my thoughts are these feeling wrong

Never know exaxtly what i feel, that why i cant talk to you on how and what i feel, the more i try to stop all the negitive feelings the more intense they get for me,panic, everything is either black or white never grey. I may call you a lot just to make sure you're still here or to make sure that you still like me if we dont talk i fear that you are mad at me it feels like seperation anxiety always looking for the slightest sign that you will abandon me i know that you love me but i dont FEEL it  i do whatever i can to feel your love when your not here with me i read old messages look through old cards and teddy bears look at your pictures and flash back to memmories. i cant seem to keep friends. i love you one minute and hate you the next and most of the time it over something really pathetic. ALONE, EMPTY, im tired of the roalercoaster of emotions. sometimes im broken and dont know why. and sometimes i snap at you for no reason. Sometimes i am so angry at you and i dont even know the real reason why, i say things i dont mean and i do thing that i shouldn't, i say that i am sorry,,,,A LOT, suspicious, needy, misunderstood. shame and lonelyone momment i can feel completly happy inspirational and creative...beauty in everything, that the world is beautiful want to party. that nothing can ever go wrong again, but than i feel it coming it overweals me to my breaking point. you say snap out of it, be strong. but for me it hard you dont understand. i feel like a complete failure. feelings. racing thoughts spirling out of controle so much that i self injure to feel something or to feel nothing at all dying is always in the back of my mind. one minute i can be happy the next for no reason at all or something fairly small i am suicidal. i spend way to much time over analyzing everything...what you said and how you said it what if what if not why and when. what are you doing why are you doing this is it a good thing what its impact what next...trust me when i say i am doing my best. It hurts when anyone raise there voice to me or around me, it scares me and it is painful. it hurts like my heart breaks slowly it makes me want to run and hide. im scared to fight it hurts when i say something wrong or speak my mind i feel guilty, if you dont do or say something or right back when you say you will i would count the hours and if you dont respind or do something or acted a way i dont like my first thoughs would be..you dont love me, why dont you love me, what did i do, someone else is more importent to you than me, very low self esteem, it either happy or sad no middle, to be honest what does the middle feel like? Anxiety is allways there, paranoria is sometimes there, that why i hate being alone sometimes and lose tough of reality  panick attacks. phobias. hopeless, Fear of abandonment. When you ask me what wrong the truth is i dont know i dont have a definite answer most of the time i can only make one up to satisfy your question. i feel alone empty in pain and emotional all at the same time i dont even understand myself or why i feel like that, that why i dont know how to express my feelings or explain. if you could see inside me you would know i feel like im dying i keep it all inside and it only comes out when im alone. When i was younger i couldnt controle my anger sometimes, i would bang my head on the floor, i would run away only for a few hours. i didnt want to speak to people the only person i would speak to was steven and he would tell whoever was talking to me what i said. i kept my head low with unspoken words i fiqure if i spoke i would drawl attition my way, i hated to me spoken to, the center of attition i would avoid people. try to stay out of the teacher target when she called on people. if i was spoken to without steven, or asked a question in class i would feel my heart beat racing thoughts panic attatcs and get sick even know i cant write upfront of people i dont like reading infront of people or solving math questions one on one in fact anything around someone even cooking or working around people times i feel like i can do it but when it comes down to it i cant. feel washed,judged, in the spot light even though i know im not. even when i walk i feel like im walking weird. or how i look or how i talk . waiting in the lunch like or being in groups for a project is really hard on me. or even asking a question. it really hard to keep eye contact. i panic when i have to play games with someone or do anything with anyone even with you it hard to do surtain things when your around. There is always a war inside my head a war of confusion sadness anger black and white love hate yes no i never really know i wear this mask to hide from what inside, there is no way i can be strong, sometimes i am weak tired of the fight. i've promised myself all my life to never lie yet there i stand i look at you and feel that mask build strong in front of me im okay yes im fine, every single even of the day touches me i feel like the world against me im always aware yet i never know what will be next i worry all of the time what's around the corner what could break my minutes of happiness that could banish into darkness, Never leave me dont let me be alone. i panic i worry you'll never be back for me all of this i scream inside of me, i love you i hate you but no matter what i need you. give me a reason for all of these feelings i've never been able to find one. my memories are mainly a blur so many regrets i've lost so many thing, i dont know how much more pain i can take. i wonder every day how im still here fighting a battle i know i'll never win sometimes i cant ever get to sleep. i always need your grip of your hand that sound of your voice to know i am not alone and abandoned, i know you will never leave me but i fear  to be alone. when i say i need you i mean it. because without you i would be alone. again i have moments or day with happiness but one little thing can change that. I tend to overreact on things and get upset or angry but note i cant controle it. i dont exspect you to understand what im saying. because i dont understan myself i dont know who i am or what i want from life, you say i change when other people are around and that is true i change to match others around me just to fit in and be accepted, i always did that sense i was younger but than i sat and stayed quite and evaluation. i feel like everyone around me is perfect but it just me that not.inside im screaming inside the tears only i know need to fall i want you to know how there's hhell and vicious circles inside of me. from happy to sad angry to irratated.