Hello. I'm 13. And I don't know whether I'm depressed or not. I refuse to feel it. I hate it. I despise it. I do know that my father himself had symptoms of illnesses. He was depressed often and had a major anger issue. Now, I have it myself. Since I was 10 actually,
Earlier today I cried in my math class; due to my fear of my mother. If you are wondering why I am afraid of my mother, it is because I was raised strictly, as a child my mother would tell me math is extremely important for my future, she'd nag and nag about it. Till this day, she still does. I feel extremely pressured about this and whenever my math teacher asks me to solve a problem, I get so much pain in me. I can't even think or process the problem. Sometimes I even start to cry, I am so afraid of my mother. She has abused me before, lecturing me and telling me I'm stupid, idiotic and maybe a psychopath.
I am not bad at maths, I understand fractions and such. But whenever a test occurs I often get so afraid, that I cannot even solve the problems. Even the simplest equation, such as addition, I remember that I even failed that due to my f*****g fear of failure and yelling.
I am also so strange, I do have friends, a lot actually, but it bothers me that some people see me as a quaint child. I don't want to be strange, but thanks to my damn anger issue; I am so aggressive.
I even yell out "I WANT TO DIE!" This one boy, that I hate, told me to do so. "Yeah, kill yourself." I get so angry, I want slam his head with a hammer. My father is like me, whenever he works, he always complains about idiots in his work, saying that he wants to shoot people in the head.
Of course, he doesn't, nor do I. I've only kicked someone once, I don't want to again. I am so strange that I laugh so loudly, that people stare at me. I yell and scream so loud, that people fear me.
I don't know if these are hormones, but I've been nearly like this since I was 10-11. Now I'm 13, I still want to die. I am sick of my mother always nagging at me, I know she cares, but it's so annoying. I can even cry right now by thinking about her.
I fear my father as well. He has done some horrible things, I don't wanna be like him. Nor am I "Emo" I dress normally, but my behavior is strange. Of course, I have happy times. But sometimes I am so unsatisfied with myself. I act so aggressively for the smallest mistakes I do.
I am getting more rude and aggressive whenever people insult me. I try to be okay, but I can't anymore. I want to tell the teachers, but they don't always help.
Am I strange? Am I mentally Ill like my father? Does it pass?
Help me. I can't figure it out myself, my knowledge isn't good enough for this.
You have a had a lot to deal with for sure.
No doubt being exposed to your dad's anger issues and your mom's pressure to do well you must feel over-whelmed at times.
You have expressed how you feel and what your going through very well and it's great that you have had only one incident where you kicked someone shows even with your anger your still able to maintain control.
You might benefit from keeping a journal it gives you a chance to express and write down how your feeling what triggered or upset you and you can also look at ways you could respond differently to situations.
Puberty can cause mood swings and a variety of different behaviors and that could be part of how your feeling at times.
Talking with your school counselor would benefit you a great deal the counselor could hopefully find you some support to help you deal with the problems you are having.
You probably felt a lot of relief after your post and if you had the opportunity to talk regularly with a counselor the chance to talk openly and honestly about how your feeling and what you have been through and what your going through could help you a lot.
Don't focus on putting a label on yourself your a 13 year old that has no doubt had to deal with a lot of scary things at times and you are struggling with some of your problems as well.
You should be very proud of yourself for how well you have been able to cope with these things and for recognizing it's time to ask for help.
I hope you will talk to your school counselor or to your mom about getting some help to sort through things.