Couldn't find what you looking for?

TRY OUR SEARCH!

LMy son was sodomisd (don't know spelling) (raped) at2 yrs. What are side affects? Physicaly? He has some. I think it has scared him for life. I've been every where. He has counseling once week.need more. Info?

Loading...

[Given that you've stated unequivocally that a crime has been committed, this is a contentious post for a 'casual' health site - we are experienced adults offering thoughts and advice - if you want a doctor, or therapist opinion, I'm afraid they went to school for years and rightly charge for their time and advice. We can only offer experience, but sometimes that experience can make a great deal of difference. If you choose to continue reading, be aware that ultimately, you may have a legal and moral obligation to continue with your therapist, counsellor, or whatever. I can only offer my perspective, and it may utterly contradict an official position that you have heard. That doesn't mean I'm right, or they're right, but you may as I say have a moral or legal obligation to go with their advice, and I have no desire to interfere with such advice, nor take any responsibility for such advice, beyond having a rational conversation between two rational adults. I hope that's enough disclaimer, because I also would hate to see your son have less than the life he can, if something I say can make a difference.]

OK, that is pretty tragic, that it happened, and I hope that you've dealt with the whole legal side (like getting whoever did it locked up for life, maybe).

Now let's focus on his well-being. The good news is, while you're breathing, there is no such thing as 'for life'. People have endured the most extraordinary events, and come out of it with a higher passion for life, for humanity, and kindness, than ever they had when they went in. Classic story: twin brothers (true story), born to a a serial criminal, all they knew was crime: one became an upright young man, model of society; the other a criminal; when asked why, they both said the same thing: 'with a father like that, what else could I be?'

You don't say how old he is now, but I assume we're talking maybe five, or six - not twenty five, twenty six. So basically, quick recap: here's the essential brain: up to age 7 approx, the brain is a sponge - whatever it perceives is foundation reality, like gravity; between approx 7 and puberty, the 'I' is developing, the brain is learning what 'I' can do in life; from puberty, the brain is evolving interpersonal, responsible, negotiated relationships: in short, it's an 'adult' mode, that will continue evolving until approx 25.

So, if your son is 7 or younger, he's aborbing whatever vibes you're giving, so if you're convinced he's scared (or scarred? did you mean fearful, or physically injured, as can happen with the similar experience with a female infant?) for life, then guess what, every day his brain is absorbing that he's scared or scarred for life; and I'm sure the therapist is unwittingly reinforcing that by recognising that there is an issue -or maybe they're a genius and not.

... which brings up a point, this is way too in-deep for a 'casual' website discussion, even by the standards of unwanted pregnancy etc.

Whence my initial warning. So, please, I hope you're taking this as a possible perspective, and not a contradiction of anything you may have heard. If you choose to use it to inform your thoughts and actions, then you do so at your own risk, though my opinion is offered of course in the hope that it may make a beneficial difference, if it is accurate.

Ok, onwards.

So basically, you're a TV radiating whatever is 'on' in your mind, as is anyone who comes into contact with them. This isn't bizarre, this is common sense: if you meet up with a friend, can you tell whether they're happy, sad, pre-occupied? Well, you're radiating, just as your friend is - body language, verbal language, call it what you will, so as long as you relate to your son as the victim of a tragedy - if you do - then you're going to imprint on him that lesson.

How can you possibly not see him that way? Is it a tragedy it happened? Of course. Is he a victim? He was. The question is, how long do you want him to remain one? Was Douglas Bader (I'm UK), who lost both his legs in a flying accident a victim of tragedy? In a sense, yes, but really, no and no: firstly because (unlike your son) he chose to show off and fly upside down against regulations invented for precisely that reason, to prevent accident; and no, because he was so bl**dy minded and passionate about flying that he would not rest, would not walk with a stick, would not accept disability payments, but fought - and failed - to be reinstated as a pilot, until with the onset of WWII, just prior, he was reinstated, flying better than his examiner, and went on to be not only a highly decorated fighter ace, but also a living example to disabled children.

Here's the most difficult thing for you to achieve: how to distinguish between suppressing awareness and 'putting on a brave face' and expressing a future that you believe in. Speaking of which, how's your counselling going? He isn't the adult that let her child be raped, in violation of every law of human decency - if you can read that with anger but without horror and violence, then congratulations - you're pretty sane. If you want to ram the computer screen down my neck, then here's a hint: it wasn't just your son that was attacked, and 'he' will never be well until 'you' are well.

By the time he's 20 (had you done nothing else, and had there been no therapy) he would have had to have been regressed under hypnosis to even begin to appreciate what happened to him - perhaps. There are no certainties. Can you offer him a home where you feel safe? Where you don't dwell on the past. Where you are focused entirely on your well being, and that of your son, as an expression of a joyful and fulfilled life?

I have watched and supported a mother fight for her child who is perhaps the most adorable young girl - now approaching young woman - in the world, and she (the child) has a medical condition that just won't quit. It baffles doctors, it is horrifying what they put her through but the doctors just don't know what they can possibly do, and on my third date with a woman who was to be my partner for the next seven years, I opened the door and a little bundle of joy (age 3) walked up and within three days I was daddy (I never asked for that position) but when I learned of the condition, I had a choice: I could walk, or I could stay.

I've spent my life baling out victims: why else would I spend time helping (as I hope) on a health site instead of a dating site?

Did I really want to go through that again, with this young girl and her mother? Well, I made a decision, and that was that I was never, ever going to relate to her issue as a tragedy, and was ever, only going to focus on how to enjoy the maximum pleasure, adventure, and fun, with a child that has warmed the heart of everyone that meets her, to the point that they refuse her medical attention because she's 'obviously' not ill. And she's six hours away from death, at any time. That's just part of her condition.

Can you do that? Can you set aside the tragedy, consciously and intentionally, and see only the joy, the pride, the wonder of a human being that is your son? Not as a martyr: I had to for you, darling, but as a true and deeply felt commitment that your well being, your joy in life was a legitimate and appropriate goal, and his well being and his joy in life was another legitimate goal, and nothing either past or future was going to get in the way of your seeing life as an opportunity, as a celebration of the magnificence of God, the universe, science, law, take your pick: the great white wizard, it just doesn't matter.

Want to give your son the greatest gift in life? Heal yourself. Live a life of joy, not irresponsibly, not ignoring the 'tragedy', but learning and growing and finding within yourself the spark, the divine spark, that is beyond and above any difficulty, and that the most courageous and outstanding figures in world history have instinctively reached towards in their time of need.

Here's a bizarre thought to close out: it really doesn't matter what you do. Read books, biographies, autobiographies: dwell in the extraordinary, and you will soon learn one thing, your son will be extraordinary because of who he is, not because of who you are or what you do.

Can you help, of course: but like the twins, would it help for you to be a perfect mom and see life joyfully while he is scared and scarred? He may hate you for that, or he may speak out at 40 (and he may do both) as he finally learns his life lesson and acknowledges that the one 'rock in my life has been my mom, always there, always smiling, no matter how deeply and sadly I felt the shock of my experience and its aftermath - thank you mom'.

Or would it help for you to be the tragic figure with the scared and scarred child, fighting because that's what tragic figures do, and so he hates you for that, and gets up at 40 when he's learned his life's lesson (and he may do both) and acknowledges that 'the most difficult and valuable lesson for me in life, was that despite seeing my mother's pain and anguish for all those years, that drove me to a career in psychiatry, that I finally appreciated that she was just expressing her love for me in the only way she knew how, and that was to feel for me, to be there for me, and while I couldn't appreciate it at the time, I can now, and I want to tell you, mom, that you don't have to struggle, any more: I love you, you did the absolutely best for me that any human being ever could, and I couldn't have been happier and prouder with any other mom. I love you. Thank you mom.'

Does it really matter then, what you do?

Yes and no: he can be a victim or a star in life, or a star then a victim, or both, or neither, and ultimately there is nothing you can do to either prevent or ensure that it happens, except this: whatever you radiate is going in: if you radiate guilt, hate, anger, poison, fear, resentment, upset, despair, or any negative emotion, it's going in.

So here's the bizarre thought: the greatest gift you can give yourself, and the greatest gift you can give him, is your personal journey from a life of pain, confusion, guilt, anger - whatever you're feeling - to a life of profound joy and appreciation that the universe is so extraordinary a place, that you can find your centre, your path, and your light, amidst the harshest and most painful experience you could ever have imagined.

... and there is a whole world out there, of which chances are you have only the slightest knowledge, waiting to support you, waiting to love you, waiting to appreciate you for what you've done for your son, and if you ever find your way to that place of light in your heart, you will know that there is nothing more precious than the gift your son gave to you, to reveal yourself in this way.

And if that makes no sense to you now, in many years to come, it may.

And here's a hint: speak to your son, not to his face as a child, but in a quiet moment, to his adult self, while you're alone, and contemplating. Ask him, as the adult son that he will surely become, how he would like to be treated now. Ask him, as the adult son, living his life to the full, how he can best be helped now. Ask him, as an adult son, whether his counselling is really helping. Ask him, as an adult son, if it is, what else you can do. And if it isn't, what else can you do.

You've been asking everyone except the two most important people in the whole world what do do, and over time, I hope you can come to trust their wisdom over and above all other saints, counsellors, academics, books, teachings and everything else, for there is no higher authority in your life, and that of your son, than the divine spark which is you, and which is your son.

I am not religious, my calling is both to science, and to metaphysics, but my experience far exceeds a clergyman's, in the nature of the soul: and didn't Christ say, ask and ye shall be given?

Here is the secret, the teaching that he was trying to offer: ask not OF OTHERS, but of yourself.

You have every answer that you will ever need, if you will only take a moment to centre youself, and ask. It may take practice, it may be fearful or unusual, but there is no higher authority than you on this entire planet, or off it, as to what is right for you: and right now, you share that right to speak with and for your son, while he is still a child.

But he will not always be a child, and you can ask yourself, or ask him, in that quiet moment, asking him as an adult -seeing him as an adult - visualising him as the most perfect, radiant, healthy, happy and vibrant young man, turn to him in your thoughts and dreams, and ask him, anything you might wish to ask - advice, healing, dare I say forgiveness - for the eternal has no blame, that is a human condition.

Think of it as 'your' opinion if you will, or think of it as talking to spirit - it does not matter one iota.

What matters is the wisdom you will find in your heart, and in you mind, if you will only trust yourself to look...

... and all of that, every word, from the first word in the post, is only a story, but if it speaks to you, let it do so: trust your heart, for you are divine and there is no greater source of joy in the world than your appreciation of who you are, and why. Work with your son in a clear and centred pursuit of joy in the future, rather than re-iterating, reinforcing and dwelling in a pain in the past.

An amputee has 'shadow' limbs, as Bader found out - killing pains despite the leg being 'gone' - don't live in the shadow pains of an incident that is long gone: live in responsible appropriate recognition of the past; let it inform you, do not let it define you.

Take care, the best of luck, and I hope it all works out, whatever that means, for you and him.
Reply

Loading...