Second abortion, Twins.

Ill just cut right down to it. 2 years ago when I got with my bf, 3 months into it I was pregnant. My older sister had a abortion once before so I felt like it was okay, not a big deal. I was jobless living in a one bedroom tailer trying to get my life back together. So I went through with it and did a very good job just forgetting about it. I felt bad the day of but soon got over it. fast foreward to december 30th. I take a pregnancy test and find out I am indeed withchild. I immediatly did finances and came up with the $500 that thursday and make a appointment for that monday. I found a very nice friend who knew about the first time, and explained my situation and how I just had my nephew for 2 weeks and don't feel like I could take care of a child. I went in for the appointment with her, she kept my humor up. There I sat in the same cold room. Watching girls just like last time filling out the same paperwork, forgetting what day of the week it was. Guilt and saddness flooded me then. I felt like maybe I was making a huge mistake this time. Like I shouldn't be doing it. but my friend said she supports me and its for the better. This time the whole thing was rushed, the nurses didn't listen when I said I didn't want the pill even though I could've had it. and worse, my job needs me to have them fill out a packet stating what procedure was being done and why. Asking the nurses if they HAVE to put abortion down and having them just look at me like I was a jerk.

now into the waiting room, rushed to change, given less then a minute to take my pants off and get on this, bed. then came the worst part that changed my life, the ultrasound, His face went into shock and without even looking at me, asked me if I knew it was twins if it would change my mind. I said no, shocked i was given a mask told to hold onto it and breathe. then came the dilation, the shots, the pinching, the breathing, then the pain, then being lightheaded, then guilt, regret, nasuea, blood, vomiting. being put into a room with hearts all over it saying how god loves you and where girls wrote how god heals and blah blah blah. I went into the car where my friend was waiting on me, and just started crying. she told me I would've been selfish to keep two children. So my count is 3. 3 children ive aborted because even though i use condoms and me and bf have sex maybe once a month if im lucky, god still wanted me to be pregnant. All i feel is guilt now, ill be good for a week until it happens, I think of sitting at the table and being told that and then everything starts again.

now all I can think about is hating my boyfriend. I love him to death. I really do,  but im not happy with my life as of current. Im not happy with what i do and who ive become. Im 23, i shouldn't be stuck being a house wife.I don't even know why I posted on here....Im a horrible person but im hopeing to find someone who is just on my level and mindframe. to tell me im not crazy, that it's ok, because right now I don't feel okay.