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Dear Hardlife, First of all, please let me congratulate you for what you are going thru my friend, as I know that it is a hard and exhaustive journey. I understand completly. My 3rd child, a daughter, began her decent into hell 8 years ago. What used to be a beautiful and vivacious young lady, turned into a skinny, frail, sickly, drug ridden shell of a person. She to enjoyed abusing herself with opiates, then went to the mother of them all, banging heroin. She lost everything, and i mean everything, including her precious little boy. She had no place to live and did what ever it took to get her stuff off the street. She was in constant danger and each time my phone rang, i thought it could be the coroner. She was in and out of rehab, always promising to do good, but never did. I drove her all the way to Albany in a blizzard (8 hours from me) just to get her into a very prestigious facility, only to get a phone call from the counselor telling me that someone picked her up, not 2 days after i got her there. I was disgusted and hurt and petrified.
She had been in and out of jail as well, boosting for big ticket item's that would afford her drugs. She has been chased on foot, by police and actually wrestled to the groung, hog tied and thrown face down into the back of a police car. OMG, a mother's anguish, you will never know, or maybe you do know. She would get out of jail and go right back at it...again. Finally, there was a bench warrent out on her, which she obviously ignored, but i didn't. I had her arrested myself. The judge posted no bail and my child sat in county lockup for 13 weeks, then mandated to an in patient rehab facility for 8 weeks, then mandated again to a half way house for another 12 weeks. That was 3 years ago. Today she is bright and well educated. She is now going for her BA and gives lectures at colleges and half way houses as well. She holds down a job, has gotten her son back and her drivers license.
She did not feel well for a long time, but she pushed herself thru it all. It took 33 weeks which is almost 9 months for her her to feel better. Now she is exhausted but it is because she is pushing herself so hard to get her life back on track. If this makes you feel better, i can ask her some stuff for you. I can see how long it takes for someone to really start to feel human again. Let me know. But in the meantime, keep going and never look back.
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Dear Hardlife,
Family does mean well, i know, but there are time's when they need to keep their mouth's shut. Everytime my daughter would come over, i would do a visual scan of her, i would notice anything that wasn't right. If i had a concern, i would alway's take her to the side to talk to her, never within ear shot of anyone else. One Christmas she came over and i went into the bathroom right after she did, not checking, but i really had to pee! There was tiny droplet's of blood on the back of the toilet seat and a few on the floor, i was so upset....again. I called her out on it right away and she thought i would believe her when she told me that she had started her period, which she never got bc she was so frail. It was blood from hitting a vein while she was shooting up, in MY bathroom. I didn't throw her out, but i reminded her that there were a lot of little kid's in the house, including her son, and what would happen if she left the syringe behind and one of the little one's got hold of it?
Listen, as long as you know that you are not doing anything wrong, let them wonder all they want. I am not sticking up for them but they are genuinley concerned and they really do love you. They just have to know when to talk and when not to. Tell them that if they have a concern to bring it to and not all get together and have a dissing contest. Throw a drug test at them once in a while. You may have to proove yourself, tho i hate to say that. But you have hurt them for a long time and they need positive reinforcement. I did. My daughter would tell me that was as clean as a whistle, of course i had my doubt's, and if i had to eat crow, i did, tho i didn't like the taste. Eventually they will trust you and beleive in you, but you do have to show them.
You sound like you have your stuff together, and i am proud of you, tho i don't know you. We all screw up, somehow in someway we do. Each and every one of us has a our little cross to bare, but i promise you that you will get thru this and be so much stronger when you come out. By all means, look for another job. Keep yourself BUSY, that is so important. Whatever you make now, put it away and save it for a down payment on an apartment, work a part time job at nite if you have to. Stay away from negative people and make a whole new set of friend's. Stay far away from the "old crowd" if there was one, as they can be your worst enemie's. Set your parent's down and have a "heart to heart" with them, ask them to help you be strong, ask them not to talk about you as it bring's you down. You are still in a vulnerable state, you DO NOT need to relapse, promise me you won't? Do something positive, volunteer in a soup kitchen on Saturday's, visit the elderly in a Nursing home and buy a 5.00 bunch of flower's for one of the patient's, visit your animal shelter and volunteer to clean up dog poop, or start a drive to get old blanket's and stuff for sheltered animal's. She did all that stuff and it made her stronger and tougher. She had no time to listen to negative c**p from anyone, including me. Take an on line course pertaining to something that you dreamed of doing or take an EMT course at nite, set your site's on becoming a paramedic. To make some extra money, deliver pizza or flower's on your time off, you can deliver pizza at nite for 4 or 5 hours, you will get good tips! KEEP YOURSELF MOVING all the time.
Don't exclude your family, they do love you, really. Just tell them what's up and remind them that their constant negativity is bringing you down. Ask them to work with you, not against you. Remind them that you want them to be proud of you, but you need their help. They don't know how hard this is for you, and they don't really understand what is behind an addict or what they go thru. Teach them and help them to understand. But remember, i am here for you too my friend. Stand tall and proud and push forward, i have faith in you.
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