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My abortion (surgical) was done a year ago in 3 days. I cried like crazy when I first found out I was pregnant, and when I told my loving boyfriend of 2 years (now 3!) the next morning. We already knew what we wanted to do, and it was backed up by the fact that I had lost my job just weeks before conception and was going to take a while to get on my feet (and no health insurance, to boot!).

I had very little guilt because I knew that we couldn't care for a child like it would deserve... and we both have always said we did NOT want ANY CHILDREN (ever). I only had a few pangs of sadness and guilt as I threw my best friends baby shower only two weeks after my procedure.


Here we are, one year later. We are back on our feet, financially settled, and I have my dream job.... which does not really allow for children..... I am a horse trainer. Working twenty some horses a day, and giving lessons, traveling to shows, none of it allows for a baby. And my boyfriend is much older than I am, and believe that his window has closed for parenthood.

I am now having extremely vivid dreams of pregnancy.. some are labor dreams, some are shopping for clothes (boy clothes, usually). The other night was the worst one. I felt "HIM" kick. A big kick.. (this is a dream, still!). I walked around and asked my friends if they wanted to feel our boy kick. I woke up in a complete panic and sweat. It's been going on for months!


Do I want to have a child? Some times I believe that I really do. We honestly live in a pretty "eff'd up" world these days and I don't know that I'd want to bring more life into it.. but.. my family is very small. My parents are much older than average, and I only have one sibling. My boyfriend is much older than I am, and I have a fear of being old and alone. I know that I shouldn't want to have a baby so that it could take care of ME when I am old.... but it's almost now or never. (well, in the next year or two anyways) but now I am just starting to break into the horse industry at full throttle - I don't want to mess that up!


I came clean about my dreams and emotions to my very supportive boyfriend - who asked "Is it the pregnancy you want? Or is it a CHILD you want?" good question, honey!!!

I believe it is the pregnancy I yearn for. Nurturing a baby to life. Should we consider surrogacy? We are very big supporters of LBGT couples and that good people should be able to have good families no matter their sexual orientation. Is this something that I could look into? Finding a couple that cannot have a child of their own so that I can grow one for them? Or will this make my urge for a CHILD (for myself) even stronger?

I just love my boyfriend so much, we are planning to get married very soon..... is it just that I love him SO much that I would love to see what our baby might look like? Is it just because I am 25 and my biological clock is thinking "HEY YOU.... you should be pregnant by now!!"


What is it?!!??


I suggest you go for a counseling session with a therapist. You have not worked through some of your feelings and it should take only a few sessions to help you through it. These days there are no such thing as a biological clock. Lots of women have baby's at the age of 40 so don't be fooled into anything. Nurture yourself and you will be fine.