i had my abortion last month and every since i wake up every night screaming and crying that someone my baby from me out the pushchair and i start to panic and then i wake up panicing. 4 years ago my brother died on a motor bike accident, 2 years on my mum had just recovered from it she turned to alcohole and my siblings were never around so i had to struggle with the business and looking after. i had been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he cheated on me with a girl that i knew and she had given him an std and he knew he had it and still had sex with me then i went and got checke all clear but later on that year just as we started to get back on our feet god knows why? i was having alot trouble with my ovaries and i got told i couldnt have kids because they had missed my iffection from when i got checked at the std clinic and from that day i never spoke to my boyfriend until the folowing year i saw him and slept with him and fell pregnant im 20 and he was the love of my life and just had a soft spot for him then the next day he told him that he had been seeing my best friend behind my back and that nothing could ever happen between us then a few weeks later my body felt different so i took a pregnant test because just out of curiousity and i was just under 2 months and i told him and he said he wants nothing to do with me  or that thing he got his mum invovled, shes had about 4 abortions and shes got 5 kids i dont know how she done it so many times. i told my mum she was only angry of who the father was she went to a psychic and they told that the next child was going to be just like my brother that died which made her want me to the have baby more but i couldnt i want my baby to have better than i had not like how i was brought without a dad and mother who was always working and never home. i feel lonely now like theres something missing, i find any reason to get out house whether its to the local pub or a friends house anywhere where i can drink i keep being late for work and cant look at my friends new kids or my nephew because hes 6 months and i feel like theres this shaodw of regret following me everywhere im scared to sleep with anyone now i dont know what to do with my self i dont want to go couselling everyones telling me i have a problem but i know that i dont im just healing different but how can i heal i feel like somethings been stolen from me like i didnt even give parenting a chance i just chickened out and gave it away i gave up my baby and now all i want to do is hold her and kiss her i wouldnt know whether it was a boy or girl but i keep dreaming about this little girl constantly and when im at work i look at the kids and i look to see if i can see her but i cant and i never will be able to. i feel like im really loosing myself, my family and everything. i just keep thinking what if thats the only time i could have ever had child and now i will never know. my ex stood outside the clinic because he thought i wasnt going to go with my best friend and his mother like an army or bullies or something he then keeps texting me all these horrible messages like your a murder and look what you've done you've messed up the chance of us ever being together i just ignore and play it cool but it still hurts and i will never let him see upset he really isntn usually this nasty with word just actions i jsut cant get over what ive done and how much it hurts all i want is my baby back will i ever stop searching? i feel down all the time. i hate being alone in the flat i try to take my mind of it but nothing works i feel so depressed i drink myself to sleep because im not sleeping anymore but that just makes the dreams so much worse. i dont know how to live anymore i falling apart bit by bit i dont want to feel this way anmore