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Is Your Partner Gaslighting You?

by — Last updated: 2015-08-03 in Emotional & Stress Management

Table of Contents

Gaslighting is an emotional manipulation techniques many abusers successfully employ to make their victims believe they lack sound judgment. Could you spot gaslighting, and what can you do about it?

Seeks To Dismantle Your Trust In Yourself

As gaslighting is, essentially, a form of social conditioning in which the perpetrator manipulates you into distrusting yourself, your memories, and your sense of reality, gaslighters are on a constant mission to discredit you. Victims of gaslighting will all be on the receiving end of very similar statements. They include things like:

  • That didn't happen.
  • You are remembering that incorrectly.
  • Why are you so sensitive?
  • Are you sure about that?
  • Like you'd remember, with that memory of yours.
  • (Directed at others:) She's just being emotional again.
  • You're so emotional. 
 
Should you feel able to question the gaslighter's version of events, the catch phrases won't stop. They'll simply pull out some new, reactive ones: "Why do you have to bring this up again?", "Why are you so rude?", "I don't have time to deal with your emotions", "Why do you make everyone's life difficult?", and in my friend's case, "You're spreading your negative energy and ruining things for everyone else". 
 
Meanwhile, the gaslighter will likely portray themselves as the victim of your wrongdoings/emotional abuse/(imaginary) mental illness. The moment you stand up for yourself, your partner will be the wounded little animal who needs saving... from you.

Seeks To Isolate (Or Get Others In On The Act)

The more isolated you are, the more likely you are to start questioning yourself, your perception, and your sanity as a result of these statements. If you are able to receive feedback from others that what your partner claims didn't happen did happen, that your memory is fine, that you are not overly emotional or sensitive, and that you have sound judgment, gaslighting isn't going to have a great chance of working. So how do abusive partners get around that? By systematically isolating you from any support network you may otherwise have, or getting people around you to see the same "version" of you they want you to see. 
 
"If you'd just be more reasonable and listen to him, everything would be OK," my friend's adult son would tell her. "No, mom, you're just being emotional," her younger child would exclaim if she tried to discipline him. My friend's abusive partner had to include their children in his web of manipulation to be able to keep the act up. This started when they were young, and has severely colored the children's perception of their own mother.

If You Are Being Gaslighted...

  1. Make a mental note on every occasion where you recognize gaslighting and label the behavior.
  2. Trust yourself: you are not insane, what is happening to you is.
  3. Discuss what is happening with others. Seek therapy, reach out and build a support network.
  4. Recognize your right to have feelings.
  5. Get the hell out of that relationship.
Yes, some of these steps are much, much easier said than done, and if you are in an abusive relationship where gaslighting occurs, getting out may not be easy or even the safest option right now. The first step, however, is always freeing your mind and trusting yourself. Those manipulation techniques start losing their power real fast once you consciously recognize them, label them, and know they you are being manipulated.