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hey. i had my baby girl about 2 1/2 months ago, and i am suffering from ppd. on top of that anxiety and manic depression. i have talked to my doc about this and i am on meds. but what i wanted to talk about here is that i feel like a bad mom. i sometimes dont feel like i love my baby. i feel like my baby is a burden. i sometimes love her to death. sometimes i think highly on adopting her out. im home alone all day with her and get up during the night with her, and her daddy is always at work. i feel overwhelmed. i was singing to her "you are my sunshine" and when i got to the "you never know dear how much i love you" i got this horrible feeling in my stomach and heart.. like i dont love her. and i feel horrible cause she looks at me with such love in her eyes... it breaks my heart to see that she has no clue what im thinking or what im feeling. i think horrible things. =[ i dont know if my thoughts are real. i dunno whats real. sometimes i just realize i have a baby! and get all worked up. i feel like i was to young. and still am. i cant give her enough attention... she sits around all day. every so often ill hold her... when i feel like i love her. but i prop her bottle and taking care of her is like a chore rather then me being a mom. like im babysitting her. wondering when will her parents come get her! im a horrible mom!!!!! im about to start crying. i feel so bad!! id like to know im not alone.

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You have recognized that you suffer from ppd and that is a good thing. What your going thru is not your fault at all and you must figure out what you want to do. It would not be a bad idea to maybe get the little one in a day care setting or maybe your mom or your partners mom can chip in. Having someone take care of your little girl a few times a week will give you some "me" time. This time is precious to a new mommy and all the free time you had before she came is no longer so available to you. I know you love her and you are just over whelmed that you don't know where to place all of your feelings.
I got a bad case of ppd after my 3rd child. I thought i was either going to do something to her or myself. She would cry and cry and i just couldn't figure out what her problem was. I would lock myself in the bathroom and just listen to her howel. I talked to my doctor and he gave me medication that i took for a short time.
I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to all of my kids, your baby really is your sunshine, your just a little taken back right now.
You need a little break and you shoud try to get a parent or a close family member to take over for you for a few hours a few times a week. You will be surprised that just a walk or a bike ride, window shopping or sitting at a coffee shop for just an hour or so will make a world of difference. Pop in the car and take a ride to the beach and just hang out in the sun for a while. You will soon feel that you have to go home as you are missing your baby.
There are also many support groups as there are many new mothers who feel just like you. Get some information from your doctor or go on line and look it up. Maybe you can attend some meetings and just talk to these moms, you will be surprised at the similarities that you'll share with them. There is also "mommy and me" groups. Its the obvious of course, you can take your baby with you and there are excercises and cuddle time and they show you how to relax when you and baby are together.
I know you don't mean it, but please don't ignore your baby, she needs this time to bond with you and to feel close with you. Think about how excited you were when you found out that she was on the way. The preperation, the baby showers and the sheer excitement of waiting for your due date, the sono grams and the hysterical happiness that you felt when you felt her kick you for the first time. Then she came and the second that doctor laid that precious sweet heart in your arms, your heart had to have melted. Whether you knew it or not, this little one had you wrapped aroung her little finger from day one.
Don't be afraid to ask for a little help, convey your feelings to her daddy, maybe he can help a little. New baby's bring long sleepless nights which makes for a cranky mommy the next day, it's natural. Sleep when she sleeps, soak in the tub while she sleeps, read a book or just sit there and watch tv. House work can wait, so what it's not going anyway. I never though i would ever sleep again and i had to squeeze in a few zzzz's when ever the baby would let me. This is all normal and i think these little ones set out to kick our asses, and they do, for sure. But they are beautiful and she loves you so much and she needs her mommy.
I am at the end of this computer if you want to talk, don't feel like your alone, we are all very helpful around here.
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Dear Kristirae: I want you to answer honestly to yourself this question - Have you thought about hurting her OR yourself OR both of you?

IF the answer is yes to either you NEED to get help right away. I have attached a link for you to take a look at regarding Postpartum Psychosis! I am VERY concerned that you might have this. What you are going through honey, does not feel normal to you, but 1 in 8 women have Post Partum Depression, it's not like the Baby Blues that usually last till your hormones have subsided. But PPD can last upto 6 months, but then there's the worst PPP!!! So I need you to take a look at all these indicators and then decide.

In our present day world, EVERYTHING has to be perfect. You see these women with their chubby angels intow, with their top of the lines clothes and strollers and looking all together. You see images of the perfect family, everyone working 21/2 cars, 2 storeys, 2 dogs etc. And then there's yourself who feels lower than a snakes belly and couldn't pretend that she has this life if her own life depended on it. You also have to know that "INSTANT LOVE" does not always happen. I know with my 1st it took me till I started feeling better that I had the time to concentrate on him and realize that I LOVED him. My second it was instant! Also if you feel left alone and unsupported by your husband that just compounds the situation. One of my biggest fights with my husband is when I was home with my baby alone for days on end, no GROWN UP conversations. And one day I said to him "At least you get a break!!!!!!!!!!" He FLIPPED because he thought him working was in no way a break! He didn't understand that even though he was working, he also was TALKING to grown ups, having laughs, telling jokes, FRESH AIR!!! That was a BAD fight! And my friend who has a 10 month old finally realizes what I've always told her. The good thing for her is that she belongs to a mom's and tots group.

I want you to know something else, EVERY Parent - MOTHERS especially - can remember the moment where they almost crossed that invisible line. We all remember what lead to it - LACK OF SLEEP!! And IF they are hoest they will tell you the exact moment - IF NOT the date!! It's just everyone pretends to have it together. So DO NOT feel bad about something you have NO control over honey!!!

IF you were really sick - as in having the flu and couldn't take care of her, you would just realize that you ARE sick and can't take her right now! Well this is your flu!!!! So you need some help with getting better right? So go back to your doctor and TALK to him/her and ASK for help. You can even join groups for moms whom are struggling. IF you and your husband can afford daycare once a week then DO IT! You need to get out and regroup! Get together with your friends and have grownup conversations. We ALL know how it is when you have a baby. All of a sudden NO ONE asks you how you're doing it's ALL BABY BABY BABY! And when you aren't feeling well all that talk takes it's toll on you! WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! o.O ;-) >:( XD XD !

You are not alone hun, and you need some help OK? Please keep the lines open and if you ever need to talk I'm on here - most of the time. Because when they grow up (17 and 14) they aren't anywhere to be seen, so I need to solve other peoples problems!!! LOL! BIG HUGS to you and your little angel and you WILL get better honey I promise!!!
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forgot the link:

http://www.medicinenet.com/postpartum_depression/article.htm
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first off, your not alone with the ppd. i agree with the posts above. get out for alil while have someone watch your baby girl . after you seek help for this , and you still feel the same way or even worse then letting someone adopt your baby maybe the answer. theres couples who cant have kids. good luck
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