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Hi,

I read an article on your site about the simptoms of someone who is obsessively jelous. I have found loads of reading material on the subject accept for how the other person is to deal with an obsessively jelous person.

My husband checks on me every 10 minutes. I am not allowed to do one thing that is different from what i did yesterday. He checks my cell every night. He checks my emails and laptop at home and im sure if he could check my work pc he would have done that by now. He arrives at work unexpectedly to make sure i am not on lunch with someone and didn't tell him

I had to cut all ties with previous friends and am not allowed to have any kind of contact with men. If i do im not allowed to be friendly because then i flirt.

I really need help. He will NOT admit that he is obsessively jelous and in some instances he can be very unreasonable.

And it is always...ALWAYS my fault. I know that it stems from his insecurities about his x wife and the fact that she cheated on him and finally divorced him and that he is scared that i am going to do the same. I love my husband dearly and really need help in how to give him what he needs so there is not this constant fighting.

He refuses point blank to go see someone about this as he believes that there is nothing wrong with him and that i have something to hide or im looking for an excuse to leave him.

Any kind of help will be much appreciated.

Regards

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Actually honey, my oldes and dearest friend went through the EXACT same thing with her husband! It drove me INSANE he would phone when she was allowed to go out, and he would even come outside to listen on our conversations! I actually told him to you know what once! This isn't YOUR problem it is his, BUT his problem is affecting you! so how to sort this out!

Due to the fact that he refuses to get help, it will be upto you to get that help! With jealousy there is an emotional hold over the other person! He is in charge and it is also ALL consuming for him! He can't rest until he has ALL control! What do you TRULY think would happen if you just said "suck it up I'm going out with my friends" Do you fear for your safety? IF so this will continue I promise you that! Because he is not only emotionally and mentally controlling you he has the spectre of physical control too!

My girlfriend told him that it is HIS problem not hers, and she WILL walk away if he continues! I will state this too, for ANYONE they can always appear like the victim - as in your husband stating "SHE cheated on me and I was completely innocent etc etc etc" So this gives him the excuse to treat you like s**t! It is HIS controlling of you, that gives him this power and I GUARANTEE you, he wasn't a saint to live with before! He probably started this suffocation long ago and his ex got sick of it and cheated as a way out! I can guarantee you that such negative behaviour is a learned behaviour and he wouldn't go from 0 - 60 just with you! He has been going like that for YEARS!

He is addicted to control and any addict NEVER takes possession of their problem, it is ALWAYS someone elses problem - as in "my exwife cheated on me and thats why I do this ....." As long as you take it he will give it! NOW it's up to you to STOP taking this! Or I promise you it WILL escalate!

So do NOT do anything that you feel would endanger you, BUT start standing up - how HE reacts will tell you what you are to expect for the rest of your life! - You have given up on your old friendships to placate his insecurities, you will NEVER be able to give him what he needs honey! He needs the ultimate control of you! Are you ready to give up your whole life for him - as in never seeing your friends again, your family, go out without him etc.? He is bascially saying to you "I think you will cheat on me and I don't trust you as far as I can throw you, and I will make you PAY for what has happened!" Is that a loving relationship?!!! He is only happy if you are submissive and give him everything he wants! Are you a woman or a slave? Do you know that some partners actually have put tapes in their partners cars, or detection devices so they can see where they are - such as showing where there partner is at all times! He isn't even concentrating on his own life - work, down time etc - ALL he can think about is that "Where is she, who is she talking to you, I better go check on her" This is going to ruin you both!

Are you afraid of him and what he will do? Sometimes we replace that fear of what will happen with "I'm just trying to reassure him, I want him to understand etc etc" So if you think of it another way you are saying "I will be in the house and under surveillance for 24 hours a day! I will no longer see anyone or talk to anyone! It will be just me and him for ever and NO one else!" Because I love my husband dearly!?

I study people and all I can say is honey is this! You do NOT love your husband dearly! Because there is ZERO trust from him towards you! He IS abusing you - or the beggings of it - ALL abusers HAVE to have control over the other first and foremost! He doesn't want you hnging around your old friends so you don't let out his secret! And also you wont have anyone to go to to escape the scrutiny!

Take stock if you are really afraid of him if you push the envelope - if you are do NOT do this! I want you to tell him you are going out with so and so and will be reconnecting with your old friends and he will have to trust you! Don't engage in a fight just tell him that this is HIS problem and HE has to get over it! See wht happens! This will show you what you are up against, and I would suspect that you might have to leave for awhile or get some counselling in the least! This can be VERY dangerous honey so be careful OK?

He has changed you to becoming a lesser of an individual! So NOW it;s time to fight back - safely! and get back what you were! People loose respect for the people that take their c**p! And he has ZERO respect for you honey ZERO! He doesn't respect nor trust you! Hardly a basis for a productive relationship! You can get help by yourself! And IF you feel like you are in danger - get the police - you might think I'm over reacting BUT I promise you EVERY violent relationship starts out with overbearing control! Good luck and big hugs!
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