I am in a mess. anxiety or not?

Dawn- are you around? I dotn think I can do this anymore! I cant! Im not going to the doctors tomorrow-I dont want to-theres nothing wrong with me. I dont want to- Ive virtually slept all weekend and I dont really know why. I dont know what to do-I want to be loved-but I need to learn to love first( which is a weird one for me) I mean I love my girls , they are brilliant-and its not that I _ oh forget it -Im sick of it.

That reminds me . Alex got through her audition and is in cast I as the lead role...BRILLIANT! She came back pretended she hasnt got through , pretended to cry and then went into fits of laughter...so proud...we cuddled up later and watched dvds and ate popcorn while she told me loads of stories. Shes so grown up...I found her first baby dress( the one she got for he first birthday) and richard had put the Bettles on- something his mm loved -I just felt like sh*t-where has the time gone-what have I done with my life -their liveds our lives -empty sunk feeling while trying to clean out cupboards.

richard , I know hes really down about everything, but hes coping well ( i think) hes just kept going which I think is admirable..I know sometimes its what happens, but it was just so sudden . I still cant get my head round it. i think it will be about Christmas time before it really hits everyone.

Its weird not having course work hanging over me-I know Ive an exam but its not the same toe of pressure. Anyway, I hope your all right. I havent got a clue what im doing anymore-mind you I dont htink I ever did.

My sister tried to ring at midnight last night. Its really annoying because what if that was bad news again! She only gets offended if I try and explain that to her. Anyway, Ive got to go..Im tired 0-dont know why, i know im not anaemic-so its not that!

GO!!! To the doctors Katy!!! You ARE sick, If you look at ALL the symptoms you have wrote down - the vomitting the dizziness, the depression, the runny nose, your eyes, your toes etc, IF you dont open up to your doctor and get some help, you WILL always be like this! What are you afraid of telling the doctor what you are suffering from? I dont get it! People go to their doctors for just the sniffles, never mind what you are going through! YES there are people out there who go because they have terrible diseases, BUT the majority don't and you are SUFFERING needlessly! You suffer EVERY day, EVERY moment of the day! And I REALLY dont get this self punishment! Hes not going to put you in a mental ward Katy! He WILL help you with medications and treatments! I hae pain 24/7 365 days a year, and would NEVER think about not going to the doctors, because their are people who have cancer!!!!!! That is silly! My mom died of cancer, and my dad has a bad heart, So should I stop going to the doctors for help? Because I just have pain and skin cancer, should I stay home and not take anything?

When YOU dont go to the doctors and get help, you actually make ME feel bad! And all the other people reading your story! You are saying that BECAUSE you dont have cancer or a terrible terminal illness, you should not go to the doctor and be helped!!! Listen to what you are saying Katy! Does it make sense for you to say that? NO!!! So get off your LOW horse and get some help! STOP thinking so little of yourself and in some ways SO much of yourself!!!!! You think in a round about way, that you are TOO good to go to the doctors and get help! Look at how it seems? It makes everyone sound like loosers for going for their problems! See what I'm getting at?

So you GO tommorrow and you tell him EVERYTHING, write it down and say these words too him " I NEED Help, can you Help ME!?" That's all you need to say - he is WAITING for you to say this too him! He knows you've been lying to him and not telling him the whole story! ENOUGH Katy!

I do NOT believe that Richard's lawyer sent this letter a year later BS!!!!!! I think he is saying this to pounce! SO be aware that lawyers dont do a THING without permission AND payment!!! PERIOD! They don't send a letter a year later, without contacting their client to see what they should do! So do you think that looser of a lawyer you had last year, is now going to send Richard a letter from LAST May?! NADA!!!! So GET SOME HELP! Don't you want to feel better Katy? Or do you want to wallow in this sickness and feel like S##T EVERY DAY!?

Ok_I dont see myself as BAD for going to a doctor, but becuase im not what I would call seriously physically ill, like cant eat and delluding all over the place-that is whne id normally ( inusual terms see a doctor) I mean, i seem to go there an awful lot-but like you say without the ability of telling the whole truth-i get econical I guess-I dont know my period is due and ive a temp tonight.

What you say makes sense-but I dont know what to say!

Your so right about his lawyer-I didnt think about it like that!

Ive got to go before I get caught here. Ill let you know what happens Thank you for your help

I dont know! Maybe Im getting beter-though bad panic thismorning.It didnt help when my neighbour punced on me and he thinks its funny to do so-im only ever polite back but hes starting to annoyme because I dont get wht a 60 year old man would want to talk to me. Others say hes just lonely-but I dont think Id do that to realy good friends.

Anyway, i cant really say I had a good night sleep as I know I didnt-but I did have a magical dream-i was in somesort of disney land like oplace with floppy bunny rabbits and bouncy sheep and animals everywhere, they were all lovely and adorable I dont know what it was about -but I felt reallly happy and secure, ( wish I could go back thee!)

Im worried about goiong to the foctors- its not just about illness etc ( well there is that) but its that amount of times ive been there-what if I do my usual number?

Hi Dawn-how are you?

I dont know I cant fathom me out!
Yup! You probably guessed it! Yes-I went to the doctors - and yes, he took his time and spoke anout situation but I think hes decided Ill never do anything about it- well this is the thing, and he seemed reluctant to give out the pilss etc. I guess I can understand that , maybe hes thinking I should just feel the hangovers so to reduce my dose of alcohol etc...I dont know. Then he brought up this"how about dealing with the underlying causes?"...I was ...thinking I thought we were...but my thinking is that I cant lay of the booze until I can deal with them ( in my head better) but there me thinking nah-that could kill me-anyway, conversation got all confused and when he brought up that coment the one about dealing with underlying issues...i dont know what to say///followed by conversation ...( maybe hes not that bad, maybe, my issues arent that bad etc) Im thinking THANKS! FGS.......flet like I wanst being believed . Certainly didnt want to repeat any of it-dont want to be thinking about it -not at al and It makes me feeel so sick to the pitt of my stomach and I felt so hurt-whats the point? This is why , this is why I cant see how anyone CAN HELP ME!!! i CAN ONLY HELP MYSELF OUT HERE!!!......I had a really really bad drean last night too=it was like al my fears in one big jolt......Dawn I dont know what to do. I dont want to take the medication if they think I am just counteracting it with another drug- so therefor they think its a waist of the taxpayers money and theyre generic /drug budget..or, do I carry on with these pills that make me feel wired and spaced quit the drin k totaly and run off some place..or drink myself stupid........Honestly i habve it planned ..it not like anyone really cares enough anyway so I don tknow why I should worry..I cant talk about it anymore...I cant feel it if i dont talk about it ..It didnt happen to me...that happened to someone else...Im just going to tel it to f**k off and leave me alone..if he comes near me again with his thing Ill hammer it off and the and e departmwent can bloody well sort him out..Ill have donet eh rest Thats not right is it???? :$ o.O

Then there was the optician said blah blah blah...Doctor doesnt believe me and I dont know who to bloody weel believe I had 2 opticaians telling me this is what it is 2!!!!! Then plus the....you cant wera contacts...so maybe I should aske my docotr if I could drive-maybe then that would make more sense!!! Im so frustrated...I dont know what to do...should I go back and ask "what did you mean by dealing with the underlying issues-erm.....I think in order to do that Id need to be institutionalised" I truly do!! Then theres that its not that bad...it is in my head..it is Does that sound so mental so mellow dramatic? Does it? I cant deal with it..I cant deal with my mother hugging Richard as well,,, and I cant deal with these solicitor leeters. and oh wow sh*t Thats a massive big bill my uni has sent me i better go and sort this out or im goona get banned form doing my studies!

Anyway, weve big bosses apparently coming to worlk so im in clean mode. I dont know wht to do dawn! I feel ive lost all support! I feel like everyone hates me( which they probably do!) I dont want to speak to anyone. my stomach is back to I dont know-thought I was going to die in the school lous today..thought I was going to fall down the toilet whole and its all cause of my period too.

On reflectin I think that drink place has got it wrong. I mean, if your drinking cause your addicted and its your habit-how can they leave you to your own devices and expect people to get better. People like me , like this need to deal with the issues first in order to stop -you cant just stop because you knkow its bad for you, and that why I cant stop it..Im still here...he could still grab me with all his strength and throw me down on the hallway floor and all the rest he could still do that-though I dont think he will its been a while since hes touched me like that- and its been so long its almost like ive forgotten forgiven not that i have because im still this screwed up mess that i am..I want to change my name! Sorry, but I m lost now

I don think the bank is going to lend me this money and then that will be it!
Becca 9 my little one knows I dont want to be on my own at night, so she sleeps with me just now!) But I dont think she wants to be alone either she scared of the dark!

Anyway, sorry to go on and on-Id make a great washing machine thats for sure! Sorry. hope your okay!

Im in a true effing mess! Theres not really anything to say now! You know your depressed when you look at an old person and thinkg "f**k I hope I never make it to that age!"...I should watch what I say I know I should, but that was my thinking today!

Ive 3 months to sort this little dilema out ( paying for my course!)

Im now going to go and bug my housing officer. I cant do this anymore. Wether I feel sorry for him or not -it doesnt change anythign does it? Like you say a leopard will never change his spots- so ill just have to move and be strong.

Im so depressed though and if I go through this I am goign to need a hell lot more new support because I was thinking if things hadbnt happened as a child to either one of me or my sister and YES we blame it on our parents lack of communication , netither one of us would drink. Now we are both alcoholics-hjjust some can cope better than others on it! I wish I was her-home -job-nice boyfriend. i cant imagin ever having a nice boyfriend. I just need a holiday. Right im off to phone housing sod this!

Is it any wonder? So lets have a look whats available - ah yes, we forgot to mention only the toughest area left in bloody the entirrity of edinburgh -the ground floor of a huge twer block/ Niddrie- come on Some one help me! Sod this ...this is really really bad. A) I have no funding for my course. B) I cant apply for funds, C) I havent a clue where I stand. D) I cant bloody stand for long 1) it hurts 2 ) I get dizzie. Is it no wonder. This is what I mean there is help out ther and there is help. This is not a place for 3 females to live that want any quality of life I d rather stay put for the time being. How long do I ahve to wait has anyone any ide awhat kind of damage this is doing to me and my children and then theres the fact that people think i m doing nothing to get out..is it any waibnder i cant be arsed anyjmore with the lot of everyone. No one is helping me herer, The only person that can help me is if some one was to get an anesthisist and a shot gun. and put me down . Thsi is really sh*t. Reallly sh*t. Why bother. Ive probably got bbetter qualifixations than some doctors aor pfff lawyers and evem oif \I HAVENT I danmn well should have . I am fed up struggling , fed up being used, and fed up taliking about it fed uop . I want out what does it take I need to get out but gettin out is not moving to Niddrie thats the worst klinsd of getting out I know of . Im fed up really angry and iom off to visit my Mp./

Well nothings working. I might go get some bricks put them in my pocket and then.......

Anyway, optician is still arguing differently from my doctor and is insisting I wear my glasses all the time to sort out balnce defects, so Im going back to see if I can get contacts-she said that the contacts can wobble with your eyes..or theyll hurt my eyes...great Anyway, im just having a bad day. I might go play football with the girls or somethign .Try and get rid of tension. Its so much easier to type with my specs on!

1st of all Katie I CARE ABOUT YOU!!! And what your doctor was getting at is he KNOWS there are reasons why you drink - so that is what he is trying to say! He might be a little fed up! Did you tell him what is going on with Richard? I have been reading what I have written and your answers! And I want to apologize to you Katy! I am telling you what to do, and you don't know how! I am not next to you dialing the numbers, writing down things, I am DEMANDING you do this and that, and you are like "Well OK, BUT HOW?!!!!!" So I am VERY sorry about that honey! I get SO mad at Richard and what has happened to you so I am like - GO GET EM!!! I am like a momma bear when someone hurts someone I care about! I WILL take you down anyway I can, and I am bascially doing that BUT expecting you to do it!!! I really didn't realize that ill now! so sorry again!

Lets take this one step at a time, and deal with one thing at a time OK? Lets see if you feel better wearing your glasses - did you know that if you can't see well, or are missing your glasses you actually can't think straight?!!! So lets get that sorted out first - contacts I think are a waste of time for you, since you have such an astigmatism you should wear glasses I think! Try it for a couple of days and see how you feel with it!

Take a breath and just lets refocus on doing things nice and slow OK? BIG HUGS!

Dawn-Hi! One big bad day yesterday!! One okayish -so far day today.

Right dawn youll probably give me a row - I dont know-but i dont want to take htose meds. I also dont want to go back to the drinks nurse-or my dcotor until I am physically sick and I dont ever have to explain myself again!

Im loosing trust in everything and everyone! Myself being one of them!

having said that , I managed half a bottle of wine last night - no tablets this morning-and so far im okay! I dont want to be pestering anyone anymore-whats the point- if I cant do a damn thing about it-and that what people think-but with this coalition gvt and lack of social housing and even the mere facts that architexccts are out of work suggests im gonna be stuck in this state for a long time-unless I rent privatley.

I was going through it today. My gp did ask "how do you see yourself in 5 years?"..Im thinking 6ft under that way at least id be happy-trithfully I dont think that the truth. I was thinking about it in terms of life entire lives and my problem is/was is still is is, I expect to die young.always have and still do-ive just always thought it

I dont get what you really have to apologise about. Youve been more patient thatn some of my best riend. Oh god that reminds me Ive been awake since 3 am-I cant stop worrying. My ex emailed me to tell me he had had a baby boy ( how lovely-but helllooooooooooooooo??) Then I asked him about a friend of mine at uni...hes not seen or heard form her in years..but she was living round the corner from him-so I dont get this and I havent stopped worrying. Anyway, im not in themood to talk about anything else. I just know Ive had one awful period. Loads of blood and clots and people keep comenting that ive lost weight-I dont notice it though. Why are people cometning on that/ I was thining the opposite! Anyway, got to go. Youve no reason AT ALL to be sorry to me-youve been nothing more than a patient kind friend. Take care!

Im just wondering why I have never ben offered naltrexone-instead of citalopram and antabuse? is naltrexone just the same as baclofen? Im confused. also I disagree with the prescribing of antabuse - and I always will. Its in my view inhumane and teaches the person with a problem- that they can never drink again. This implies that they will always be an alcoholic-which isnt true-is it? Plus its a continioning punishment!

You'e looking at it like you aren't an alcoholic, so thus you view it as a punishment not a way to help you! I was bascially a herroine addict - with the percs i was on! I can NEVER take those again or I WILL be right back to being an addict! You KNOW that you aren't suppoed to drink, but you NEED to - to help with the crazyiness around you! The antabuse is to STOP you drinking, but just like your doctor said, you are not addressing the underlying issues that causes you to drink! You aren't a social drinking you are a need drinker, you NEED it to help you! So he is asking you 'WHY?" And the answer isn't easy is it? There are SO many reasons why you NEED to drink, so where do you start!

I am on Clonazepam and Cymbalta - these are the BEST I swear! My girlfriend gave me a Citalopram and it knocked me sideways! I did NOT feel good on it! So later on perhaps ask about it!

No Dawn- this is just it- I am the crazy one! No one listens properly[Ive spent the entire night pkanning on my end-how i cant forgive myself for being a better mum, girlfriend, trustee. Im planning it-because financially I am screwed. Im planning it because the world around me seems so selfish( and Im one of them) that i cant cope anymore. I cany handle beung neeeded anymore- THEY DONT LISTEN! I cant handle being missunderstood by my doctor, my mum, and I dont want to talk abot my dad. and then I think f**k it stop it-grow up - they need you! I wish yjru didnt. i read on here about infetile woman , or woman that are worried theu mau be expecting, of woman that would only wish for that dream! Hmmm, babies, children they are wonderful-but they cannot be abused= on any miss fashion. Im not like my mum yet( apparently shes been diagnosed with lupus but f**k I dont knwo what that is!) I want do anything stupid-but ive been tinking aboutit for hours-and thats what gets me- thats one reason why I started to drink- to block it out-its not working anymore- and I certaubly do not want to drink more!Anyway-Im not going to do anything stupid-yet-im just thinking about it because well I have no friends, no one to talk to , just my children and believe me theres times where theu drive you dto drink ) but you are more than aware of that)....I feel like the only way I can talk to people about my issues is by being a little but pissed-but well im not allowed either.oh sod it - O dont know-ive my dream and im thinking i cant afford my course so ill have to round about the earthe and switch back to nursing!Sorry.I just hope one day Ill have bigger eyes and see the fuller picture. i off couse know drinking does nothelp. I remeber my big sister being really annoying and blah blah- but when I stop abusing myself Im still so insular..O cant handle this materialostic society at all-so you understand or think im a raving looney like eveyone else? I know if I can even just start to make ahead or a real true means to future then ill get to grips with it- but i cant eat either at the moment-not properlyand ive a lump in my neckthats bugging me but after this ladt month id rather not go near a cdoctorNYWAYS, im offf to bed..I dont want to cry and gld for my typoos sorry you jad to suffer them!

I dont know what is going on with me! Im really bad today- and cold coming! Throat sore etc...well thats not important hopefully its something really nasty so I dont have to make a decision! My decision here is made, but hteres not a lot I can do about it - and its unfair that people are so judgemental, I got low thinking that even my own doctor, some one that I thought perhaps understood, could say "YOu jave plenty of opportunitites to get out, something to the efefects of if you were going to you would have done it by now" ( well that s how I felt - and then thinkin gee sh*t even he has given up on me...So Im not taking medication anymore-anyway..that medication makes you to dreary to do anything

Anyway, I think i might have to change doctors..in fact I d like to maybe my notes could get lost in the system and maybe just maybe they wouldnt have me recorded as an alky , I meanthats never going to benefit anyone is it!Anyway, Dawn I feel like your thae last person I cant talk to now. I just have to stay calm something will come up soon!

Im thinking about quitting my course, I can tget funding, and I cant handle the stress and still have thew worry that I might not get a better hjob at the end of it all!

Sorry, im feeling sh*t-and yes I will drink to night- I can guarantee ita s I am feeling really lonely and my mum is coming round..She drives me to the pitts of desair ( even though I love her ) and I need a drink -everytime!Quote:

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Okay, ive no response from you Bambi and I see you as a very busy woman! You would have made a good GP! anyway, when I told my doctor my problems stemmed from birth- I really was not joking. So My research is going to be on that! I want to do research ) an I know this sounds really selfish) but I want to research those babies that survived prematuirtiy and that are adults now. I want to understand-because and I know it sounds selfish-butive lived with it-so why not? I think that its as though I miss that hair on my skin, like eyelashes protect the eyes- I feel really raw! ( Thats not my partners fault!) I crave being touched afeectionately but certainly not sexually -affection means so much more to me-does that make any sense? Because I dont get the affection= that i want I feel hurt.

But hey, without conviction-Imsorry but I think ( him er) is the same! Im not going into to detail- theres never any intimacy between us-apart from when he buried his mum and made me do a mouth job! Ive now got a really sore throat and feel so disrespectful for it that i cant eat! Do i make any sense? I feel i can talk toyou about it because u see you read about proper sex problems= _ i dont have these as Ivenot had sex in as many as 7 years! I dont even like the word sex,it put a meaningless word on something that should be passion-and thats how i see it! Soory-probably too much detail there-but I had to speak out about the inticacies! But ereally itnot the most important thing either-I just want to be I guess neede, wanted and maybe even loved so I can do the same back!