I'm actually really glad I came across your post today. It's difficult to live in a world of hate, despire, and fear when your all about the total opposite, but that's still not a reason to hide behind your past ya know?
I understand that you've had a rough childhood emotionally and even physically, trust me I know all about that, but your past its what makes you the beautiful, bright young woman you are today, and don't you ever forget it.
Not all kids had the privlegde of recieving what they desire finacially as a child, but you did.
Not all kids even know who their parents are, but you do.
Not all kids grew up and had a choice of where to go to college or even to go to college, but you did.
And not all kids grew up a good person and chose the right choices, but you did.
So although your past is the cause of your pain emotionally, it doesn't have to be. You're the only person who can control what you want in life and how to get it...not your past. So stop blaming your past and instead EMBRACE it, because so many people are out there with half the stuff you already recieved, but yet they still don't hide behind their past(that is just AMAZING!)
The only way to feel better in this situation, in my opinion of course, is to 1. 'Let Go & Let God' & 2. Face your past(and no it will not be easy, but you can do it!). Your letting the wrong things control you and THAT'S why you keep getting hurt, you're letting the wrong things lead you and THAT'S why you are still heart-broken, but my dear, if you would only raise your head and transform your mind...you will become a beautiful person both inside and out and nobody would be able to tell you diferently, because you would already know.
Theres so many people going through so much pain, but you don't have to be one of them. Yes, we are going to go through obsticles. Yes, we are going to make the bad descions. Yes, it's gunna hurt...it's gunna hurt sooo bad, but does that mean we stop having faith and trying? NEVER! I don't believe in quitting the right thing, "I believe in hope"...live by these words everyday hun, it really, truly helps in life...
'Never give up because things are too hard, and never hide behind your past because that means you are just hiding behind yourself. Embrace every saddness and Face every obsticle...because I KNOW that you can do it.' ~F&A
Goodluck & Godbless<3
Hey Chanel,
I really can't add anything that Highly Favoured Love hasn't said- you got a diamond-class reply from her (each & everyone of her replies is diamond-class!). I just had to add a reply because I know how you feel! :o/
I too am an only-child & I really think there's something in it. So much so, I work as a research psychologist (and tutor) and my biggest study was on the differences in attachment between sibling attached & only-borns. I've gone so much in to it, it took over my life at one point. In a way, the study was worth it- it gained me a place at the British Psychological society conference & at a university conference- yet the reasons behind doing it are personally depressing!
My background is slightly different from yours: I lived with my mother & step-father, but we moved around a lot, so I had no stability. My s-dad was in & out of prison & my mother worked a lot, so I spent a lot of time, on my own in strange houses, changing schools, visiting prisons and bouncing around family members in the holidays. As an adult, I've found maintaining friendships & relationships very difficult. I also have difficulty settling in a home or job.
From my teens to my 30's, I went through a lot of negative changes; jobs, drug habits, drinking, bad relationships, etc. In hindsight, I can see where my behaviour was rooted- my childhood experiences had sparked off a lot of issues. More importantly, I believe those experiences were the cause of my mental health issues. I was such an insecure person & I attracted insecure situations, because they were what were 'comfortable'.
I had the same romantic notions you do- I believed that nearly every man I had a romantic connection with would be 'The One'. I genuinely believed I would get a Knight in shining armour to save me from my mental nightmare. I was- and still am to a degree- a very lonely person.
When I started studying a good few years ago, I got through my 1st year & thought "I should NEVER have chosen psychology!"- I really started analysing why I was the way I was & went through a long period of blaming my mother. My step-dad is dead now, so while I was angry at him too- it all went out towards my mother.
I think it's natural; blame is a natural feeling to have. I had spent years blaming myself for being 'mad' or 'weird' and when I started to believe that it was actually her fault- I erupted. After many years of the explosion of a simmering volcano- we didn't speak for many months.
In that time, changes happened; she became ill & I did a lot of self-reflection and I realised something.....
My experiences & background have given me something that I don't see in a lot of people: Independence & motivation. I am on the outer edges of my 30's now & I am a woman who is very strong, capable & not scared to take on challenges. I managed to break-free of my working class roots & gain a name for myself in the academic world. Plus I have done something that not many people can do- I have managed to raise a very well-behaved, educated, moral, caring & lovable young man- ALL on my own. I haven't had to rely on family members (although my son sees them often- I don't), friends or any man for what I have today. I got it all by myself & that makes me proud of who I am- DESPITE my experiences.
Embrace the fact that your experiences made you an independent person. You feel this need for love, because you feel as if it's something you've never had. Yet the Love-thing will happen once you're happy with who you already are. You are a motivated, bright, young woman- you've got opportunities in life that will one day bring you in to the path of the Love you desire so much. You've had some bad 'blueprints' for what love is about, so I think you might be searching for an 'Ideal', rather than a 'realistic' love.
As I said- I'm nearly an old woman and looking for an 'Ideal' love, rather than a 'realistic' love is STILL very much my problem- hence, why I'm still single! Lol. I could probably be termed as too independent (and sometimes, a little controlling!Personality downfalls of being an only-born & single parent! lol).
However- most days, I'm happy with my circumstances. I'm in good shape for my age- I got mistaken for 26 the other day, by not 1 but 2 people! Made my year. Lol. I like my space- I get scared and start avoiding people when I think they are getting to close or are too much in my life. The only person I like seeing every day is my child.
When I did have relationships, it was usually with men younger than me (no long-term & haven't had one for years) and I figured that this was part of my problem. It seems I am usually attracted to men who I know either won't stick around or are not in the 'relationship phase' of life.
Perhaps look at the guys you set out to attract or who you are attracted to. It could be that subconsiously- you are gravitating to what you know; instability.
With moving to America, you have the opportunity to meet new people & get involved with new social groups....and you do know that American guys just LOVE accents, right?
Enjoy being who you are & I have no doubt that the love you want so much will come along. I'm living by that & at least, most days- I enjoy who I am....(in fact, I have developed a list of 'goals' I want to achieve before finding Mr Right...but that's another post entirely!lol).
Good Luck & my best wishes. Us 'onlies' are unique in every way- remember that! ;o)
V
Hi Chanel ~ I hope this post finds you well.
Thank you for taking the time to post such a lovely reply- it was a really beautiful read after the few days I've had!
Yes- it certainly seems we've got a lot in common and it feels good to know I'm not alone (I wish I was alone, because then others wouldn't be going through what I am, but in a selfish way, I'm glad I'm not- if you know what I mean!).
I am so very, very sorry that you had to experience childhood sexual abuse and I highly commend you for being a strong, determined young lady and not letting those evil b*******s break you down. I didn't have to go through that, luckily; although, I was sexually assaulted at age 10 by my uncle's friend on a swimming trip. He was only a teenager- about 18 or 19 years old- and was goaded on by my uncle (who is now known to the police as a pervert). I didn't tell anyone until I was in my 30's, as I believed for a long time that it was my fault.
Unfortunately, I come from a family where sexual abuse was 'the norm'; my grandfather (who died when I was 4) was known as the local paedo & flasher. My mother, aunt & 4 uncles (that we know of) were his victims, in addition to a few of the neighbourhood children & a couple of my mum's cousins. In later years, one of my uncles & my mum opened-up about the abuse they went through & it was revealed that my grandmother was in on it too. She used to rent a room out in the family home to lodgers, who would pay my grandparents 'for' my mum & uncle G.
Then 20 years ago, a different uncle was accused of sexually abusing my cousin & late last year, I had to report yet another uncle for grooming teen girls. He'd been doing it for years, but always seem to 'disappear' for a few years after getting caught, before coming back to town. This time, he was caught by one of my aunt's (one that's married to yet another maternal uncle-my mum's family is HUGE- there's 9 of them) semi-clothed with her 13year old cousin, who has learning difficulties. Unbelievably, my aunt was going to let it go; ban him from the house & let him get away with it! I found out, so I reported him. We didn't have an address for him, but I managed to track him down through Facebook pics (of his new pad) & Google Earth, then report him. I also sent emails to everyone on his 'friends list' on FB, telling them of the 3 incidents that I knew about that he had got away with. When the Child Protection officer came out to speak to me; it occured that my uncle was already known to police as a "potential threat to pre-pubescent girls"!!! The absolutely terrifying aspect of all this is that he has 3 children- 2 of which are girls- and he is STILL allowed un-supervised contact with them, despite social services now being aware of his record.
Sexual abuse is such a tough legacy to carry. It affected my mother's life immensely; apart from my step-dad, she has always claimed to be very anti-men....and I suppose, it rubbed off on me a little. Actually, it rubbed off on me a lot. When my son was younger, I was very paranoid about who I let look after him & have been very vocal about sexual abuse/abusers. From as soon as he was old enough to understand, I've been talking to him regularly about 'being aware of nasty people' & 'speaking out'.
His cousin, however, doesn't have me as her mother & a few years ago, it emerged that she was being abused by her baby-sitter, who was the son of a close friend of her mothers. She was 7 when she eventually spoke out & not once had her mother talked to her about the 'nasty people'- not once!
Evil thrives on the silence & vulnerability of their victims. And while I haven't been a victim such as you have; I can certainly empathise with what you've had to go through. That kind of poison has been in my soil for a long time.
If you ever did want to study it as part of a psychology course- go for it. There is healing in learning & I must admit, it was when I started studying child abuse as part of the degree, that I felt able to speak about my experience.
Please tell me you'll stop thinking there's "something wrong with your psyche"- I don't mean to tell you off here, but if there's one thing I HAVE learned while studying & teaching psychology; NOBODY is the proverbial 'normal' and- as horrible as it is- there are A LOT of people that have suffered abuse. As much as 1 in 5 children in the UK are reported as being victims of sexual abuse- over 90% of those responsable don't get prosecuted. Around 2 in 5 children are victims of regular physical abuse. Stick that together and you don't have that many children left growing up without scars or baggage.
Thank you so much for your compliments- they came at a perfect time. I'm not going to hi-jack anymore of your post with my personal history, so I won't say too much- but sometimes, it's very hard to be your own shoulder. We all need someone- even if it's to vent or take away some of the pressure. I don't always like or want to be the strong, independent one. It helps that I know I'm capable of it- yet it hurts sometimes that I have no choice, but to be capable of it.
Anyway- again, thank you for your kind words & please keep in touch. I have no doubt that you are going to be happy one day & I'd like to read the post when you are ;o)
My love to you.
V
To whom it may concern,
b***h WHATCHU TALKIN BOUT?! n***a YOU AIN'T GOT sh*t TO CRY ABOUT. Also, eat a penis.
Yours truly,
f**k you.