Im 31 years old now but when i was 19 I fell prgnant to my then boyfriend of 6 months. He instantly didnt want me to keep the baby and as i was totally in love i agreed to a termination without giving it real thought.
When i was waiting for the hospital appointment i carried on as normal (i was young a stupid) going out nightclubbing and i had a miscarraige at about 3 months.
I was checked over by my doctor but a few weeks later i noticed milk leaking from my breasts. I left it for a while becasue i didnt know what was happening or who to talk to about it.
Ages later i did a pregnancy test and i was still pregnant. I was confused and spoke to my boyfriend who said that his feelings hadnt changed and he still didnt want a baby.
I got advice from the hospital and was told that i probably had a twin pregancy.
I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he just wanted everything to be over and go back to normal (in a way i did also) but i wanted time to think and talk about it but i couldnt.
My boyfriend wouldnt let me tell my family and my only friend that knew was heavily pregnant so i felt i couldnt talk to her.
I went through the termination when i was around 5 month pregnant.
it was the was horrible but afterwards i felt relief and wanted to get back to normal. Now and again i would think about it but mainly i would block it out.
A few years later i split with my boyfriend.
Now I am 31, engaged to be married we have discussed having a baby after the wedding but all i can think about is what happened in my past.
I feel so guilty that i made dicissions without really thinking about it and now I get flash backs and have nightmares about the misscarraige and the termination.
I dont know if what i did was the right decission, i feel so bad when i think about what i have done.
I cant talk about it to my fiance as i think he will think i am being stupid as it was so long ago and i dont want him to judge me.
I would like to move on and accept what i have done but i dont think i will ever get over it. I know i cant turn the clock back and i was so immature back then i dont think i could have coped with a baby but i just need to know what to do to move on with my future and try to lift the guilt feeling eventhough i know people will say i deserve to feel guilty for what ive done.
Any advice will be appreciated.
In my life the only way I can get rid of guilt is Jesus. I became a Christian in 1983 and experience a freedom that I had never felt before. He still forgives my sins and I have and keep moving on with my life. If you get Charles Stanley on TV, he had a great sermon on guilt today. I know in my area he comes on twice on Sundays or you can go to his website and listen to it. He is the only person that I will listen to on TV.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Hope this helps. Guilt is like a cancer that will eat us up emotionally. Joshua