I cant sleep!
Im worried!
Tonight I went to bed earlier than normal-he came home from work.I had left my bedroom door slighly open.He freaked me out, whne he closed it. First I was annoyed at my panic, second, i was annoyed at him for making me feel disturbed, now I cant sleeep as its as though hes, trying to quietly say"eff off"and second, it feels like he still has power to get too me-thoughIll never say to him about this.If he knows he has that, then he can win.
Ths mornign, i was screaming"youve done nothing since the day i found out I was keith cheqckers :$ Not very nice, I know, but true.I also note that his behaviour changes whne my sister is around.hes a different man.it makes me think that what he wanted.he used me ot get her, and now look.
Lying in bed, I do remeber someone warning me about what he was like-at the time I didnt believe that someone.Anyway-im going now, ..I can see me in a few weeks getting up in the middle of the night and sneaking out.Im thinking about my application form for housing-do you think I should have put that iwas a risk...to myself and ex as seriously considering murder? Do you think that would have sped it up a little? Or are they building my new house and then going to surprise me?
Also, as I cant make it to g tomorrow, Im going to study my bott off, especially if I cant sleep-whats the point in lying and winning about it?I better go beofre I get locked up for typing!Take care
Im worried!
Tonight I went to bed earlier than normal-he came home from work.I had left my bedroom door slighly open.He freaked me out, whne he closed it. First I was annoyed at my panic, second, i was annoyed at him for making me feel disturbed, now I cant sleeep as its as though hes, trying to quietly say"eff off"and second, it feels like he still has power to get too me-thoughIll never say to him about this.If he knows he has that, then he can win.
Ths mornign, i was screaming"youve done nothing since the day i found out I was keith cheqckers :$ Not very nice, I know, but true.I also note that his behaviour changes whne my sister is around.hes a different man.it makes me think that what he wanted.he used me ot get her, and now look.
Lying in bed, I do remeber someone warning me about what he was like-at the time I didnt believe that someone.Anyway-im going now, ..I can see me in a few weeks getting up in the middle of the night and sneaking out.Im thinking about my application form for housing-do you think I should have put that iwas a risk...to myself and ex as seriously considering murder? Do you think that would have sped it up a little? Or are they building my new house and then going to surprise me?
Also, as I cant make it to g tomorrow, Im going to study my bott off, especially if I cant sleep-whats the point in lying and winning about it?I better go beofre I get locked up for typing!Take care
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It doesnt matter if we are together or not. He willl always be able to abuse , and always be able to attack me in whatever, by whatever means he can, Im so pmtd and I dont know , Im even thinking about phoning the docs s o they can lock me up for a few nights, just for a prevention measure.
Anyway, I wa supposed to be going to Glasgow for my course today. he lied. he said he was working, but he kjust left the house with his golf clubs,Now unless hes planning to wjhack a few work colleagues with his clubs, I can tthink where else he might go. but its got me boiling. he will do anything to punish me and make my life difficult, when something good ever happens he stretches it to make it impossible, and I am left working inlittle shop jobs and doin petty mundane nonsense. even the children are we could ask a friend, ( as the usuale scenario goes0 but because Im still here, I dont feel like asking a friend. That would be using them and I dont want it to speread any further a field than its gone.
Now all hes left me is a school trip bill for each of my children and blood pressure, that Im hopring will drop me to the ground again!! Im definately getting out. the first thing Im going to do after dropping them off at school os ring housing and womans aid./ I hate feeling this trapped! Am I wrong in thinking this, is this selfish of me? I dont think it is.I still deal with my girlds,. and still tryong to improve me, and our futures, is it so selfish of me to want to do this? its like hes a child sneaking out the house, getting what he wants and emotionally blackmailing me. How much does golf cost? I know what i will be oputting in his tea-a new yale on the front door....."the words"This is my house chant around my head...and I really dont want to be living in his non dynamic wmomb!Its 2d!
There right rant over, Got to go now, get money for their trip. im going to email my tutors and hopefully get them to senfd me out the relevant details, Ill have to say im sicj though, if I say , blah blah blha, they eject me out! Rightok, hope your ok?
Anyway, I wa supposed to be going to Glasgow for my course today. he lied. he said he was working, but he kjust left the house with his golf clubs,Now unless hes planning to wjhack a few work colleagues with his clubs, I can tthink where else he might go. but its got me boiling. he will do anything to punish me and make my life difficult, when something good ever happens he stretches it to make it impossible, and I am left working inlittle shop jobs and doin petty mundane nonsense. even the children are we could ask a friend, ( as the usuale scenario goes0 but because Im still here, I dont feel like asking a friend. That would be using them and I dont want it to speread any further a field than its gone.
Now all hes left me is a school trip bill for each of my children and blood pressure, that Im hopring will drop me to the ground again!! Im definately getting out. the first thing Im going to do after dropping them off at school os ring housing and womans aid./ I hate feeling this trapped! Am I wrong in thinking this, is this selfish of me? I dont think it is.I still deal with my girlds,. and still tryong to improve me, and our futures, is it so selfish of me to want to do this? its like hes a child sneaking out the house, getting what he wants and emotionally blackmailing me. How much does golf cost? I know what i will be oputting in his tea-a new yale on the front door....."the words"This is my house chant around my head...and I really dont want to be living in his non dynamic wmomb!Its 2d!
There right rant over, Got to go now, get money for their trip. im going to email my tutors and hopefully get them to senfd me out the relevant details, Ill have to say im sicj though, if I say , blah blah blha, they eject me out! Rightok, hope your ok?
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Rang housing officer. She was great-have an appointment with her on Thrusday. So angry today, so worried. I know I have to keep this in...I know I want be able to and I am scared that I might lashout at him. I mean last night I had his dad over, while he was at work, fed his dad tea, and so on, ( it is the childrens grandad) but grrr-he just doesnt seem to have any sense of responsibility. or are my hormones going crazy? Probably, really wired. Right forgot to take chill pill, I better go hope to speak sooon.
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look,im scared-Ilocked hin out-told him to eff of and I cand hear him playing with the locks.my kids are sacred as he tiretd to brick my window in witch i s now cracked-nevre felt so low-about ot ring the police
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Well dawn, Im truly far gone now-god only knows whats going to heppen. He ended up being the ine to ring the police. The man I spoke to was quite understandigndespite me being in a bit of a state. im going to keep this short-yes I am ashamed at what a state i got myself in last night, and the rest-though to be honest...all i did was lock him out-in comparison to what he has done, that snothing. For him to turn around and call the police seems totaly ironic. Anyway, Im miserable, to ill to ring anyone, stomach is sore, ( my own fault) and pmtd so bad now. I wished theyd locked meup fro acouple of nights. Ive never cried so much in my life, and when the police left, I ran out this builfing. Honestly the number of men I saw beggin fown the street and it must have been abou 4-5am. I was aat that point planning from which spot would be the quickest and definately would kill spot to jump from-but for some reason I turne round sobbing, bite my arms over and over to take it away. I knkow I must have been pissed but I ddnt even feelit. It means though that this is definately over, i cant look at him, and in fact Iam going back under my duvet ive had it. Ill get back on track with the no drinking now, I have to as now thats the social workers involved, and I cant loose my children, I wil die if that hapens.
My mum has gone on holiday and yesterday she knew what he had done before I even rang her to tell her-she now thinks he is an evil bastard, but she doesnt know about what I did to him last nightOkay, going to sleep now.
My mum has gone on holiday and yesterday she knew what he had done before I even rang her to tell her-she now thinks he is an evil bastard, but she doesnt know about what I did to him last nightOkay, going to sleep now.
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Hmm-ok, so I was bad, nondisciplined. I wish theyd just have locked me up1
Anyway, i was thinking-now ive truly done it-but I haent! Im just thinking-I do this and I do that and I stop ffeding the good damn monkey banannas-if I keep goingon like \Ihave been i will end up in an assylum
The amosphere between him and I is really really bad. he closes the oor if I leave them slightly open and so on-but pff, I cant wait to clsoe the door on him and never let him near me again
Ok, when I was expecting my first , I was in a pure state of f***, where are we going to live and so n...His response would be"Stop it katy -shut up Katy....followed by we cant do anything about it on a sunday!" Well, here I am still iving in the same pit of worry-where are we going to live????12 years later and thinking the same thoughts. i try to chill out a bout it-but then I get angry as it was me that got this place for all of us. he even made me pick the new kitchen as his exact words were"Its your house"I did ask him to get out of bed and hep me pick but I thinhis response was something like this"Feck off-I dont care!" ( Sorry for the language here, but its almost like another feeling of i f I let her do this place up then she will wnat to stay...Am I being a psychotic b***h here? Am i / Its just i have a period fromhell, yes pain , clotting diahrrea( why is that word so fdiificult to spell?).
Today, Im going to put some clothes away, tidy a little. When his dad comes round Im goingt okiss my children goodbye and go watch a film...when I get home ill do some studying, go to bed, got to work the following day, fgo get prescription as I forgot ( weel actually had the children all last week and couldnt get down the road wihtout a great deal of fuss) i now wish I had as thenI wouldnt have gone raging bull like and did what I did on Friday. I rang my sister and to be honestr she wasnt very understanding....so she cant phone me pissed anymore as thats no support for me. Ive said that to her too,
I know this sounds stupid too, but I am having panic about christmas.i need this over before christmas. Ive exams after christmas to and a few essays to do in the mean time.Thats good though that will keep me occupied , and interested and hopefully help me to stop thinking about what he did, or what i did..God Im hot..sweat is pouring off me.
I wonder if your all right Im just letting it out now.I do know now theres is no going back this cyle cant keep going on..the washing machine has broken allready......i do think now it is more a two way thing of damage to each other, and the children...well Becca is pretending it isnt going to happen, and alex isnt feeling weel ( tinks she has swine flu-her frineds had suspected cases) and wants dady to grow up..Yeah I am feeling really low and lonely and dont want to talk to anyone. one minute though I have a glimpse of calm....think this...ill be fine..Ill always be alone now...thank god...and ill be independent.I sometimes think no ne cant tell me what to do, but thats rubbish, as i have children im bounded by the tails of society to behave, get a job, and do the dishes Call me bitter, but I think thats a bit c**p-considering society doesnt really take into account everyones individual needsFor instance, I cant drive and willl never be able too cars become a symbol of look, everyone else is speeding on and enjoying lives and I am stuck on my damaged feet( God Id be a right bitchIf I had a proper debilitating illness)
god im so hot and wsweaty..i dont think a mans deodarant could cover this up..
I was thinking-i think its me, as when someones ill they become dependant on others and childlike and then you have to accept that s whats heappening to you, then someone talles you to get it together pull your socks yup sort it out..your strionger thatn this...theres such a strong part of me now that believes this true, but i crumble at the slightest missed place thingyoud laugh at that if you saw my bedroom. I now have so many clothes everywhere.and underwear in cardboard boxxes, and the ironing pilled sky high against a wall in my childrens old abby bath..books for my course everywhwer, Notes everywhere, face masks everywhere. Its horrible though, my living rooms not so bad...everything in that room apart from the flat screen was provided by me, my mum and my dad..Im taking all of it. Hell be taking this compter as my dad gave us this, but he upgraded it so he sees its his. he thinks I should be giving him some money to pay for some of the bills that he has paid for..huh,,,and he thinks i should be well who caes. im not giving him any moneey as when I leave he willl be respondsible to paying child maintenance, on top of me getting help with the rent and council tax...therefore,Im all ready giving him too mcch. god I could go on, but im needing a bath! take care dawn. One day Ill be my bouncy happy self , and hopefully soon.
Anyway, i was thinking-now ive truly done it-but I haent! Im just thinking-I do this and I do that and I stop ffeding the good damn monkey banannas-if I keep goingon like \Ihave been i will end up in an assylum
The amosphere between him and I is really really bad. he closes the oor if I leave them slightly open and so on-but pff, I cant wait to clsoe the door on him and never let him near me again
Ok, when I was expecting my first , I was in a pure state of f***, where are we going to live and so n...His response would be"Stop it katy -shut up Katy....followed by we cant do anything about it on a sunday!" Well, here I am still iving in the same pit of worry-where are we going to live????12 years later and thinking the same thoughts. i try to chill out a bout it-but then I get angry as it was me that got this place for all of us. he even made me pick the new kitchen as his exact words were"Its your house"I did ask him to get out of bed and hep me pick but I thinhis response was something like this"Feck off-I dont care!" ( Sorry for the language here, but its almost like another feeling of i f I let her do this place up then she will wnat to stay...Am I being a psychotic b***h here? Am i / Its just i have a period fromhell, yes pain , clotting diahrrea( why is that word so fdiificult to spell?).
Today, Im going to put some clothes away, tidy a little. When his dad comes round Im goingt okiss my children goodbye and go watch a film...when I get home ill do some studying, go to bed, got to work the following day, fgo get prescription as I forgot ( weel actually had the children all last week and couldnt get down the road wihtout a great deal of fuss) i now wish I had as thenI wouldnt have gone raging bull like and did what I did on Friday. I rang my sister and to be honestr she wasnt very understanding....so she cant phone me pissed anymore as thats no support for me. Ive said that to her too,
I know this sounds stupid too, but I am having panic about christmas.i need this over before christmas. Ive exams after christmas to and a few essays to do in the mean time.Thats good though that will keep me occupied , and interested and hopefully help me to stop thinking about what he did, or what i did..God Im hot..sweat is pouring off me.
I wonder if your all right Im just letting it out now.I do know now theres is no going back this cyle cant keep going on..the washing machine has broken allready......i do think now it is more a two way thing of damage to each other, and the children...well Becca is pretending it isnt going to happen, and alex isnt feeling weel ( tinks she has swine flu-her frineds had suspected cases) and wants dady to grow up..Yeah I am feeling really low and lonely and dont want to talk to anyone. one minute though I have a glimpse of calm....think this...ill be fine..Ill always be alone now...thank god...and ill be independent.I sometimes think no ne cant tell me what to do, but thats rubbish, as i have children im bounded by the tails of society to behave, get a job, and do the dishes Call me bitter, but I think thats a bit c**p-considering society doesnt really take into account everyones individual needsFor instance, I cant drive and willl never be able too cars become a symbol of look, everyone else is speeding on and enjoying lives and I am stuck on my damaged feet( God Id be a right bitchIf I had a proper debilitating illness)
god im so hot and wsweaty..i dont think a mans deodarant could cover this up..
I was thinking-i think its me, as when someones ill they become dependant on others and childlike and then you have to accept that s whats heappening to you, then someone talles you to get it together pull your socks yup sort it out..your strionger thatn this...theres such a strong part of me now that believes this true, but i crumble at the slightest missed place thingyoud laugh at that if you saw my bedroom. I now have so many clothes everywhere.and underwear in cardboard boxxes, and the ironing pilled sky high against a wall in my childrens old abby bath..books for my course everywhwer, Notes everywhere, face masks everywhere. Its horrible though, my living rooms not so bad...everything in that room apart from the flat screen was provided by me, my mum and my dad..Im taking all of it. Hell be taking this compter as my dad gave us this, but he upgraded it so he sees its his. he thinks I should be giving him some money to pay for some of the bills that he has paid for..huh,,,and he thinks i should be well who caes. im not giving him any moneey as when I leave he willl be respondsible to paying child maintenance, on top of me getting help with the rent and council tax...therefore,Im all ready giving him too mcch. god I could go on, but im needing a bath! take care dawn. One day Ill be my bouncy happy self , and hopefully soon.
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Im still gilled with guilt from the other night. its driving me crazy!Keep going over it in my head and I find it really upsetting-Ive had a sore stomach most of today!
Wondering where you are, and how you are dawn?
I am supposed to be seeing the housing officer tomorow and I guess thats why Im sad. i am sad that its this.I am sad becuase I think I still have feelings for him ( which is mad) but I know I do because otherwise why would I feel so guilty about him being on his own without the children?
Anyway,ive got to go and do some studying.Which ive not been doing either, and i think your suposed to sleep and eat these subjects at this level-i aint so fsr-hopefully ill catch up. Hope to hear from you soon, take care
Wondering where you are, and how you are dawn?
I am supposed to be seeing the housing officer tomorow and I guess thats why Im sad. i am sad that its this.I am sad becuase I think I still have feelings for him ( which is mad) but I know I do because otherwise why would I feel so guilty about him being on his own without the children?
Anyway,ive got to go and do some studying.Which ive not been doing either, and i think your suposed to sleep and eat these subjects at this level-i aint so fsr-hopefully ill catch up. Hope to hear from you soon, take care
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dawn-Im down again! Ive so many things going through my head -you wouldnt believe.
Theres a firend of mine-that I was really close to, but as i found her opinion so forceful and so hypocritical, I was a useless chum to her. ive not been there for ner, not nearly enough in her times of need and it makes me feel sh*t. I used to always be there for her, alwayslisten and wed bounce our heads of each other, and even though she was a bit older -i grew really attached. Now she never rings, never comes for coffee, in fact, i really dont think she wants anything to do with me, yet I know how much she means to e and I know how much she adores my children. this person means a lot to me-i dont want to loose her friendship-but Im scared. Im scared Ive hurt her too.
I want to phone her- ask her for some advice, but the last tie I did , she was so stern with me-it hurt! It hurt because I knew what she was like, n the same position as me, well actually there, thats not correctly ture, and I hurt because now I feel like I am the abuser.in fact in all truths I can tell you , that as everything seeems to be my fault, it does turn on you, and everything becomes your fault!
Im distraught by the sytem. yes, he lawyer told me to do this and that and Ive folloewd his instructinos-but to be honest, Im oeeved with the system. told my lawyer what this guy had doen I told him, and he said it was not enough but go to w/aid-thats not, in my frank opinion a sfetay net for anyone.iam annoyed, I always get beaten up by the system anyway. Ill shall just give you an example, at school I was called a "slap dash cheeky little monley"It was the year my mum and dad split-I couldnt have cared less about school and reading abot Mcbeth-what a check this schol teacher had also hit my back hand for day dreaming-i still remeber her. she acted like she was the bees knees, trying to crack jokes all the time, but I hated her. i hated her to the point where I couldnt slee pat night. My parents were shocked by the report andby the fact she had sasked my to get tested for dyslexia. I did get tested but me and my dad had practiced and practeced spelling over and over to stop me feling stupid, he taught me techniques.like the b was a womans bump and the d was a lady with the big fat bum. But its more than that...its a total feeling .I think im stupid and never will catch up!so therfore have \i missunderstood everything like he states I have and this is not a d/a case.
Yes, ive had bruises, from him, but at the same time ive done some silly things to myself to wake me out of it-does that make sense?
a lot is drumming through my head at the monoment and its hard to make snese of the mish mash-but none of it is that bad1
Anyway-ive go tot go-hope you are okay
Theres a firend of mine-that I was really close to, but as i found her opinion so forceful and so hypocritical, I was a useless chum to her. ive not been there for ner, not nearly enough in her times of need and it makes me feel sh*t. I used to always be there for her, alwayslisten and wed bounce our heads of each other, and even though she was a bit older -i grew really attached. Now she never rings, never comes for coffee, in fact, i really dont think she wants anything to do with me, yet I know how much she means to e and I know how much she adores my children. this person means a lot to me-i dont want to loose her friendship-but Im scared. Im scared Ive hurt her too.
I want to phone her- ask her for some advice, but the last tie I did , she was so stern with me-it hurt! It hurt because I knew what she was like, n the same position as me, well actually there, thats not correctly ture, and I hurt because now I feel like I am the abuser.in fact in all truths I can tell you , that as everything seeems to be my fault, it does turn on you, and everything becomes your fault!
Im distraught by the sytem. yes, he lawyer told me to do this and that and Ive folloewd his instructinos-but to be honest, Im oeeved with the system. told my lawyer what this guy had doen I told him, and he said it was not enough but go to w/aid-thats not, in my frank opinion a sfetay net for anyone.iam annoyed, I always get beaten up by the system anyway. Ill shall just give you an example, at school I was called a "slap dash cheeky little monley"It was the year my mum and dad split-I couldnt have cared less about school and reading abot Mcbeth-what a check this schol teacher had also hit my back hand for day dreaming-i still remeber her. she acted like she was the bees knees, trying to crack jokes all the time, but I hated her. i hated her to the point where I couldnt slee pat night. My parents were shocked by the report andby the fact she had sasked my to get tested for dyslexia. I did get tested but me and my dad had practiced and practeced spelling over and over to stop me feling stupid, he taught me techniques.like the b was a womans bump and the d was a lady with the big fat bum. But its more than that...its a total feeling .I think im stupid and never will catch up!so therfore have \i missunderstood everything like he states I have and this is not a d/a case.
Yes, ive had bruises, from him, but at the same time ive done some silly things to myself to wake me out of it-does that make sense?
a lot is drumming through my head at the monoment and its hard to make snese of the mish mash-but none of it is that bad1
Anyway-ive go tot go-hope you are okay
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I hope you are well!
I managed to see my housing officer today and it was great . I feel less insecure about the future and ok, its still going to be hard, but if iam going to move, I said Id wait till after christmas-gives more time find an okaysh place to live.
I was really happy for a bit today-took my bott and went shopping again. decide pants and socks were required for bothme and the girls .
Managed to collect my prescription for baclofen up and -what a palava. Anyway, Ive not had anything to eat yet, so i better go and get some food-mind you im not hungry. Hope to hear form you soon. Im hoping your just on holiday.
I managed to see my housing officer today and it was great . I feel less insecure about the future and ok, its still going to be hard, but if iam going to move, I said Id wait till after christmas-gives more time find an okaysh place to live.
I was really happy for a bit today-took my bott and went shopping again. decide pants and socks were required for bothme and the girls .
Managed to collect my prescription for baclofen up and -what a palava. Anyway, Ive not had anything to eat yet, so i better go and get some food-mind you im not hungry. Hope to hear form you soon. Im hoping your just on holiday.
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Holy COW!!! I can't stay on long, it's my sons laptop!!!! I think you need to move before Christmas honey! Your obviously near the edge, you NEED to talk to your doctor! And have him assess you further, OR send you for an assessment! You have come too close to the edge honey! There's something else going on here, like I said I think it might be the course, it's too much for you and it is showing up in your actins and reactions! I'll talk to you tommorrow honey! Hang in there!
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Why do I need to see my doctor? Hmm- have a bad bruise on leg -its really red, bloody and purple.
Had a good laugh at uni today. met some nice girls that seem genuinel and friendly and were bvery helpful. Th eplace has totally changed and I am registerd now-I think it will be ok.
Keep forgetting to eat though.I dont even get hungry anymore.All ive today is a bottle of diet coke-but I am cooking so I am aware that I am forgetting to do the usual things that everyone does automatically.
How are you-you dont say. are you okay?
Had a good laugh at uni today. met some nice girls that seem genuinel and friendly and were bvery helpful. Th eplace has totally changed and I am registerd now-I think it will be ok.
Keep forgetting to eat though.I dont even get hungry anymore.All ive today is a bottle of diet coke-but I am cooking so I am aware that I am forgetting to do the usual things that everyone does automatically.
How are you-you dont say. are you okay?
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awe dawn-I cant get this out my head. That lecturere went on a bit about how a man thinks. Honestly, I was in knots, and im still laughing about it-do men honestly think like that? Me and this other girl were in stitches, for about 2 hours..Got a bit embarassing. did that thing where shes laughing so im laughing and couldnt look at her for her laughjing and me laughing. stop laughing!
Another girl printed out some things for me to read, and was just really helpful. at least I have one day a week of freedom, but as I have 3 assignment to do for the 18th, and a research propasl to come up with , I know Ill feel the stress. What If I cant write? My english is somewhat hmmm, how can I out it, unpredictable?
Its not the same though.I look for the social scientists that are just gaving fun, not taking life too seriously and so on, no one seems to be like that there. Everything seems a bit more work related. God, if any of them knew what i was like back then I dont think anyne would speak t o me. I guess I bettere pull my socks up then.
Its funny though. I start creating stupid theopries so I rember what the subject was about. I call it the woman opening the lemonade theory....thats one paragraph....but thats why I like it, caus eI make stupid riddels up to rember the point. Obvioudsly i cant write tht , but yeah, it sorts of reminds me a little about who I think I am .
Okay, Ive got to go, Family matters to discuss.
Oh yeah, hed agreed to phone my Ho last night, but Ive come home and hes bought me elmo-grrrr!!!! Why does he never take me seriously?
Another girl printed out some things for me to read, and was just really helpful. at least I have one day a week of freedom, but as I have 3 assignment to do for the 18th, and a research propasl to come up with , I know Ill feel the stress. What If I cant write? My english is somewhat hmmm, how can I out it, unpredictable?
Its not the same though.I look for the social scientists that are just gaving fun, not taking life too seriously and so on, no one seems to be like that there. Everything seems a bit more work related. God, if any of them knew what i was like back then I dont think anyne would speak t o me. I guess I bettere pull my socks up then.
Its funny though. I start creating stupid theopries so I rember what the subject was about. I call it the woman opening the lemonade theory....thats one paragraph....but thats why I like it, caus eI make stupid riddels up to rember the point. Obvioudsly i cant write tht , but yeah, it sorts of reminds me a little about who I think I am .
Okay, Ive got to go, Family matters to discuss.
Oh yeah, hed agreed to phone my Ho last night, but Ive come home and hes bought me elmo-grrrr!!!! Why does he never take me seriously?
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dawn_ i dont know what to do? Funding for my sourse sems difficult to find! Ive work on Monday_ i dont want to go back. i cant get out my bed, I cant cope with the children. Theres nothing wrong with me- i dont think I am depressed-I dont! but the idea of going back O mOnday makes me want to vomit-more than you could imagine-I dont want to go back!yet< i need my wee part time jobe more than ever. i feel really fat, really big!
My sister sat on the phone and gave me her man probs for hours.well it was about a box of chocolates-honestly I spent probably about 2 hours wanting to go bye-she goes all huffy and I mean she literally records the amount of time you spend with her on the phone.
Mums home, so gave her an update until thephone battery ran out.
Im too tired to type now, so going to bed, take care, Hope your all right! His laugh makes me , well it gives me the dry boke! Sorry for being so crude, but its the truth!
My sister sat on the phone and gave me her man probs for hours.well it was about a box of chocolates-honestly I spent probably about 2 hours wanting to go bye-she goes all huffy and I mean she literally records the amount of time you spend with her on the phone.
Mums home, so gave her an update until thephone battery ran out.
Im too tired to type now, so going to bed, take care, Hope your all right! His laugh makes me , well it gives me the dry boke! Sorry for being so crude, but its the truth!
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I dont know whats the matter with me. I just lost it completely s bad that I cant do anything. This flats a mess! The truth be tole -well I think its saddistic or something. i asked him about leaving last night -what was happening. he returned my question with"so youdont want to go for a bath then?" Okay, ive not taken any medication lately-I dont wwant , i dont feel i need it-until just now-he turns of all the lights and literally has me locked in a room-yet i get yeah -a bath woulfd be good, and today I am so angry and fed up and I know I am incapable of murder so thats ruled out.Even though I have a spportive mum , i fnd it , well I feel like she uses it just to see the children-not me, yet I know she cares/This flat is driving me mad-my bruise is driving me mad-where id it come from? i want to scream louder than anyone-but I dont want anyone to care. I dont want really and truthfully to be nere. I think I need a ttal break from everyone. and then mabe i could pull my socks up. i dont /cant go back to work-the idea of it is making me rench and thats nto because the peole ar ebad or anything like that, its because its the entire picture. it was an escape from here, yet i guess ive done nothing good in that place, but as its was an escape, and Ive now taken my family life to work with me, its no longer anything except a memory of the big picutre., No one can be me, not there Im ten years older than most there and get given attitude and take it. Its not that though-its im left behnid...I cant even get doing with the housework.It stottally unappealing andI feel like hes left it deliberately as its "womans work"-I have not really been this bad before. i ended up screminf and swearing I don tdo that not normally, but I just liost it.Sorry I m wrecked, Im ruinned there isnt a place for me on this planet I dont fi. That primary school teacher that stsed I was " a slpadash cheeky little monkey" wasnt far wrong, meanwhile hitting the back of my hand with a ruler-I dont care, shes another that should have been struck off. Cow! God . i remeber her taking me out the class for smiling and day dreaming, and being quizzed"whats wrong?" f**k off, If I wanted to tell anyone it wouldnt be you -what a pure b***h/Ill never forget that day I was about 10, and she was interegating me, I wasnt allowed to tell people what was going on....eff offf!!! and and she wsas a teacher that had just callled me a slap dash lazy cheeky little monkey and she wanted to know my innner most thoughts. get a life you cow-She reminds me of him ...bloody bastard f**k off!!! Hey I have panic attacks in the street cant breathe and cry and scream and and you want a bath with me-fcuk off, sorry This should be hoim Iam shouting at = but I cant.
Im going to go to bed now, I should have done earlier but whats the point, Put the kids Harry Potter on and there ok. I dont know what Im going to do now. Thinking about moving in to my mum dads house and staying there for a bit. this is pointless, Even tis city makes me depressed. it reminds me of being a child and of him. i need to move out of here. Right sorry for the swearing earlier it wasnt targeted or geared to anyone especially you Dawn , reading this - god and it sounds like im spinning in circles I am im spinning in circles at 100000000mph.
Im going to go to bed now, I should have done earlier but whats the point, Put the kids Harry Potter on and there ok. I dont know what Im going to do now. Thinking about moving in to my mum dads house and staying there for a bit. this is pointless, Even tis city makes me depressed. it reminds me of being a child and of him. i need to move out of here. Right sorry for the swearing earlier it wasnt targeted or geared to anyone especially you Dawn , reading this - god and it sounds like im spinning in circles I am im spinning in circles at 100000000mph.
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