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Hi


Im 31 years old now but when i was 19 I fell prgnant to my then boyfriend of 6 months. He instantly didnt want me to keep the baby and as i was totally in love i agreed to a termination without giving it real thought.

When i was waiting for the hospital appointment i carried on as normal (i was young a stupid) going out nightclubbing and i had a miscarraige at about 3 months.
I was checked over by my doctor but a few weeks later i noticed milk leaking from my breasts. I left it for a while becasue i didnt know what was happening or who to talk to about it.

Ages later i did a pregnancy test and i was still pregnant. I was confused and spoke to my boyfriend who said that his feelings hadnt changed and he still didnt want a baby.

I got advice from the hospital and was told that i probably had a twin pregancy.

I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he just wanted everything to be over and go back to normal (in a way i did also) but i wanted time to think and talk about it but i couldnt.

My boyfriend wouldnt let me tell my family and my only friend that knew was heavily pregnant so i felt i couldnt talk to her.

I went through the termination when i was around 5 month pregnant.

it was the was horrible but afterwards i felt relief and wanted to get back to normal. Now and again i would think about it but mainly i would block it out.

A few years later i split with my boyfriend.

Now I am 31, engaged to be married we have discussed having a baby after the wedding but all i can think about is what happened in my past.

I feel so guilty that i made dicissions without really thinking about it and now I get flash backs and have nightmares about the misscarraige and the termination.

I dont know if what i did was the right decission, i feel so bad when i think about what i have done.

I cant talk about it to my fiance as i think he will think i am being stupid as it was so long ago and i dont want him to judge me.

I would like to move on and accept what i have done but i dont think i will ever get over it. I know i cant turn the clock back and i was so immature back then i dont think i could have coped with a baby but i just need to know what to do to move on with my future and try to lift the guilt feeling eventhough i know people will say i deserve to feel guilty for what ive done.

Any advice will be appreciated.

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In my life the only way I can get rid of guilt is Jesus. I became a Christian in 1983 and experience a freedom that I had never felt before. He still forgives my sins and I have and keep moving on with my life. If you get Charles Stanley on TV, he had a great sermon on guilt today. I know in my area he comes on twice on Sundays or you can go to his website and listen to it. He is the only person that I will listen to on TV.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Hope this helps. Guilt is like a cancer that will eat us up emotionally. Joshua

 

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I too had an abortion 5 years ago and i still feel the guilt. Its so hard to overcome and have people understand. Its a deep hidden secret that nobody knows except my then boyfriend who is now my husband . I completely understand what your going through. I feel like my trouble concieving now is punishment for my young past. geehh
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You lived and learned...just find the peace within yourself, and remind yourself that your past doesn't define you as the person that you are today; it's good to acknowledge guilt, more importantly, to allow yourself to grow stronger from what is still haunting you from your past--grow from it--don't be taken under by mistakes/regrets/being-young, etc. life is about living, and realizing that you'll mess up so much before you actually "get it right"....most important thing is that you always learn from your past as well as from mistakes/regrets (and learn from other peoples mistakes as well!!!) No offense to anyone's religion or god, but: feeling guilt free starts with YOU and how you manage to shape your own world on your own. Sitting and praying for something to "go away" may only make things worse, because you're still not actually allowing things to flow...we gain strength and build our own characters and souls based on how we choose to live with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Surround yourself by positive things, and especially positive people...human beings needs healthy support from one another, it's one of the most important things in life.. You are NOT THAT person in your past; You are who you choose to be today, and tomorrow. :)
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