This is difficult for me to write but I have nobody to tell.
When I was 13 I stayed over at a friends house, got very drunk and ended up kissing an 18/ 19 year old boy I thought I "liked".
I had very low self esteem and just thought it was good that a boy liked me so it went further.
My female friend was having sex with the boy I "liked" friend in the facing bed in her bedroom.
When it became apparent that this boy "couldn't get it up" as the pfrase goes, his friend lept off my friend and said "Let me have ago... swap!!"
Which they then did.
Whilst I lay there very confused, not knowing what to feel, I thought it was fairly normal thing to happen, so felt I should go along with it, until the morning time... when I felt disgusted, dirty and abused but thought I had brought it upon myself and I could do nothing about it.
People at school found out and it was a terribly uncomfortable few remaining years.
This feeling has stayed with me for 8 years.
I have had two "boyfriends" after this event, both of which were mentally abusive which forced to to consume alcohol in order for them to be even remotely intimate with me.
Always leaving me feeling worthless, used, cheap and lower than ever before but still being afraid that nobody nice would want me, I let it continue.
This all happened between the ages of 13 and 18.
At 19 I met my current partner, of two years, of whom I can be completely myself with and can honesly not imagine myself being anymore happy and content than I am now, but these feeling still haunt me and I am constantly beating myself up for letting any of it take place.
Could anybody suggest anything to help me??
Thank you for reading.
When I was 13 I stayed over at a friends house, got very drunk and ended up kissing an 18/ 19 year old boy I thought I "liked".
I had very low self esteem and just thought it was good that a boy liked me so it went further.
My female friend was having sex with the boy I "liked" friend in the facing bed in her bedroom.
When it became apparent that this boy "couldn't get it up" as the pfrase goes, his friend lept off my friend and said "Let me have ago... swap!!"
Which they then did.
Whilst I lay there very confused, not knowing what to feel, I thought it was fairly normal thing to happen, so felt I should go along with it, until the morning time... when I felt disgusted, dirty and abused but thought I had brought it upon myself and I could do nothing about it.
People at school found out and it was a terribly uncomfortable few remaining years.
This feeling has stayed with me for 8 years.
I have had two "boyfriends" after this event, both of which were mentally abusive which forced to to consume alcohol in order for them to be even remotely intimate with me.
Always leaving me feeling worthless, used, cheap and lower than ever before but still being afraid that nobody nice would want me, I let it continue.
This all happened between the ages of 13 and 18.
At 19 I met my current partner, of two years, of whom I can be completely myself with and can honesly not imagine myself being anymore happy and content than I am now, but these feeling still haunt me and I am constantly beating myself up for letting any of it take place.
Could anybody suggest anything to help me??
Thank you for reading.
Wow I'm sorry that you had to go through that. The only thing I can suggest is to try and go to therapy and see a therapist and try to talk to them.