bruising, is it the same as self injury?

I was where you are about a year ago now! Totally lost and hurt and hopeless. Completely afraid and alone. Didn't trust a soul! Hated everything about me, blamed everything that ever happened on me. Didn't understand anything. Kept everything in! About a year ago I just wanted everything to end, because I couldn't take the hurt anymore and everything was just too overwhelming. Then I found this site and just spilled the beans secretly hoping for someone to reach out and help, just like you! And just like you, bambi27/Dawn and I starting talking. And because of her I am where I am today! Took me over a year, and I still struggle from time to time, but its a lot better. And it will get a lot better for you too! I know you feel like it won't get better, that nothing will ever change, I thought that too, I didn't see how anything could ever get better, just ask Dawn lol Its hard to see and imagine things when your stuck and hurt, but I promise you it can and it will!

I totally know how you feel! My dad lets me know all the time that I was never wanted, that he never wanted me. And it kills me and it will always hurt!! He was never really there for me ever. Both my parents have hurt me a lot with things they say and do. And there would be "good" times at times, times where he would be close, and then he would push me away and hurt me again. It was all the time non stop. I was totally confused! Because of that I didn't trust anyone! I still struggle with trusting people, I don't want to get too close for fear of getting hurt or people leaving me. Its really hard!! I don't feel loved by them, I don't feel wanted. I use to blame myself all the time, thinking what is so wrong with me for them not to want me or like me or love me. I always questioned what I did wrong, or what I could do differently to make them want me. But through talking with Dawn, I know its not me, its them. And I just have to learn how to be happy with myself and love myself. And I know now that its about my parents, and between my parents, and their struggles and I was just suffering because or their issues. Its still hard sometimes. But its the same for you! And eventually with time you will realize that! And hopefully through talking it will help you to understand a lot, because I never got it until Dawn pointed it all out to me.

I come home everyday and am alone! And be careful!  Going to parties isn't always the best thing to do. And it can really hurt you and make things worse. Watch who your with! I did some pretty stupid stuff and I regret it like no tomorrow! I know you might think its better then being alone but its not! Those people don't care about you! And you can't escape what your feeling, it will always be there until you confront it and talk it out and deal with it. I cut for awhile, and its only been a few weeks since I haven't cut. But don't take things out on you! Its not your fault and you don't deserve it! You don't deserve to hurt, you don't deserve whats happened to you! I know what its like to feel "numb" and things will only begin to feel real once you start talking about it. And its incredibly hard to talk about things, especially when feelings start to rise that haven't been there for awhile, but try not to take it out on you or run away.

You have every right to feel how you feel! And your situation sucks! And I'm sorry you have to go through it, but your not alone anymore, and you don't have to be! And its not stupid at all!!

And Dawn makes a pretty awesome Talk Back Diary!! lmao I like to call her my Diary Dawn lol

So, your going to be okay! And your going to get through this little by little! We care and we aren't going to go anywhere! :-D

You can also read my post if you'd like...

https://www.steadyhealth.com/Do_parent_s_really_love_their_children_the_same__Because_I_don_t_feel_like_they_do__t232838.html

Our situations are a bit different, but the feelings are all the same!

So hugs to you too!! You do matter, people do care, their just caught up in their own mess they can't see it, but soon they will. Never give up!! Were always here when you need us!

So just start out, Dear Diary Dawn...

AWWWH Claire that means SO much to me honey! I listened and YOU did the work! I can't believe it's been a year! WOW! 

I can't do this anymore, I don't know what to do anymore.

1st of all I am SO glad to hear from you, I have been VERY worried! 2nd What's happening honey?

I just don't like my life. I really really dont

With school ending here soon, how is it going to be through the summer? Is your mom allowing you to go back home for a bit? That might be an idea to bring up - like "Instead of me just sitting here all summer, what about me going home for a few weeks?" Something like that!

I'm not sure. I'm going to talk to my friends maybe today and ask what their doing and stuff and if I visit if I could stay with them. And I hope my mom says I can. It will be easier for her anyway if I'm gone so I don't see why she would really care. I hate it here

I think this would be AWESOME for you! And IF your mom says "no" I want you to bring out the big guns - as in just letting it ALL out on her! So there is NO MORE secrets or internal sadness, you get it ALL off your chest! And let it travel with you! Also - this is what I hope will come out of it - IF you are allowed to stay with an old friend! I want you to be on your BEST behavior while you are there! And be open with your friend of what life is like for you, and I hope that your friend is close to her mom and dad, and they start talking about letting you stay there! As this has happened a couple of times with my eldest sons friends! We let them stay here - for as long as they wanted - and then FINALLY the parents smartened up! 

My one friend is going on vacation with her family for about a week or two but she's not really sure when yet but she thinks I would be allowed to stay over before they go. And then maybe I could stay at my other friends house when they go away. Their going to ask their moms first if its ok and then I will tell my mom.

Fingers crossed! Just show your mom that you are "mature" enough for this, like don't freak out etc. present it as a positive thing - for her to spend time with her boyfriend etc. And that you wont be alone - all the positive things! It's called a bit of reverse psychology! 

My one friends mom said I could stay with them for like two weeks but my other friend still isn't sure yet. Well I probably can we just don't know for how long yet. So at least I can visit with them for a little bit. I just have to wait to ask my mom because shes not home yet. So next week I can go back home. :-D

Hey I have a random question for you lol But is your picture from the book Ghostgirl? And if so did you read them and are they any good? lol I just saw a thing for it and it looked kind of cool, so just wondering.

And I'm glad you can go visit with your friends! :)

Awesome! I will keep my fingers crossed for you! And IF and I'm underlying IF she doesn't talk to me, and I might be able to help you out - either writing to her, or writing a letter for you to give her! Remember to be upbeat, and show this as a positive upbeat thing, and show her just how much happier you will be! Fingers crossed honey!

Yeah it is lol I really like it but I only read the first one but I want to read the other ones but I thought it was good.

So my mom said I could go visit my friends but she doesn't think I should be gone for as long as I want to be. She doesn't think its right for their parents to look after me for that long and I even told her how they said I could. So shes not really sure yet and said she will think about it. So like I can go but I'm just not really sure for how long. I hope I can be with them all summer. I hate it here and I hate the people here.

Lets focus on this for now OK? YIPEE YIPEE YIPEE!!! LOL Let's do the happy hamster dance everyone!!!! LOL this is GOOD news - and by the way (as a mother) she is putting her feelings on to your friends mom! She WILL miss you - and feels bad that this is happening, BUT also knows this will make you happy! So lets give her some credit for this OK? YAY!!!!! It's my birthday today so this is a GREAT birthday wish coming true!