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My partner of 4 years is the most negative, angry person I've ever met. He has a history of violence towards other men, but has toned this down a lot since meeting me. He's occasionally intimidating and verbally hostile to people in the world he gets into confrontations with, but no violence.  I feel like I'm walking on egg-shells living with him. The slightest trivial thing will cause him to go into a rage. Our house is full of holes in walls where he's punched them, and he's smashed up our belongings on occasion. We have lots of pets (incidentally that I do most of the looking after) and he often takes his irritations out on them. I feel like saying 'why do you have all these animals if they annoy you so much' but it would just cause an argument! If a cat is in his way or a dog won't do as he's told he'll hit them. I challenge him about his behaviour - it really upsets me, but he either ignores me or justifies it by saying he's irritated. He's never been violent towards me, but one time he pushed me over and another time when I stood nose to nose with him because he was trying to intimidate me (he's a big guy!) he put his hand on my shoulder and pushed me aggressively.  Whenever I talk to him about his anger he'll say it's because he's in pain or tired or some other excuse. He is disabled and struggles to walk because of extreme pain in a leg. So I try to take on more so things aren't so hard for him. But it's getting to the point where I'm running myself ragged to make his life easier, while my life becomes very stressful.  Now we have a baby. He's good with her but I do most of the childcare; partly because I want to and partly because he's in pain and stuff. But it's hard work and now I'm looking after her, the animals, doing most of the housework and tomorrow I go back to work part-time. I'm exhausted! And yet I still manage to stay upbeat and give him and our baby all my love and attention. I have a sling and carry her with me while I get everything done. But it's getting to the point where me and the baby are happy playing in a morning and then he'll get up and all hell breaks loose! Things are being thrown, he's shouting and swearing. I've started getting out of the way. I used to just roll my eyes and ignore him until he'd calmed down, and hoped when the baby came along he'd make an effort to control his anger more, but things are no different. But I do have a much lower tolerance for his behaviour and I don't want my daughter to think this is the right way to express anger.  When I confront him about his anger he usually finds some way to blame me or change the subject so somehow I'm in the wrong. He leaves me feeling manipulated and takes the wind from my sails.  Yesterday is a perfect example of an argument: he smokes heavily, and smokes around the baby. He knows I don't like it but I gave up on that argument ages ago. He doesn't believe in passive smoking. But we have an air purifier and he at least sits next to that on the other side of the room. But yesterday I was sat playing with the baby next to him and he lit up. Smoke went into her face. I picked her up quickly and walked away and asked him that in future could he tell me before he lights up so I can move the baby, or just not do it while she's right next to him. He told me not to criticise  him. I said I didn't, simply made a request, but he insisted I was criticising him. Then we had an argument about whether or not I'd criticised him. Eventually I just gave up and shut up.  I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to split up my daughter's family and I don't want to leave him struggling to manage without me. I really don't know how he'll cope! I do almost everything around the house, walk the dogs, bring most of the money in, etc. But I don't want my daughter being brought up around such negativity and anger. Things are so calm and quiet when it's just me and her. I've started fantasising about how nice and easy our lives would be if it were just the two of us. And I worry about his behaviour towards her as a toddler, child, etc. He's great with her now, while she's a baby, but what about when she's two and she's being challenging. Will he have patience or shout at her like he does me? I don't know. I love him and really care for him. Otherwise we get on great and have loads in common. We like each others' company when things are ok. But his angry outbursts never change, despite all his promises that when we move he'll be less stressed, or when we pay off that debt he'll be less stressed. There's always another thing to replace the stressful thing. Should I just leave or keep trying to help him or talk things through?

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If you don't do something he will only get worse. I think you should demand that he goes to the Dr to get on meds for his anger and if his Dr thinks he needs therapy for his anger then he has to do it. Make it clear to him that you are willing to work with him to better himself but if he doesn't get help then you will leave. Its really the only option you have. He is going to ruin your daughters life and yours if you don't stand up for the both of you.
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I totally agree with the previous post. I have 6 kids and you NEED a strong partnership based on love, kindness and support of one-another if you are to raise a family. You have a right to be happy, so does your daughter. You also have a right not to live in fear. Just imagine what you would be saying if your best friend came to you with this 'dilemma'. Only you know when enough is enough and even if you live apart, he is still the father of your child and you have to find a way to still communicate without anger and violence anyway. Why don't you see your GP first and get some advice, he clearly needs help and so do you. Good luck,  x
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I also agree with the previous answers. My husband was angry and yelling all the time, punching walls, scaring me etc. I dreaded weekends because it meant two whole days surrounded by anger, negativity and criticism. I insisted he see a psychiatrist and thank God, he did. While he has been on the treatment we have been very happy. He's stopping now and I see the same angry man starting to reappear. I hope he can sort it out and save our marriage.
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hi,

the manipulation and pain reminds me of my mother. always dening their problems and making you feel like youre the one in the wrong.

he obviously needs therapy. and if he doesnt want to get any, i suggest you consider leaving him for the sake of your daughter. consider, and if you dont have the means well you could always plan it for the future.

anger isnt an emotion.

it is an expression of frustration and/or hurt and/or fear.

physical and verbal violence are displayed by is what we call in psychology ''emotionally immature people''.

they are usually raised by people who use physical/verbal violence as well.

and you dont need the manipulation and the pain.

is he going to get emotionally mature naturally? no.

if he wants psychotherapy there's a chance for him.

he would be much happier (higher quality of life) as well. and so would you and your young, precious daughter.

 

regards,

i wish you all good luck and take care.

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Get out NOOOOW! I am married to an angry but other wise good man. He resembles what you described. After 25 years I have had enough. I am very ill from the emotional abuse. My kids are mentally ill too. Get your baby and run. You will find someone else and be happy. Just make sure you get domestic violence counseling. Good luck....



IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER...JUST WORSE AND YOU COULD LOOSE YOUR BABY... HE WILL EVENTUALLY ABUSE THE BABY AS WELL... GOOD LUCK...,
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You just answered it
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I grew up in a home with a father who was violent toward my mother and it was hell. If he doesn't get counseling, leave! You're in a dangerous situation and now your baby and your pets are in the line of fire. It's the kindest thing, to get someone help before a tragedy happens. Don't take no for an answer!!!
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it is the easy way to give the advice to the others... but you have a child and you need to care about it as well. It is not good for kid being exposed for such an anger, he must go for anger management course or you must think about giving him option - either he will have you and kid or you will leave him.
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all the times hess punched a wall or broke something it was because he hasnt gotten used to the idea of slapping you around yet.its not bc he wont do it right now he jsut dont know what you will do-do hes waiting.a few more months of his true colors he will be comfortable enuff to hit you.LEAVE THIS MAN SO HE CAN GET HELP BEFORE YALL REUNITE YALLS FAMILY!if you can take his pets and put them up for adoption bc HE WILL KILL THEM.before my husband started hitting me he screamed,broke things,punched the walls while i looked like he done lost his mind.instead of me leaving i always watched him indisbelief while walking on eggshells until he was better.then he started hitting me-punchign me in my head-and our dogs would try to protect me and hed kick them.NYLA died bc she had unborn pups(we both knew)but he was so mad when he started choking me and she ran up pulling on his pants leg so he kicked her under the bed while i climbed out the window.a few days later i learned she died bc her womb broke from teh kick.THIS MAN IS SO FULL OF ANGER HE IS DANGEROUS TO ALL OF YALL.IMAGINE WHEN HE GETS USED TO YOU ACCEPTING HIS PHYSICAL VIOLENCE....WWYD-what will you do?

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Hello... I am sorry to hear that things are this bad for you. It seems as though you are trying to look after everyone. I don't know whether this will help, but when my daughter was 2 I dreamt of leaving my angry partner, but lacked the courage and self- belief. Also I thought staying would be better for her. Now she is 17 and today I had to endure being yelled at by him and him...threatening me with a cast iron casserole dish! and hear him yell at her. She has had to put up with this all her life. She tries to be tough but I know it really hurts her. If I had been really brave when she was little I think I could have given her such a better life. So follow your instincts. You can have a life of fun with your daughter and show her happiness and courage. Good luck x
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