I started smoking weed at 19 when I started college in 2005. I was a high strung, honor student, student council, perfectionist going to community college for pre-law. My first experience with weed was with my friends in the driver seat of my car on a country road. It was an entirely social experience, like when I first started smoking squares and drinking (The same year I might add).
two years go by and in October of 2007 my grandmother died, and I ended up dropping out of school. (Planning on going back). I started thinking about death, and what it would be like to be dead. I was afraid, terrified of these thoughts. Suddenly, when I smoked weed with my friends, I started having these "Attacks". One after the other, after the other. Not only was I experiencing fear of my own death. I was imagining an aneurysm, a heart attack, really off the wall stuff, I was having these extreme fears now that my friends were all against me, or that I was the "retard" of the group and nobody was telling me. I was always quiet and shy, and now I that I was high, these feelings of social anxiety were double, no TRIPLE fold. I wanted to die because I thought I was a social failure, yet I was afraid of death at the same time because of the overwhelming since of doom and the most terrifying "THE END OF ALL ENDS".
My life went from perfection to a maniacal blur within a two month period. suddenly on my 21st birthday I quit smoking altogether. I also quit drinking, but continued to smoke cigarettes.
I blamed the marijuana. I blamed weed, and my lowlife ex-friends for ruining my life, and most of all I blamed myself for letting it happen to me. I stopped smoking, and then something scary started happening. I started having panic attacks when I was sober. In the laundry mat, at home while laying in bed. The same feelings of fear and the feeling of "Being trapped in my body that is doomed to death" crept up on me again.
Then the ER visits started. I was shipped to the emergency room 4 5 6 times a month, my parents thought I was having heart attacks, or maybe I had a stroke and this is why I am feeling this way. I was starting to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was starting to see spots in my vision and my heart was constantly racing. I was fatigued, I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was getting hives all over my body, I seriously thought I had cancer. After a slew of visits to the doctor and going under extensive tests (this whole time not trusting one word the doctors were saying) I found out I was completely fine. It was all mental the entire time. I was prescribed xanax, but the thought of popping pills my entire life made me seem crazy. I wanted my perfect life back. My home life was wrecking in the process. Me and my brother started to get into serious fights. My father is starting to think I'm a failure, and I can't seem to distinguish reality from whats all in my mind.
Then The panic attacks stopped. Like that. . . . With no warning. I have no idea how, but they did. But some lingering depression is still there, I am a recovering social anxiety addict as I like to call it. Marijuana was my best friend, showing me the deep inner turmoil that I was hiding away behind books, school, and partying, and it's my worst enemy because marijuana showed me these things and I was too weak to handle them.
Today I still fear death. I am highly religious now, yet I am starting to become more social, and not blaming my parents or myself in the process, because of my constant fear of "What could have been".
two years go by and in October of 2007 my grandmother died, and I ended up dropping out of school. (Planning on going back). I started thinking about death, and what it would be like to be dead. I was afraid, terrified of these thoughts. Suddenly, when I smoked weed with my friends, I started having these "Attacks". One after the other, after the other. Not only was I experiencing fear of my own death. I was imagining an aneurysm, a heart attack, really off the wall stuff, I was having these extreme fears now that my friends were all against me, or that I was the "retard" of the group and nobody was telling me. I was always quiet and shy, and now I that I was high, these feelings of social anxiety were double, no TRIPLE fold. I wanted to die because I thought I was a social failure, yet I was afraid of death at the same time because of the overwhelming since of doom and the most terrifying "THE END OF ALL ENDS".
My life went from perfection to a maniacal blur within a two month period. suddenly on my 21st birthday I quit smoking altogether. I also quit drinking, but continued to smoke cigarettes.
I blamed the marijuana. I blamed weed, and my lowlife ex-friends for ruining my life, and most of all I blamed myself for letting it happen to me. I stopped smoking, and then something scary started happening. I started having panic attacks when I was sober. In the laundry mat, at home while laying in bed. The same feelings of fear and the feeling of "Being trapped in my body that is doomed to death" crept up on me again.
Then the ER visits started. I was shipped to the emergency room 4 5 6 times a month, my parents thought I was having heart attacks, or maybe I had a stroke and this is why I am feeling this way. I was starting to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was starting to see spots in my vision and my heart was constantly racing. I was fatigued, I had dark circles under my eyes, and I was getting hives all over my body, I seriously thought I had cancer. After a slew of visits to the doctor and going under extensive tests (this whole time not trusting one word the doctors were saying) I found out I was completely fine. It was all mental the entire time. I was prescribed xanax, but the thought of popping pills my entire life made me seem crazy. I wanted my perfect life back. My home life was wrecking in the process. Me and my brother started to get into serious fights. My father is starting to think I'm a failure, and I can't seem to distinguish reality from whats all in my mind.
Then The panic attacks stopped. Like that. . . . With no warning. I have no idea how, but they did. But some lingering depression is still there, I am a recovering social anxiety addict as I like to call it. Marijuana was my best friend, showing me the deep inner turmoil that I was hiding away behind books, school, and partying, and it's my worst enemy because marijuana showed me these things and I was too weak to handle them.
Today I still fear death. I am highly religious now, yet I am starting to become more social, and not blaming my parents or myself in the process, because of my constant fear of "What could have been".
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Death is what is natural to life is, as is birth. The moment you are born, and "brought" into this world, you accept the possibility of experiencing death at any given moment or time. Don't think of it as some sort of sick game or greater punishment for something. We all have our given times to live in this world, and the way we use that time is meant to teach us more about our nature as individuals in the whole creation. So, when we die we've lived life not in fear of death, but instead of acceptance of it, and thus been able to treat ourselves more as gifted(the gift being that of life) children of some seemingly infinite force, rather than burden-laden creatures of an unforgiven entity. Things happen that you may not agree with, and that may make you feel like you've been served with some injustice. But remember, that was then, this is now. What is the future if we don't do anything with the moment at hand? Nothing to difficult. Nothing is... Explore your mind, and notice it controls you more than you wish to be. No one, nothing can make you feel as high or low as can the thoughts that preside in your mind. Learn to control them, and control your life.
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Hey, man, I read your post and decided to send a quick reply. I used to smoke herb for nearly ten years, but while it was great during that time, I realize that I probably could've done a lot more without it. The main benefit that it provided was that I was a really angry person before it, and it helped me to just let go of all the negativity. I'm thankful for that and for the extensive introspection that allowed me to understand myself and the world around me better. Other than that, I tended to just live my life within my head, which isn't so great. Although, it did provide time for me to become spiritually aware and to get over the idiotic atheist phase that I went through as a teen. On that note, if you say that you're highly religious, you shouldn't really fear death as much since it will bring you back to where you belong. I don't know which religion you subscribe to, but most faiths have similar concepts. Personally, I'm still pretty anxious about death also, but I guess it's because I feel that I haven't fulfilled my purpose in life, so I'm not prepared for death. Then again, Christians are supposed to be prepared in their hearts because death can come at any given moment, which is the way that I should be living my life. Much luck to you in life, man.
love/peace
love/peace
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When I was a child I feared death. The end. I would have dreams of waving bye to my family as a UFO took me into space. I had horrifying nightmares of a demon grabbing under my bed while I was pinned up against the wall on his opposite side. Then wake up underneath my bed sweating. I can relate to what you mean by fearing death quite well.
Anxiety is the body's fight or flight response, when it comes to mental process anxiety is incredibly tricky, so I've found. Firstly, there are distinct physical characteristics of anxiety, and there are distinct mental characteristics of anxiety. I will skip all physical symptoms but the main ones are sweaty palms and increased heart rate.
In the mental process there is positive anxiety and negative anxiety. For instance, someone can be thinking of something very rapidly, though not fearful of what they're thinking of, invokes physical anxiety symptoms. This generally happens, as an example, when someone gets anxiety of having a guest over they'll quickly think of all the possible things their guest will say badly of the house and feel relieved after doing so. This is a positive form. Negative anxiety is more complicated and generalizes around "what if" based upon how they feel because of the anxiety symptoms, or internal thinking related phenomena. "what if I'm having a heart attack", "what if the person driving behind me is my dad", "what if aliens exist", "humans are part animal??". etc. The truth is positive anxiety can be just as worse, if not worse than negative because it goes less noticible. You may be more easily pressured in situations, get anxious at the thought of being asked a question, etc. Because unknowingly anxious, as an example, you found many solutions to a question such as "what could she say bad about my house" and failed to realize that knowing the possibilities of what the person would say accomplishes nothing in reality because what's going to happen will happen regardless of what you've thought! If you have anxiety, recognizing you have it is important, but recognizing positive and negative anxiety subforms is equally as important! Now away from my ramble onto touching stories.
I started smoking when I was 19 in college. I was highly depressed because of my lack of grades and knew some people that frequently smoked and asked me to go. I always rejected them in the past, but this time I went. I smoked a couple of times, just felt sensations as if I was moving though sitting still.
I started heavily smoking when I was 20. I didn't particularly enjoy smoking but I did it to "control the high". Soon it became relaxing and enjoyable. I began to suffer an intense, out of the blue anxiety attack after about 3 months of smoking, though I was generally very ignorant of my feelings and at the time didn't know it was anxiety that I was feeling. I ended up going to the hospital, later diagnosed with bipolar disorder (and schizophrenic by another doc?). I blamed the last shipment of weed I got on what happened to me. I continued to suffer anxiety and was put on medication that helped in the beginning, then made it even worse. My troubling thoughts revolved around "the end" but in a passive state. I would be terrified in my room at the fact aliens exist and the uselessness of our lives. I would find facts that nobody on earth could do anything about and stress out about them, anxiously. I missed smoking pot, and how I used to feel before. Eventually it got to a point where I would smoke, get anxiety, and feel as if I'm trapped in my mind. I couldn't focus on anything except whatever my mind was thinking! This is when I stopped. I lost my best friend who I care about more than any person I've ever met because of how confused I was at that time, and the strains I placed on him.
Pot is a nightmare, if you consider yourself an intelligent person or have anxiety, don't smoke because it can do so much damage to your mental state, family and friends around you.
I'm not against pot smokers, never have been. But If you value your mental state avoid/use at caution. It is a hallucinogenic. And of course when it comes to something such as pot everyone will give a good review if they use and do it- so don't rely on what online posts say about the benefits of pot to fuel your fires. Also consider the likely negatives - especially anxiety and psychosis (which can lead to mental disorder).
Weed my best friend: had to grow up really fast to overcome the anxiety and allowed me to reminisce after quitting about the choices I should have made to prevent them in the future.
Weed my worst enemy: developed severe anxiety and "mental illness", lost friends, low self esteem, constantly questioning own sanity.
Logic says if you like blue, someone else likes blue as it's widely known. It also says if it can happen to me, it can happen to someone else, including you. Odds are increased if you do similar actions as I such as smoking pot.
Anxiety is the body's fight or flight response, when it comes to mental process anxiety is incredibly tricky, so I've found. Firstly, there are distinct physical characteristics of anxiety, and there are distinct mental characteristics of anxiety. I will skip all physical symptoms but the main ones are sweaty palms and increased heart rate.
In the mental process there is positive anxiety and negative anxiety. For instance, someone can be thinking of something very rapidly, though not fearful of what they're thinking of, invokes physical anxiety symptoms. This generally happens, as an example, when someone gets anxiety of having a guest over they'll quickly think of all the possible things their guest will say badly of the house and feel relieved after doing so. This is a positive form. Negative anxiety is more complicated and generalizes around "what if" based upon how they feel because of the anxiety symptoms, or internal thinking related phenomena. "what if I'm having a heart attack", "what if the person driving behind me is my dad", "what if aliens exist", "humans are part animal??". etc. The truth is positive anxiety can be just as worse, if not worse than negative because it goes less noticible. You may be more easily pressured in situations, get anxious at the thought of being asked a question, etc. Because unknowingly anxious, as an example, you found many solutions to a question such as "what could she say bad about my house" and failed to realize that knowing the possibilities of what the person would say accomplishes nothing in reality because what's going to happen will happen regardless of what you've thought! If you have anxiety, recognizing you have it is important, but recognizing positive and negative anxiety subforms is equally as important! Now away from my ramble onto touching stories.
I started smoking when I was 19 in college. I was highly depressed because of my lack of grades and knew some people that frequently smoked and asked me to go. I always rejected them in the past, but this time I went. I smoked a couple of times, just felt sensations as if I was moving though sitting still.
I started heavily smoking when I was 20. I didn't particularly enjoy smoking but I did it to "control the high". Soon it became relaxing and enjoyable. I began to suffer an intense, out of the blue anxiety attack after about 3 months of smoking, though I was generally very ignorant of my feelings and at the time didn't know it was anxiety that I was feeling. I ended up going to the hospital, later diagnosed with bipolar disorder (and schizophrenic by another doc?). I blamed the last shipment of weed I got on what happened to me. I continued to suffer anxiety and was put on medication that helped in the beginning, then made it even worse. My troubling thoughts revolved around "the end" but in a passive state. I would be terrified in my room at the fact aliens exist and the uselessness of our lives. I would find facts that nobody on earth could do anything about and stress out about them, anxiously. I missed smoking pot, and how I used to feel before. Eventually it got to a point where I would smoke, get anxiety, and feel as if I'm trapped in my mind. I couldn't focus on anything except whatever my mind was thinking! This is when I stopped. I lost my best friend who I care about more than any person I've ever met because of how confused I was at that time, and the strains I placed on him.
Pot is a nightmare, if you consider yourself an intelligent person or have anxiety, don't smoke because it can do so much damage to your mental state, family and friends around you.
I'm not against pot smokers, never have been. But If you value your mental state avoid/use at caution. It is a hallucinogenic. And of course when it comes to something such as pot everyone will give a good review if they use and do it- so don't rely on what online posts say about the benefits of pot to fuel your fires. Also consider the likely negatives - especially anxiety and psychosis (which can lead to mental disorder).
Weed my best friend: had to grow up really fast to overcome the anxiety and allowed me to reminisce after quitting about the choices I should have made to prevent them in the future.
Weed my worst enemy: developed severe anxiety and "mental illness", lost friends, low self esteem, constantly questioning own sanity.
Logic says if you like blue, someone else likes blue as it's widely known. It also says if it can happen to me, it can happen to someone else, including you. Odds are increased if you do similar actions as I such as smoking pot.
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You wrote 'Showing me the deep inner turmoil that I was hiding away behind books school and partying...hey that remind me of a time when I didn't have any drugs. I would have liked that in those hard years.
MJ is a good friend. Balance is the key to learning to handle responsibilities esp in college with so much going on. It is a high pressure situation so it isn't unusual to feel as you did.
I had the anxieties, I was a loner(didn't like to be influenced), too I can relate to the family expecting success and all that stuff and the death in the family. I learnt that fear is ok...if you run from fear it will follow you so just stay and interact with it. : ) Life is a chaotic mess even older people haven't figured it out and picture perfect doesn't mean happy.
MJ has prevented me from becoming a serial killer lol.
I told my parents to p*ss off and now I am pursuing what I've always wanted to do.
Whenever I drink a Tequilla sunrise and have a few bowls the truth of what is in my heart and mind become revealed. Before those substances they were a mystery to me. So I think MJ, alcohol etc they have potential in helping figure things out. Maybe when you intoxicated and are free from all the pressures and expectations of others can you find out what you really love and who you really are!! : ) Thank you Dionysius!!
MJ is a good friend. Balance is the key to learning to handle responsibilities esp in college with so much going on. It is a high pressure situation so it isn't unusual to feel as you did.
I had the anxieties, I was a loner(didn't like to be influenced), too I can relate to the family expecting success and all that stuff and the death in the family. I learnt that fear is ok...if you run from fear it will follow you so just stay and interact with it. : ) Life is a chaotic mess even older people haven't figured it out and picture perfect doesn't mean happy.
MJ has prevented me from becoming a serial killer lol.
I told my parents to p*ss off and now I am pursuing what I've always wanted to do.
Whenever I drink a Tequilla sunrise and have a few bowls the truth of what is in my heart and mind become revealed. Before those substances they were a mystery to me. So I think MJ, alcohol etc they have potential in helping figure things out. Maybe when you intoxicated and are free from all the pressures and expectations of others can you find out what you really love and who you really are!! : ) Thank you Dionysius!!
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But when you were smoking weed didn't you get creative didn't ideas just pour forth? I always grab a pen and paper coz I know I'm going to have the coolest idea that I've never heard of.
My writing came to life it was like I was living my own mythology, my poetry took off after having writer's block for a while. I also used it for mystical reasons for meditation, immersing myself in different experiences, experiments for lucid dreaming and enhanced right brain activity. My life is that of the polymath dedicated to knowledge I researched so many vast subjects I lived in history archaeology and went on explorations as I was learning I was seeing the pictures in my mind. I did logic puzzles things came into my awareness that didn't quite in my sober state. In fact I attribute to weed my career change and journey into the imagination and now status as CREATOR. Creating something directly from the subconscious. An artist an original...much like God. Maybe that's how God created Nature ; )
My writing came to life it was like I was living my own mythology, my poetry took off after having writer's block for a while. I also used it for mystical reasons for meditation, immersing myself in different experiences, experiments for lucid dreaming and enhanced right brain activity. My life is that of the polymath dedicated to knowledge I researched so many vast subjects I lived in history archaeology and went on explorations as I was learning I was seeing the pictures in my mind. I did logic puzzles things came into my awareness that didn't quite in my sober state. In fact I attribute to weed my career change and journey into the imagination and now status as CREATOR. Creating something directly from the subconscious. An artist an original...much like God. Maybe that's how God created Nature ; )
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I had an adrenaline/pannic attack after smoking weed. It was like this fear was everywhere and a sense of doom like you said. I got this cut off feeling from my friends, and I myself am shy too. The whole week after I'd get the same thing you were saying. But as I let myself forget about it, it went away.
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Hey I smoked weed upto 5 or 6 times. The first three times , I felt my friends conspired against me. I was fed wrong information and was scared as hell during the the trip. And as You said, I was being paranoid about the fact that my best friends were actually plotting against me and that all they wanted was to get me high and then do something really bad. Even two
friends of mine who were complete strangers to each other seemed too friendly to each other; as if they planned everything before hand to get me into getting high. Somehow now, I am more than scared to smoke weed and most of all, I feel that with each trip, I lose the trust on the set of friends I smoke with.
Is this normal? Is this due to weed or it is just my own mental problem. Kindly help.
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This is not normal coz every who smoke dont get the same fear, it depend from person to person. im smoking for 4 years but in last one year im getting the same fear as u, like when u are high so u can not trust any one, even u closefriend and family. it doesnt mean any mental problem but side effect and will take long time for recovering, my sugestion for is, to stop for ever or a long period. otherwise u will get to a point where it will be almost impossible to recover uself. i have stoped so im getting batter, if u continue so u will get in deep depration which will lead to commiting sucide or more. it almost has destroyed my social life.
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