@26yrs old I lost my husband of 8yrs we had 3 precious children together

I'm now 30yrs old with 12 yr old boy 10 yr old boy and 8 yr old girl... This is a complicated situation I had left this wonderful loyal father and husband a few weeks before he passed at 36 years of age.. I knew we were gonna be together for ever I only left to get him to quit drinking while I was at work and he was alone with very young children. He was heartbroken his whole world revolved around us and ours revolved around him. He is the only person in my life that was honest and real and the only person I see now that I could truly trust he never lied to me it was an excellent relationship I destroyed the best 8 yrs of my life and cheated our babies put of an amazing father ..something I never had was a daddy so for me my children having a father was my most treasured blessing. He was never ill or too tired from work to give them his love and attention. Laughter and love and happiness filled our home always.. I worked weekends 9an 10pm or so averaged aroung 32-36 hours in 2 days and too often I came home to a man passed out so asleep that I thru my keys at his stomach and said something I don't know what but he never moved from his position just passed out ...kids were asleep yes but beer cans everywhere this was not the same man I had all week too many influences of friends coming by.and he couldn't help it I see that now. But I left knowing I would be back we would grow old together raise our kids and have something special that most ppl never know... I didn't know what we had was so rare so pure precious and once in a lifetime kind of love for each other.. I was too young to see it but he was older and knew what he had knew it was more than he ever dreamt of having.. that being said I was awaken by a friend around 3am shaking me in my bed upset but saying it Chris its Chris a sat up and tried to get her to finish her news and the words he's dead came out as I glance at my beautiful daughter sleeping next to me I thought no nope I checked on my boys and kissed their cheeks waited on front step for my mother to get there so I could go fix him make it go away..when I arrived his mother come out the door and her pain shot thru me I hugged her and moved thru to lay next to him lying lifeless on the floor I snuggled to him and talked to him held him and said I'm sorry baby I'm here I'm sorry please lord this cannot happen. He is gone and I can't stand it I lost everyone of my friends my family seems to feel like why should u be sad you were already gone.. like he was nothing..and friends blamed me some said it but most didn't I just felt lost and ashamed and took the blame he was healthy he was so happy I broke his heart and he dealt with his pain of empty home with booze and pills. And altho his family and I still care for one another very much its memories and sadness I feel I bring when I come around them... My family showed no affection nor did they seem to mind except for my little nieces who loved him he was so fun.. my kids seem ok we tall about it at times and tell funny stories we remember..but I wasn't doing well but kept it hidden how I.hurt and after the first holiday season without him came and gone my mom grew very ill and my own family started blaming her illness on me it was then I knew how alone and sad I really was so I had some friends that would hang out with me cheer me up a little it was then that I sealed the deal I was introduced to iv meth and o have no clue what was possibly going thru my mind to have been so stupid but it was an instant fix for a month or two no one even knew I had became I junkie I thought I could do it all with meth coach ball homework supper work be at school events beauty pageants parade floats football cheerleading I was super mom til I noticed whoa I'm in a size 3 or 4 I'm not ever eating or sleeping and the precious mother I was turned into a mother of three with a serious problem and no one to tell.. but I tried I went to my mom said I have a problem I need rehab can u help me she laughed and got a lawyer immediately keep in mind the kids and I moved in with her for 3momths at this tome and I gave het $3000 cash plus bought all groceries and household items never took kids with me under influence after I seen my mind was going crazy... But trying to findhelp and face a lawyer was impossible with no one to tell me how or Care... Before I knew it my mother filed a police report saying I was cooking selling and using meth I was caught with nothing but charged with simple possession of meth due to where I was caught at now 3 1/2 Years later I've remained close and seem my kids often btw but I've came from rehab with nothing and now have good job nice home dependable car and found myself again.. the pain of my loss my Childrens loss and the guilt of his death and my loss of custody I take my blame paid my dues but still alone unless my children are here but mom being hospitalized monthly due to pancreatitis and liver issues I was initially blamed for ..I have begged for her to let the kids come home where a healthy person can give them a normal life they want to be with me as well my drug use lasted 4months other than that I've done everything so to the book and I'm dying inside knowing my children are laying in their beds ay night wishing their mom was there to read a story and sing our song we always did that... I have lawyer finally and hopefully my mother will stop using the kids against me cause she's mad I want them back.. help me cope my mother is on fentanyl dulatiedd morphine and her mind is not right I see it I been there but she has a husband she has a mother father brother in laws all there feeling sorry for her I'm not allowed to pull on her driveway as of last week I'm bout to break