I have a friend, not a best friend (tho she considers me hers) who i have known for the past 5 years. Our girls went to school together and after a few times of dropping her daughter off at home, we sort of became pals.
She has had a rough time of it. Her finances are poor and she lives on what ever she gets from SSI and is given a small allotment of food stamps from DSS. Her son is 22 years old, does not have a job but has fathered a child who is now 4. The baby lives with the mother but has a 3 day a week visitation with the dad. He sleeps all the while the little one is there and my friend takes complete control, including paying his child support out of the little bit of money she does get. She also has a 20 year old daughter that doesn't do a thing for her mom and complains when asked to please run her up to the store. My friend has no car and i take her shopping or i take her dog to the vet when needed. She likes to drink and can down a 30 pack with no problem.
Heres the prob. She calls me at least 5 times a day, with the first call coming in at 8 in the morning. She whines and complains about her kids all the time. She asks my opinion but does something else. I feel sorry for her as she has no one else. She has no male friend and when she is drunk she talks about sex to me. I don't know what to say to her and i try to pass it off by saying "we're gonna have to find you a man"
Lately i have not answered the phone as i see its her on the caller ID and i feel really bad for doing that. She just needs to talk to someone i know, but there are times when i am really busy. I tell her "i'll call you back in a bit" and she says "o ok" sort of sad like.
Within an hour my phone is ringing again, and it's her.
I just hate ignoring her and i know that i am hurting her feelings, but there are times when i am so busy i just don't have the time to "yak" with her. It's always the same ol thing, her kids, her lack of money, her roof falling off, her aches and pains, and on and on.
If i get something new i hate to tell her. I pulled up to her house one day for a trip to the store with my new jeep, she looked sad and asked what i had done with my other truck. I told her i gave it to my daughter. She just sort of sighed and looked out of the window.
My mother in law has recently passed and i gave her a bunch of stuff from my in laws apertment, she was happy i thought of her and thanks me all the time. Sheesh, enough already.
What do you say to someone who just won't take your advice but constantly asks for it?
She has had a rough time of it. Her finances are poor and she lives on what ever she gets from SSI and is given a small allotment of food stamps from DSS. Her son is 22 years old, does not have a job but has fathered a child who is now 4. The baby lives with the mother but has a 3 day a week visitation with the dad. He sleeps all the while the little one is there and my friend takes complete control, including paying his child support out of the little bit of money she does get. She also has a 20 year old daughter that doesn't do a thing for her mom and complains when asked to please run her up to the store. My friend has no car and i take her shopping or i take her dog to the vet when needed. She likes to drink and can down a 30 pack with no problem.
Heres the prob. She calls me at least 5 times a day, with the first call coming in at 8 in the morning. She whines and complains about her kids all the time. She asks my opinion but does something else. I feel sorry for her as she has no one else. She has no male friend and when she is drunk she talks about sex to me. I don't know what to say to her and i try to pass it off by saying "we're gonna have to find you a man"
Lately i have not answered the phone as i see its her on the caller ID and i feel really bad for doing that. She just needs to talk to someone i know, but there are times when i am really busy. I tell her "i'll call you back in a bit" and she says "o ok" sort of sad like.
Within an hour my phone is ringing again, and it's her.
I just hate ignoring her and i know that i am hurting her feelings, but there are times when i am so busy i just don't have the time to "yak" with her. It's always the same ol thing, her kids, her lack of money, her roof falling off, her aches and pains, and on and on.
If i get something new i hate to tell her. I pulled up to her house one day for a trip to the store with my new jeep, she looked sad and asked what i had done with my other truck. I told her i gave it to my daughter. She just sort of sighed and looked out of the window.
My mother in law has recently passed and i gave her a bunch of stuff from my in laws apertment, she was happy i thought of her and thanks me all the time. Sheesh, enough already.
What do you say to someone who just won't take your advice but constantly asks for it?
I read about this type of problem. Apparently it is called feigned helplessness and all you're doing by pitying her and talking to her about her problems is feeding that. It's a subset of a greater, better-known problem called PASSIVE AGGRESSION. Unfortunately, you may feel terrible, but she's going to drive you nuts and suck your emotional reserves dry. She's not truly intrested in your advice, she doesn't follow it anyway, and all she feeds on is pity and attention. I'm sorry that she's making it so hard for you but you're right not to take her calls all the time! I mean what's the point in talking to someone who doesn't listen to you anyway?
I wish I had better advice than just putting distance between you and her, but that's what you have to do, I think. What do you think?
I wish I had better advice than just putting distance between you and her, but that's what you have to do, I think. What do you think?
I believe the poster above is correct in saying she has a condition known as feigned helplessness. It's a form of depression where the person doesn't want to fix themselves or their lives even though they complain a lot, usually due to the fact that their depression is so deep and/or they're seeking attention/sympathy.
I suggest you be up front with her. Tell her that you keep giving her advice, but she doesn't take any of it. Tell her that you can't keep giving her advice all the time--she's taking up your time and emotional resources, and if she won't take your advice or do something to fix her life, there's nothing you can do. You have to let her know that she needs to either snap out of it or you have to keep your distance. (I'd put it nicer than that, however.)
I suggest you be up front with her. Tell her that you keep giving her advice, but she doesn't take any of it. Tell her that you can't keep giving her advice all the time--she's taking up your time and emotional resources, and if she won't take your advice or do something to fix her life, there's nothing you can do. You have to let her know that she needs to either snap out of it or you have to keep your distance. (I'd put it nicer than that, however.)