Body Matters: Why You Shouldn't Force Your Kid To Hug Grandma But Should Probably Wipe His Nose

If you're a parent, chances are that you've made some of these statements:

• "Go put on a cardigan; it's cold out!"
• "Smells like you need to take a bath today... remember to put your deodorant on after, OK?"
• "We're about to cross the road, hold my hand, please!"

You may even have told your child, at one point or another, to hug her preschool peer after a fight or to shake the new sport's coach's hand. You might have wiped a loudly protesting toddler's snotty nose, or brushed a crying elementary aged child's tangled hair. You may have done all of these things without for a moment considering whether they were the right thing to do. 

No more.

You know, the ones that tell you that ignoring your child's claim to their own body now prepares them for a lifetime of thinking that their bodies aren't really theirs, that it's normal for other people to exercise a degree of control over their bodies?

Just the other day, I stumbled on a little "infographic" on Facebook under the heading of "Stop Forced Affection". No "give grandma a kiss", no "sit on Santa's lap", no "give Uncle a hug", no "I'm going to tickle you", and no "blow a kiss then", the little graphic said. Only in this way, the author of the graphic holds, can you really teach your children that their bodies are their own, and that they choose what happens to them. 

The comments were almost more interesting than the graphic itself. "Oh for crying out loud," one parent replied.

"Stop with all the dang rules. I'm the parent. I'll assess the situation (and my kid!) on a case by case basis and make the call. Stop with all the rules about everything. Give us parents a little bit of credit!"

One thing's clear: this is a controversial topic. No matter where you stand on it, however, it's one worth considering in detail, rather than simply letting your own socialization carry you along tides you may not want to be dragged into.

What Messages Are You Sending Your Child About Bodily Autonomy?

Let's launch right into it: nine out of 10 victims of child sexual abuse know the people who victimize them. What messages are you sending your young child when you strongly verbally encourage them to engage in some form of physical contact with someone they don't want that physical contact with (right now), and maybe even with the very same people who are eager to turn your child's body into a crime scene? Are you essentially telling them that it doesn't matter what they do and don't want to do with their bodies, that what other people want to do with their bodies is much more important, thereby leaving them vulnerable to abuse?

READ Abuse and Neglect Warning Signs: Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect

Years down the line, will you have subconsciously trained your child to kiss that crush on a first date even though they don't want to — because the date asked for it, just like you asked your child to give grandma a peck on the cheek? Especially if you have a daughter, are you teaching her that her body belongs to other people?

Is continuing to tickle your child after they've said "no" traumatizing, or at least simply plain wrong?

They're interesting questions. The connection between hugging Auntie and being pressured into sex later on might not be immediately apparent, but we've got to admit it — it's there, alright. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I prefer to leave it up to my kids whether they choose physical contact with other people or not, and why I teach them to ask other people before they initiate any. Auntie's wish to get a kiss doesn't trump my kid's wish not to give one.

Your Child's Body, You, And Society

When Your Child's Wishes Aren't Convenient

When we respect our child's "stop" while we're rough-housing, we teach them that their words matter to us while also leading by example in terms of how to treat other people. We're showing our kids that with the exception of safety situations, we're not going to do things to their bodies that they don't want, nor make them do things with their bodies that they don't want to do.

What about them wanting to actively do things with their bodies, though?

A friend of mine recently told me that her sweet little toddler sometimes felt like hugging random strangers. In this case, what they want to do with their bodies also involves another person's body — and that person and their wishes are just as important as the child's.

My 10 year-old daughter has recently developed a love of pink hair and wants to dye it that color (something I let her do twice, with a temporary color that has since washed out), while also declaring half of her pre-existing wardrobe "yuck" and refusing to wear those clothes. In this case, letting her "do what she wants with her body" incurs cost, and thus involves not just her, but also me, since she's obviously not making her own living yet.

Bodily autonomy is, thus, more complex than it may seem at first sight — often involving not just the wishes of an individual child but also others around them. A balance must inevitably be found between a kid's desires to express themselves and the needs of the rest of us.

Bodily Autonomy Vs Safety

The "Crazy Russian Hacker", on his YouTube science experiments channel, always cheerfully announces in (intentionally?) broken English that "safety is number one priority". With my kids being a fan of the channel, that statement became somewhat of a running joke in our family. It also perfectly sums up why I firmly believe that some "gentle parents", in discussing their views on child bodily autonomy, go a step too far: I've certainly read parents argue that if a kid doesn't want to brush their long hair, that wish should be respected.

It might seem obvious that "safety is number one priority" means that we're not going to let our two year-old toddlers choose to not hold our hands on the street when we're not all that sure that they're not going to run in front of a car.

READ How And Why To Eliminate Yelling From Your Repertoire Of Parenting Tricks

Safety covers more than the kind of situation that could be lethal or cause serious injury, though. Perhaps my seven year-old doesn't quite realize it, but if I let him choose to wear the same dirty outfit for weeks, not take baths, and let his hair knot up something wicked, chances are that someone will call social services on us sooner or later, or at the very least render me a bad parent. Not so safe either, that, is it?

We don't raise children in a vacuum, but in a society with already established norms.

So while I'm willing to deviate from some of the already-established norms by making it clear that my kids have the right to say no to physical contact with people, I have never been willing to completely refrain from telling my kids what to do with their bodies, and suspect you're not, either. I strongly assume that, rather than messing them up for life, this gives kids a healthy respect for their own bodies: We believe those bodies are important, and they'll follow.