Actually-how can you measure how on edge someone is?it is impossible! yes-I agree, i have whimsical moments of despair-moments of total-get me out of here-can I join my twin? To the opposite-live this life for the two of us! At least I know it passes, so maybe I am kay as I know this. At somepoints, when Ia mreally wound up, I am angry at everyone else blah dee blah, but the only person im reallly upset with, is me-does that make sense to you?
I am definately not sick-Im sure uve been like this thourghout my youth and , even when I had children, i choose to drink some wine to relax, and forget and to manage to get some sort of enjoyment out of life. i get so irrate, always have done, even sometimes at not being able to find a piece of clothing that I really want to find that particular day-do you do this , or is this a bizarre thing for someone to do. ven when I first started dating this guy that is still around, I remeber having a complete kidlike tantrum out of frustratin at me loosing a particular piece of clothin. i got really annoyed and started to accuse him of hiding it, or putting it somewhere and not telling me-then id realise how majorily bad that was, how I was making life miserable for everyone-and end up howling before leaving for work.
Now if I cant find something, ha ha, ive so manychoices, i think to myself who cares. Before i used to have to have that particular item or wouldnt leave ro would be late or pretend to sleep in-do you think thats mad of me?
I just write this and tell you about it, because I think even tough im not the most tidy person, I know its something that got to him , and I know its something thats helped him on his way to winding me up day and night! I dont know about you, bu today as i dont think youll reply to me until ive seen someone proffesional, Im lost as to what to do with me. Im being honest-I really do not think I need anymore help. i thin kby doing my course and actually just doing it, might help me. theres so many tings that come up-and I go II, your telling me this, but acaademically I am worried , I want get it in the academics terms , if you get me, and then ill fail.
Today it was bizarre, I could feel me panicing and shaking, but i was this:get ovr yourself, you sily person-dont do it, theres people walking the streets with Hiv that couldnt be helped and horrible horrible cancers, and they dont fall to the ground and I bet you anyting they have a feww million hundred stories to tell to, so as i wobbled up the road, i realised , I can do this, Illl get to the shop and get the bus back. i got to the shop i got my books, and then I actaually started to enjoy walking again. At the moment i have an obsession with shoes and coats, but keep telling myself not to. i try them on and then totally crticise them . I dont knkow though, theres so much noise in my street from drunks outside that I cant get out of this. Im thinking about poning in sick tomorrow and going to see my doctor-but I wouldnt expect him to do anything, just maybe to listen-maybe give me a different perspective. Sometimes i find I just have closed my mind off from the way other people may think-stupid considering iam interested in othes thoughts. Why do people insist on doing things there sh*t at-maybeits because they like the face of challenge, or maybe its so they get good at what they are bad at (yeah that sounds like me).
Im reading a book called blink at the moment, and its amzing, but I am hoping there will be somesort of turn around-like one person thught this, 20 others disagreed and thought that, and the first person was right. Dont think thats going to happen though, but hey ill keep reading. I do hate how you ahave to read everything anyones written to find what you really wnat to say and then out there name after it, why I can I just give sweeping statements and back it up with theoretical evidence, or can I, am I thinking old hat-I havent got a clue and as for writing I am totalls cared It want come back to me ill get anxious and write total dribble-im good at tht, If a lecturer etc puts trick questionas in, I dalwasy be the fool to try and give it a go. anyway, Im too hot so going for some water, sweat is jst pouring of me-its yuck. I know I was never confident for very long-I had a good friend called Fiona at one poitn in my life we practically lived with each other, and we were both insecure but we found ways of supporting each other.Oh god, Im just waffling now, but I miss her frinedshipp moreso than any other friend I have made.
My friend Fiona, wel the last i hear she was the director of som ewater company, but the last I knew her dad was diagnosed with ms, and he was the tye of man that wouldnt let his daughters leave the home until they met a man who would marr y them with his approval-he seemed really over protective of her, so much so that she rebelled a bit. I know her dad has Ms, and its not been easy onthem , but ive not heard form her in a bout a year, and the last time that happened I was the one having the baby. When I first fell pregnant I was I wouldnt say ashamed or dissapointed but extremley scared, and I didnt want anyone to see me in that way or form , so I kept it very quiet unti li had alex my littlle girl. When i got back in touch with Fi, she was great , but she wuold say tings , like "Katy, I m seeing things I dont really like" and Katy why have you no t put make up on, your different, youve lost confidence-but when can you come to mine so I can cheer you up? I didnt like staying at hers as she had an alsation dog that had a tendency to try and do what men have tried-though we found it funny -I was scared, and he was huge. Even our last conversation brough tit up "Only if you get a lock on your door doll, im not coming through if he can get in your room". god, I miss those times, we cried together and we laughed together, and believe me when we laughed we were baddies, we were so bad. At the same tim ewe both worked, and tried hard to please others_ I wish I could find out where she is now, but im scared to in case anything has happened to her, or shes a completely different person. i know if I could find her, and if she is the same old fiona ( not that shes old , but you know what I mean) then I might manage to get strength to foolw this year alone through properly.
I dont mean toupset you Dawn by teeling you this, but your along way away , in canada, and Id probably feel embarassed to meet you, as you know so muc h yet dont know me if you know what i mean-or maybe i am not that bad at english and you do know me-I dont really know-im taking a gues, youve stuck by me now so I reckon you know meOh god, ill shut up now, god I hope ive not hurt your feelings nan dI hope yor okay , youve not said how your treatment is carryin gon-are you doing well?I hope you are-youve been a gift to me- a true fairy. i do hope your all right, take care. im going to bed. hopeffuly to sleep! Nigh t night.
I am definately not sick-Im sure uve been like this thourghout my youth and , even when I had children, i choose to drink some wine to relax, and forget and to manage to get some sort of enjoyment out of life. i get so irrate, always have done, even sometimes at not being able to find a piece of clothing that I really want to find that particular day-do you do this , or is this a bizarre thing for someone to do. ven when I first started dating this guy that is still around, I remeber having a complete kidlike tantrum out of frustratin at me loosing a particular piece of clothin. i got really annoyed and started to accuse him of hiding it, or putting it somewhere and not telling me-then id realise how majorily bad that was, how I was making life miserable for everyone-and end up howling before leaving for work.
Now if I cant find something, ha ha, ive so manychoices, i think to myself who cares. Before i used to have to have that particular item or wouldnt leave ro would be late or pretend to sleep in-do you think thats mad of me?
I just write this and tell you about it, because I think even tough im not the most tidy person, I know its something that got to him , and I know its something thats helped him on his way to winding me up day and night! I dont know about you, bu today as i dont think youll reply to me until ive seen someone proffesional, Im lost as to what to do with me. Im being honest-I really do not think I need anymore help. i thin kby doing my course and actually just doing it, might help me. theres so many tings that come up-and I go II, your telling me this, but acaademically I am worried , I want get it in the academics terms , if you get me, and then ill fail.
Today it was bizarre, I could feel me panicing and shaking, but i was this:get ovr yourself, you sily person-dont do it, theres people walking the streets with Hiv that couldnt be helped and horrible horrible cancers, and they dont fall to the ground and I bet you anyting they have a feww million hundred stories to tell to, so as i wobbled up the road, i realised , I can do this, Illl get to the shop and get the bus back. i got to the shop i got my books, and then I actaually started to enjoy walking again. At the moment i have an obsession with shoes and coats, but keep telling myself not to. i try them on and then totally crticise them . I dont knkow though, theres so much noise in my street from drunks outside that I cant get out of this. Im thinking about poning in sick tomorrow and going to see my doctor-but I wouldnt expect him to do anything, just maybe to listen-maybe give me a different perspective. Sometimes i find I just have closed my mind off from the way other people may think-stupid considering iam interested in othes thoughts. Why do people insist on doing things there sh*t at-maybeits because they like the face of challenge, or maybe its so they get good at what they are bad at (yeah that sounds like me).
Im reading a book called blink at the moment, and its amzing, but I am hoping there will be somesort of turn around-like one person thught this, 20 others disagreed and thought that, and the first person was right. Dont think thats going to happen though, but hey ill keep reading. I do hate how you ahave to read everything anyones written to find what you really wnat to say and then out there name after it, why I can I just give sweeping statements and back it up with theoretical evidence, or can I, am I thinking old hat-I havent got a clue and as for writing I am totalls cared It want come back to me ill get anxious and write total dribble-im good at tht, If a lecturer etc puts trick questionas in, I dalwasy be the fool to try and give it a go. anyway, Im too hot so going for some water, sweat is jst pouring of me-its yuck. I know I was never confident for very long-I had a good friend called Fiona at one poitn in my life we practically lived with each other, and we were both insecure but we found ways of supporting each other.Oh god, Im just waffling now, but I miss her frinedshipp moreso than any other friend I have made.
My friend Fiona, wel the last i hear she was the director of som ewater company, but the last I knew her dad was diagnosed with ms, and he was the tye of man that wouldnt let his daughters leave the home until they met a man who would marr y them with his approval-he seemed really over protective of her, so much so that she rebelled a bit. I know her dad has Ms, and its not been easy onthem , but ive not heard form her in a bout a year, and the last time that happened I was the one having the baby. When I first fell pregnant I was I wouldnt say ashamed or dissapointed but extremley scared, and I didnt want anyone to see me in that way or form , so I kept it very quiet unti li had alex my littlle girl. When i got back in touch with Fi, she was great , but she wuold say tings , like "Katy, I m seeing things I dont really like" and Katy why have you no t put make up on, your different, youve lost confidence-but when can you come to mine so I can cheer you up? I didnt like staying at hers as she had an alsation dog that had a tendency to try and do what men have tried-though we found it funny -I was scared, and he was huge. Even our last conversation brough tit up "Only if you get a lock on your door doll, im not coming through if he can get in your room". god, I miss those times, we cried together and we laughed together, and believe me when we laughed we were baddies, we were so bad. At the same tim ewe both worked, and tried hard to please others_ I wish I could find out where she is now, but im scared to in case anything has happened to her, or shes a completely different person. i know if I could find her, and if she is the same old fiona ( not that shes old , but you know what I mean) then I might manage to get strength to foolw this year alone through properly.
I dont mean toupset you Dawn by teeling you this, but your along way away , in canada, and Id probably feel embarassed to meet you, as you know so muc h yet dont know me if you know what i mean-or maybe i am not that bad at english and you do know me-I dont really know-im taking a gues, youve stuck by me now so I reckon you know meOh god, ill shut up now, god I hope ive not hurt your feelings nan dI hope yor okay , youve not said how your treatment is carryin gon-are you doing well?I hope you are-youve been a gift to me- a true fairy. i do hope your all right, take care. im going to bed. hopeffuly to sleep! Nigh t night.
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Hi Hon! I don't know why I didn't do this before, but I looked up Baclofen before but I'm QUITE preturbed about what I found, take a look at these links
http://www.drugs.com/pro/baclofen.html
http://www.drugs.com/baclofen.html
Why are you on Baclofen? It is a muscle relaxant? I don't get this actually! Please read these, it's quite something ESPECIALLY the side effects. but notice the part about NOT stopping immediately OK?
http://www.drugs.com/sfx/baclofen-side-effects.html
http://www.ehow.com/about_5381874_side-effects-baclofen.html
Did the drinks nurse put you on this or your family doctor? I just punched in the Baclofen and Clonazepam interactions and there ARE
http://www.drugs.com/drug-interactions/baclofen.html
I know I've given you a LOT of different website to look at and all the symptoms you have been having seem to match up with ALL of them, but when you keep on mentioning not feeling well on Baclofen! Then when I saw the side effects AND the interactions, I think we might have it!!!! That's why you need someone to take a look at your symptoms and the drugs your are on!
Don't stop them Katy! Stopping anything can lead to BIG even deadly problems OK?
Also! There is no such thing as "Whimsical moments of despair"!!!!!! And like I have said to you before I GET you Katy! I GET what you are feeling and what you are going through! I am just WORRIED SICK that what you are going through - wether mental or drug induced will make you go over the edge! And I feel helpless about that! I want us to still talk etc, and I DONT want anything bad to happen to you! Granted there are people out there who are suffering terrible illness's, BUT that doesn't take away from your suffering! If your leg was hanging off, and you didn't get medical help because there are peopel out there who have NO legs, does that make sense? NO!! So you need to get better! And then be able to finish the course and help others in your position!
Actually that is what I am thinking of doing myself! Since I was/am an addict, and am presently a member of our local Medicinal Marijuana Association, I have been thinking about taking the Presidents position - as he is no longer able to do it! I want to make it public and bring it to the media, and make it more a topic of conversation. We can only teach what we have learned right? So perhaps you are going through all of this sh*t!!!! So you can one day help others overcome it!!
So anyway hon, I will talk to you later, had flu like symptoms over the last 2 days!!!! >:( So still feeling weak!!
http://www.drugs.com/pro/baclofen.html
http://www.drugs.com/baclofen.html
Why are you on Baclofen? It is a muscle relaxant? I don't get this actually! Please read these, it's quite something ESPECIALLY the side effects. but notice the part about NOT stopping immediately OK?
http://www.drugs.com/sfx/baclofen-side-effects.html
http://www.ehow.com/about_5381874_side-effects-baclofen.html
Did the drinks nurse put you on this or your family doctor? I just punched in the Baclofen and Clonazepam interactions and there ARE
http://www.drugs.com/drug-interactions/baclofen.html
I know I've given you a LOT of different website to look at and all the symptoms you have been having seem to match up with ALL of them, but when you keep on mentioning not feeling well on Baclofen! Then when I saw the side effects AND the interactions, I think we might have it!!!! That's why you need someone to take a look at your symptoms and the drugs your are on!
Don't stop them Katy! Stopping anything can lead to BIG even deadly problems OK?
Also! There is no such thing as "Whimsical moments of despair"!!!!!! And like I have said to you before I GET you Katy! I GET what you are feeling and what you are going through! I am just WORRIED SICK that what you are going through - wether mental or drug induced will make you go over the edge! And I feel helpless about that! I want us to still talk etc, and I DONT want anything bad to happen to you! Granted there are people out there who are suffering terrible illness's, BUT that doesn't take away from your suffering! If your leg was hanging off, and you didn't get medical help because there are peopel out there who have NO legs, does that make sense? NO!! So you need to get better! And then be able to finish the course and help others in your position!
Actually that is what I am thinking of doing myself! Since I was/am an addict, and am presently a member of our local Medicinal Marijuana Association, I have been thinking about taking the Presidents position - as he is no longer able to do it! I want to make it public and bring it to the media, and make it more a topic of conversation. We can only teach what we have learned right? So perhaps you are going through all of this sh*t!!!! So you can one day help others overcome it!!
So anyway hon, I will talk to you later, had flu like symptoms over the last 2 days!!!! >:( So still feeling weak!!
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dawn, Ive been looking and looking for that info for ages-even on the litle paperwork you get with the pill. (Must have missed it somehow-oh cause im dosey!). Yeah--most of my symptoms do sound like a reaction to it-im sure of it. Im too scared now to go to my doctor-not that he prescribed it, and say. As my only other option is antabuse-I dont want to go on that-! 10 I dont think it will work for me, and ill end up in hospital anyway, and 2) I believe as a grown up, a person shoulsd bea allowed choices, even if it is finger pointing in the face of death-I still think that a choice should be allowed and I would learn very little by going on a drug that makes me vomit as Ive had a drink! I believe tappering off is the only way ( where addictin is concernecd) Putting an addictive person at gun point is only going to lead to relapse ( I think anyway= thtas why I chose baclofen, and also because I am anxious and aggitatted and ususally very on edge-which I am still but my body thinks otherwise.
Awee, Dawn-not the flu! Everyone and there dog around here has or seem to be having something strange, yet nothing is reported about swine flu or anything. I think its the time of year. Im sure this time last year I was one minute realy happy and the next minute eating citalopram pills like no tomorrow, in the hope that Id just de exist
Ive also been exting like a horse and I am so so tired, and I hate to say it but baclfen makes me pee, like I dont know what and make me itvhy, really itchy-I reallly do not like it. Its not like diazepam at all ( not in my experience) Diazepam seems to work on the brain moreso than this stuff-wel for me, this stuff makes me feel loose , but my head is really really wound up-I definately think its true-see I think if i take this to a doctor thaeyll find some other reason for this reaction -by no way will it be the drug, I don really want to go to a doctorabout it.
Anyway, hope you have some hot lemsip and some good books or fimlms to watch so you can relax with your feet up , dont let the flu eat you and keep warm-youll be great once its gone. i actually am hoping to find someone to give me the flu so I can get some time off. Everytime is see someone with it, Im like rub your eye, wipe it on my hand and Ill rub my eye ( thank -you!) But no one will do it-tut! You could post it to me( Ha ha) anyway, thanks for the insightand keep warm and take care,
Awee, Dawn-not the flu! Everyone and there dog around here has or seem to be having something strange, yet nothing is reported about swine flu or anything. I think its the time of year. Im sure this time last year I was one minute realy happy and the next minute eating citalopram pills like no tomorrow, in the hope that Id just de exist
Ive also been exting like a horse and I am so so tired, and I hate to say it but baclfen makes me pee, like I dont know what and make me itvhy, really itchy-I reallly do not like it. Its not like diazepam at all ( not in my experience) Diazepam seems to work on the brain moreso than this stuff-wel for me, this stuff makes me feel loose , but my head is really really wound up-I definately think its true-see I think if i take this to a doctor thaeyll find some other reason for this reaction -by no way will it be the drug, I don really want to go to a doctorabout it.
Anyway, hope you have some hot lemsip and some good books or fimlms to watch so you can relax with your feet up , dont let the flu eat you and keep warm-youll be great once its gone. i actually am hoping to find someone to give me the flu so I can get some time off. Everytime is see someone with it, Im like rub your eye, wipe it on my hand and Ill rub my eye ( thank -you!) But no one will do it-tut! You could post it to me( Ha ha) anyway, thanks for the insightand keep warm and take care,
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Ouch! My filling fell out my baby tooth and now coffee hurts, , eating hurts .
Yes-I think you should go for the presiden position as you are very clever and Ii think youd make a good job of it.
Right-so do you think my symptoms are dur to frug interactions-soory baby tooth just hurting bad now-okay, right all ive been thinking about is putting a very sharp knife into him Its this-I asked him last night :"Are you going o move out?" are you-I cant believe you want the kids are practically begging you-they dont want to move. He said in Mr soft tone"No !Katy your not very well-your having panic attacks in the street and your just not well-im not going anywhere until you are better" WTf???????????
Ouch! Think I am going to have to go to the dentist this is sore.
Okay, and this is the other thing, I know im not a bad person, in fact I know I can be very friendly very cheerful and funny and I notice when others arent right even if I dont know themOuch! everytime I take a sip of coffee it hurts. Its my first coffeee of the day-goona have to leave it.
Then everytime I think about knifing him , I think get along to the doctors, and then I think the doctor want have time for me anymore, and then I think, I really need to go before I really do do it. Okay I can sip coffee to the sde of my face like I have a major dronk problem. Anyway, then I think I cant go tot the doctors I have too much on!
Came down the stairs to my flat and then up a set of stairs and got angry to the knowledge that him and his dad are collecting the children from school to go swimming-bloody routine -and I have no say,No flippin way am I signing any parental aggreeement with mr nice guy-my god thank god I didnt. Anyway, Im going to be sensible and make an appointment -grr, I always get nervous about dong so!
Then i think I better get an emergency app with my dentist as its my flippin baby tooth the only tooth I have with a filling -I dont want another abscess .
How are you feeeling, How is your flu? I would quite like a dose of flew at the moment ( yeah I should watch what i say, but I would as Id happily stay in bed and read-mind you gastric flu is pretty horrid and flu usually leaves you vomiting at some given point -well it does with me. Right now I am jibbering
Yes-I think you should go for the presiden position as you are very clever and Ii think youd make a good job of it.
Right-so do you think my symptoms are dur to frug interactions-soory baby tooth just hurting bad now-okay, right all ive been thinking about is putting a very sharp knife into him Its this-I asked him last night :"Are you going o move out?" are you-I cant believe you want the kids are practically begging you-they dont want to move. He said in Mr soft tone"No !Katy your not very well-your having panic attacks in the street and your just not well-im not going anywhere until you are better" WTf???????????
Ouch! Think I am going to have to go to the dentist this is sore.
Okay, and this is the other thing, I know im not a bad person, in fact I know I can be very friendly very cheerful and funny and I notice when others arent right even if I dont know themOuch! everytime I take a sip of coffee it hurts. Its my first coffeee of the day-goona have to leave it.
Then everytime I think about knifing him , I think get along to the doctors, and then I think the doctor want have time for me anymore, and then I think, I really need to go before I really do do it. Okay I can sip coffee to the sde of my face like I have a major dronk problem. Anyway, then I think I cant go tot the doctors I have too much on!
Came down the stairs to my flat and then up a set of stairs and got angry to the knowledge that him and his dad are collecting the children from school to go swimming-bloody routine -and I have no say,No flippin way am I signing any parental aggreeement with mr nice guy-my god thank god I didnt. Anyway, Im going to be sensible and make an appointment -grr, I always get nervous about dong so!
Then i think I better get an emergency app with my dentist as its my flippin baby tooth the only tooth I have with a filling -I dont want another abscess .
How are you feeeling, How is your flu? I would quite like a dose of flew at the moment ( yeah I should watch what i say, but I would as Id happily stay in bed and read-mind you gastric flu is pretty horrid and flu usually leaves you vomiting at some given point -well it does with me. Right now I am jibbering
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You need your doctor to check into the interactions, and since he didn't put you on Baclofen he won't mention the antabuse! You need different meds! I couldn't believe the reactions of the Beclofen! It sounds eXACTLY what you have been enduring doesn't it! GET SOME HELP!!!! Actually my youngest sons school has been put on alert for kids with h1n1! He had it, my girlfriend that cleans my house - cause I can't - just called and she has it too! So you never know! Anyway get to the bloody doctor woman!!!!! XD
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Hi Dawn-Ive been kicked of my computer on my laptop-thnak god its mine!
Whats hin!? Do you have it to ? What is it? Is it really serious?
Okay, well I met a mum friend who I met when Becca was a baby. She has a little girl in between my girls ages . She suffers with Ms, but choose not to take baclofen-she stated"Ifound it more damaging than the illness itself",told me I should just try rescue remedy,and that she could see I was on edge-it was great to see afamoloar face that just totally understood.
Anyway, I mad an appontment but couldnt see my own doctor until next week. I dont know how Im going tocope in the mean time-trying to just focus on my essays as an escape. well actually just seem to be doing reading which im sure is relevant. Im reading this article research thingy . Totell you the truth it hits harder than any blow could , when you read about the teenagers and children that come from alcoholic families and the consequences it bares for them are so undesireable that ive been crying while writing down the quotes. some are so so sad! I know Ive a drink problem and yes i reckon it will be there for life waiting to explode in front of me, but at the same time , this kind of readings really makes me think about what i am doing to my children or have done. I know the are still young, but for instance, with me, everytime I went to my dads house, theyd (him and his now ex) would be drinking until completely out of it. I neevr ever thought id foolow the same path-definately not to the same extent, but I still have abd it is a horrible nightmare to live and to think about considering the future in that minefield, is a huge fear of mine. yet, I still go back and drink-im getting there and the more things I read and the more people that report on it the more I really do not want this to eefect my children for the rest of their lives,Certainly , i dont think ive ever ignored their achievements, or neglected them in anyway, but I do think no matter how hard ive tried to cover my addiction from them , theyll still know about it.
It is in our family, but that is by no way in any way an excuse to abuse, but I am , in the back of mind, thinking i should expect some sort of repercussions from them. if that happens ill be waiting to support them , not judge or annoy them any further. God, it is horrible though.
Anyway, im ty[ing from my laptop as i have been kicked of the main computer as he wanted , just all of a sudden to attach the internet to the main tv.
Em-I dont know what to do about all these pills now. I kind of think I should lower the baclofen, and if things get really bad , take some diazepam, Ive got loads from the last time I saw my doctor , but the last thing I want to do is be a valium junkie-Ive only had one pill since my last panic episodes. saying as I hav had managed to use distractionto try and stop themIve not needed to take anymore. but today for wexample, i was shaking and trembling everytime i had to cross a road. if i have to stop , i start to think mental thoughts, that are totally not real, and think I am going to colapse.,.im not sure if my body wobbles or if it is my imagination. I hope its just my imagination, because in edinburgh you can colapse and people tend to ignore and carry on with their own business. if i colapse in glasow on the other hand, i am bound to get help. i do think theres a community there that watches out for others, but U just hope Im in the right place at the righ ttime, if that ever happens. in edinburgh if you hyperventilate , scream help anything like that people seem to ignore, yet on a different level theres still a sense of care amongst some people. There is definately a huge difference between the 2 cities though and its like ive said before, theres a reall menacing manuc culture thats frightening in both cities-but I DEFINATELY THINK THAT there is more of a protective thin in Glasgow-if youcolapse and turn green you are 75% more likely to get help than the 25% help from the attitusde of a stranger. Mind youo in glasgow people wear tack suits and greasy hair and believe me if a wegie decides a girl is attractive, they make it knjown and dont shy away. Its funny , here I get no interest from men, or its unknown to me, i jusrt walk down sauchiehall street in a skirt and have 3 wolf whistles in one day and thats with a pure hangover, and tripping face that could be used as a skipping rope ( sometimes0 Okay now im really gabboing. What is hin1? im concerned. will you all be allright???anyway, I suppose i better go and do some work. children have been swimming, and i resent him for not letting me see them, theyve missed me, they come in and give me a big soggie kiss on the cheek and the little one cuddles me so tight. I dry them and get them cuddled in their pyjammas, but boy, I cant wait until things change. Take care-what is hin!? im going to go and look it up-do you have it as you were complaing of feeling fluee?
Whats hin!? Do you have it to ? What is it? Is it really serious?
Okay, well I met a mum friend who I met when Becca was a baby. She has a little girl in between my girls ages . She suffers with Ms, but choose not to take baclofen-she stated"Ifound it more damaging than the illness itself",told me I should just try rescue remedy,and that she could see I was on edge-it was great to see afamoloar face that just totally understood.
Anyway, I mad an appontment but couldnt see my own doctor until next week. I dont know how Im going tocope in the mean time-trying to just focus on my essays as an escape. well actually just seem to be doing reading which im sure is relevant. Im reading this article research thingy . Totell you the truth it hits harder than any blow could , when you read about the teenagers and children that come from alcoholic families and the consequences it bares for them are so undesireable that ive been crying while writing down the quotes. some are so so sad! I know Ive a drink problem and yes i reckon it will be there for life waiting to explode in front of me, but at the same time , this kind of readings really makes me think about what i am doing to my children or have done. I know the are still young, but for instance, with me, everytime I went to my dads house, theyd (him and his now ex) would be drinking until completely out of it. I neevr ever thought id foolow the same path-definately not to the same extent, but I still have abd it is a horrible nightmare to live and to think about considering the future in that minefield, is a huge fear of mine. yet, I still go back and drink-im getting there and the more things I read and the more people that report on it the more I really do not want this to eefect my children for the rest of their lives,Certainly , i dont think ive ever ignored their achievements, or neglected them in anyway, but I do think no matter how hard ive tried to cover my addiction from them , theyll still know about it.
It is in our family, but that is by no way in any way an excuse to abuse, but I am , in the back of mind, thinking i should expect some sort of repercussions from them. if that happens ill be waiting to support them , not judge or annoy them any further. God, it is horrible though.
Anyway, im ty[ing from my laptop as i have been kicked of the main computer as he wanted , just all of a sudden to attach the internet to the main tv.
Em-I dont know what to do about all these pills now. I kind of think I should lower the baclofen, and if things get really bad , take some diazepam, Ive got loads from the last time I saw my doctor , but the last thing I want to do is be a valium junkie-Ive only had one pill since my last panic episodes. saying as I hav had managed to use distractionto try and stop themIve not needed to take anymore. but today for wexample, i was shaking and trembling everytime i had to cross a road. if i have to stop , i start to think mental thoughts, that are totally not real, and think I am going to colapse.,.im not sure if my body wobbles or if it is my imagination. I hope its just my imagination, because in edinburgh you can colapse and people tend to ignore and carry on with their own business. if i colapse in glasow on the other hand, i am bound to get help. i do think theres a community there that watches out for others, but U just hope Im in the right place at the righ ttime, if that ever happens. in edinburgh if you hyperventilate , scream help anything like that people seem to ignore, yet on a different level theres still a sense of care amongst some people. There is definately a huge difference between the 2 cities though and its like ive said before, theres a reall menacing manuc culture thats frightening in both cities-but I DEFINATELY THINK THAT there is more of a protective thin in Glasgow-if youcolapse and turn green you are 75% more likely to get help than the 25% help from the attitusde of a stranger. Mind youo in glasgow people wear tack suits and greasy hair and believe me if a wegie decides a girl is attractive, they make it knjown and dont shy away. Its funny , here I get no interest from men, or its unknown to me, i jusrt walk down sauchiehall street in a skirt and have 3 wolf whistles in one day and thats with a pure hangover, and tripping face that could be used as a skipping rope ( sometimes0 Okay now im really gabboing. What is hin1? im concerned. will you all be allright???anyway, I suppose i better go and do some work. children have been swimming, and i resent him for not letting me see them, theyve missed me, they come in and give me a big soggie kiss on the cheek and the little one cuddles me so tight. I dry them and get them cuddled in their pyjammas, but boy, I cant wait until things change. Take care-what is hin!? im going to go and look it up-do you have it as you were complaing of feeling fluee?
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Don't do anything with the meds OK? I want you to call him in the morning and say you are having a reaction to your medications - rash, hard time breathing etc. This will alert them to a reaction - as you are SUPPOSED to report any problems with medications - do you guys have walk in clinics there? If so try and do that! OR talk to your pharmacist and find out from them - they should have actually known!
H1N1 is the Swine Flu! Because we have a big pork producing industry here, and they were complaining that everyone stopped calling it Swine Flu - so they thought up the H1N1!!!!!!!
I STILL do not know why you were put on Baclofan!!! That doesn't make sense to me, it is for rigidity in people suffering from MS!!!! Like your friend! So phone and tell them you are having an allergic reaction! Glad to hear you are listening to me!!! IF you get in, this is the time to ask for some help with medications, and telling him how you are feeling!! OK?
H1N1 is the Swine Flu! Because we have a big pork producing industry here, and they were complaining that everyone stopped calling it Swine Flu - so they thought up the H1N1!!!!!!!
I STILL do not know why you were put on Baclofan!!! That doesn't make sense to me, it is for rigidity in people suffering from MS!!!! Like your friend! So phone and tell them you are having an allergic reaction! Glad to hear you are listening to me!!! IF you get in, this is the time to ask for some help with medications, and telling him how you are feeling!! OK?
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o.O The swine flu! Oh oh! Not good, hop eyou guys recover quick! I googled hin 1, and got a highly improtant night out-didnt think it would match.
Ill go to a chemsist then and ask my best route, as Im not at home until this evening, its my only option. God, had a nightmare last night, and just got up walked through to the kitchen and ate! What a weird thing to do. I now weigh just over 8 stone -which is amazing considering last week I was arund 7 11-then again my scales are propbably broken -cause if you saw my big fat beelie you would think me 5ft and 10 stone.
Anyway, hop eyou get over hin1 easily-ive got to go get a train, take care.
Ill go to a chemsist then and ask my best route, as Im not at home until this evening, its my only option. God, had a nightmare last night, and just got up walked through to the kitchen and ate! What a weird thing to do. I now weigh just over 8 stone -which is amazing considering last week I was arund 7 11-then again my scales are propbably broken -cause if you saw my big fat beelie you would think me 5ft and 10 stone.
Anyway, hop eyou get over hin1 easily-ive got to go get a train, take care.
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Hi dawn-its halloween! Im taking teh cildren out gysing later.
Okay, this time 2 years ago, som ewe drugged up body went and fired down my mums classroom-I get abit freaked out when guy fowkes is coming up!
OH--me being the alky that I am, drank loads last night and ate loads>I feel massiv enow and guilty-im an id**t!
I actually do not want to go back to that clinic. Its an open clinic-and sometimes even though I think the nurse woman is ovely, I cant bare it anymore. Technically these people are trying to help and so forth, but theyve not helped, theyve made me worse.The other thing that bugs me is this, Im open about what I drinkg, its not hidden, I dont hide it, plus I dont lie about the quantity I drink-though I might god damn well start tooo
...and if another person asks me ever again"do you have a drinki in the morning"-there will be an almighty massacre. How dare theyinsult me, and how dare they think im that bad? And anywaym they pull me up for it, but really my behaviour has not changed.One minute thereer giving me 80% for my work and passing incentives willlly ily they think my works improved cause im not drinking in the evening( well, the truth be told, I was)...they tell me my work was improving-i was doing much better ( eh!!! Wait a minute, my behaviour hadnot changed that much) and they tel me its much better. Months later, I carcak up ust a bit, go over my one bottle limit, have another glas, and they tell me-Im failing the company blah blah blh, I dont know Im not really happy about it-its almost like yeah I told you guys (openly) where I could have been totally isulted and taken them further ( that I drink) I didnt have to tell them -I could have liesd and sated that Id gurgled in ,outhwash or something before. They cant prove anthing .And thats another thing, i might go to work feeling tearful-well you would if you had him hanging around you( you would to if you had the history i have had) whats a wee drink if it calms you down and you are no longer psychotic? In my book a little drink is nothing compared to the magnitude of things that could be happening!
Dawn- im glad your a woman. i feel like sometimes I dont live in this world. Even my sister talks about sexx, and I dont really know what shes on about-and then I feel like im not living m ylife to the full. Im not obsessed or anything, I just cantand then like an imature teenager I get really embarassed about it-not I want to with him anyway, , But Ive not had that thing in years, and i feel like there must be something more in life than thta nayway. I remeber before, on the few occassions that we di- the following days I felt incredibly dirty, and acttually didnt want him to touch me
I can talk to you to-my sister knows that Im funny about it-but just states ill be fine once I get a new man( eh?) Okay, then she carries on to tellme about her riend-oh jesus- right so this guy and her get in close proximity, they go to bed and blah blah, eventually he puts her in the doggie position , pulls back her hair and says:"Dont stop f**k me" He carries on driving it up her rear end. The 2 ( and now) 2weks on, shes not got out of bed, as hes finished the relationship with her( never been rejected before) and she cant understand it-and feels she loved him...God, someon, kick me up the backside, I nearly throw up when I heardSorry, its just I know this person well and like her and dont think she deserves any of that.but apparently and in her own words, she stated that she enjoyed bedtime ( eh?)
By the sounds of things, i thnk Id rather carry on living like a child.
Thats the other thing-right-I get people saying"Life could be so much better" and then I think well you only think that because youve got it better or they tend to have sex every night-hence why hey dont drink blah blah...and they also stink of it- Why cant I say-"look your ate-whats your excuse, i have to get 2 children up organised and ready for school befor ecoming her, and yousmell a,and your late-whats your excuse?"2 people were late theother day and i was pacing the floor outside. it gets embarassing. Im fed up not telling-theyve told on me, they arent really friends, I mean theey are late everyday. On the 2 occassins I was late, i was actualy n holiday mode as my children were of, and the 2 occassins that I was late i had so much going on, and I was only 10 mins late ( at the most) Im never late-and I get shot down by management for being late, stinking and so on and so forth, i feel a little boile up about it to be really honest.
Then , just like the other day, management dont even come out their little closet, we carry on, not that im running about mad, but things go well, and no peeps pop out-I just think shop jobs and office job-oh and jobs are just bad. God forbid, I hope none knkows who the hell i amcause im lettin git out now.
Thats another little thing-do you rember that i said I was paranoid ? I got mre paranoid yesterday when the lecturere staed "You can teel alot about peole from their postcode alone" Thing is, Ive been doing that at my work anyway, takie in a erturn and jum p up a converstain about where they are form -its not so hard to do in scotland. The I went on to facebook and someone has joked about the post and that him and his grilfreind were in bad and he took 2 days to come-thats when I cme here. I just cant stand it anymore. jokes about I cant even stand that word, it doesnt exist, I dont understand it, acctually I do I have memories, but I dont kow if id ever want to ever again for the fear that it would be used against me. Im sure im going to throw up now, or that what ill do rpobably-I remeber my friend who died from anorexia, I remebr her well thinking about someone that had hurt her, yet she went back to bed and continued the deed, and so n ,, then she got up and naturally threw up . God, I missss her, but I dont know she said she never lost her appetite, and I nkow she didnt ( im ean for sex) god that was badly put, she must have though, how coudl you eat so little and still want to , plus it would be painful and plus a few boneds would have got broken, so she must have been lying about some of along the way. It also scares me, as I lost my grandad the same tim e she did, we both went through the endless not been able to sleep, eat , not wnting to talk thing, and it went on for months, ( I think it took me a year to get over it-not that I really did get over it-but to get rid of that pain-the sense of loss and how horrid it was for him, and to try and rember bfore he got sick) My friend didnt have that, she lost her grandad in a falsh, a blink. Its strange cause I remeber her like it was a day ago, I remenber our oconversationd, as though they were like sparkles of silver, I even renmeber thinking she had a really good sense of humour, , i even remeber the Mand s we wd go into for her sandwiches, that she rarely bought
See, I do know Im not an anorexic, as i love my food too much, plus i dont have that constant igging pain that was there when she started. plus, I think of it like this, if a chubbie weel rounded, vertically challenged person eats fat and craves fat, then its an addicitoiion a comfort, another blanket of skin over the few blankets allready acquired, its the same thing in anos, the addicition goes, for the fats, and the body like the loss of fats, and starts to rejct the fattie acids required to protect the bones, veins and blood, One thing though, is how can this work, if our bodies store up fat due to starvation. our bodies do store fats up, so then bring on the laxatives, the finger down the throat just so they feel cleaner, it does though, Ive do ne ti in one of my neeny episodes, wewhere I acant get my hair right and try and rip it out, toattaaaly feel grotesque, ripping hair out and kcikcin my slef in the leg and crying caus ei feel so ugly, then to pinching huge chinks of fat arounf my bellie and just totally self hate. I do get that and think with eating disorders all that is hidden but all that self loathing and emotino is there , and its there for one reason or another, and also that theory about men being egocentric, i dont get that, as some men are anorexic too, or fat, god im giving myself a headache,im going to go back to bed. the take kiddies out. Not coping to be honest.
Hope your flu gets better, take care.
Okay, this time 2 years ago, som ewe drugged up body went and fired down my mums classroom-I get abit freaked out when guy fowkes is coming up!
OH--me being the alky that I am, drank loads last night and ate loads>I feel massiv enow and guilty-im an id**t!
I actually do not want to go back to that clinic. Its an open clinic-and sometimes even though I think the nurse woman is ovely, I cant bare it anymore. Technically these people are trying to help and so forth, but theyve not helped, theyve made me worse.The other thing that bugs me is this, Im open about what I drinkg, its not hidden, I dont hide it, plus I dont lie about the quantity I drink-though I might god damn well start tooo
...and if another person asks me ever again"do you have a drinki in the morning"-there will be an almighty massacre. How dare theyinsult me, and how dare they think im that bad? And anywaym they pull me up for it, but really my behaviour has not changed.One minute thereer giving me 80% for my work and passing incentives willlly ily they think my works improved cause im not drinking in the evening( well, the truth be told, I was)...they tell me my work was improving-i was doing much better ( eh!!! Wait a minute, my behaviour hadnot changed that much) and they tel me its much better. Months later, I carcak up ust a bit, go over my one bottle limit, have another glas, and they tell me-Im failing the company blah blah blh, I dont know Im not really happy about it-its almost like yeah I told you guys (openly) where I could have been totally isulted and taken them further ( that I drink) I didnt have to tell them -I could have liesd and sated that Id gurgled in ,outhwash or something before. They cant prove anthing .And thats another thing, i might go to work feeling tearful-well you would if you had him hanging around you( you would to if you had the history i have had) whats a wee drink if it calms you down and you are no longer psychotic? In my book a little drink is nothing compared to the magnitude of things that could be happening!
Dawn- im glad your a woman. i feel like sometimes I dont live in this world. Even my sister talks about sexx, and I dont really know what shes on about-and then I feel like im not living m ylife to the full. Im not obsessed or anything, I just cantand then like an imature teenager I get really embarassed about it-not I want to with him anyway, , But Ive not had that thing in years, and i feel like there must be something more in life than thta nayway. I remeber before, on the few occassions that we di- the following days I felt incredibly dirty, and acttually didnt want him to touch me
I can talk to you to-my sister knows that Im funny about it-but just states ill be fine once I get a new man( eh?) Okay, then she carries on to tellme about her riend-oh jesus- right so this guy and her get in close proximity, they go to bed and blah blah, eventually he puts her in the doggie position , pulls back her hair and says:"Dont stop f**k me" He carries on driving it up her rear end. The 2 ( and now) 2weks on, shes not got out of bed, as hes finished the relationship with her( never been rejected before) and she cant understand it-and feels she loved him...God, someon, kick me up the backside, I nearly throw up when I heardSorry, its just I know this person well and like her and dont think she deserves any of that.but apparently and in her own words, she stated that she enjoyed bedtime ( eh?)
By the sounds of things, i thnk Id rather carry on living like a child.
Thats the other thing-right-I get people saying"Life could be so much better" and then I think well you only think that because youve got it better or they tend to have sex every night-hence why hey dont drink blah blah...and they also stink of it- Why cant I say-"look your ate-whats your excuse, i have to get 2 children up organised and ready for school befor ecoming her, and yousmell a,and your late-whats your excuse?"2 people were late theother day and i was pacing the floor outside. it gets embarassing. Im fed up not telling-theyve told on me, they arent really friends, I mean theey are late everyday. On the 2 occassins I was late, i was actualy n holiday mode as my children were of, and the 2 occassins that I was late i had so much going on, and I was only 10 mins late ( at the most) Im never late-and I get shot down by management for being late, stinking and so on and so forth, i feel a little boile up about it to be really honest.
Then , just like the other day, management dont even come out their little closet, we carry on, not that im running about mad, but things go well, and no peeps pop out-I just think shop jobs and office job-oh and jobs are just bad. God forbid, I hope none knkows who the hell i amcause im lettin git out now.
Thats another little thing-do you rember that i said I was paranoid ? I got mre paranoid yesterday when the lecturere staed "You can teel alot about peole from their postcode alone" Thing is, Ive been doing that at my work anyway, takie in a erturn and jum p up a converstain about where they are form -its not so hard to do in scotland. The I went on to facebook and someone has joked about the post and that him and his grilfreind were in bad and he took 2 days to come-thats when I cme here. I just cant stand it anymore. jokes about I cant even stand that word, it doesnt exist, I dont understand it, acctually I do I have memories, but I dont kow if id ever want to ever again for the fear that it would be used against me. Im sure im going to throw up now, or that what ill do rpobably-I remeber my friend who died from anorexia, I remebr her well thinking about someone that had hurt her, yet she went back to bed and continued the deed, and so n ,, then she got up and naturally threw up . God, I missss her, but I dont know she said she never lost her appetite, and I nkow she didnt ( im ean for sex) god that was badly put, she must have though, how coudl you eat so little and still want to , plus it would be painful and plus a few boneds would have got broken, so she must have been lying about some of along the way. It also scares me, as I lost my grandad the same tim e she did, we both went through the endless not been able to sleep, eat , not wnting to talk thing, and it went on for months, ( I think it took me a year to get over it-not that I really did get over it-but to get rid of that pain-the sense of loss and how horrid it was for him, and to try and rember bfore he got sick) My friend didnt have that, she lost her grandad in a falsh, a blink. Its strange cause I remeber her like it was a day ago, I remenber our oconversationd, as though they were like sparkles of silver, I even renmeber thinking she had a really good sense of humour, , i even remeber the Mand s we wd go into for her sandwiches, that she rarely bought
See, I do know Im not an anorexic, as i love my food too much, plus i dont have that constant igging pain that was there when she started. plus, I think of it like this, if a chubbie weel rounded, vertically challenged person eats fat and craves fat, then its an addicitoiion a comfort, another blanket of skin over the few blankets allready acquired, its the same thing in anos, the addicition goes, for the fats, and the body like the loss of fats, and starts to rejct the fattie acids required to protect the bones, veins and blood, One thing though, is how can this work, if our bodies store up fat due to starvation. our bodies do store fats up, so then bring on the laxatives, the finger down the throat just so they feel cleaner, it does though, Ive do ne ti in one of my neeny episodes, wewhere I acant get my hair right and try and rip it out, toattaaaly feel grotesque, ripping hair out and kcikcin my slef in the leg and crying caus ei feel so ugly, then to pinching huge chinks of fat arounf my bellie and just totally self hate. I do get that and think with eating disorders all that is hidden but all that self loathing and emotino is there , and its there for one reason or another, and also that theory about men being egocentric, i dont get that, as some men are anorexic too, or fat, god im giving myself a headache,im going to go back to bed. the take kiddies out. Not coping to be honest.
Hope your flu gets better, take care.
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This is weird. My ex has gone back to bed-flu like symptomes, my throat giving way, and im really crabbie-if I see nother episode of sarah bloody jane ill ened up in a coma-cant htin what to dress up as.. Why is it when he gets ill - hes seems to be floored, and he even still expects me to look after him. Do you think hes the h1n1 2 because he said he was aching and feeling really badly headachy and then he tried to open somehting last night and yelped like a baby as he was so sore. great, go dive my work cut out for me!Ok, Im not going back to bed, Ive the children. I am going to have a good ay today,
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(lol) Ive just been to the shop and walked home after a huge panic attack with a nig black wg on. Quite cool really. Then got in-managed to walk the street just as I have to -hes lying in bed.Opened the door , ran to the lou and threw up. IM fne now , than kgod.
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Hm, my um is going downhill. her guy didnt come home till 2am, and went back out at 730am. Shes thinking about going back to tthe west coast to take on a part time teaching job,
Managing to have some soup, and I ope it stays down
Dyed my hair. ex stressed that it was horrible and no longer blonde.
I supose Id bettergg o and do some work.
Managing to have some soup, and I ope it stays down
Dyed my hair. ex stressed that it was horrible and no longer blonde.
I supose Id bettergg o and do some work.
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Out of boredom and because hes winding me up-stating ive go an eating problem(I have not by the way-the only problem I have is him, alcohol, my fat arse, my sinuses, the problem with my oh nevermind) Right so I did my BMi, right if I type in im 5ft 5, and weigh 8stone 1.Im perfectly healthy.If I tyupe in 5ft 4 and weigh 8 stone , im underweight. Im 5ft 4 and a half.my body weight changes on a daily basiswow-ive just found you can play with the font colour-how coolIll do itin orange saying as its halloween. God I just dont want to do any work
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