It's been a long hard road. Over the past few years I've quit a thousand times. If the physical withdrawal symptoms aren't enough the mental aspect is overwhelming. It's day 2, again. I'm determined as ever. Going cold turkey and I can feel it. Upset stomach, irritable, restless but tired, depressed and nervous. Such a hard thing to do. I hate these drugs and I hate what they do to good people. I try to find clever little ways to ignore the urges to use. But often I drift away and start plotting before I catch myself. An hour feels like a day and a day feels like a year. I would kill for good sleep. Can't eat either. Any advice that anyone can offer that's been here before? I truly want this to be it. I want to be done with these nasty little pills. SOS
Keep on trucking! Pretty soon, your brain will be rewired and you will feel just as you did when you were a child. When the wind blows on your skin, you will be able to actually FEEL it. "And this too shall pass..."
What exactly were you on?
I am 16 days out of giving up Suboxone (which I was on for 6-7 months; 8 mg at least per day). I know the pain, I still feel it. I decided to up and go cold turkey instead of weaning down. The mental anguish, depression, lack of motivation, hopelessness, restlessness (and those are just the mental effects) was unbearable at times. I did not manage to miss one single day of work (as I work over 60 hours per week in sales).
DO NOT LOOK AT THE CLOCK. I AM ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED THAT IT F***ES WITH YOU! When withdrawals are in full swing, find something to do! Me, I pulled the Nintendo 64 out of the attic and beat Super Mario/ Pilot Wings/ and Goldeneye. DO THINGS THAT YOU WILL NOT ASSOCIATE YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE WITH!!!! Listen to music that reminds you of being a child. Start jogging/lifting weights/walking/repeat. DO NOT OVERDO IT, but don't go easy on yourself either. Physical activity will help your body naturally eject all of the toxins and promote healing. Exactly what you want.
If things get TOO bad, scoop up a bottle of generic Lopermide. Depending on YOUR tolerance; I took 20 2mg pills at a time (40mg). It will help with the runs and regardless of what anybody else says, some of the drug does pass your BBB. It is TOTALLY possible to find solace here. But remember, nothing will completely heal you except TIME!
Just remember that things could ALWAYS be worse... And what you are actually doing is GOOD! You are ridding your body of the poison that it depended on; the poison that turns you into a mindless zombie. You are 1 day closer to reaching the happiest point of your life... And when you get there, you will look at each day as if it was the first day for the rest of your life... INSTEAD of, "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET MY FIX TODAY!"
Good luck to you! If you are opened to it, pick up the bible and start reading. Nobody has ever gotten bad advice from The Holy Bible. Pray... Pray... Pray. Ask your higher power for the opportunity to be strong. Ask your higher power for the opportunity to be righteous. There is no shame in asking for help. Life is hard, it's a foolish thing to waste and squander our ability to communicate with each other. Find your chi... If you are not religious, meditate.
Cleaning up is the most daunting and demanding endeavor that I have ever been a part of. Doing it alone is next to impossible. Centre yourself and you will make it through. It's 7:05pm, another day has passed; you are 1 day closer to freedom!
Good luck!
Thank you SoundAdvice. It so happens I am a cHristian and believe into Christ. This does help. It's day three now and I'm still trucking. The clock is a recovering addicts enemy for sure. I will get through it this time. My family is counting on me to provide a good life for them. The Lord hasn't called me to this earth to be an addict. Most of all, I'm tired of beating myself down for all the horrible things I've done. I was once strong and confident, but that has slipped away over the years and left me weak and fragile. I still feel the toxins working themselves out. It's terrible but like you said, it gets better and everyday without drugs is a day closer to where I want/need to be. I think recovered addicts can be some of the kindest most compassionate people in the world. Mostly because they know this lifestyle and what it does to people. This is a scary process but must be faced willfully. It was once said that the future belongs to the BOLD. I'm daring to be bold and take my future back. I can't change yesterday but today and tomorrow are in my grasp. I've made it another day and can't thank you enough for you words. Interestingly enough, I too, am in sales. My mind is still foggy and working is hard. I just can't find motivation or drive. With some grace I'll get to where you are.
Also, in case you were wondering what my road was like...
Compared to most people I've read about on this forum, I have not been on opiates as long as them. I messed around with them in college and had control then. But after I graduated and had to move in with mom and dad again, I lost that will power that I had to achieve self control; also, the fact that I was in a horrible car accident did not help either.
But I became dependent on opiates about a year and a half ago. I got scripts from the doctor at first, but then I took to the streets in order to maintain my need for relief.
November 2011, I decided enough was enough. I started buying Suboxone. At first, I thought it was too good to be true! I was 2 days out from my last "blue" and I had energy, motivation, and power! I was warned to go easy on the stuff because the withdrawals last double the length of roxy's.
I tried to get off Suboxone 3 weeks later. I went through the withdrawals and it took about 6 days for me to be satisfied with my life again. But I was effin' stupid. I was not on the sub long enough to break the, "I need this to feel normal," habit. I got back on Subs again... This time for 6 - 7 months.
I would take 4mg in the morning and 4mg when I got home from work (usually around 6:00 pm). I would get extremely nervous and anxious when I knew that I was getting low on Suboxone. I did not trust the guy I was getting them from; in fact I'm sure that he's stolen probably about 2 thousand dollars from me total. I would go and see him armed with a combat blade just in case he tried to do something funny... You could look into his eyes and see that he had NO soul. A few weeks ago, I realized that I did not want to be that... So I just quit. At 8mg a day, I abruptly stopped and boy did I feel it the next day...
I thought I had a pretty good idea about what I had in store for me, but I was on it SO much longer this time. I had it in my brain and body for 6-7 months! Your body becomes dependent on it after a few days!
I will try and reconstruct for you exactly how my timeline was (God knows, when I was sick as all hell, reading these timelines gave me strength and resolve!):
Day 1-Tuesday 3 July, 2012: Got up for work at 6:45 am, took half the dose that I usually take (2mg). Did not feel a boost like I usually do on my way to work. By lunch time, I started to feel, "blah." I could only manage to eat half of my sandwich. It was a slow day at work too; seemed like everyone got a head start on their 4th of July mini-vacation. The moment the clock struck 5:00 pm, I vanished from my place of employment like a fart in the wind. I got home and took a 2 hour nap. The worst thoughts ever started creeping into my head about the path laid out before me. I took a clonazapam that I had left over from eye surgery... Can't really remember what happened later that night.
Day 2 - Wednesday 4 July, 2012: Woke up at 12:36 pm. My whole entire family went on the boat to celebrate the 4th. I started first feeling hopeless maybe an hour after I woke up. I started thinking, "that should be me outside! Why did I fu*k this all up? I don't deserve this life that I have." Still, having experience with w/d's, I knew that I needed to keep my mind occupied. I went out for a late afternoon drive to try and warm up (I was starting to notice that I was cold all the time). I came back home around dinner time and needed reassurance. I called my old college roommate (who I used to do pills with), I told him about what was going to happen to me and he told me what I needed to hear. The night ended with me telling my family that I was coming down with something and I would be missing the fireworks this year. Went to bed at 11:00 pm.
Day's 3-4 - Thursday 5 July, 2012 and Friday 6 July, 2012: I had these two days requested off for a long time. I had hoped that by the time the weekend was done, I would be smooth sailing! I had no problem sleeping these days. Really, it wasn't until day 5 that I had trouble getting rest and being comfortable. Nonetheless, I laid under a blanket all day long and watched reruns of, "The Matrix." Also, I sat outside and played the guitar in the heat... Literally the hotter that I got, the better I felt. I did notice that the withdrawals were beginning to get significantly worse. Mentally more than anything... The anguish, depression, hopelessness, the lethargy, and knowing the length that I would feel this pain compounded it.
Day 5 - Saturday 7 July, 2012: Yup, today was HORRIBLE! Did NOT sleep good at all. Could not eat anything at all. Yet I forced myself to go get a chicken philly sandwich from my favorite diner. On the way home, I witnessed a young lady who was driving WAY too fast heading towards me around a curve. She hit the curve too quick and over-corrected twice. She went off the road (her car disappeared... Turned into a big ball of dirt and dust), hit a tree, then slammed into a ditch that was probably about 10 feet down. I immediately pulled over (now take a second to picture me here: I am in BAD shape now. I am completely drenched in sweat, I have no color to my skin. You would think that I was the one who needed help), got out of my truck and ran to help her. As it turns out she was texting and was okay. She insisted that I left, so I obliged.
I maybe ate a quarter of my sandwich. Had no desire to do anything. I tried to smoke a blunt, but it made me even MORE anxious. I was at my lowest this day; had no idea it could get worse, and it did. Freezing cold, lacking ALL motivation, feeling pathetic and exposed. I didn't even want to get off the couch and listen to music or do anything else.
Day 6 - Sunday 8 July, 2012: Today I took all of my trophies off the shelf above my closet and dusted it completely. I cleaned my entire room up (by the grace of God really...) I knew it was either sit around and be miserable on the couch, or keep busy. Still had no appetite and energy. Also this was the first day I noticed a tremendous pain in my lower/middle back. I could not get comfortable whatsoever. When bedtime would roll around, I could not lay in a specific position for more than 10 seconds before the back started to throb. On this night, I knew the week ahead was going to be a living hell; that I needed help to get through this. I took a hot shower before I went to bed and broke down in tears. I realized that I had not once asked God for help. I was an altar boy for years, did soup kitchen, went to confession and mass each and every week; yet I did not ask God for anything all this time. This was extremely sobering and painful. I am not one to cry either... I think before this day, I had not cried since my grandfather passed away unexpectedly. All in all, I think on this day, the symptoms reached a plateau. Up until day 6, the symptoms got progressively worse.
Day 7 - 8 Monday 9 July, 2012 and Tuesday 10 July, 2012: Well, this sucks! Sunday night, it took me 2 hours to fall asleep and Monday morning I woke up 2 hours before I needed to be at work. I DID wake up EXTREMELY hungry. Took advantage of this, went to McDonalds and got like 3 McGriddles and hashbrowns. Went into work a little bit early and was flat out miserable. I WAS SOOOOOOOOO COLD ALL DAY LONG. My back hurt, I was sweating, and felt wound up. As soon as 5:00 pm rolled around, I got in my truck and went straight to the gym. I unfroze my account (which I have not used in over 8 months), and did a light workout. I promise you, this was the best that I felt in almost a week. *****Then, I had a stroke of brilliance***** I went over to the sauna, turned that sucker up to 350 degrees, and sat in there for about 20 minutes. The idea was that I wanted to sweat all of the toxins out of my body. I finally warmed up (first satisfaction I had in that department since the fiasco started). But 15 minutes later, I was flushed again. Also, I noticed that I was getting the "chills" more frequently. Goosebumps, a wave that runs down the back of your neck to your heels. Maybe every 2 minutes this would occur.
Tuesday was better than monday, but not by much. I was uncomfortable at work just as I was the day before. I could not sit still, but I had little to no energy to get up. Lunch time, I got into my truck and drove around in the midsummer heat. 2-5 pm, I just stared at the clock on my computer. THE WORST FEELING EVER! "Are you kidding me? It's only been 2 minutes?" As soon as happy hour arrived, I went straight to the sauna at my gym. I also had to be home at a certain time to go to an event at the church for my dad. He became chancellor for the Knights of Columbus. So I took a shower and went straight there. What was funny was how my mom said I looked like "Bobby" from Horrible Bosses (Colin .). I was all sweaty (despite just taking a shower) and completely wound up. I noticed endorphins at the dinner table this night. I wanted to talk, talk, talk. Still felt pretty uncomfortable, but I knew it would be better soon. I kept looking up to God for help and he answered my prayers.
Day 9 - 10 Wednesday 11 July, 2012 and Thursday 12 July, 2012: Work got a little bit easier, but not by much. Up until this point, the progress I was making happened to be very, very, very slow. I did notice it and I did exploit it! Work was long and drawn out... And I eaked on by (I did not have very good numbers this week, but not bad enough to get me in trouble). I went to the gym and FORCED myself to run a mile. Then I sat in my sauna! The sauna was so hot, my water bottle was melting; if I breathed through my nose, I could feel the tip of my nose combusting. It was this night that I busted out the Nintendo 64. I beat up on some pilot wings until midnight... Then I took some Tylenol PM's and went to bed.
I woke up on Thursday with 7 hours of sleep. I felt FANTASTIC compared and considering. I navigated through the day still with little motivation or energy. My back was still bothering me, but it was not as bad as Monday (don't get me wrong, I felt better, but I knew that I was at about 50% still). My appetite was really what stumped me; some days I was SO hungry, others I could not manage to eat anything during this week. Still, I kept going... Noticing that I was over a week through this and the worst was over. But still, it was hard... Not going to lie.
I will continue this timeline later. I have to take my 12 year old brother to see the Dark Knight Rises. Pray we don't get shot... It would be a shame if I made it through this only to get gunned down at the Movieplex! Remember, YOU ARE ANOTHER DAY CLOSER TO ACHIEVING PEACE!