I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Hi Guest and dawn- -wow!

Guest-have you been in the place where I am -because \i think ony someone who knows how hars it is could understand , otherwise its a row a shouting match , tears and akick up the arse and "pull yourself together, pull your socks upetc etc" But yes, you have shed some ligh ton it, even though I felt c**p yesterday , i did manage a walk and a talk with work colleagues that/may or may not like or understand me-though I like them al so maybe that doesnt matter if i think they dont like me or are fed up with me(I dont know what anyone thinks because I am not them)

Guest I love the cat in the hat! I didnt ever think dr seuss would change my life and I didnt think id use him in my exam either but heres loking at you kid ;-) Ive not doen any studying b ut I think the hour papaer on depressin might be manageable.
Guest thank you fro showing me some really appreciated understanding-that was lovely and has opened my eyes up a bit!Cheered me up to-though i HAVE TO SAYas I am ashamed of my drinking that I dont drink unti at least 8 pm in the evening no matter how bad I am!
dawn- how are you?

Omg Guest-something just clicked-WAIT! YOu know how you hear me bantering on about my alcoholism. No one has ever asked me if i eat a meal , when I eat it and why dont I sit down with a glass of wine with my dinner and do that ritual rather than no t having meals and drinking it as a meal.

I get anxious about dinner time!

This is so obvious! If I ate a dinner and drank some wine to hel ais it going down Id probably be zonked afterwards, not drink the rest of the bottle and want to sleep...Myabe I should have dinner at 10 pm then, until im mor used to eating extra amounts Well Im going to give it a try-I dont care what health professional say...they need to learn to ask the right questions before writing notes on my own abuse etc.

Okay Ill try this tonmngiht snd see how it goes-the worst is ill puton a few pounds( well thats nothing compared with loosing your children!)

Thanks Guest and Dawn-why havent I thought abou that before-its obvious!

This is just it-right-I have a question-I try and make my house clean and homely and it looks like theres me, my fluffy rigs and poc a dot table cloths and shower curtains sad cow that I am. feeling homely and secure then dog! What am i doing? hes nice to me one minute and so cold the next-so I forget what hes doen to me , I forget and just carry on trying to be a mum, I forget how hes behaved and take joy in my new dinky toy which is just the best .

Im looking for a baby sitting job that I can take my children to after school /ages with my children and so that a -I get out of here, b I get some money just for being , C0 my kids will enjoy it and d I can maybe study while they play together. trouvle is -I cant find any worl-I wonder why? 8-|

My Point is I feel secure and forget then I remeber or hell sdo something to remind me, and then wham bang im back down. I feel like I am a punch bag!

Ive a cyst in mt sternium area and its reallly itchy-does anyone know how I can get rid of this.
I need ice cream!

Why have I a really sore bum?

Anyway, just been looking at pjotographs ...my mum has been through so much and you can see all the changes, its frightening me!Its made me feel really down afgain.

I keep trying to do things that will make me happy to forget-but it doesnt work! Its annoying, Ive sone loads ofr reading self help book alcoholism, depression, anxiety -eating properly None of them motivate me, trying to do what guest suggest.It wors for a bit then it is like an ilness I cant seem to control it. If I could control it id be fine!

I also need to stop shopping-though having said that it has ts benefits

I'm proud of you, you know that!! I really am!! :-D your beginning to see and understand why you do things the way you do, thats awesome!! took me years before i could figure that out!! your also sounding a lot more positive, again, never any easy thing, but somehow through all of this your able to do it, thats aweosome!! we never give ourselves enough credit for the things we are able to do. your surviving, everyday!! your coping and waking up in the morning and facing your day head on knowing whats it going to be, and your still able to survive!

it's okay to feel like c**p, its not a pleasant feeling, but don't expect yourself to just wake up and be happy all day 24/7, thats not realistic! I don't know one person who is totally and completely happy from morning until night! we can act it but doesn't mean we are. we are human, and humans are very emotional beings!

it sounds to me like getting out of the house and talking to people really help you!! from what i read you appear to be a little happier and calm. and honestly, if your friends/colleagues didn't like you, then they wouldn't hang out with you and listen to you. and i'm sure if they were fed up with you, they would let you know!

so your in school? and your still able to manage that and study and write papers...its amazing how through all of this your still able to do that!! says a lot!

so your drinking is some what managed then!! and you are able to cope throughout the day without it!! your not out of control...you do have some self control :-)

so you say you get anxious around dinner time...what is it about dinner time that makes you so anxious? is that the time of day when he comes home? if so then i don't blame you for not wanting to eat dinner, eating at a different time sounds like the perfect solution!! glade you thought of that on your own and are willing to give it a try. let me know how this works out for you.

honey, its okay to clean your house! you live in it and deserve to have it look somewhat decent, doesn't mean your cleaning it for him, your doing it for you and your girls so that theres some structure in the home amongst all the disarray. like you said, it makes you feel more secure, if thats what you need to do to get away from everything for a bit then do it, thats how you've been able to cope for so long. Do you think that through cleaning, it makes everything better? if so then where did you learn that from? is that something your mother use to do to cope?

i don't think you ever forget whats he's done, i think you've been so used to the one and off thats its become so routine for you. you don't forget, you shove it in the back of your head so that you are able to still carry on day-to-day and be a mom. who can blame you? i can tell those girls mean the world to you, and your trying to make what you can stable for them. you can't control him and what he does to you but you have control over everything else!! and your trying to keep it that way. am i right?

your moving forward again, i'm so happy that your thinkg of yourself!! something you never did before! but know your realizing you need to get out of the house and have your 'me' time because it makes you happy and makes life a little bit easier..good for you! glad you were able to come up with that on your own. does your girls school offer any afterschool programs? or maybe you can sign them up for some extra curricular activities, like swimming lessons or something. it would be a break for you and your girls, do any of your friends have kids your children's ages? or maybe see if their friends parents can't take them for one day a week.

it sounds to me like your a very independant women! or already doing everything on your own, did you realise that? your taking care of your children, going to school, cleaning the house and cooking dinner...your one super mom!

again, your shopping because it gets you out of the house, and away from everything. and your not going to forget about whats going on, you have a lot on your plate! but that doesn't mean you can't be happy, it seems to me like when your away from your home your happy, and when your with your girls your happy, and when he's not with your or happy. do you see a pattern?

i'm also glad you've thought of a positive :-D its not an easy thing is it? just remember though, you don't have to be happy 24/7 it would be great but don't be so hard on yourself. if your able to find one flower through all the weeds then that pretty awesome!! eventually, there will be more flowers then weeds.

Guest- hey- I know yorw right, I have to say that i havr total moments of despaor!

Im worried- i want to quit everything right now! His dad islooking unwell and old! I cany take much more-but I appreciate the people ive met etc and I know my children are very adorable but I still seem t ojust want out! I was thinking about it- my doctor asked me what I was scared of then followed by a coment that i onl ythink thewat I do because of my drinking.....I know for facts I think negatively and its been automatic for years, ) without alcohol) but hey he cant measure that in terms of science. yjeres a little more to it though and I dont think i want to write it here- si I want! anyways-thank you guest- you are helping me to see the positives ( nelieve it or not!)You and dawn deserve more than any psychiatrists gets paid. Your both lovely creations...and somrday when all is good ..

so your feeling hopeless...and thats making you feel like you can't go on....what happened today that made you feel that way? seeing his father?

Have you ever seen a social worker? i know a lot of people hate them and think their no good and that their job is to take their job is to take their kids away, but thats the total oppisite. they want nothing more then to help and keep families together. are you afraid to leave because you don't want to be alone? or that he will find you? if thats the case it doesn't have to be like that at all, i know where i live there are homes for women and children fleeing abuse, no one knows about them or where they are, that way they can be safe, i bet if you speak to a social worker or the police they can get you into a home like that, they will also provide counselling to you and your children, they also help give you skills to get a job and help you to find affordable housing....if you tell me where abouts you live, not your actual address but, your general area i can help locate some services for you...

and honey if your about to commit suicide, call up a friend to be near your side, or go to your neighbours house and contact the hospital or police right away!!! you may feel like thats the only way out but its not! i know its hard to believe but trust me for a moment

tell me what your feeling and going through right now, what are your thoughts honey? what happened today

Hi Guest. Hi dawn! Hope you peeps are okay?

Yesterday when you asked, whats upetc? Nothing that bad-just felt pushed outside of my family and the more I want t be near my children the more I cant get near to them! But Im okay! Im sed to this now

I studied for 3 hours and paniced as Ive forgotten what exams are like. Im going to practie esays, learn them and then trun them in and around for exam day-but studying alone makes me swet

No Guest Dawn-thats just the problem its not TOTAL full on abuse here-and I get bad tempered, especially these days. ( I think ive hayfever).

Ive also not been taken my medication- i thnkit didnt realy help me, It helps whne im in a very bad mood-but I thinkits better for me to learn to calm me down myself otherwise ill never get moving!

Okay, I need a deadline date-you knwo-so I have to get focused!

Take care

Okay so your just really overwhelmed and frustrated then....i hear ya.

what do you mean though when you say you can't get near your children? because your busy with school and stuff? or he won't let you see them?

do you do your classes online? or at a school? have you tried study groups? i loved them!! made so many things come into perspective.. take it easy though, sometimes it helps to take breaks in between studying...i wish you luck!!

What do you mean, when you say "its not TOTAL full on abuse"? abuse is abuse honey and its never right or okay, no matter how much or how little it is. you say you get bad tempered, what do you do?

learning how to calm down on your own is good, but don't view medication as a bad thing, if its helpful and you need it for the moment until your able to cope on your own then do it...its a personal thing, so only you can decide whats best for you but being on medication isn't a bad thing.

well good luck!! and take care!!

Hi Guest and Dawn!


Okay despite all your very helpful words od wisdo-Ive have been a dreadful mess today!

Here we go , me me me! Okay-I managed my shift at work, until whom bam, my mum ( who had helpfuly babysat my children ) turned up -and we went for coffee. i told her a bit.......(Ill come back to this -if i dont get lost on a tangent!)

So..I start to talk to her about things..and she sknows and has seen a little of whats been going on! aAnd she openly makes her remarks! I couldnt stop. I couldnt stop crying!

First, i was cleaning the windows at work and found this really cheap article in an ols Sun newspaper, describing how a certain lady had got fretfully drunk, and slashed her cheeks, she decalred that her partner had been raping her and was whisked way with forensi team and so n. They come to the conclusion that she has self harmed and that her allegations are due to drunkeness.

I well up! Thinknig I bet you anything thats what the health professionals think of me! ( Just and irresponsible god forsaken drunk! jakey drunk!). This is one reason why I ave never pushed for anything- though you need the good hard stuff evidence if your going to do that so either I wait a lot longer or I pack my things and move out. Theres no point going back the way and its too hard a case to prove and far too stressful and I couldnt deal with the stress nevermind get out /acroos the reality of what he has done or hasnt done. Plus there would be no static/fixed proof...and I certainly do not wnt to be read as some unwell irresponsible drunk ( even if I am at some points -though not in my eyes) if Im that bad Im usually here tryig to get some attention!

Okay, yes my exam is next week and I study in class, at a uni in another city. I lie it in someways , it brings the old me out again, but its so hard when I have all the old memories and its different but not that different. my tutors always seem to give me a lot of credit when I speak up and I love them there. most of them are health psychologists and are experienced people/probably have experienced a lot worse than my case( thats if you could call it that)

So I speak to mum about how I see things. How I dont want the children to be uprooted every other weekened from one envirometn to the next adapting to 2 different adults ways of thinking coping and behaving and with each of the adult not fully knowing what is going on with the children. the horror stories , the lies, the manipulation etc i tel her how |I saw it..but whilst Im explaining im not coping with it and just cryong, but as shes my mum she just cuddles me. I buy her a gift to say thanks and we sat in the park talking for ages. She didnt want to leave me alone because she knew how on the very edge I am-but I didnt want to go to her house I dont want old friends or qquaintencies or her neighbours friends to see me like this. In fact I really dont want my mum to suffer because I am so unhappy. My num now is all in favour of me getting back into rented accomodatio nand just showing everyone my worth(that helps a little) but I am scared!

So the plan now is to get on with some study for the next week. I sometimes get intense with it-but as Ive been feeling like a cold/flu or hayfever not sure and so tearful today ive still only done 3 hours of notes and nothing more.

The funding issue is mamoth too and mum has said shell help as long as I pay her up as the bills come through- idont know who to talk to about these problems . they are seperate and a crisis loan certainly want see it as a means for real help...so I have to try and work this one out.

Im worried that im just depressed outside this situation too. I am anxious but Im not normally this down. I hate being like this really hate it! Guest-you asked what I do when i get bad tempered , okay I tend to get moodie and do irrational things like throw the dirty dishes in the bin or rip new clothes of that cling to me and make me feel fat, I have also been know to samsh my head of walls and take tons of laxatives to try and clean the demons out ( i know its not right ) I do have the want t cut myself but blood makes me feel faint-even when Ive got my period Im pretty squeamish! All thats embarassing to admit too and also doesnt help the fact that he has hit me...how can they identify the differnece between self harm anad physical abuse?

I explained to mum that in my head it would make so much more sense if he was horrid 99 % but he is not and its easier to believe that he is the nicer better stuff so believe that the worse stuff is less

anyways got to go hes coming through here. take care

About the newspaper, I don't want that to timid you...everyones case is always so different, and what was written in the article may not be the full truth, a lot of time they leave out information and don't give the full story as to what happend to attract readers...thats their job...and in that Women's case, she could have made false allegations, it does happen sometimes...i'm sure theres more too it then what we know, but they too could have been wrong...but I don't want that to discourage you.

one thing that may help is if you were to keep a journal and document EVERYTHING!! you may want to keep it at work, or somewhere where he cannot find it...Keep track of all the times he hits you, yells at you or puts you down, grabs you, throws something at you, uses objects against you, and even rapes you...okay...write down the exact day it was, a rough time it happend at, what he did, used or said to you okay...it would also be really helpful if you could take pictures of any bruises or marks he left on your body and even ojects used and keep it with your journal...okay...that can be really helpful!! and if needed, used as evidence...what good hard evdience do you need to wait for honey? death?

would you ever consider talking to your teachers? I'm glad you were able to speak with your mom, seems like she was understanding and helpful this time...it would be awesome if she was able to help support you in whats going on. Again, like i said before, kids are a lot more adaptable then we give them credit for!! and i'm sure they would rather see their parents separated, then hear all the yelling and seeing all the abuse towards their mom...what are their ages by the way? and how is he with the children?

would you be able to stay with you mom? like if you were to leave, could you go and stay with her until your done school and can find a place of your own? i know its not an ideal situation, but it might not be all that bad. whats scares you about accomodated living?

you said you stoped taking your meds because you felt like they weren't working? were you taking them everyday, roughly around the same time? maybe you should try them again, take them every morning (or as prescribed) for two weeks and see how you feel.

its completely understandable what your going through, its really hard to have confidence and self-esteem when people keep hurting you. Do you feel better when you do these things? you know what helps...when you feel like your about to lose control and hurt yourself, take a deep breath and step back for a moment and count to five...really think about whats going on...and stop what your doing...something i love, take a garbage bag or something and tape it to your wall, get some tea bags and dip them in paint and throw them at the garbage bag...get everything your feeling out...say whats going on and what your mad at and what makes you feel angry,sad, ect...it really help, sounds silly but its not!!

if your timid of him, then its pretty bad..doesn't have to happen 99% of the time to be bad.

i'll try and find some more stuff for you to help you...

take care in the meantime

Hi Guest. Thak you!

Ive managed a little bit of study and as my girls are getting fed up im going out ith them.

Ive not taking the mediation for about a week or so now, and Im not sure how I feel really. I think Im okay-Ive got a distraction to get me through this next week.

My little girls are just 7 and 10 years old. The 10 year old is very independaent and Ive not really discussed anything to help me get help like telling her a code word so she would know to ring for help, because all she knows is "Daddy has hurt me" and "Daddy hurts mummies feelings" Thats all she reports to me..and Ow///"dady doent trust you".

I love my mum but she lives such a different life-I couldnt go back their- I dont want to be treated like I am 11 again. That wouldnt help me sse away out, and another thing I cant cope with the rest of my half sisters etc knowing whats going on-because they seem so competitive and illl never be in theoir range of cleverness more importantly I want to move independantly with my children to prove to everyone that I can do it.

Next and this is a big one for me-IVE STOPPED drinking and WANT to satay off it because I cant bear others judgement on me because of it ( even if its about the only thing that takes the hoolwness out and exhausive feelings away!)

Anyway, I better go child is calling! Taje care.

I was in an okay mood earlier -though Im finding the girls demansds a real struggle -even though I want to be with them . Everything costs money and everything is about there pleasure and thats okay but its sometimes just so intolerable ans whn I feel underpressure I just want to run.

Anyway, He took my eldeset out earlier. shes trippied over a blaal and ahs hurt her arms in several places, I think it may be another trip to the hospital/ How can she be so clumsy?

I think I should move abroad as the sun cheers me up a fair bit.

Also i was thinking im going to include my neighbour in my Did essay for acting like a god damn pigeon. He does that pigeon thing and every 5 minutes acts like one argh I wish hed shut UP!

See, this is the thing. I know a lot anout metal il health-but seem to do nothing or myself to control it better! Itry, but the demons still work through- so many people say thingg/have said things-and they dont just vanish . You can reverse the negatives, and pretend to believe them, that is, belive the positives, but in all for goodnes sakes , the reality is they never ever last. It smore like i am possessed.

Theres something else thats really worrying me, somethig that i could never tell a doctor- and thats I had this horiffic evil voice/dark headed person telling me wrong from right and finding it hard to ake sense of/ What scares me is the image of his mum and his mum terrified me ( god forbid) I cant believe I am typing this! But the first time I saw his mum, I was freaked-is this woman going to haunt me life and tel me im evil?

Theres another thing, its the black and white suitcases I see= I cant escape them!

I try to function as what a normal being is supposed to , but I break so easily and I dont know why I am so much weaker than everyone else, its exhausting , no one understand, I loose my temper easily and out the blue!

Anyways, ive seen cpns, doctors etc they consistently tell me I am noraml blah blah rhubarb rhubarb rhubar-why should I tell them anything when they have one thing on their mind! And thats that! Its not fair and its not right o pursure this fight.

Im now borrowing money from my mother for my course-I should be borrowing to get out of here-but mium wouldnt lend me it and then she reports back "you owe me big time" I just hope I can manage to raise funds before too long because she is enpowered to make my life a school pupils hell and I know that sounds very ungrateful- I just do not want to be indebted to her AT ALL! What am I to do? I know I can get some living funds because the bank has refuesed a oan-a dn that should help-but this is difficult. If my children ever need help and im still around at 40 I will not be putting this oweness on them, especially if my child had been so unlucky! Now I sounfd like I have a massive chip on my shoulder and sound really ungrateful . it helps for a little while, but only until I pass and raise the funds Argh!

Have you noticed a difference between your moods in the past week that you've been off your meds? good ro bad?

I totally get where your comming from, I HATE having to rely on my parents...thus I am really independent like yourself, and never get any credit for it. And you don't sound ungreatful to me, your happy and thankful she lent you the money, but scared of what comes with that.

wow, so what changed for you that allowed you to stop drinking? congrats to you for that!

Have you signed your girls up for anything? maybe that can help take the load off of you, and allow them to have fun. or maybe do some cheap and fun stuff in the house like doing each others nails, or some baking or put in a movie for them so you have an hour or so to youself.

Its a lot easier to try and help someone you don't know, then yourself and friends and family. Its harder because we know too much about ourselves and our ways and feel 'stuck' ... your in a battle against yourself and don't know how to get out or 'win'.

For how many years have you been feeling this way? And when you say you hear voices, is it like you talking in you head? or like theres someone else talking in your head, yet theres no one around? And you are seeing things? if so, it could be postpartum depression, it can happens year or months after having a child, doesn't have to be right away...but it could also be a sign of schizophrenia...now you say your studying mental health? sometimes we read and learn so much that we find ourselves becoming what we read...i took a class and i remember the teacher saying how we will walk into the class having nothing and walk out of the class having five things each, because we convince ourselves or read something and swear its us...i'm not saying that for you, but if you were to read up on a postpartum depression, or schizophrenia, would you say the symptoms are true to you or not? it happens to a lot of people!! and nothing to be ashamed of...if you do have it then it is treatable...it can be really scary going through stuff like that, do they tell you to hurt yourself at all?