Hi everyone,

I  just want to start by saying that I do not want anyone to pity me or anything I just want to tell my story and hear some opions and/or experiences.

So, I smoke weed everyday and I know I am terribly dependant on it, but it just makes everything better. I just need to escape because I can't handle anything anymore.I had a very rough childhood with both relatives and foster parents. I dealt with abuse both mentally and physically which caused long-term problems. I have slept horrible my whole life and I have an explosive temper, but can't handle people being upset with me. I relive the bad memories everyday. I tried to fix this with anti-depressants but they made me such a b***h. I slept all day, never ate or even acknowledged my boyfriend. He actually cried and pleaded with me for months until I tapered off them. I have been off Zoloft for almost two years now. I love being off it but now I think all the time.

So, now I smoke weed everyday and it relaxes me so much. I actually have nothing going on in life right now because I am waiting for a surgical procedure to fix my back. So, it kind of keeps me sane as I can't work and don't go out much. It makes me just sit back and relax and I can tell myself that life is on hold and it's okay. But, without I am like " TIME IS GOING SO FAST! I'M GETTING OLDER! I'M SUCH A LOSER." which dosen't feel nice. It also helps with a lot of the pain and soreness I am constantly dealing with. But, my boyfriend just dosen't get it. He grew up relatively wealthy with a big loving family and has no real problems other than a case of non-alcoholic liver disease. He gets mad because it wastes a bit of our money and it makes him feel sluggish all the time, which to me feels good because otherwise I'm pretty manic. He keeps freaking out at me and I don't know what to do. He knows how I am and all the stuff I dealt with and am now dealing with. I've even suggested me paying my for my own weed and him not doing it but he says if it's there he can't not do it.

I also want to say that breaking up isn't reallly an option we've been together for about seven years now and I've never met anyone who has generally the same ideals as me. I do really love him and I can't imagine life without him, but he dosen't get it. It's either this, another trial of anti-depressants, or to live with me being manic, anxcious, depressive, not able to sleep and not able to move because of my back.

To anyone who read all that, thank you so much and I encourage you to share any advisements you may have.