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Hi, My Name Is Jamie, I am 15 years old, and I have been hurting myself since I was 3 years old. It started when my family, My mother, father and 2 older sisters, who are 7 and 9 years older then me, started fighting. I did not understand why they were fighting, but I felt really guilty, and I felt like it was my fault and that I should have been punished. So I started to hit, pinch and bite myself. I did this when ever I felt guilty. When I was 8 the fighting got worse. When I was 5 my mother started drinking, and my sisters started drinking and doing drugs, my dad always worked the nightshift at his work, so he really didn't see all of this.. The cops would always come to my house. I felt stressed and guilty about it even though i wasn't my fault. i started to pull my hair out until my scalp was bleeding, that only made me want to do it more. My mom left my dad and I one week after me 12th birthday. I thought it was my fault, she came home drunk soaking wet from the pouring rain and we got into a fight, I ran off to my room, and my dad went to go take a shower, my mother grabbed her purse and left without saying bye.  3 years later she is in Indiana, still drinking, she has a new boyfriend who doesn't even like her because she drinks. But anyways, I started to hit myself even more after she elft I felt so guilty and I fell into depression disorder. I would hit myself in the back of the head with a hairbrush and bang my head against the wall until I almost passed out. When I was 13, in 8th grade I resorted to cutting. I only cut my right hip. I have a lot of scars from it. I do it whenever I am mad at myself, or I am angry, Or I feel guilty. My 4 bestfriends know. My sisters know. I want to tell my dad, but he already said he wont take me to see a phsychiatrist because it is to much money and that I just need to get over my problems.. I want to stop cutting.. My bestfriends want me stop. My sisters want me to stop. But I can't on my own, I have tried.. When I do it, something triggers in my brain and I dont feel okay until I do it. I am not me when I do it, i am there but I cannot control myself. I dont feel any pain until the next day.. It makes me happy to do it. I know it shouldnt, but sometimes I feel like I need to be punished, So I cut. I have anxiety, and bipolar disorder. I am not on any medication for either because my dad doesn't think I have anything wrong with me. But latley the cutting is getting worse.. I want to stop, somebody please help me..

 

                                                         Thanks for reading this if you do.

                                                                   -Jamie Lee.

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hello jamie,

I know exactly how you feel, and I too am a cutter, i too feel guilty and that i need to be punished for things that happened but were not my fault. I was just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it is another thing that makes me a problem child to my parents. I have been cutting for about 5 years or so, and i too want to stop. I am doing better with it, and not doing it every single day any more, but i can tell you that you can not stop doing it yourself because your body craves it when things go wrong. I know this because i still dont feel better until i pick up the razor and cut, but i have been baker acted twice now, and they got me the help i need. I cant do it on my own, nor can you. However, since your dad refuses to help you and get u the help you need, if you would like we can help eachother and i can give u some ideas on getting on the road to stopping. I know for me i have to keep my hands busy and my mind busy with good thought or music or something to keep the bad thoughts in check. Also, when u get the urge to cut, try to catch when you are about to, i know thiat will b hard because you dont realize you are doing it. it is like you are asleep and someone else takes over ur body right? but try to realize when you are having the craving to do it, and write down what causes it. then go outside with paper and try to write cut all over a paper until the urge gets less and less to a point where u can deal with whatever is going on. I am sorry for ur family troubles and want you to know u r right in that it is not ur fault. You are not alone sweetie, and I am willing to help you in any way possible. u can get thru this, we can beat this monster... together :D . I am very glad you reached out for help, it shows you are strong and very brave

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Jamie, try and resist the temptation. Their are lots of websites over the internet telling you what you can do, when i use to self harm i used to go onto childline, or ring them and speak to a councilor, it makes you feel a hole lot better knowing you aare talking to someone who deals with this kind of stuff every day, take my advice hope all goes well!
Jade.
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