Im sure there would have been somesort of d/v av in the aftermath-me i haevent even mentioned it to him. anyway, Im goign to go relax. my mums al excited about her birthday-ive never seen her so excited-shes like a child. But its good, so having the weekend off, when I come back Im going to have to study intensely-I just hope it helps to escape. take care and pls, keep in touch.

This is so funny! Right, we were all blabbing about -well this point-if we were all the same wed be looking at a ind of steford wife culture. Pff..i didnt write that -in my notes its gone like this-we are looking at communism vs democracy?, vs dictatorship. Its the same thing and its all reflective of society , its images it portrays...dont do this -dont do that, thats not good for you blah blah( well can I just say neither is fruit covered in pesticides, neither is stress to the level your head wishes to explode-or your heart wnats to pound out of its rib cage. I know I dont need to tell you this dawn , but the truth is, self destruction is the safest and closest way to controlling whatever happens next. for instance, if i get cancer, Ill know why its because I drank like a pudding for wel when was my 16th birhtday. the only time I was really a so called decent meber of this democracy??? was when I was expecting and nurding my children. i knew then I should never go back , but I did, and guess what-Ive gone way over the stakes.

Right, this is my thinking, and no offence but im thinking, ill do it myself. if someone says:you have a problem" its almost exteuating the facts -you have a problem, so if isay and im sure ive said itr before-i dont have a problem, then I dont do it-do you know what im saying?

My main problem, next to drinkand talking about me only is worry and lack of sleep. if I could find a means of dealing with this in the hime , id not need a drink. I guess theres more to it though-I aint stupid, desptie what others think

OMG, what a lot of rubbish! Anyway,Im going to my mums now-but even she annoys me-she knows what blows are like, yet continues to talk about c**p ( all the time) all I want to do is go to my room -be left alone and howl

Also, its this, im living here, making sure I am really rubbish, making sure he gets his misssion. i dont care what anyone else thinks anymore, i want him out-if he doesnt go, by the time Ill have to, ill know its the right thing. Im terrified hes planning to kill me, and Im terrified that I might retaliate, and do the deed first.

Ive tried the "if your daughters were to be put through this-would you be a happy chappie"? It didnt work! To him I am an alien , I am nothing anything, apart from something that should be scrapped of the bottom of his shoe( so why does he try and make stupid conversation with me?)Why, then do I feel so guilty for trying to blank him? Not that I ever can-Im rubbish at being hard>

next week ive an appointment at that place.Really , I dont wnat to go-I dont want to say"yes, ive failed and im a complete pisshead-what now?" em, I don want antabuse, I dont want someone else knowing my busines and then its almost as though people think ( thats not that bad) wellIm screaming here, therer are just , but a few woman that I know of that have had nocrippling pull me dowms, and they tend to be religious, domineering and think there the bees knees, nothing upsets them .Anyway,I best go before I dribble anymore out.Ive not seen my moggie in days either, the fireworks have scaredhim off. Hes a funny little chap-think hesd gad, as when you open the door his hackles go up , but then when he sees its one of us, hes the most cuddily clingy cat Ive evr known, big and fat too>

Hi dawn-well im at my mums. I was a trrible crabbie parent this morning. was crying,see, in away I never leave my flat, for then i get scared i want be able to return.

My mum -wel-she been brilliant today, when I got here I douldnt get warm and as she was obsessing baout something which seemed so unbelievably small in comparison to how I feel , I got angry and went to my old room. i saw my old books, my toys , even the way its been kept reminds me of who I am supposed to be ( who ever that is) This is the thing-ive just read that a person can learn a lot more by observing another persons bedroom than speaking to the same person for hours. yes, in away I think theres al ot in that, but then if you were to compare my bedroom here, with my room in my flat, youd probably assess it as a little bit schizoid, so isnt this theory dpendant on time structures and the social context of whats happening at the time. i dunno???

Okay, so cried virtually most of today away. the good news though is I managed a big dinner-well mum forced in on me. Meanwhile Becca got really upset about something and sat all huffy-it was awful-but I felt for her and didnt want my mum and neil to get on at her for upsetting the dinner. they did and then i got a bit irrate-eventually she got so upset I had to dit her on my lap and hold her really tight, after a good cry she manahed her dinner-by this point I was wanting to throw my dinner up. She mentions how she mmisses her dadyy -its only been a few hours, and I want to cry. Can I do this to her? She doesnt understand-not at all, and she so loves her daddy and she hated getting me upset too/It just gives me this choking lump in my throat, then there is this feeling of can I really do it. i know that if i get out this situation my drinking will stop-no matter, but then I have to prove tis first,im using mums here as a start me off.##

Mum is so ocd or something. Drives me bonkers! becca wiped her hand on a napkin ( god of all the things to do!) And mum got out the shout spray and then left it for a while and then all napkins had to get washed, all little stains had to be shouted out, nad then loads of washing powder and on went the washing machine. i just get fed up with her high standards that I rebel. But then i do understand it.I totally want my house home to be as comfy as this one and as clean, but with him in the house 9well id say youd have an easier time banging your head of a brick wall

Ive not done any proper uni work yet, i guess I have to do the reading and the note taking before trying a big essay.apparently weve to get them bound or something . Right, I havent heard from you in a while and I just contiue to pounce on you with my rubbish.I hope your good -over the flu? Im still getting that pain in my hipMy arm rashes have spread and my sinuses are really blocked. But ive not taken baclofen, dont feel i want a drink , in fact I feel like something in my head has decided to switch. the thing is,, as soon as I go baack to that place, things will creep in and ill loose it again okay ive got to go my laptop is ready to packin.

IBS?!!!!! So how did he come to that conclusion? Did you tell him anything about what is going on with you? You should ask him for a pelvic ultrasound, just to make sure that you don't have an ovarian cyst! These can have the same symptoms as menopause! It is VERY similar! Did you mention to him about the stuffiness, the nausea, vomitting, the anxiety, flashes etc.? He needs to put you on a major anti depressent!

There is no use going to the meeting, as you have no intention of quitting drinking! The only time to go there is if you really want to stop! And from the sounds of it you are drinking more now, then you did before! All I can say Katy is that this WILL come back and bite you in the ass! IF Social Services do come around - regarding the police visit - and it is found out about the drinking and violence, this could be it for you! Any divorce is tough on the kids, but I think it is FAR less tough on them then watching their mom disintegrate!

I have said this before Katy, How can you possibly do all of this with your mind in this state? Either you aren't addressing all the things that are going on with your doctor, OR he isn't doing his job and getting you on the appropriate medicine and getting you help!

IF you were serious about leaving him, you would have definitely met with the housing authority by now and already found a place! But you don't want people knowing your business - even though EVERYONE does! It is foolish for you to think for one moment that your boss, fellow employees, family, neighbours, doctor, people on the street even, aren't aware that you have MAJOR problems!!!

So it's time for you tell the truth - before you are forced to explain what he is saying! The first one past the post wins! Which means, the police have already been there FOR him and AGAINST you! It has been documented that YOU were drinking! So IF he says what is going on first, you will be in the position to try and explain everything with no back up at all from anyone - as they don't have a clue what has gone on! You can't turn around - after he has opened Pandoras Box - and then say "Well he has hurt me and left bruises!" "He has forced me to have sex - rape" etc. etc. etc. "He drinks everyday, not me!!!" He will have won and probably end up with the girls - because in the laws eyes and social services etc, HE is the one that asked for help, and YOU were the one doing the violence and has the behavioural problems! And as you know the Scottish Laws - look at what is best for the girls! And right now - IF I didn't know what he has done, then I would say that HE should have the girls (I obviously don't believe that, because of what I know - but I am the only one that REALLY knows what he has done and what you are going through) Just think about this Katy! I am probably the only one that knows the deprevity of what he has done! You - for protection reasons - refuse to tell authorities and others what your life has become! So WHEN not IF WHEN!!! the truth comes out and ALL the dirty laundry, then he will have the upperhand! You HAVE to come clean with someone - a lawyer, a doctor, a counsellor, a social worker, a housing officer etc. The reason why no one has helped you, is because you are saying NOTHING everytime you meet with anyone!

Like I have said to you before, you called him on it - hoping he would turn around - he didn't bite! And now you are stuck with what to do! I is now 6 months since you announced you were leaving him, and NOTHING!!! The only think that has changed is the MASSIVE deterioation of your health and mental well being! He is NOT going to leave, because what he tells others - just like his lawyer - that this is YOUR problem! And you didn't counter attack that, there is NOTHING written down anywhere supporting YOU! So it's up to you wether or not you are going to let the truth "set you free" IF you don't let it all out, it WILL eat you alive, and he WILL win and become the victim and no one will believe you!! Just like when his family come over, you do everything like a good little wife should! They can say, "There was no problem when we went over, she said nothing!" Then even he can say "IF I am so bad why did Katy's mother invite me to spend the holidays with her?" "It was ME that had to call the police and get legal assistance because of Katy's behaviour!" And there it is - in black and white - backing EVERYTHING he just said up! And how can you respond against it, with no proof!? You can't! So you HAVE to come forward and get it out there

Hi dawn! Do you know-I know exactly what you mean-but half of me is thinking this is such a biggie for my girls-I want change to be for the better and for tem to see it so. Not to end in some graphically horrible room , locked tight in with their controlling mum, not too be lost from the worl that they know, the world that theyve only ever known. its got to be a good escape. But also the facts im scard to a magnificance-you wouldnt believ. its as its always been. Just now I kow I WANT to change things. Im terrifed. I depserately wnat it to change, I want to change- though, the other end of the scale, is and no offence to my mum ( I know why her ocd takes her over) I dont want to be like that either-its uncomfortable-your scared to touch anything.

Like Ive said, Im scared I move out with the girls, as i can, but I am scared on the effects, becca-I dont know is terribly insecure and I know it too.Im scared for what he might do-which is no reason to stay in a relationship ( not that there is one) In fact, I think the last time I consented to you know what was whne we wanted another baby. thats 7 years and I have no clue on what a normal life with a guy would be like-I actualy dont want to be pampered, or anyting like that or want a man to comit, or say hes going to and doesnt-I want the truth.

Anyway, I think my Gp knows quite a bit about my history-what do you mean I need to be truthful? I dont want to go on anymore, Im exhausted by it.

Ive been reading about domestic abuse, and sometimes I think I definately fall into the realms of being that anyway. Although, the first time he threw me on the kitchen floor because I was shouting, I was so shocked-the next day I cried all day, and hurt so bad. Ill never forget the angry experession and the graphetti on the fridgeand my children asking me whats wrong mumy?I still dont think its abuse-it makes it harder to deal with. i just htink of it as a break up.Im guilty of things too, just not guilty of thethings ive told you about. but then thats it, once youve been with someone so long you feed back what your been dealt with, or take a gamble on it.

The more I read though, the more I think sh*t well I know Im no innocent in al of this, but hey I was young very naive, and thought and believed he trully loved me-what an id**t!!!

No! I will get out, but like ive said Im prepared to wait till something okay comes up for me and my girls.im not going to make them suffer other forms of pain-and even if social services come round. I know the head of department, he did the same degre as me, so Ill speak with him.
I think lawyers suck! I do not intend to go back to one until its finalalsed-sorry I dont know you can probably tell I didnt get a wink of sleep at mymums , i eneded up thinking about my essay and trying to come up with somesort of format to deal with it. I got to sleep at 8am , the kid got up at 945, so I had about 45 mins sleep. Mum filled me with home made bread and lovel food. She loved her clothes that I got her and neil got her a wii fitm as shes worried about her weight gain.anyway, im tired dawn and sorry-im not going to give up- I dont care how long it ake, Im ot so stupid you know, I will do it but in my own time.

I understand Katy, I do! All I am saying is this, letting the truth out and telling EVERYTHING to a doctor or a Social Worker, isn't the same as making the decision to move on! It is setting the ground work for when YOU are ready!! They will document it, they wont push your hand, but it will be there - waiting for the right time - you have to think ahead, while you are waiting for the right time and place, there has to be back up of the hell you have been through! And even though your doctor might know a little, it isn't the ENTIRE truth and reality! That's why you aren't on the right pills or have had the right investigations, I know you are tired of going there, but basically you are doing what most people do in your position, you are desperate for them to clue in without you having to say a word! This way you don't have to embarrass yourself and say all the dirty things that have happened. But they can't read minds honey, all they can do is listen and react. That is why I wanted you to write it all down, even mail it to him. As long as he has something - so he can help you accordingly. Also if you talk to a Social Worker - believe me they have heard and know ALL about battered women afraid to carry on by themselves. They NEVER push the envelope, because of experience with violent partners! that's all I'm saying is reach out honey!!!

Hi Dawn-well NO!Actually, come to think of it, I never told my docotor about the stuffiness still ( its still bad today) and the chucking up and so on, Infact, im not sure what I told him, cant remeber very well. maybe the next time I should have 3 bottles of wine and just blurt it out( sorry I know I shouldnt but that shwo I talk sometimes, ) What ive noticed todaty though is i am pmted ( I think ) and so far Ive had the runs 5xs, started to count to see if it does seem like Ibs, I think it could be its a real stinging sensation at my side and then sometimes it feels , its hard to describe but pain with burning passing through( though thats not that often)but today it got a bit sore. Gos soory you probably dont want to hear about my bowel movements . how do I do that? Every good friend I make, I alwasy end up talking about bowel movements, bellie flab and awe nothing stays quiet with me, eventually it comes out.

WellIm doint the single mum routine tonight again. Alex is singing in a concert in Brownies this evening, and Becca has rainbows. So it will be a good 9am, before I even get them to bed and then id better make a start on my coursework, as christmas is coming up fast and furious, and Ive so much to do!

yesterday after being at mums I had a big massive tantrum-screaming when mum was having her tea. girls you never listen to me, will you pls tidy your room ,before I go in their with a big black bag. he was sitting in his pyjamas, dishes pilled up high in the kitchen, rubbish scattered everywhere, I had to put tons of laundry away, and I had been so motivated to do some studying, but by the end of it I had to go have a lie down as I tied myself in one almighty naught

Hm I got a free cardi today and I love it, something cheered me up Its crop too so alex can probably share it with me. shes starting to fit my clothes and i give her them as it saves money, and they look well some look great on her. She 9 has the same shoe size and shares mummies clothes -what is she going to be like when shes 15? All I want to do is sleeo-I suppose everyone just wants to ssleep at this time of year. i was so comfy in my bed this morning. Ive put a duvet on top of a blanket and sandwhich myesle with another duvet on top. My matress is done so its alot more comfy and its warm, Becca sneaks in beside me, and snores, then the cat comes in and pads my stomach aches and then curls up on me. I get squashed in , but I feel like ive little protectors around me just now, so thats a good thing. Im feeling a little bit christamssie to-might get the girls something special byt the end of the week to take some pressure of. anyway, Id better go-hope your okay, and I know what you are saying, I look like the abuser if I dontr speak out properly-dont i? Thats his game though-isnt it? And him denying it and telling me im crazy -is that not apart in the parcel of the picture? I dont know or have i missinterpreted and am i the abuser-it gets so confusing, yet-if social services do come at me, then I just explain look a house is in the pipelin its just im having to wait for the date to go. Plus, the Housing officer stated that ( and I forgot about this) but ashe stated that if I get a letter form the docotr saying about how all this has caused so much stress that im on ads, and blah blah blah-then it should help the housing dept to push forward quicker.I dont know if my doctor would be too happy about doing that though. I need to make a shopping list for groceries, theres no food again and im having to use the childrens money.Last weekend I had to use my visa card, and now im on the childrens monety. I better stop shopping for me -this is getting ridiculous. he does just do what he wants though. and as Im not drinking and if I have another crappie night and feeling tantrummy do you think it would be ok to take a 2mg diazepam before bed to help , cause I cant handle the next days feeling like this, and also tiredness makes my bowel movements worse ( omg-did it again!)Youd like my friend Fi, she used to tease me about my conversations all the time....then shed talk about her subjects...i guess its because we wnat to know were only human. I do think I am the abuser here, maybe I dont work hard enough, maybe I expect others to do tooo much for me, maybe im just lazy and a true moan. I dont know!