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Hello,

I am 19 years old. Recently I have gone through a lot...typically I woudn't share my private life with anyone especially strangers, but I just find that it may be easier to allow people I don't know to hear my story then to share it with someone I know.

At the beginning of June I lost my dad, he had a massive heart attack and just couldn't be saved. The things about this is we had just met and were finally building the father daughter relationship I had always invisioned for myself. After loosing him I just wadsn't sure of what to feel...I mean how do you grieve for someone who you didn't really know!? Which brings me to the topic I came to discuss...after a few days of finding out I found myself desperate to rid the heartache I was feeling, I wasn't sure what would help, but I decided sex would be my escape, which was my mistake. It was the first time I had ever had sex, so I was infact loosing my virginity to a boy I had no feelings for, just so I could feel anything but numb. After having sex my first though was immiadietly "I am going to hell!" I felt even worse then before. After awhile I started to feel rather weird, so I made an appointment and my life changed that very day. I walked out shocked, confused, and scared. My doctor announced I was pregnant. My natural reaction was "this can't be so!" but it was. Within a few days I had made the descion to abort the baby. I just graduated, I have college, and I have a job working with young teen girls who look up to me and I don't believe being pregnant at 19 would make their parents love me. I was freaking out, but I didn't want the judgement and the ridicule. As I went in to see my doctor that day I didn't know how to feel. Frankly I wanted to feel nothing, I just wanted it to be over, I realize that probably sounds selfish, but I thought if it went fast I would have no time to think about what I was doing. I have NEVER believed abortion was the right thing to do and here I was making that choice. It has been two weeks and my emotions have taken me on quit the ride, I didn't realize how badly it would hurt me until my thoughts finally settled down. Now I am just in a stage of anxiety, like that feeling of constantly wanting to run away into the night so that I won't have to deal with my problems, but I also know your problems follow no matter where you are. I just don't know anoymore about anytihng. I thought aborting the baby would be the best option, but now I want more than anything to go back and fix the mistake I made. I feel awful all the time now and I have been having dreams where I have this beautiful little boy, but I always kill him in them! I hate it. Surely someone else knows what I am talking about...please, I just need some comforting words.

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Im 16. I've never been pregnant. And, trust me. What you did was the best. You couldn't have raised an illegitimate child on your own. Don't worry. Technically, only when the foetus's heart starts to beat, it is alive. Until then, its just a mass of cells. Just like any other cell in our body. Don't think of it as a baby. If you don't overthink it, you wont get the dreams, i promise. I have started to have sex, and i use protection, because i personally think babies are nice, but not to raise. And im not emotionally mature for the baby. Besides, would you rather be a bad and neglectful mom whose kid's life is hell or would you be one who is ready to welcome your kid? Think about it. Hope this helps.
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