A year ago, I had an abortion on March 5th at 21 years old. I don't feel like the same person anymore. It came as a surprise to me and my boyfriend at the time and I wanted nothing more than to keep my baby. When I finally admitted it to him he had the audacity to say that I was trying to "trap" him all long... I was incredibly hurt but he eventually apologized but that was one thing among many that I attribute to the downfall of our relationship since. He had accepted my decision since he felt like there was no other choice for him but made life difficult for me in the process. We lived together so I'd find every excuse to stay out of the house and away from him because he made me feel like sh*t. I don't believe there was a day that I wouldn't cry over the situation since I wanted nothing more than for him to support me, truly, however I knew it was becoming less and less of a possibility. He even went so far as to tell me that by making this decision I was ensuring that his side of the family wouldn't meet our child for years because he didn't want to tell them until he was ready. That broke my heart even more. I was also shocked at his insistence of me getting an abortion as he is a practicing Catholic and his family, especially mother, are strict Catholics. Finally, I was comfortable with my decision and realized that if he chooses to be their or not, I would be there for our child, so I told my parents. They immediately freaked out and my dad flew out to me the next morning since I was away at college. They had their minds made up about what my next move was going to be since this wasn't in their "plan" for me and so forth. 2 days after my call to them I was forced to get the abortion. It was the worst day of my life. I just knew that my baby and God would never forgive me for not having a spine enough to stand up for what I wanted and what was best for my child. I felt like such a coward and still believe that I was. I don't understand how I could have let everyone else make the decisions that I should have been making the whole time. I just regret it so much. I try to tell myself that God had a plan and this a part of it but I just don't believe that God would have given me this much pain and anguish to cope with. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself or my parents and my ex. To make matters worse, my dad acted like he was a victim and had gone through a lot for a few months after the abortion. I was in shock at him acting like he had the worst part of it all. Hardly any one of them have asked me how I'm doing save that I tell them I had a nightmare or something. After the abortion, my ex and I would fight a lot and I'd cry a lot. He tried to make me feel better but I don't think there was any hope. Finally when he had to move away for graduate school, we broke up because he didn't think distance would be best thing for him or us. We still talk and care for each other but in my heart, I don't think I can forgive him for making me feel the way I did all those months ago. I want him to be the one I have a child with but I don't think it's in the cards for us. Since the procedure, the idea of being with another man is more than daunting. I feel as though I don't want to have sex again until I'm married but even worse, I don't know if I want to get married at all. I just feel like everyone that matters has let me down, but I've let myself and my baby down more than anything. What can I do? Time is going by and I hardly feel better. I put up a good front. I don't want to pretend anymore. Can I ever forgive anyone involved? Do my baby and God understand?