To start off I would like to say that I have always had issues with depression. I realize that life is not easy on anyone but growing up in the situations I was in, it was especially hard and took its toll. Thus, my three sisters and I, particularly the youngest only a year and 12 days younger than I, have an amazingly strong bond. I am due to have my baby boy Dec 17th, 5 days from today. My younger sister Laura died in a tragic car accident in September. Her and I were like twins and grew up spending every moment together. Before that I was so glad to be pregnant, daydreaming about what motherhood would be like, counting kicks and trying but rarely succeeding in listening to babys heartbeat with some device made for that. My world has been completely shaken to the ground. Laura is all I can seem to think about anymore. She was so excited for me, so excited to be an aunt and to meet this baby boy she even sent me my first mothers day card after hearing I was pregnant. She has always been my soulmate and I feel estranged without her, like Im missing the essence of myself. I still look forward to my babys arrival with great anticipation but feel so blue at the same time. Although there would never be a right time for this sort of thing to happen, this just seems to be the worst timing I can imagine. She'll never get to meet my baby and he'll never know his special loving, beautiful aunt Laura... I know having a baby will brighten the lives of me and everyone else whose grieving for this loss. Was wondering if anyone has experienced something remotely like my situation and how they made it through. It's hard to talk about it to anyone because I always break down before I can finish what Im trying to say.
Thanks.
Greiving mommy to be
Thanks.
Greiving mommy to be
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Hi! I am so sorry for your loss! I think the way you are going to handle this all goes to what you believe. I am not a religious person - but I would say I am spiritual. I truly believe that things happen as part of a bigger plan. I believe that your sister is still watching over you, and will be there in spirit for you son forever! Think about her - knowing your current situation what would SHE have wanted? Would she want you to be feeling the way you are - mourning her loss? OR, would she want you to be celebrating her life AND the arrival of your son? Live every day to make your sister proud of you - when you wake up each morning thing 'what would Laura want me to do today', then do it. I obviously didn't know her, but I am pretty confident that she would not want you to be in your current mental state.
I think that is one of the best way you can honor her memory - life every day for her! Ellie - I wish you best of luck...for you and your little boy! Try to work through this, but if you can't you owe it to yourself, your sister and your son to seek professional help. The last thing you want is for this to have any negative effects on his life. Good luck to you...update up please!
I think that is one of the best way you can honor her memory - life every day for her! Ellie - I wish you best of luck...for you and your little boy! Try to work through this, but if you can't you owe it to yourself, your sister and your son to seek professional help. The last thing you want is for this to have any negative effects on his life. Good luck to you...update up please!
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Hello dear Taz,
That was probably the best consolation I have received yet. Perhaps that is because you are a stranger, yet you still offer such great advice and sympathies I know are true. I've been a real mess today, partly due to the fact that Im being induced tomorrow and this being my first child am what you could call scared sh*tless. And also because in different circumstances Laura would be right by my side now, sharing emotions, and cheering me on. There was a meteor shower tonight, I was so excited to see because it's named the Gemini meteor shower and Laura was a Gemini to a T. We were born the same month but I am a Taurus while she's a Gemini. But of course a storm system had to move in and black out any stars that were falling. I know she wouldn't want me to be greiving over the loss of her, but I know if the positions were switched she would be as big a mess as I am. I really hope I can deal with these feelings in a manner that won't affect my parenting. I have such a love for this child inside me already and I get the feeling that he is the only thing that can make me feel better. I hope its not wrong to feel that way, am I putting too much pressure on him already?? I know that my baby, Jude, is going to have my heart straight off the bat, that my world will revolve around him. I want so badly to make Laura proud of me... she always wanted to see me succeed and I want to live up to that. But motivation has been a real b***h lately. My baby doc tried me on a couple different antidepressents but they make me feel horrible. Too many side effects I could only take them one time. I felt better not taking them. Im not sure numbness is what I want to feel right now anyway. When this first happened, I was in such a terrible state and didn't think it could ever get any better, but like they told me it gets a little better with time. If I hadn't greived so much in the beginning, Im pretty sure it would happen eventually, and theres no way I could take care of another when I was like that. Greiving hurts so bad, but it is also productive. I just want to hold her again, hear her laughter, kiss her forehead.. I want her to kiss Judes forehead. No one ever thinks these things will happen to them, I know I didn't, and it makes it hard for people to understand. I gave up talking about it with the father because he just doesn't know how it feels, doesn't know the right thing to say to make me feel better(which there really is nothing anyone could say to make it alright again), and it makes him uncomfortable. but I like you also believe in bigger plans and don't see any of this as mere coincidence, what with being pregnant and all. I've lost a life, but I've made a life.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Ellen
That was probably the best consolation I have received yet. Perhaps that is because you are a stranger, yet you still offer such great advice and sympathies I know are true. I've been a real mess today, partly due to the fact that Im being induced tomorrow and this being my first child am what you could call scared sh*tless. And also because in different circumstances Laura would be right by my side now, sharing emotions, and cheering me on. There was a meteor shower tonight, I was so excited to see because it's named the Gemini meteor shower and Laura was a Gemini to a T. We were born the same month but I am a Taurus while she's a Gemini. But of course a storm system had to move in and black out any stars that were falling. I know she wouldn't want me to be greiving over the loss of her, but I know if the positions were switched she would be as big a mess as I am. I really hope I can deal with these feelings in a manner that won't affect my parenting. I have such a love for this child inside me already and I get the feeling that he is the only thing that can make me feel better. I hope its not wrong to feel that way, am I putting too much pressure on him already?? I know that my baby, Jude, is going to have my heart straight off the bat, that my world will revolve around him. I want so badly to make Laura proud of me... she always wanted to see me succeed and I want to live up to that. But motivation has been a real b***h lately. My baby doc tried me on a couple different antidepressents but they make me feel horrible. Too many side effects I could only take them one time. I felt better not taking them. Im not sure numbness is what I want to feel right now anyway. When this first happened, I was in such a terrible state and didn't think it could ever get any better, but like they told me it gets a little better with time. If I hadn't greived so much in the beginning, Im pretty sure it would happen eventually, and theres no way I could take care of another when I was like that. Greiving hurts so bad, but it is also productive. I just want to hold her again, hear her laughter, kiss her forehead.. I want her to kiss Judes forehead. No one ever thinks these things will happen to them, I know I didn't, and it makes it hard for people to understand. I gave up talking about it with the father because he just doesn't know how it feels, doesn't know the right thing to say to make me feel better(which there really is nothing anyone could say to make it alright again), and it makes him uncomfortable. but I like you also believe in bigger plans and don't see any of this as mere coincidence, what with being pregnant and all. I've lost a life, but I've made a life.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Ellen
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