The thing is, I am really turned on by the thought of a woman's naked body. I don't necessarily watch hardcore porn, but I do enjoy yuri manga and stories the most, and even though I have read rather explicit heterosexual manga, I seem to find my mind always wanders to the female body the most during "the" scenes.
In my 18 years of life, I have never had a boyfriend (sad I know), and even though I have had some very minor crushes (that evidently did not amount to anything - though that's probably because I'm too shy), looking back, they seemed kinda false - like I had to have an attraction to some boy to be considered normal. To be truthful, I still look at boys now and think "he looks/seems nice", but none of them really make my heart beat. I just feels like I'm lying to myself and hoping someone might be interested in me to get my mind off of these type of thoughts. The only person my heart really ached for was my best friend in secondary school - a girl. I don't know what it was - she's quite standoffish, and blunt, but she's also intelligent and fun. My heart always seemed to skip a beat when she'd text me, as (and I know this was me being way too hopeful) they always seemed to be cute and almost flirtish (though that was probably due to her comfortableness around me). Whats more is that she is stunning, almost perfect in appearance. As you probably guessed I never told her any of this, and we still try to remain in contact, along with our other friends from school.
Even in my dreams I seem to be that way, as normally if I have a dream when I'm in any sort of relationship, I end up being a guy that is dating and making out with a girl - please note that I do not believe I am transgender as I am happy and content as a woman (even though I do wonder what I'd be like as a man but that's just curiosity).
Now this can be a factor or not, but I never really considered myself girly. Don't get me wrong, I love cute things, own quite stylish clothes and like to maintain what I consider a good appearance (including worrying about weight), but when it comes to the more stereotypical girl stuff, I probably don't cut it. I don't normally indulge in make up (to be honest, I think its nice but a pain in the a**), I prefer shirts and trousers now (never used to), I tease and I'm loud, actually have quite a perverted mind, interested in what some might consider gross or weird, addicted to video games, quite crude when I'm in my own company, find girl etiquette a pain in the a** too, and in general don't seem very feminine (at least in my eyes - I am talking stereotypes here). It's funny really, cause I'm polite and fairly normal in public society standards (and incredibly shy and quiet), but when it comes to home standards that's a bit more complicated (like when I'm on my own or in front of my parents).
Please, I need serious help, I don't know what to do and I don't have anywhere else to vent off this frustration. Am I possibly a lesbian, or am I just a bi-curious confused teen?
To the people who responded first: thank you for the serious suggestions.
To Tommy, all I have to say is: WOW. I never thought I'd live to see the day when a neanderthal man managed to process the complex workings of a computer with that "munimum" sized brain. I'd rather be penniless than a w**** thank you.
To kris21, thank you for letting me know I am not alone in these feelings. I appreciate the thought :)
You said you've been dealing with this for a few years, so just in case this is still a relevant topic to you:
Anyhow, my tidbit:
First, remember to differentiate between which gender you would like to have a relationship with, and which gender you would like to have sex with. For some people, this is not the same answer. You seem to want a relationship with a female. Talking, kissing, cuddling, and holding hands with this girl all seem appealing to you, I presume. If this is the only girl you've ever felt this way about, perhaps it's just her unique personality, and you could feel similarly about a boy with the same one. However, if you would enjoy this with several girls, perhaps you are leaning toward the "not straight" category, at least for now (Please remember that for some people, sexuality is fluid and can change as you do).
However, that said, when people refer to hetero- , homo- , or bi- sexual, they're usually referring to whom you would prefer to "sleep with". You haven't made it clear which gender that is to you, but I think that's where your answer lies. You described your friend as "stunning, almost perfect in appearance". You therefore appear to have an archetype of what YOU consider an "attractive" female body. Do you have a similar mold for a male body? Not what is stereotypically attractive, but what YOU would like to touch, kiss, and feel on a man? Does the idea of having your friend (or any girl that you're attracted to) under your fingers, undressed and whimpering your name turn you on? (Or vice versa, perhaps you prefer bottom) Well, honey, you probably like women. I know that seems like a simplistic response to your problem, though.
And did you know there's a scale for Gay-ness? It's called the Kinsey Scale. It's traditionally used for sexual experience, but it can also be used for sexual preference. It's a 1 - 7 Scale, where 1 is completely straight, 7 is completely homosexual, and 4 is a "true" bisexual. Perhaps you generally prefer women, but there are a few select men out there than can make you tick, so you aren't what you consider a "lesbian", and you're a 5 or a 6.
Also, try to forget the whole "stereotypically girl" bit. Completely girly, feminine women can be lesbian, and the tomboy that never wore any panties but boxers a day in her life can be straight.
Honestly, this is a journey I made myself, too, so if you would like to talk about this further, I would very much like to chat with you as well. Just reply, and maybe we can e-mail or something.
Lastly, fabulous writing, ma'am! I truly appreciate someone who can communicate with eloquence.
i have the same problem as her. we have been friends for 4 months. at first,i didnt like her at all. but when we get more closer,i found her cute and charming.We have many same hobbies.Especial GAY. Yes, we all love gay. And she told me that she was gay.( not lesbian).it means she JUST liked men or gay.but her appearance as a normal girl.she has long hair and care about her weight. And about me, i like gay but still have interested in men.especial handsome men. And these days, i keep thinking of her.waiting for her message and chatting with her about the boy groups,gay films,fanfics.... that we both like.when we talked to each other about that things,i found i'm very very happy.i dont know i feel happy when i talk to her or when we are talking about our hobbies. and you know what? i started imaging that we would kiss and have sex....what was wrong with me?????i usually have many pervert thoughts in my mind.....i even a little jaelous when she talks to other boys or girls...yes..i like her...but my feelings for her ,it came suddenly...and i'm so confused...because in the past,i liked boys and hated lesbians( i'm so sorry about that). but why now ....? i want to tell her what i'm feeling so bad. those feelings keep destroying me everyday.but i'm scared.i'm afraid that she will unfriend me,ignore me. And our friendship will be my confession break out! i used to thought i would left the University where i were studying.( because i dont like my major). but in the end i dont want to leave her. exactly is i dont want her to feel lonely when i'm not by her side anymore. that thought brought me back to school and i still study at shool until now. please tell me what to do. Should i tell her what i feel?or keep it for myself as a secret?
I know you wrote this a year ago, but based on this we sound a lot alike :) I have exactly the same issue. If you want we can email, just send me a Private Message :) Good luck!
I found your post very interesting. I am coming up on my 33rd birthday and am going through a mid life crisis lol. One of my resolutions this year was to figure out why nothing turns me on anymore I haven't had a flicker in years. I have a 3 year old and am recently separated for a bunch of crazy reasons cheating and addiction were 2. I have an apointment to see a specialist tomorow and see if she can offer some insite on what is wrong with me I really hope she can help. I feel like life is so empty I use to be so sexual eventhough a man could never give me an orgasim. I started faking it so they wouldn't feel bad and now maybe due to stress I cant even give myself an orgasim. I'm so frustraited I feel robbed of the one thing that still feels good and relaxing. I have had numerous people ask me if I am a lesbian and I have had women aproch me. I apreciate the femail body more then the male body but that could be because I am an artist. I like to feel wanted whether it is a woman or man. I feel like men just take from me what they want but women give and listen and are gentle so it apeal to me in that sence. The deal breaker is when I think of getting up close and personal with a vagina it doesnt make me excited I don't even really like my own vagina all that much. I feel like I should try to be with a girl just to rule it out once and for all but i'm such a mess right now I doubt anyone could even get my groin fluttering its a baren waste land I am so sad to have potentially lost the only thing left in my life that could make me feel good. Thanks for listening.....
Give yourself more credit then you are about your feelings.. They are your best friend for a reason. Examine the similarities in your belief systems to talk about something of this magnitude. If your belief systems do not allow talk of this kind you can always plant a seed for the future to open up about something like this. But I wholeheartedly believe the mind is a stubborn b***h that won't let things go that are true to your development. If its been a few years maybe you two need to have a talk. Just dont down play yourself- these feelings your having are vaild, the thoughts your exploring are needed [god may work in mysterious ways but so does the mind]. You never know it could all boil down to a simple admiration but also there also could be much more just under the surface you had yet to explore because of this barrier that's been created. Think things through and trust yourself and you should be well on your way to figuring this out. And DO NOT BE AFRAID- you may feel vulnerable about the subject but the only way to gain strength is to face your fear. Or so I've been told. At least, this is what I would like my best friend to know if she was going through something similar. That and I love her no matter what may come and go in her life. Present feelings included. But I'd drop everything for her. So that could quite possibly be the influence of my response.
i feel the same wa
I originally created this post at a time when my self esteem and confidence were particularly low, and the feelings inside me regarding romance and sex just confused me. This was further complicated by the fact I had never been in a relationship, so felt as if I was missing a certain something to make sense of the jumbled mess inside of my head. It turns out I was my own limiter, and the crux of my issues boiled down to sorting out my own sense of self first, before making sense of my feelings.
I started to open up, chip away at the shyness, reach out to people, improve my lifestyle; everything I did had a snowball effect and now I feel confident as a young adult, and as a result more accepting of my feelings - willing to dissect their meaning more readily!
I still haven't had a date, but I'm more comfortable with that fact now, focusing more on personal projects and my own happiness. With regards to whether I figured out my orientation, I firmly believe I am demisexual with lesbian tendancies - a random offshoot but I think it is what best represents the things I feel.
Despite the long delay, I would still be up for contacting you if you are still willing. If not I would completely understand, and I simply say thank you for your time (for your initial response, and reading this if you do), and comment on my writing. I hope it hasn't waned in quality over the years :)
Also, ditto to your own eloquence. It truly is a delight to read a response so informative and friendly, whilst not compromising on the finesse!
If you still want to (despite me not being on here for a few years) I'm game :) just let me know and il see if I can rediscover my login stuff for this site!
- confusedyurigirl