Anyway- ive drawn quite an interesting picture all over those documents-so if he wants me to sign anything ( oh do you know what-he couldnt afford the court fees, ) so binning them!
I hate how theres such a peeking order-and even though im there mum , im lower than the cat.
Im being bombarded with emails from other fellow students asking me if ive started to study for my exams and what subject im doing. answer is No NO NO-and everyday its "Ill start tomorrow".
theres a nurse on my course that aminister ECT-do you think i should ask for a go?
I hate how theres such a peeking order-and even though im there mum , im lower than the cat.
Im being bombarded with emails from other fellow students asking me if ive started to study for my exams and what subject im doing. answer is No NO NO-and everyday its "Ill start tomorrow".
theres a nurse on my course that aminister ECT-do you think i should ask for a go?
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Hmm heres me kicking off "I might as well be ivisible:Kids have orgamised a sleep over here with friends. Im shattered-the last thing I need! Anyway, so Im doing the screeching thing -heartburn and my head is banging. I want a bloody drink, anyway so as I say again :actually it would be quite good if I was invisble:Becca walks into me, and emphasises the point, she starts to blether on about superpoweres and I start to come back gee yeah thtats righ twhat a goof brilliant idea...really right now I want to cry. then richard comes back with "are you being seriou?: I was! Oh well I guess you can see the funny side. anyway thats nto why i cam her -to moan on - I cam here to ask you Dawn a question.
I notice that you are a really giving person-and you know I was alot more patient and kind possibly 4 years ago or os-before my sister moved in and did her teacher training withus here. Anyway, I feel like ive nothing left to give..and thats how it all started, but I want to be more like you.more giving, you even do it for the likes of me-how can I get that back?
I notice that you are a really giving person-and you know I was alot more patient and kind possibly 4 years ago or os-before my sister moved in and did her teacher training withus here. Anyway, I feel like ive nothing left to give..and thats how it all started, but I want to be more like you.more giving, you even do it for the likes of me-how can I get that back?
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Thankyou! I would suggest giving help on here! You have a LOT of education and insight into medical and pshychological probelms and psychiatry, so why not start helping someone on here!? I think this would be good for you - as it is for me - because then I know that someone has it FAR worse than I do, and it helps me see the biggest picture! You are in the state I was, "WOE is me!" So you need to realize and talk to others in FAR worse states than you! I always used to say "Oh there's FAR worse people in the world than me - which is true" BUT why can't I be in pain, and be pissed off about it?!
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Thats how I think though=and it becomes a self torture! My mum thinks I should do voluntary work in the sick kids- despite needing money-and I think its true -you can just stew in your own juices for far too long! Im a little bit scared though-cause as youve seen today, ive a bit of me that takes the piss without really meaning anything harmful-though I do realise the seriousness, so how can I be so slefish and sensitive adn insensitive towards others?
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So i have read a bit of this post here and there and first off bambi you are amazing!!! the ongoing support and keeping on track is awesome...if only there were more of you! just someone who listens.
Daftydil...you situation is hard and upsetting, there are many women out there in your same position...just like bambi was...If i were you i would definately look into some support groups for you around your area, being on here and talking to bambi is great!! a great support!! but i feel as though you don't have enough support around you, someone to talk to and physically help you, a support group would allow you to make friends, someone who understands you and can physcially help you out (ie.watch you children, look for affordable housing with you, go out for tea or some shopping or even help you go to the doctors and talk to your lawyers all about whats going on when feel as though you can't) friends are great but it's hard when no one really knows what your going through. You don't have enough physical support, don't don't have you mom, or your sister or the man your living with. You need some positive support from people who can understand what your going through. So find some local support groups!! Bambi is great and has done so much and will contiue to listen and be your support, you guys seemed to really connect! :D but you need someone to physically help get you going! you can't change if you don't want too..its hard and change isn't an easy thing! its hard to change what we've known all our lives and are about to entre the unknown, we haven't been taught how to handle a particular situation, so we stick with what we know, even when its not good for us. Someone needs to break the cycle and take a risk! whats the worst that can happen? and what can happen if you don't? I REALLY WANT YOU TO ANSWER THAT!!
can i ask you 2 more questions?
1. are you happy with your life and where your at?
2. if you could live your dream life, what would it look like? (realistically that is, we would all want rainbows and gummy bears)
Daftydil...you situation is hard and upsetting, there are many women out there in your same position...just like bambi was...If i were you i would definately look into some support groups for you around your area, being on here and talking to bambi is great!! a great support!! but i feel as though you don't have enough support around you, someone to talk to and physically help you, a support group would allow you to make friends, someone who understands you and can physcially help you out (ie.watch you children, look for affordable housing with you, go out for tea or some shopping or even help you go to the doctors and talk to your lawyers all about whats going on when feel as though you can't) friends are great but it's hard when no one really knows what your going through. You don't have enough physical support, don't don't have you mom, or your sister or the man your living with. You need some positive support from people who can understand what your going through. So find some local support groups!! Bambi is great and has done so much and will contiue to listen and be your support, you guys seemed to really connect! :D but you need someone to physically help get you going! you can't change if you don't want too..its hard and change isn't an easy thing! its hard to change what we've known all our lives and are about to entre the unknown, we haven't been taught how to handle a particular situation, so we stick with what we know, even when its not good for us. Someone needs to break the cycle and take a risk! whats the worst that can happen? and what can happen if you don't? I REALLY WANT YOU TO ANSWER THAT!!
can i ask you 2 more questions?
1. are you happy with your life and where your at?
2. if you could live your dream life, what would it look like? (realistically that is, we would all want rainbows and gummy bears)
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p.s. its up to you to make a change, if you want it, no one is going to do it for you...its in YOUR control...you HAVE control over what your outcome is for you and your daughters, and ONLY you!! NOT him, but YOU!!
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To Guest! GREAT advice! Especially about the part of how great i am!!!! LOL ;-) XD I think this will help Katy too - hearing from someone else! As I said to a young boy - I've been talking too! "That 1st step IS the hardest, the others just follow!"
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Hi Dawn- Guest!
Guest-first of ...thats a great ides :D Thanks, and if only I could get a support group and someone who knows me to get my fat arse shifted I would. Youve probably heard of Bismatrck etc opportunists-the thing is that, need to be highlighted ( wether im the abuser here or not, is that people like him do whats best only for him, makes sure their happiness is theirs and ( what I dont get) almost not to be shared.
I didnt realise before. Ive been in this place for far too long and now over night my poistion is worsened still!
Though, and what others dont know or get, is that ive known about it, imn myself for longer ( i mean muchlonger) but hiden it. Thinking"its not happening" It wil be okay! he ll be lovely tomorrow and all this will be forgotten thoughts. he doesnt mean it-this is just him reacting badly, blah blalh blah-so I delat with it like that for year s, and I blame some old victorians for making some men think the way they do! It starts with being pregnant ( dont know how that happened-as Dawn knows!) and follows with nicetties like "Dont you worry Ill bring home the bacon" Followed by...having a baby, they put their feet up and you run round like a skivvy for their entire family with bits of your body trailing behind you and your babay screaming for attention and then your told owe-shes depressed. shes got "Post natal depression" and then the not knowing when theyd come home, not knowing where we would stay not knowing what shifts he would be working...then realising that i dont think it was emhe wanted in the first place, He wanted my sister..Great stuuf...2 kids, packed in a long wish for what I had wanted to do ...and DONT GO THERE as my fingers have just been burnt sO YOU cry , you get upset, you ask..."When willl you be home?" !) because you want to know how long theyll be peace and quiet with you and your children. 2) To plan some me time. 3) To get organised for dinner etc.... His reply would be"I dont know ....around 730ish...... Okay thats the good days, thats when we had the baby moon etc...but dont effing burn the dinner or put too much chilli sauce in there hmm
Then the moaning. I was a moan! ( I was!),,,followed by a punch with my 3 week old in a sling and a hoover in my hand...I had been moaning as wed been kicked out our rented accomodation, 2 kids to feed, christams coming up and I didnt know where or what or if wed have a front door-i dont know why I didnt run then, why did I not run then wat a effing stupid cow!
Anyway, that was the early days....SOORY ! I dont know Ive side tracked there because....Last night here///Its all tactics, its not like my mum and dad...theres not been any physical violence of late ...its tactics, and he is using the children todo this and its making me sick , but making me binge eat too , and then sick! Anyway, thats what I mean...hes learnt that if he hits me..or physically hurts me, or does anything obviuos, that folks will know once again, and that will be the end for his fun so I dont think its even a threat like that...Its all tactics. Like I said last night he wants me to not exist and hes doing it I want to be invisible so he cant see, feel touch or hurt me, I know now that he hates me!!! in away its a real relief, but im no good at these game things.....Last night-now this is embarassing..I tried to speak to him, I mean how can he be happy , how can he think this is fine-but hwes not scared of anything from what I can see. i cant say what i really think here as its not fair on him or anyone else with the kind of loss hes dealing with, but im finding his reaction weird...im sorry, but I know ive moaned about my mum, byut my mum even though sometimes annoying ( apparently its their job tp be) my mum is consistent love or no love and when she goes, I dont think ill be able to talk to anyone or anything) My mum knows that...The boy that found her rubbled up car on the eay to school that morning and rang for an ambulance whilst my school bus was parkd right to my mum and sister and I wasnt allowed near them is when I think things wen all wrong for me....jor right...i dont know whci...that guy jumped of the bridge at Carlton hill..because he thought the worl wsa against him. he died 2 weeks later, and I still think about him! Anyway, yes im all over the place....my point being someone like him ( my whatever he is) are so clever and good at thining ahead, that Its check mate everyday!
Ill give you another example. he knows ive not been well for some time..I mean not me at all. I used to be fun...mind you i was just more focuse on my children and more protective,Now I realise theres only a few things , if any that I am able to protect them from...anyway....another example is choking and feeling sick and not being able to cope...so hell caringly say"Go to the doctors Ill make you an appointment if you like" Knowing that ive been at my doctors far too much and that they are fed up with me...thats another thats what I mean there are ways for him to trun absolutley anything against me. Even my lawyer , on reflection, I couldnt get the words out ..and believe me it did get to ap oint where I wanted to dsya yes. he bloddy batters me every nigth damn hard. its just ive the most special skina and it just doesnt bruise ...Like I like a drink ...im indestructable, cant you tell from me reeeking of alcohol , cant you tell, most other folks would be dead by now? Stupid man, and because your like that ...you then have ....that poor wee man having to live with that b***h ...what a shame./...ahving to deal with a mum whose an alcoholic..........
Ah yes...an alcoholic.....You feel guilty when someone satys that to you ...because most people associate drink with fun. Thats what most people do....lets celebrate! Drinking nots even fun, I can honestly say, I dont like ti, buts its allso my heaven ..it takes the pain away btter than any dreary antidepressant that makes you feel sick and gives you the runs...Its fyn and it helps you to think new ideas, butmost importantly for me its calming...it helps me not to shout and screma and it tkaes the empty" whats the matter with me...ive never managed to have a successful partner.." I ve always been the one to get dumped and trodden on...it must be the squint, the penis eyed, and the head leaning to one side. Weel put it this way I wasnt blessed with looks, though Ive got 2 eeyes a nose and a mouth so cant complain. So having a few wee fgasses of wine caused me some happiness and relief and was my best friend and then everyone wanted to take that/wants to take my only piece of relief away, the only thing that gets me through thte day and start of the evening..is the thought that by 9 om, illbe sitting sippin away and maybe even phoning people or anything to get out this life.
Uh yes...so you go for help! You go for help..and you get fed back with convictin:YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC: "when you going to do something about it?" HURRY UP .....
So you get that
you feel guilty, no one understand, and why does no one really talk about any of it or why does no one ask questions and why have i been in this relationship for 12 year and let it happen to me, and why doesnt anything good ever happen..Its all bad luck I must say. When I did finally push housing they changed the system so now you bid for crappie houses in really crappie area. ( SO NO, im not bloody happy)
Sercond, theres the ..it cant be that bad thinking otherwise she would have moved her butt...First off, when your getting hurt etc you have to find ways to breath through the pain to try and survive it, you cant look to the future or see one for that matter , You do all you can to survive it, and that includes being strngled etc . that includes the worst kind of choking incidences in thei shouse the thing I hate most him doing is forcing me to ..cant go there.
Third, is shes must be a c**p mum because she drinks..Ive sat aexams 2007 after mopping my childs sick off the carpet, tucking her in bed at 1pm in the morning to open up maths books , and a bottle of wine followed by another to sit an exam the following day at 10 am and pass with an 87% A grade...that what I mean, it doesnt necessarily make you a walking jakey, some people over ompensate when hungover, after a long period opof drinking you can tell if you are in lallaland, or when its going to happen
Fourthly david cameron pls dont come to edinburgh...mind you it sprobablymroe than thatcher did...Did Maggie Thatcher know that Scotland existed?
Fourthly and more worryingly, I think I do have some MH issues, eithout this situation etc and I dont think people think I have so its a bit like hitting you r head of a very ahrd brick wall or a very bouncy elastic band
Anyway..I need to get it together. In answer to guest question Im not happy. and in answer to his 2nd question I cant see a way out..i really cant.ive just been billed for my course and ther going now to start court proceedings and I cant get it funded and that was all I had to shed some light on my future. Its not even vocatinal enough to get aided by a Mba award, but the phD was funded and gave you placements and a bursary to get tyou going, but I cant get on the phd course until I have this qualification -and that was my last hop, my last hope of liveig any kind of futre of having any kind of existsence. yes, it was making me sick , and yes it was hard jut trying to get the work don, but it was a stepping stone to even just having a dream of what I could do with my life. now that s gone, my children have gone to the swin gpark with daddykins. Im still in my pyjammas thinking what a mess up! Im no longer a great favourites of doctors and lwayers, they should be experienced , and should be able to see past all this...but my lawyer cerainly id not help me...in fact my lawyer had me last priority in his filling system and really didnt treat me well when I THINK about it...I also think the "legal aid label " is a bit like the "Alcoholic label"
My doctor spoke with me the other dasy tpo. he took his time and sometimes I think hes a really kngd guy, but then other times think he doent really get me....he did give me the impression that I ahd had all the spport in the world that I could have and that therefor I would have moved out by now and changed. It got me really upset so upset that I dont want to be reliant on medication to stop me crying in the streets when I go out or think about my own end. the truth If I had the confidence and the self respect in the fisrtst place. like ( Hi dawn) like Dawn had said " I feel im never not quite good enough" had I crippled that a long tim ebefore now i would have thought more value of me and not let any of this happen?
In my fourth year , when I was 20...i had just spent my 3rd year nursing my dying grandad with my mum , and after he left i got really depressed, I ended going home for the siummer and not speaking to friend properly. i gave up drinking, i didnt speak to anyone, and then I paniced to get back to foruth year to finish my course so took a ground floor bedsit . It was the biggest mistake of my life........and That wouldnt have happened to me either had I the self respect and slef worth I would never have eneded up there I would have plodded through it and I would have kept my communication up withmy friends. and one thing Ill never forget wwas one of my friends who drove about in a yellow sports car -brand shiny nes and had the top notch handbag and mobile phone saif"How could anyone so clever get in this mess? In fact no one stupid could get themselves in theis mess....anyway, things happened I d get pissed every night as I was too scared to go home to my bedsit and whn I say pissed by the way, you are talkin 12 to 13 pints of jakey juice and possibly some vodka in between...The followed by the Im shattered I better go home, to sobriety and total fear. when it was happening no one really listened . In fact it was at fierst made into a cracking joke....whats Katy doing to night....ah yeas...shell be watching out the window for entertainkment.....breking news headlines flash before your nose to take to frineds to phtot copy and take to the police station that jsut practically laughed about it day in and day out. its a bit like going to the doctors abd crying wolf, over and over again round and round my head, and even 13 nearly years later i still cant et over it and it keeps hapeening again and againa and agian to me, and no one talkes or asks questions about it...its just TAKE RESPONSIOBILITY BEAMED and homed in on me...and then theres lonely old me,,,cant even get a decent job, 33 years of age ....had 2 kids and cant even be bothered to work for them and they are the most beatiful childrne on this planet. Alex is lovely , she very very clever too, and Becca isnt as obviuosly clever bout Im her mum and I know shes a bloomer.Anyway, Im waffling I nee to go So No Im not happy and dont see a future because I feel like my mothers aristin washing machin e...on and on and on and on and on andopn andon!
Guest-first of ...thats a great ides :D Thanks, and if only I could get a support group and someone who knows me to get my fat arse shifted I would. Youve probably heard of Bismatrck etc opportunists-the thing is that, need to be highlighted ( wether im the abuser here or not, is that people like him do whats best only for him, makes sure their happiness is theirs and ( what I dont get) almost not to be shared.
I didnt realise before. Ive been in this place for far too long and now over night my poistion is worsened still!
Though, and what others dont know or get, is that ive known about it, imn myself for longer ( i mean muchlonger) but hiden it. Thinking"its not happening" It wil be okay! he ll be lovely tomorrow and all this will be forgotten thoughts. he doesnt mean it-this is just him reacting badly, blah blalh blah-so I delat with it like that for year s, and I blame some old victorians for making some men think the way they do! It starts with being pregnant ( dont know how that happened-as Dawn knows!) and follows with nicetties like "Dont you worry Ill bring home the bacon" Followed by...having a baby, they put their feet up and you run round like a skivvy for their entire family with bits of your body trailing behind you and your babay screaming for attention and then your told owe-shes depressed. shes got "Post natal depression" and then the not knowing when theyd come home, not knowing where we would stay not knowing what shifts he would be working...then realising that i dont think it was emhe wanted in the first place, He wanted my sister..Great stuuf...2 kids, packed in a long wish for what I had wanted to do ...and DONT GO THERE as my fingers have just been burnt sO YOU cry , you get upset, you ask..."When willl you be home?" !) because you want to know how long theyll be peace and quiet with you and your children. 2) To plan some me time. 3) To get organised for dinner etc.... His reply would be"I dont know ....around 730ish...... Okay thats the good days, thats when we had the baby moon etc...but dont effing burn the dinner or put too much chilli sauce in there hmm
Then the moaning. I was a moan! ( I was!),,,followed by a punch with my 3 week old in a sling and a hoover in my hand...I had been moaning as wed been kicked out our rented accomodation, 2 kids to feed, christams coming up and I didnt know where or what or if wed have a front door-i dont know why I didnt run then, why did I not run then wat a effing stupid cow!
Anyway, that was the early days....SOORY ! I dont know Ive side tracked there because....Last night here///Its all tactics, its not like my mum and dad...theres not been any physical violence of late ...its tactics, and he is using the children todo this and its making me sick , but making me binge eat too , and then sick! Anyway, thats what I mean...hes learnt that if he hits me..or physically hurts me, or does anything obviuos, that folks will know once again, and that will be the end for his fun so I dont think its even a threat like that...Its all tactics. Like I said last night he wants me to not exist and hes doing it I want to be invisible so he cant see, feel touch or hurt me, I know now that he hates me!!! in away its a real relief, but im no good at these game things.....Last night-now this is embarassing..I tried to speak to him, I mean how can he be happy , how can he think this is fine-but hwes not scared of anything from what I can see. i cant say what i really think here as its not fair on him or anyone else with the kind of loss hes dealing with, but im finding his reaction weird...im sorry, but I know ive moaned about my mum, byut my mum even though sometimes annoying ( apparently its their job tp be) my mum is consistent love or no love and when she goes, I dont think ill be able to talk to anyone or anything) My mum knows that...The boy that found her rubbled up car on the eay to school that morning and rang for an ambulance whilst my school bus was parkd right to my mum and sister and I wasnt allowed near them is when I think things wen all wrong for me....jor right...i dont know whci...that guy jumped of the bridge at Carlton hill..because he thought the worl wsa against him. he died 2 weeks later, and I still think about him! Anyway, yes im all over the place....my point being someone like him ( my whatever he is) are so clever and good at thining ahead, that Its check mate everyday!
Ill give you another example. he knows ive not been well for some time..I mean not me at all. I used to be fun...mind you i was just more focuse on my children and more protective,Now I realise theres only a few things , if any that I am able to protect them from...anyway....another example is choking and feeling sick and not being able to cope...so hell caringly say"Go to the doctors Ill make you an appointment if you like" Knowing that ive been at my doctors far too much and that they are fed up with me...thats another thats what I mean there are ways for him to trun absolutley anything against me. Even my lawyer , on reflection, I couldnt get the words out ..and believe me it did get to ap oint where I wanted to dsya yes. he bloddy batters me every nigth damn hard. its just ive the most special skina and it just doesnt bruise ...Like I like a drink ...im indestructable, cant you tell from me reeeking of alcohol , cant you tell, most other folks would be dead by now? Stupid man, and because your like that ...you then have ....that poor wee man having to live with that b***h ...what a shame./...ahving to deal with a mum whose an alcoholic..........
Ah yes...an alcoholic.....You feel guilty when someone satys that to you ...because most people associate drink with fun. Thats what most people do....lets celebrate! Drinking nots even fun, I can honestly say, I dont like ti, buts its allso my heaven ..it takes the pain away btter than any dreary antidepressant that makes you feel sick and gives you the runs...Its fyn and it helps you to think new ideas, butmost importantly for me its calming...it helps me not to shout and screma and it tkaes the empty" whats the matter with me...ive never managed to have a successful partner.." I ve always been the one to get dumped and trodden on...it must be the squint, the penis eyed, and the head leaning to one side. Weel put it this way I wasnt blessed with looks, though Ive got 2 eeyes a nose and a mouth so cant complain. So having a few wee fgasses of wine caused me some happiness and relief and was my best friend and then everyone wanted to take that/wants to take my only piece of relief away, the only thing that gets me through thte day and start of the evening..is the thought that by 9 om, illbe sitting sippin away and maybe even phoning people or anything to get out this life.
Uh yes...so you go for help! You go for help..and you get fed back with convictin:YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC: "when you going to do something about it?" HURRY UP .....
So you get that
you feel guilty, no one understand, and why does no one really talk about any of it or why does no one ask questions and why have i been in this relationship for 12 year and let it happen to me, and why doesnt anything good ever happen..Its all bad luck I must say. When I did finally push housing they changed the system so now you bid for crappie houses in really crappie area. ( SO NO, im not bloody happy)
Sercond, theres the ..it cant be that bad thinking otherwise she would have moved her butt...First off, when your getting hurt etc you have to find ways to breath through the pain to try and survive it, you cant look to the future or see one for that matter , You do all you can to survive it, and that includes being strngled etc . that includes the worst kind of choking incidences in thei shouse the thing I hate most him doing is forcing me to ..cant go there.
Third, is shes must be a c**p mum because she drinks..Ive sat aexams 2007 after mopping my childs sick off the carpet, tucking her in bed at 1pm in the morning to open up maths books , and a bottle of wine followed by another to sit an exam the following day at 10 am and pass with an 87% A grade...that what I mean, it doesnt necessarily make you a walking jakey, some people over ompensate when hungover, after a long period opof drinking you can tell if you are in lallaland, or when its going to happen
Fourthly david cameron pls dont come to edinburgh...mind you it sprobablymroe than thatcher did...Did Maggie Thatcher know that Scotland existed?
Fourthly and more worryingly, I think I do have some MH issues, eithout this situation etc and I dont think people think I have so its a bit like hitting you r head of a very ahrd brick wall or a very bouncy elastic band
Anyway..I need to get it together. In answer to guest question Im not happy. and in answer to his 2nd question I cant see a way out..i really cant.ive just been billed for my course and ther going now to start court proceedings and I cant get it funded and that was all I had to shed some light on my future. Its not even vocatinal enough to get aided by a Mba award, but the phD was funded and gave you placements and a bursary to get tyou going, but I cant get on the phd course until I have this qualification -and that was my last hop, my last hope of liveig any kind of futre of having any kind of existsence. yes, it was making me sick , and yes it was hard jut trying to get the work don, but it was a stepping stone to even just having a dream of what I could do with my life. now that s gone, my children have gone to the swin gpark with daddykins. Im still in my pyjammas thinking what a mess up! Im no longer a great favourites of doctors and lwayers, they should be experienced , and should be able to see past all this...but my lawyer cerainly id not help me...in fact my lawyer had me last priority in his filling system and really didnt treat me well when I THINK about it...I also think the "legal aid label " is a bit like the "Alcoholic label"
My doctor spoke with me the other dasy tpo. he took his time and sometimes I think hes a really kngd guy, but then other times think he doent really get me....he did give me the impression that I ahd had all the spport in the world that I could have and that therefor I would have moved out by now and changed. It got me really upset so upset that I dont want to be reliant on medication to stop me crying in the streets when I go out or think about my own end. the truth If I had the confidence and the self respect in the fisrtst place. like ( Hi dawn) like Dawn had said " I feel im never not quite good enough" had I crippled that a long tim ebefore now i would have thought more value of me and not let any of this happen?
In my fourth year , when I was 20...i had just spent my 3rd year nursing my dying grandad with my mum , and after he left i got really depressed, I ended going home for the siummer and not speaking to friend properly. i gave up drinking, i didnt speak to anyone, and then I paniced to get back to foruth year to finish my course so took a ground floor bedsit . It was the biggest mistake of my life........and That wouldnt have happened to me either had I the self respect and slef worth I would never have eneded up there I would have plodded through it and I would have kept my communication up withmy friends. and one thing Ill never forget wwas one of my friends who drove about in a yellow sports car -brand shiny nes and had the top notch handbag and mobile phone saif"How could anyone so clever get in this mess? In fact no one stupid could get themselves in theis mess....anyway, things happened I d get pissed every night as I was too scared to go home to my bedsit and whn I say pissed by the way, you are talkin 12 to 13 pints of jakey juice and possibly some vodka in between...The followed by the Im shattered I better go home, to sobriety and total fear. when it was happening no one really listened . In fact it was at fierst made into a cracking joke....whats Katy doing to night....ah yeas...shell be watching out the window for entertainkment.....breking news headlines flash before your nose to take to frineds to phtot copy and take to the police station that jsut practically laughed about it day in and day out. its a bit like going to the doctors abd crying wolf, over and over again round and round my head, and even 13 nearly years later i still cant et over it and it keeps hapeening again and againa and agian to me, and no one talkes or asks questions about it...its just TAKE RESPONSIOBILITY BEAMED and homed in on me...and then theres lonely old me,,,cant even get a decent job, 33 years of age ....had 2 kids and cant even be bothered to work for them and they are the most beatiful childrne on this planet. Alex is lovely , she very very clever too, and Becca isnt as obviuosly clever bout Im her mum and I know shes a bloomer.Anyway, Im waffling I nee to go So No Im not happy and dont see a future because I feel like my mothers aristin washing machin e...on and on and on and on and on andopn andon!
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Oh Dear! No money! ...and he thinks I should be sectioned!What a check!
cwant stop crying-my throat is really sore, closed up feeling
Where are you dawn-No wonder im upset- I mean even my mum said it"I saw what he was doing , Katy"sh*t-I know im blind but im not normally this blind -what an idiot1
Im getting an obsession about the size of my thighs-its not right-they are a biot big though. I might go up to my work just for osmeone to chat to. I do feel down again, coldie-like im geeting a cold, and dawn would you know anything about knee pain because my knees keep seizing on me and I start limpioing.
Ill give you an example of what went through my head today...i wasnt thinking about my sh*t anymore..Maybe if I stop thinking about it, I want thinkabout it and go into automatic. I think thats half my battle Ive thought about how my children will re\ct for far too long and over estimated the dangers of moving out...Okay and yes so if I change this situation ill be a single old lonely financially beaten woman.If I stay , the same thing-ao whats the point? And if I go I risk loosing my children to him declaring shes a looney should have eben sectioned and has a majopor drink problem , regardless of his behaviour and his very own problems
Well my drink problem consists of blue slush puppies at the moment .
Then again if I move I dont have to deal with all these micxed crazy everyday emotions..I mean He asks me one minute"are you all right katy?" and Im not going into the next
But dawn Oral sex, it is a poewer thing and men certainly get more enjoyment out of it( I think) Euch! It makes me feel sick, but if I dont do it Im scared of what he might do to me Thats why i think prostituatin might benefit me. A) Id get paid for it. B) I wouldnt have to be treated like that, and c0 Maybe have some fun along the way...(whoops) cant believe im thinking like this-mum of 2 from small country townwho used to watch little house on the prairie and be all whats that expression, not frigid but, not up your own arse...sort of twee proper! Oh not me now
In fact I might ditch drink take e andssmoke weed instead.itd get the drinks people of my back and Id be happy and no one would know why-god why didnt I think of that earlierMind you If es are like citaloprami might not be happy.
Or I could go sell my drugs on the streets claiming they were es, make loads of money and get out of here ( dont worry Im only brainstorming :-P
Right, I need another job- Nursing? Something arty?IO dont want to do cleaning, waitresing, Nope you need balance for that...God I feel like ive a tiny needle sixed whole in my throat to breathe and eat anyway, Im off, for another walk...maybe it will help me and my thighs!
cwant stop crying-my throat is really sore, closed up feeling
Where are you dawn-No wonder im upset- I mean even my mum said it"I saw what he was doing , Katy"sh*t-I know im blind but im not normally this blind -what an idiot1
Im getting an obsession about the size of my thighs-its not right-they are a biot big though. I might go up to my work just for osmeone to chat to. I do feel down again, coldie-like im geeting a cold, and dawn would you know anything about knee pain because my knees keep seizing on me and I start limpioing.
Ill give you an example of what went through my head today...i wasnt thinking about my sh*t anymore..Maybe if I stop thinking about it, I want thinkabout it and go into automatic. I think thats half my battle Ive thought about how my children will re\ct for far too long and over estimated the dangers of moving out...Okay and yes so if I change this situation ill be a single old lonely financially beaten woman.If I stay , the same thing-ao whats the point? And if I go I risk loosing my children to him declaring shes a looney should have eben sectioned and has a majopor drink problem , regardless of his behaviour and his very own problems
Well my drink problem consists of blue slush puppies at the moment .
Then again if I move I dont have to deal with all these micxed crazy everyday emotions..I mean He asks me one minute"are you all right katy?" and Im not going into the next
But dawn Oral sex, it is a poewer thing and men certainly get more enjoyment out of it( I think) Euch! It makes me feel sick, but if I dont do it Im scared of what he might do to me Thats why i think prostituatin might benefit me. A) Id get paid for it. B) I wouldnt have to be treated like that, and c0 Maybe have some fun along the way...(whoops) cant believe im thinking like this-mum of 2 from small country townwho used to watch little house on the prairie and be all whats that expression, not frigid but, not up your own arse...sort of twee proper! Oh not me now
In fact I might ditch drink take e andssmoke weed instead.itd get the drinks people of my back and Id be happy and no one would know why-god why didnt I think of that earlierMind you If es are like citaloprami might not be happy.
Or I could go sell my drugs on the streets claiming they were es, make loads of money and get out of here ( dont worry Im only brainstorming :-P
Right, I need another job- Nursing? Something arty?IO dont want to do cleaning, waitresing, Nope you need balance for that...God I feel like ive a tiny needle sixed whole in my throat to breathe and eat anyway, Im off, for another walk...maybe it will help me and my thighs!
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Sorry I was thinknig aboutmy sister ...and I was thinking about how shes had precancerous cells f**k the thining that went on scared me..shes so skinny and what ifs .....see im just a complete worrier.
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WOH WOH Katy!!! What is going on here? You are in a REAL state honey! I know you type what you think, but if that is what you think I am WORRIED sick about you! You have to slow down and say what he said not go back and forth througout your history! You NEED medication Katy PERIOD! IF you would Allow me I would put a letter on here to your doctor, and you can print it and take it to him! IF you explain to him, like you are explaining here, then there is NO way he can get you the help you need! You are ALL over the place honey! CALM DOWN! Just remember NOTHING has changed and NOTHING is urgent - except for your health! So just breathe and stop thinking for a bit! You are VERY overwhelmed here! I am WORRIED!
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Dawn! Ive gone mad! I didnt want to come home when Iwent out for a walk-hours later -now I return with sharp nipping pains in the left side of my head and a mini laptop. its white and gorgeous. I saw it and went "I want that" walked away from it-then returned and looked and went I dont care if I cant afford it , like a spoiled child and got it on contract-living life on edge isnt good for you. Ive decide ill sit my exam next week and perhaps take a year out to get my head together before finishing- do you think the uni will letme do this? Then I ve a year to get a bigger /more hours job! and think about life here-does this sound mad?
What is this nipping pain-its scarry- I hate strange head pains!
anyway- I dont know what to think anymore- Im so confused- in fact I dont want to think anymore!
What is this nipping pain-its scarry- I hate strange head pains!
anyway- I dont know what to think anymore- Im so confused- in fact I dont want to think anymore!
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Hi Dawn-hope your okay!
Are you/
See-I know you say youve been here done that etc i get that , and I am amazed by your welcoming loving power! I wish I could be more like you!
Anyway- Im okay right now-Icant think about things(although I was thinking about my friend that saved me from murder-and how she took mirtazipine and gave up for a while) I looked after her children who are now very grown up and independant!
Okay-I want to answer something that guest asked-whoever tht was! What am I scared of?" Ill list it:
!) Death- I cant cope with anyone dying
2)Money
3) Dying alone
4) that icant feed me, though I can undoubtedly and dutifully feed my children.
5) that someone will just hurt me
6) that I cant share the beaty of my children
7) That they will hurt and unkonwn to me what has gone on-rape -murder-sexual attack( i Know i witnessed a lot far from my mum s eyes when with my loving dad -and he is very loving by the way!
8) The capacity for my children to switch from one enviroment ot another , that I will be clueless about
9)Murder
10) More than anything being missunderstood and completely alone!
Are you/
See-I know you say youve been here done that etc i get that , and I am amazed by your welcoming loving power! I wish I could be more like you!
Anyway- Im okay right now-Icant think about things(although I was thinking about my friend that saved me from murder-and how she took mirtazipine and gave up for a while) I looked after her children who are now very grown up and independant!
Okay-I want to answer something that guest asked-whoever tht was! What am I scared of?" Ill list it:
!) Death- I cant cope with anyone dying
2)Money
3) Dying alone
4) that icant feed me, though I can undoubtedly and dutifully feed my children.
5) that someone will just hurt me
6) that I cant share the beaty of my children
7) That they will hurt and unkonwn to me what has gone on-rape -murder-sexual attack( i Know i witnessed a lot far from my mum s eyes when with my loving dad -and he is very loving by the way!
8) The capacity for my children to switch from one enviroment ot another , that I will be clueless about
9)Murder
10) More than anything being missunderstood and completely alone!
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First off, its okay to cry! and its okay to let others see you cry, so don't ever be ashamed of that! if you need to let it out, then let it out! I know your a mother and moms never want their kids to see them cry, but thats so silly!! children learn from adults, they learn how to express their emotions through us, and how to handle situations through us. Crying is not a sign of weakness, we want our kids to know that its okay to cry and be sad and get angry and frustrated...its a sign of strength! that you can be vulnerable, and show others, its weakness to hide it...so let it out all you want! And don't worry what people think of you, who cares really, their not you and not in your situation...worry about what you think and feel, not others...theres a quote i love from Dr. suess "be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" its so true...i love it!...so don't worry if you live in a crappy house, i'm sure your kids won't, or don't have any food (where i live there are tons of places to go, to get free food, it may be embarrassing, but food is food!) and so what if you and your girls don't have to best of clothes, there are a lot of second hand stores where you can buy cheap clothes, and furniture. if thats the worst that can happen, then its not really that bad, is it? and it doesn't have to be forever, just till you can get on your feet, could be a few years but so what. it definately outbeats the worst that can happen staying where you are, which is death, that someone will hurt you, that your children will hurt and continue to see and hear whats going on. children are for more adaptable then we give them credit for!
I know you live in a different country, so things are different, but have you ever seen the movie 'Enough'? i think you should watch it! its a very empowering movie!
And you are not stupid!! so don't ever think that for a second, or believe those who say you are, otherwise their stupid!! your doing the best that you can, the best way you know how! and no one can blame you for that! the thoughts you have are totally normal, ones that everyone thinks "that he'll change" people make up excuess all the time for behaviours and often blame themselves, its how we can move on and survive, and makes the situation less than what it really is...we practically lie to ourselves to protect ourselves. its human nature and everyone does it! ....is it right all the time, no, and does it stop us from see whats really right in front of us, YES! but it doesn't make you stupid!
And never think for a second its you fault, its not!! you never asked for any of this, no one would wish this upon themselves...ever!...but you can change it. the future is what you make of it. And i know its so hard to imagine your life a different way, its hard when you've never had anything different.
Also, you drink to cope, its totally understandable! and not easy to just 'stop' but maybe you can limit the amount you drink, or when you drink. Are there times you find yourself drinking the most? You drink to the point you can no longer function, well maybe theres a way to do it so that your calm and relaxed, but still able to care for your children and do the errands you need to do...like do you drink in the morning, right when you wake up? well maybe have a glass once you get the girls up and reay for school, then come home and have a glass, do you get what i mean? but if you are on medication then you do need to becareful, maybe take your meds and wait at least two hours before drinking or longer so that the medication can be absorbed into your body before the alcohol.
Him being happy, is a show! he knows that it gets to you, and it does! i bet if you walked out of your room with a happy face on and totally ignored him it would totally get to him! because thats not what hes expecting! he wants you to break down and turn to him, so that he can keep doing what hes doing. So give him the unexpected!!
I know your scared to call the police, your feel like you can't, i understand that...have you ever talked to your daughters about calling the police? its good for every child to know how to do! so maybe one day you should take them out, or as you bring them to school and talk about calling the police, and what the number is, and when to call the police and what the police are there to do. Also, i would talk to your daughters about using a code word! for instance, like if you ever yell out the word "RED" then they know to call the police! so if he and when he does hurt you, and your terrified, yell out a word you and your daughters discuss so you and them can be safe! take so self-defence lessons too if there are any around you!! there are a lot here for women!!
Also, never for one second think you deserve any of this!! you don't! and it sucks to be dumped and have someone else leave you, you always wonder "why wasn't i good enough" everyone does!! but in reality thats not the case. its like a movie, you might think the lion king was the best movie ever, while someone else thinks that snow white was...everyone is different, and has different likes and dislikes, doesn't mean your not good enough, you just didn't click, and thats okay! its like how you might like carrots and hate brocoli, its nothing against the brocoli, you just don't like it, but someone else will. And this time you don't have to be the one that gets dumped on! you can dump him! the relationship just isn't working!
are the papers divorce papers? and is he aware of them? because if he is and the papers do go through, then your going to have to leave eventually, right? you say your not happy, who would be? and i know you feel as though your not moving forward and things keep getting worse, and people keep telling you to hurry up...and your frustrated at where your at, but are you aware of your accomplishments?
A. you came on this site and begain to talk about whats going on it your life, THAT'S HUGE!! that in itself is a major step forward, you have already begun to seek help! :-D
B. you know your not happy and you realize the situation is wrong! again thats huge! you are no longer stuck in "deniel". you may not be fully honest with yourself about certain situations, that will take time, but you know whats right and whats not.
C. you've spoken to doctors and lawyers! a step i bet you NEVER thought you would do, but you have!!
D. you've already begun to look into assistance and a place to live, yes you've been let down and found it hard, but you started to look for a way out, and i hope you continue to do so.
E. you have two amazing girls.
i'm sure there are tons more, again i've only read a bit here and there but i've already picked out some MAJOR accomplishments!! you may not see them as ones but they are!! so you said you can't even imagine your future? you already have started too, without even knowing it!! :-D i bet a year ago you would never have thought you'd be doing these things but you did it!! YOU did it!! yes you've have set backs, we all do, two steps forward and one step back! Also know that it is okay to have setbacks, we all get scared and have irrational thoughts, and have our "bad days" and thats OKAY!! the point is that your working on and you are able to realize it...its not easy, no one ever said it would be, but your trying your best and thats all anyone could ever ask for!! you've done the imaginable, you've said you could't and you have!! i bet you've even shocked yourself!
I want you to say something positive about yourself everyday!! it may seem so impossible and at times you may think there was nothing positive, but there ALWAYS is!! it doesn't have to be something big like "i moved out' ...it can be as little as getting dressed in the morning...you make think its silly and how is that something positive, but its something you wouldn't normally do and something that is hard for you to do...even just doing the dishes or giving yourslef some "me" time like going on a walk.... just try to think of something positive about you or that you did!! :-D i've already read a lot of postive changes you've gone through!!
I know you live in a different country, so things are different, but have you ever seen the movie 'Enough'? i think you should watch it! its a very empowering movie!
And you are not stupid!! so don't ever think that for a second, or believe those who say you are, otherwise their stupid!! your doing the best that you can, the best way you know how! and no one can blame you for that! the thoughts you have are totally normal, ones that everyone thinks "that he'll change" people make up excuess all the time for behaviours and often blame themselves, its how we can move on and survive, and makes the situation less than what it really is...we practically lie to ourselves to protect ourselves. its human nature and everyone does it! ....is it right all the time, no, and does it stop us from see whats really right in front of us, YES! but it doesn't make you stupid!
And never think for a second its you fault, its not!! you never asked for any of this, no one would wish this upon themselves...ever!...but you can change it. the future is what you make of it. And i know its so hard to imagine your life a different way, its hard when you've never had anything different.
Also, you drink to cope, its totally understandable! and not easy to just 'stop' but maybe you can limit the amount you drink, or when you drink. Are there times you find yourself drinking the most? You drink to the point you can no longer function, well maybe theres a way to do it so that your calm and relaxed, but still able to care for your children and do the errands you need to do...like do you drink in the morning, right when you wake up? well maybe have a glass once you get the girls up and reay for school, then come home and have a glass, do you get what i mean? but if you are on medication then you do need to becareful, maybe take your meds and wait at least two hours before drinking or longer so that the medication can be absorbed into your body before the alcohol.
Him being happy, is a show! he knows that it gets to you, and it does! i bet if you walked out of your room with a happy face on and totally ignored him it would totally get to him! because thats not what hes expecting! he wants you to break down and turn to him, so that he can keep doing what hes doing. So give him the unexpected!!
I know your scared to call the police, your feel like you can't, i understand that...have you ever talked to your daughters about calling the police? its good for every child to know how to do! so maybe one day you should take them out, or as you bring them to school and talk about calling the police, and what the number is, and when to call the police and what the police are there to do. Also, i would talk to your daughters about using a code word! for instance, like if you ever yell out the word "RED" then they know to call the police! so if he and when he does hurt you, and your terrified, yell out a word you and your daughters discuss so you and them can be safe! take so self-defence lessons too if there are any around you!! there are a lot here for women!!
Also, never for one second think you deserve any of this!! you don't! and it sucks to be dumped and have someone else leave you, you always wonder "why wasn't i good enough" everyone does!! but in reality thats not the case. its like a movie, you might think the lion king was the best movie ever, while someone else thinks that snow white was...everyone is different, and has different likes and dislikes, doesn't mean your not good enough, you just didn't click, and thats okay! its like how you might like carrots and hate brocoli, its nothing against the brocoli, you just don't like it, but someone else will. And this time you don't have to be the one that gets dumped on! you can dump him! the relationship just isn't working!
are the papers divorce papers? and is he aware of them? because if he is and the papers do go through, then your going to have to leave eventually, right? you say your not happy, who would be? and i know you feel as though your not moving forward and things keep getting worse, and people keep telling you to hurry up...and your frustrated at where your at, but are you aware of your accomplishments?
A. you came on this site and begain to talk about whats going on it your life, THAT'S HUGE!! that in itself is a major step forward, you have already begun to seek help! :-D
B. you know your not happy and you realize the situation is wrong! again thats huge! you are no longer stuck in "deniel". you may not be fully honest with yourself about certain situations, that will take time, but you know whats right and whats not.
C. you've spoken to doctors and lawyers! a step i bet you NEVER thought you would do, but you have!!
D. you've already begun to look into assistance and a place to live, yes you've been let down and found it hard, but you started to look for a way out, and i hope you continue to do so.
E. you have two amazing girls.
i'm sure there are tons more, again i've only read a bit here and there but i've already picked out some MAJOR accomplishments!! you may not see them as ones but they are!! so you said you can't even imagine your future? you already have started too, without even knowing it!! :-D i bet a year ago you would never have thought you'd be doing these things but you did it!! YOU did it!! yes you've have set backs, we all do, two steps forward and one step back! Also know that it is okay to have setbacks, we all get scared and have irrational thoughts, and have our "bad days" and thats OKAY!! the point is that your working on and you are able to realize it...its not easy, no one ever said it would be, but your trying your best and thats all anyone could ever ask for!! you've done the imaginable, you've said you could't and you have!! i bet you've even shocked yourself!
I want you to say something positive about yourself everyday!! it may seem so impossible and at times you may think there was nothing positive, but there ALWAYS is!! it doesn't have to be something big like "i moved out' ...it can be as little as getting dressed in the morning...you make think its silly and how is that something positive, but its something you wouldn't normally do and something that is hard for you to do...even just doing the dishes or giving yourslef some "me" time like going on a walk.... just try to think of something positive about you or that you did!! :-D i've already read a lot of postive changes you've gone through!!
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